Anxiety attack party.

Did that.
For about 4 hours.
Saw basically everyone I've ever known in New York.
Sort of.


Coming home is good.

But.
Not a man for miles.

If you wanna set me up on the matchmaker tip I'm ok with it.

PS all men love my plaid wool coat.
They are not hitting on me, they just want to know where I bought it.
This depresses me.
Every time.

Also, I am pretty sure I saw the reincarnation of Fat Joe tonight.

Its like one of those Tshirts people get on vaca that say "No Rulez"

Ugh what a god damn hassle.
Why I am blogging all early is beyond me, I think its because I'm hungry therefor can't sleep therefor must run my mouth in some fashion and it just so happens there is no one to talk to right now.

Sew.
Last night I went to dirty ass stink Bodega in Bushwick, greatest hood in the world second to Chinatown.
Why is Bushwick any good?
Because all you see there is delis and train tracks and shithole buildings that people in their 20s can afford to live in, thats why.
Anydirtbag,
Bodega is precious if you ask me.
Ed is a total dick, so of course he would open an establishment where the 'bar' looks like this:



Good thing Ed is sort of hot, because he also looks like the god damn devil.
Red hair is terrifying in a 'do me' way.
People with red hair always have creep eyeballs and they are typically spastic and completely all over the place at all times.

Satan texts!!!!
(XO Ed)
Sidenote. Ed is a really good hugger, like picks you up to embrace you.
That is something all men should do because it makes girls feel petite and appreciated.
Thats just a tip for you assholes who dun know how to make a lady feel guuuuhd.


It was about 60 degrees yesterday so we got to wear spring gear aka not really coats


The whole reason I went was because Japanther and Spank Rock and Ninjasonik were 'playing' aka making mad noise. But it turns out that shithole is fun probably no matter what?
Basically every three seconds I would turn around and see someone I never see anymore.
AKA dudes I used to see when I had a dumb boyfriend.
Hi Guys!


Hi Peter.


Hi Soner, Hi _____
Friend on the right got all assed out about me taking pictures...
Oh ok, I just won't write your name because you're mad secretive about nothing.
I heart you anyway. Sort of.


Now that I recollect, there were tons and tons of men everywhere.
JK, boys.
You know men don't go to Japanther shows.
Psht.
Oh. More PS.
Shouts to the dumb bitch at the 'door' who fucking threw out my bottle of booze when I re-entered at like midnight after smoking a cigarette.
Hey guess what. I hate you. No one cared when my bag got checked at 930. You're a pain in my ass. Also, this shit is not a Pratt party circa 2002. Chill.

Long story long, me and Mollah and Denise had lots of fun and sort of danced and I fell off of some kind of speaker.
Also MegaBeth showed up looking super hot which kind of annoyed me because then I felt slightly less attractive in general.
(Mega if you're reading this which I know you are, send me those pictures of us you made people take. Theeeinks.)

Speaking of how I looked.

Lets talk about me.
If one more dude has the retardation audacity to comment on my hair I'm going to slam him in the balls.
Just because I am wearing braids does not mean you ever have the right to pull on them
and say any of the following:

"Heeeey Pocahontaaassssss"
"Oh damn Pippi"
"Hey how old are you???"

If you need to get my attention by being a stupid asshole, you simply show me that you are in fact a stupid asshole.
That means I will never touch your dumb body, or pay any mind to you, or give a shit about your presence in my reality. Please grow up and do not approach me, period. I hope that one day you realize girls hate to be annoyed. Well, I lie, girls like to be annoyed, but only when you are being super witty and adorable.
Shout outs to dudes who did not touch my hair. XO!


I think its pretty amazing how prepared we came.
Molleh flask of tequila, Krisseh flask of vodka, D flask of whiskey.
Kidding?
You wish.






Eds gay lover/bear daddy Andy.
Jking they aren't gay they're just 'close'
Andy always makes me smile because hes absurdly short yet macho.
Adorbs.


I am always intrigued with dungeon status.


This was a double U Tee Eff moment where a bunch of flashes went off on other peoples cameras and I was actually capable of sort of documenting the situation upstairs.

Ninjasonik leads to complete anarchy, I think it has something to do with the fact that they are hip black dudes.
It's like a rule, white BK kids have to start thrashing around punching eachother freaking out because they get so absurdly excited about black guys shouting into microphones over nice beats.
I got elbowed maybe 400 times over the course of 10 minutes.

