Whats more special than you? Its me.

One of my biggest problems is not thinking I'm the shit.
I probably should at least within reason.
I'm cute and funny and I win at Scrabble most of the time.
I can cook and I have great hair.
I help people move to new apartments and forgive people when they fuck up.
I take care of babies and I give Fail Dudes a chance as long as they have some heart.

I think B and Kanye are probably the most self assured public figures maybe ever.
I mean really.



On that note, I'm about to go marinate some chicken and have another beer.
Summer afternoons at home are like panda bears burping rainbows into jars and wrapping them up in sparkly bows for your birthday.
(when you open the jar it doesn't smell like burp it smells like strawberry KoolAid)
(or jasmine)

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a forester
Run through the moss on high heels
That’s what I’ll do, throwing out boomerang
Waiting for it to come back to me

When I grow up, I want to live near the sea
Crab claws and bottles of rum
That’s what i’ll have staring at the seashell
Waiting for it to embrace me

I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
with dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad, I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you

I’m very good with plants
When my friends are away
they let me keep the soil moist
On the seventh day I rest
for a minute or two
then back on my feet and cry for you oooh oh

You’ve got cucumbers on your eyes
Too much time spent on nothing
waiting for a moment to arise
The face in the ceiling and arms too long
I wait for him to catch me

Waiting for you to embrace me



FEVER RAY

*HAPPY SOLSTICE*

Theatrics!

SO MACABRE.



I wish Trent and I could get married in a black forest that smells like density and wilting rose buds :(

Whoops just kidding.

Whoops serious.

Yall thought you knew me.

All the good ones are dead or doing yoga.

I kind of really want to see Stone Temple Pilots in Atlantic City next month.
Maybe to get ready I will pierce my nose the night before and stock up on Manic Panic and get some really bad dope to shoot.
Whoops just kidding.
I'm not kidding about wanting to see them though.



How epic was Unplugged???
I have intense memories of falling in love with Scott Weiland/Eddie Vedder/Kurt Cobain(RIP)/Layne Staley(RIP)

PS MTV Unplugged is coming back according to this music news blog post but its only going to be online and it includes Katy Perry.
Really?
Fuck you, MTV.
If you can not live up to the year of 1993, then just give up already because I hate you.

the teachers

I loved Big Bird to an intense degree as a kid. I had this very large talking Big Bird doll that played tapes you loaded into his back. And I loved that movie, Follow That Bird.
Turns out the guy who made all the music for the film is Van Dyke Parks, who also worked on my favorite album of all time, Ys by Joanna Newsom. What a lovely coincidence.
I digress.
I used to cry at the end of the episodes of Sesame Street because they meant so much to me. There was a strange loneliness hearing the closing music and seeing... 'this episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by....'
James Taylor singing Jelly Man Kelly with the kids and the tuba singer?
Down, down baby I can do karate? Down down baby I can call my mommy?
The pinball machine cartoons?
My Name is You?
Patty Labelle singing "How I Miss My X?"

I mean really.
It goes down as the most inspiring element of my whole childhood.

Who we are and how we work through things has so much to do with the people we look to when we feel a new feeling. Its really simple maybe.


I'm hoping its not some terrible omen, but I came across this amazing clip that aired after Mr. Hooper died on Sesame Street.
Instead of avoiding the subject, replacing the actor, and brushing it under the rug, the adults on Sesame Street tell Big Bird.

The same way I felt 20 years ago, I feel now seeing this.

I don't think I've come across something this beautiful in a very long time.
I hope you watch it friends.

Damn girl your big toes the star of the show

1943, Tex Avery.
Legendary.
Some nights I just want to watch cartoons and eat chocolate pretzels.
Deal with it.




City Wolf loves them rural gurls in the end....

Whens Lourdes gonna take over?

This video is so hot and this song is so right on and corny!
Madonna was such an idol to me mostly because she has this traditionally masculine element to her...was that some kind of weird defense mechanism? I don't know.
But Pre-kabbalah she was a beacon of sexuality and moxie and liberation.
Who cares? Christopher Walken plays the angel of death!

Sidenote: This song hits amazingly close to home at the moment. I am not scared to admit that. Never scared. Wahhh

Propers/BigUps/Paying Dues/Enjoyable Moments:

1. Go see CAPTURED at Collective Hardware 169 Bowery at 8pm tomorrow.



Ben and Dan are very special people.
Though they are both amazingly annoying, they are certainly driven and talented and awesome and I love them.
So.
That is the reasoning behind going to see their movie.
Support them?
Yes.
Do it.
Or else pay the price of being left out.

