Thursday, October 2, 2008

Fuck you too, common cold.

Fuck That Guy feels a bit minor compared to my real frustration, which is my face. My nose is running... I bit my lip a couple nights ago and it still hurts... I have a killer sinus headache... my mouth is fairly Sahara-esque.

But, a good woman is always true to her word.

Fuck you, Joel Osteen.

Actually, its kind of a perfect segue, me bitching about my cold to talking about Joel.
Direct quote:
"A merry heart is good like a medicine."

First of all, do you work on a plantation in 1762?
Because that sentence structure and tonality is kind of the opposite of modern speak.
But lets not focus on that.
If anyone out there ever looks me in the face when I'm feeling THIS shitty, and tells me the cure is a merry heart....
I might be forced to spit in their eye.

Moving on.

You may be more familiar with Joel's horrendously cheese ball toothy grin than his actual practices.

He's a man of God down in Texas.
That sentence itself should sent shivers down your spine by the way.
In case you were thinking about jumping into the fantastic world of ministry, take a route similar to Joel's for best results.
No, no, don't start it yourself, that would be too brazen. Work for years and years to get to the top? Nevs!
When your dad dies, just take his shit over, he's already done the work now all you've gotta do it keep vomiting up gospel to the masses!
What's that Joel???
You've NEVER preached before?
That's funny cause before your own fathers body had time to get cold, you jumped up on that platform like your feet were on fire.

What a quaint little football stadium/amphitheater/church you have there

I give Joel props (minimal props I should specify)
for having the balls to say (paraphrased) "you can be a good person without saying Christ is your Savior, you can know God without that"
Great job!
How sweet of you to offer us heathens a little plot off in the ghetto outskirts of heaven.
The catch is, going on Larry King and totally changing your opinion after the media attacks you...?
Not really giving you any propers for that little slip.
Really? You never studied theology?
Can I be a minister Mr Osteen???
I can?!?!
Wait, but I went to college for TV production, does that matter?
You did too?!?!?!?
That's CRAZY!

Gosh, I'm really glad we had this talk Joel.
Can I call you Joel?

With God all things are possible, that's the Osteen inspirational motto.
That's really great I guess unless you happen to be what?
A Jew?
A Muslim?
An atheist?
A Taoist?
A Buddhist?

Because they believe in all kinds of stuff!
But Christianity isn't generally about acceptance is it?
No matter how much charity work you do Joel, no matter how positive and happy and open-armed you may appear to be, you practice within a religion that says without accepting Jesus Christ as your savior, you're damned.
Well then, it looks like I will have to get rid of this cold myself.
Because my Christ is Aleve Multi Symptom.

I guess its not Joel I hate on.
Its every asshole who sits in front of their TV looking for God.
Does that seem beyond absurd to anyone other than me?
Get off your ass (yes I'm speaking to the 8 billion people who love Joel)
and go for a fucking walk in the woods.
You might see God there.
Go play with your kids or snuggle up like a baby bear with your lovahhhhh.
Jump in the ocean.
Come on.

Lining the pockets of what looks like the poor mans Richard Gere?

Get with the program.

If in thirst you drink water from a cup, you see God in it. Those who are not in love with God will see only their own faces in it

*Sincerest apologies for my austere side kicking everyone in the metaphorical balls.
Happy Thursday!

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