Its really classic of me to leave without saying goodbye to anyone, and Molleh is pretty much the same way so we both randomly skipped out to go home.
Somehow Sam gets worked into that equation and immediately starts bitching about wanting a sandwich.

Screw face complainey snarl.


Then these raging dbags walk in and start saying 'oh hey we were just at the same spot as you wahh wahh wahh meeh mehhhhh mehhhhhhhhhh.'
So Molleh took a picture with them for the sole purpose of me having proof that they are actually wearing Rambo style bandanas with the faces of innocent English schoolboys.
Relax friends, this is not tuff guy territory you don't have to work so hard.
You look like god damn extras for a community production of The Warriors.


I tried to force Sam to get a turkey sandwich which is the cure for all ailments but he was totally stupid and got ham and swiss.
Ew.
I still ate some but thats not the point.
Ham?
Cmon.

Whatever else happened is none of your business because it got all late but heres Molleh with pants that match the walls in her apt buildings baller basement.


Great Job, Wednesday. You really know how to show and improve.

Get some new ears and teeth

So just want everyone to take a look at this.
This was over Christmas at Adelvises' house. Adelvises' actual name is Adel, he's my mums boif.
Who cares anyway, notice how normal everyone looks. Oh just some moms with their babies, some holiday spirit...
why the FUCK am I making come hither face at a Christmas gathering??
Its not appropriate, it makes no sense, I look scary, who am I.
I have no idea who that person is walking around in tank tops and satin high waisted skirts in the dead of the winter.
Oh my god, grow up.

No one caaaaaaaaaaaares.
Sing that.

Basically I wanna talk about the fact that everyone thinks its some kind of 'dangerous' that Molly and I are hanging out all the time.
Direct Quotes:
Dan Levin : Its like TNT.
FreeCaype: I'm scared.
Sam Caroll: Someone should call social services on you guys for babysitting together.

Actually its only boys who think its scary. SCAWY.
Fuck you guys.
Dun be scared.
Whatever, I get it, I would be scared of some weird bishes who roll up in a bar looking like this

left:Gilly
right: gully
Also, I'm wearing a hat ok, I don't have a bald top of head. Nice 6head, ugliness.
I don't actually think I'm ugly, I'm a babe.
Sidenote, I went on a date last night which is so weird because I don't really go on dates? But its sort of fun, I recommend it. But its a total bummer when theres no SPARK! which there wasn't.
After that I went to Brooklyn ewww and it was fun.
Hi friends! There were friends evrawhur.

I am not doing well telling stories or anything like that today.

Heres a picture in front of a stupid hippie belt/knife/hat store.

We stood there across from a school for about 15 minutes. It was molester looking.
There is no way anything I have to say today is amusing to anyone.
I just really hate that store.
Also, speaking of schools, when you are near a school there is a 50/50 chance of seeing a hot dad and I love that.
We saw a fucking banging dad with a superb mustache today.
I was moderately to highly excited about it.
I am such a mustache lover.

I'm also a Sam Sparro lover.
He is the hottest gay I've ever seen, I want to touch his bodeh.
If I had a genie, I would wish to be a really adorable twink for one day so I could go find Sam Sparro and make out with him!
It would be tasty delish glory glory hallelujah



I listen to this song way too much and it makes me have a 1990sesque dance party with myself. If you're a dj and you have never played this then get with the fucking program because it gets girls wet yo.
Sorry that was so gross.
Actually I'm not sorry at all, deal with it.


This may be the most sexually charged blog I've written in all of time.
Ladybonerz.
Nom Nom Nom

And then I took my shirt off! What!?!?

My plan over the holidays was to make some kind of year in review with photos then I realized it would be a lot of work so its just gonna have to wait until one of those days where I'm sitting at my desk drinking a beer staring up the fireplace yelling at my cats whatever it is I do when I'm just out of ideas. I have been off of work for too long, nearly two weeks. I am losing my fiyah.
This New Years was by far the most low key I've ever seen, and on a truly grand scale.
Little parties in Brooklyn. Cover charges at bars no one wanted to pay. Stupid gatherings that looked alright on paper and turned out to be a total waste of cab fare getting over. Five of my dear friends were/are out of the country therefor no good to me so to speak.
Actually six friends out of the country now that I calculate correctly. No smooch at midnight. The Uj.
This is quickly spiraling into a sob story blog so I think I should just stop.

Wonder what these two did for NYE. Party hard? No doubt.


Jameson and makeup.
A girl must plan for adventure whether or not it ever actually surfaces.