2. Crystal Moselle is also a little elf of filmmaking.
appréciez svp:


Bijules 2009 from crystal moselle on Vimeo.

fly over the forest howl at the moon lets do this.

Now onto me.
I have some thoughts today.
Here goes.

Opinion.
It is not ok to wear a half pony tail ever.
Unless you are Kimmy Gibler.

Even then, it serves a very specific purpose which is to make your best friend appear way hotter than she actually is in comparison to you.
There is something so gross about the half pony.
Lets call it the centaur.

Opinion.
I think white americans drink a lot more coffee than black americans.
I am basing this on early morning subway rides to work as well as daily observations of patrons of Le Pain Quoditien/Starbucks/a number of delis on Broadway.
I feel as though I would have to do more research on this topic to have it hold any ground, but then I realized another piece of evidence to support my hypothesis...
black americans on tv don't even seem to drink coffee.
Think Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier etc etc. Coffee drinking. You see it. Plenty.
Now think Family Matters, Martin, Bernie Mac Show etc. Did Carl ever sit around drinking coffee? Tommy? Anyone? I feel like the answer is no.
I mean, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Which I am. Tons.
But this is something I've been thinking about for days.
Obviously I need a hobby.

Opinion.
Twitter is weird.
I never know if I am saying something worth reading or not.
About every 10-12 minutes during the working day, I refresh the Twitterific application on my phone. I apparently need to see what people I know are doing.
Mind you, most of the people who update constantly are people I don't know such as Shaq and Martha Stewart.
I am finding I experience on odd sense of terror when I don't check twitter.
Do I need to know that Martha Stewwies successfully washed her dogs an hour ago?
Yes.
Yes I do.
And that is the terrifying truth about our web obsessed society.

Opinion.
Seeing Morrissey in concert is absolutely not overrated.
Especially if its at Cargenie Hall.
Even if you are in the nosebleeds.
But I would suggest NOT trying to chug a 12 dollar drink in the hall just because you can't bring it to your seat. That is neither fun nor wise.

helloooooo doooown theeeeeeeruh.

Look at them all!
It felt like church is that bizarre?

Menacholy Moz.

Merry Moz!
Melange of emotion, I'm serious.

Not opinion, fact:
I should be wearing these shoes this spring.
So hopefully 800 dollars will drop from the sky.
Theeeinks!

Alexander Wang.
Alexander Boner more like it.
I would take these subs:





Also Fact:
I have retrieved an original Purple Rain Tour muscle tee of rare design.
That is the only thing that matters now.



Final thought of the day is that if Joanna Newsom does not put out a new album soon, I will start to get frustrated.
There are only so many times I can cry tears of joy listening to Cosmia in the middle of the night.

I am willing to bet you won;t watch this, you meaning everyone, but seeing her perform many times, she totally makes me love the magic of life!
I do not mean that even remotely sarcastically.
STALKER STATUS>
Jk I don't stalk her.
Anymore.
Jk I never did!



Or did I.


Heres another one!
This one literally breaks my heart and puts it back together.
I can't really stand it.


Video day!

Moderately astounded.

Not all of the advertising world is a barren shitty wasteland of demonic manipulation and trickery.
This made me cry!
Thanks Wyatt for bringing it to attention.
Totally inspiring.
Oh my god, life.

PS Robert Frost is still the man.

Pretty sure I'm always having one of dem days

Hopefully I will return tomorrow after work with some interesting social commentary about my recent activities.
And I will share them with yall.

PS Gingerale is in my top three favorite beverages of all time.
Just a fact nonrelated to anything.

Get some new ears and teeth

So just want everyone to take a look at this.
This was over Christmas at Adelvises' house. Adelvises' actual name is Adel, he's my mums boif.
Who cares anyway, notice how normal everyone looks. Oh just some moms with their babies, some holiday spirit...
why the FUCK am I making come hither face at a Christmas gathering??
Its not appropriate, it makes no sense, I look scary, who am I.
I have no idea who that person is walking around in tank tops and satin high waisted skirts in the dead of the winter.
Oh my god, grow up.

No one caaaaaaaaaaaares.
Sing that.