Then I guess I dropped a snake in her pants.
That joke originated in the non sexual realm of my brain.


Me Sam and Jijo hit the streets.
Chinatown looks so glamorous.
And smells so glamorous.
I think glamour probably smells like lotion made of gold dust diamonds and tiger pee.


Peace 2008.
You've been lame!


This explains the party we were at when the ball dropped.
My balls dropped.
It stunk.


Went searching for Turkish Delight over on her block, but she was watching movies and drinking wine.
I think that, coupled with an empty bar at Lil F explains exactly how fucking twilight zone the last night of 08 was.
Geigh.
Very geigh.
Plus the bruschetta was totally not on point.
What?
It hurts to even say it but it is true.

This is the point where we gave up the search for the partytimes and got cake and pie and cookies and went dungeon apartment status.
Best idea ever?
Sure.

If you wanna know how cold it was between Dumbo and the LES, it was about this cold:

Eyyo Linus!

Back in Manahatta things were looking up a little, but not until we found these masks, thanks Liv and Hiyme for having creepy shit in your house.



If there are albino babies in hell, they look like this.
They also must have done something really bad because what kind of baby gets banished to hell?
This is a question I do not want to know the answer to.
Maybe its a rapin baby.
To quote a disgusting conversation I took part in the other day; maybe the scenario is that the baby killed a kitten and then used the kittens paw to molester someones crotch.
Imagine that!


The Twin Peaks DVD makes it that much creepier.


Surprise surprise look who takes it to another level.
Me and Sam did some nudie/stockings photos because what better way to start a year than with sexytime weirdo fetish fun?
Jijo watched Fear, the classic film detailing the love affair of a psychotic Wahlberg and a appleheaded Witherspoon mid 1990s.
Say hello to ya motha for me!


After that, me and Joaquin mainlined alcohol for a few hours and played chess against eachother in a giant bathtub filled with koi fish.
The whole thing was inspired by his hairdo.
Obv.

Barrettes for men. New shit.

Just kidding, the WaKeeeeen sitch only happened in my mind.
I like how I had to say just kidding like it was at all plausible.



But seriously look at this picture and tell me WahKeeeynuh wouldn't love to do shit like this together?
I wish I could see him in tights with his bloated flesh hanging over the waistband.
Ugh so amazing.
Glitter everywhere.

I should prob photo cred Sammy for all the radical shots she took/takes on a daily basis.
Her flickr is a good place to go see T&A in an artsy way.
That rhymes!
Hire me!

I imagine more shots from New Years will make it up there eventually.
But for now there's just one of my butt which as I have said before, is my best ASSet.
Basically I should just start walking around backwards.
Don't hate.
It would only be conceited if A. it wasn't true or B. I had pretty enough of a face to make people jealous which I don't.

In closing, I hope to spend the year of 2009 with the following people:

1. Mah Boo, fingers crossed
2. my gal pals
3. my cats
4. people who tell good stories
5. people who have good comic timing
6. obviously my fam, in small doses
7. your hot mom
8. HwaaahKeeenuh! (and his barrettes)
9. my own personal band of backup singers who follow me around singing the funny things I say after I say them (like a musical echo of sorts)
10. my own radical self

XO!
May you have all the nightmares you ever wished for...










*BTdubbs, Liv Hiyme and Maudular:
We ended up in your apartment again because it was the closest and (wrongly) presumed to be the warmest.
Think of it as a compliment.
If would have been way greater if you were here with us, but you are just too good for your home aren't you?
Out there riding horses on the beach and eating burritos and laughing while you sun your smiley ass faces.
I love you very much, but its all just too much to think about.
By the way, your bed should be used as a lethal weapon to get terrorists to fall to sleepies instead of bombing shit.
It can not be resisted.

Jesus loves porn too.

Ugh I love Heineken.
I deserve it I walked 6.5 miles today. Lay off.

So yeah, good tale, good tale.
Yesterday I'm DEEEEAD asleep on the M15, really close to home by the time I wake up, I'm right around Grand and Allen.
OVER the sound of my ipod gently playing my nappy nap playlist, I hear extremely excited Chinese chatter. OK, nothing new, I live in CHINATOWN.
Not the point.
I can tell without even cracking an eyelid that one of the conversationalists is def a white girl. I don't know how I can tell, just can.
So yeah, abnormal to the maximum.
I am so disturbed by the volume of her voice. Shes talking to a crotchety old guy with a serious lost and found type get up on. I think he's wearing lady pants.
I am now in nosy mode.
I still look like a sleeping underground rodent though, I have rain hair and dark eye syndrome. I probably looked stoned. I wasn't.
Anyway, weird white girl is staring at me. Like gently. I assume shes just another lady lover, they are all super into me. I don't lie about this.
No.
She looks at me with this fucking genuine smile and says, "You know...you look like a princess! Your hair and your pretty face!!"
Exclamations necessary, this chick is amped.
She looks exactly like Topanga from Boy Meets World. And sounds like her. She is a robot sent to Earth to kiss babies and organize potlucks and when she frowns the angels weep.
OK so I def don't get it.
Then suddenly she reveals herself.
She sits down next to me, I'm literally rubbing the funk and death from my face guuhhhhhh and shes asking me what I do, where I live, how old I am. Um, duh, RELIGIOUS ZEALOT.
Now I'm onto her but I play along for blog material's sake. Jaja!
Yay play along time!
So I ask how she knows fluent Chinese. She tells me she just came to NYC from Hong Kong where she was a fucking missionary. She just "picked it up."
Now I ask where shes from.
You know the answer.
UTAH.
Hm ya don't say.
Now for the gold. Oh, so, whats your denomination?
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Now that the cats out of the bag, she gives me the Jesus speech. She looks so happy she could pee herself.
Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she asks for my phone number and gives me a Jesus card.
WOW. Amazing. I felt like I was talking to the Tom Cruise of Mormons. Recruit, recruit, come to the lord!!!!
It was amazing.



So yeah, I love the bus.

In related news, tomorrow is yet another celebration of cock, a Playgirl party!! Sex toys!

Yours truly will certainly be in attendance, and will of course give the deets.
Corrine, I love your job. And I love these parties. They are full of sassy bitches and bad dancers. And creepy decorations.
And once again, its a Happy Endings, I don't know why but its all so fitting.

I would like to share this with the universe. Little O has been wearing a superman shirt for days and I want to absorb his cuteness and swim in it like a pool of glorious magical unicorn peepee. Thats exactly how I feel about it.

The universe is simply a pile of sadness without people like him.
I think we should all get real jobs and hubbies and pump some of these out with a quickness.
Yay growing up!

Andys!

I have few great fears.
One that I openly discuss is colossal squid. Another is walking to the bathroom to pee in the night and being attacked by a gigantic wolf in the hall.
Two very unnecessary phobias.
Another fear is boredom. Done and done, we all think being boring or being amidst the boring is horrific. Nuff said on that.
But seriously, when I go to get a haircut...i am AFRAID. I really honestly think the hairdresser will just forget that I said ONE INCH and go to town on my mermaid woodland creature mess. Then I will have to do two things:
1. berate the hairdresser until they look like they will cry.
2. start crying myself AS I berate them, then uncontrollably flee from said salon.

Point is, I want to be a girl-boy. People have been doing it for so long. i really wish I was free enough to know my hair doesn't make me. Nor does my lady ass (which is awesome, I have to say)
If I don't wear mascara to a bar, people will not throw up upon first sight of me.
If I want to, I should wear boys shoes because I like feeling like a horse clomping around.
Being sporty and hilarious and smart should not be words I am afraid to use when I describe myself.
Historically, humans have always been enamored with girl-boys and boy-girls.
Androgyny is by far the most beautiful thing in the universe.
I have always loved a man with long viking hair and twinkly eyes. Grr.
And girls with strong little boy bodies and fitted hats. Tssss!
It's in our blood for sure.
Alchemists, Christians, Kabbahlists, Hindus, Ancient Greeks, get real. They knew.




Ancient pepaw times aside, look at fucking pop culture. That horrid shit spewing fagbag Chris Crocker became famous just because he has frosted hair and wears mad lip gloss. Guhh. People just love looking at those things, it's amazing.And if you can bear to admit it, that bitch is hot. HeShe looks like a fucking retarded Skipper doll in only the best way.
And Crocker is like the margarine of the androgyny tasting tray.
Totally nasty cheap processed boring waste.
American culture has seen some godly andys traipsing around.
David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Mick Jagger, Prince, Grace Jones, etcetera etcetera.
Whatever, just look at this random kid. I have no idea what that is, but it is breaking my heart in 400 hundred pieces of cuteness fragments.


And my personal favorite, the perfect contemporary hot bitch:
(getting. on. tappa. yas.)

Obv Sam West photography.
Shut up all of you, I know, it's getting old but she's seriously a piece and a half.

In conclusion, this was all very gay of me.
xo.