Basically I wanna talk about the fact that everyone thinks its some kind of 'dangerous' that Molly and I are hanging out all the time.
Direct Quotes:
Dan Levin : Its like TNT.
FreeCaype: I'm scared.
Sam Caroll: Someone should call social services on you guys for babysitting together.

Actually its only boys who think its scary. SCAWY.
Fuck you guys.
Dun be scared.
Whatever, I get it, I would be scared of some weird bishes who roll up in a bar looking like this

left:Gilly
right: gully
Also, I'm wearing a hat ok, I don't have a bald top of head. Nice 6head, ugliness.
I don't actually think I'm ugly, I'm a babe.
Sidenote, I went on a date last night which is so weird because I don't really go on dates? But its sort of fun, I recommend it. But its a total bummer when theres no SPARK! which there wasn't.
After that I went to Brooklyn ewww and it was fun.
Hi friends! There were friends evrawhur.

I am not doing well telling stories or anything like that today.

Heres a picture in front of a stupid hippie belt/knife/hat store.

We stood there across from a school for about 15 minutes. It was molester looking.
There is no way anything I have to say today is amusing to anyone.
I just really hate that store.
Also, speaking of schools, when you are near a school there is a 50/50 chance of seeing a hot dad and I love that.
We saw a fucking banging dad with a superb mustache today.
I was moderately to highly excited about it.
I am such a mustache lover.

I'm also a Sam Sparro lover.
He is the hottest gay I've ever seen, I want to touch his bodeh.
If I had a genie, I would wish to be a really adorable twink for one day so I could go find Sam Sparro and make out with him!
It would be tasty delish glory glory hallelujah



I listen to this song way too much and it makes me have a 1990sesque dance party with myself. If you're a dj and you have never played this then get with the fucking program because it gets girls wet yo.
Sorry that was so gross.
Actually I'm not sorry at all, deal with it.


This may be the most sexually charged blog I've written in all of time.
Ladybonerz.
Nom Nom Nom

Oh, I'm sorry Margaret.

Who wants to make out with Will Ferrell?
I love mustaches.

Nothings fair after that either dummy

I just thought right now of this awesome memory I have about being in a pool.

I think I was between 9 and 11 years old and me and my mom went to Florida to stay in a house, I think it was my great aunt and uncles house...John and Ellen? When my brother was a baby he put their names together and called them "Jellen"
Presh.

Maybe my parents were on their way to splitting up, or basically split up, I would imagine thats how I ended up somewhere alone with my mom.
I was reading this super dramatic young adult book about a fat girl who no one was nice to, and she gave some girls satchels of lavender she made, picked from her yard. Thats how she wooed them.
PS I was reading all kinds of things at that age, but this shit I would still read right now, its like reading OK Magazine.
Girls are 12 forever, that is a fact.

Is it just me or is the girl with the bun looking in the mirror a little fox in the making?
Anyway I spend basically a whole day on a float in a pool inside a screened porch. Reading a book by a lady named Barthe.
The water was the temperature of the air.
Then my mom made tuna sandwiches and they were really good.
I wish I was there right now.

Also, I was a was "here" right now.

This is a picture of me peeing in an alley in like 2004.
Its probably the first time I hung out with Bianca and Stephanie and I don't remember who else because I was drunk.
It was really fun I think?
And it was one of the few times I remember during my relash with youknowwho that I didn't get yelled at for hanging out with girls.
He was a total hater when it came to me making my own friends.
C'est la vie.
Another fun fact about life circa 04...
I was really really good at peepeeing in bottles.
Now that you know everything about my urinating style, I think I can move on.
*Thanks Bianca for sending me all these weird fucking pictures where we were all at least 15 pounds thinner.
Great.
I love being 25.
Awes.


BeeTeeDubbs, what happened to this nigga?

Ugh he is so petite feet feminine step I can't bear it.
Hes like a baby bird.
He really sort of bites my man Prince with all that motorcycle riding and pruning though.

Lets discuss clothes now.
Ebay is currently amazing.
There is so much I want!
But I don't have any money.

Why are all the girls who model vintage dresses on ebay so ana?
I decided it needed a term, so I settled on FauxPosh.
Per examplaaaay-

You look more like Hungry Spice, bish.

Sorry, someone lit some hateration incense in the gyps den tonight.
Smells like Indian food and baby oil.

XO!

And then I took my shirt off! What!?!?

My plan over the holidays was to make some kind of year in review with photos then I realized it would be a lot of work so its just gonna have to wait until one of those days where I'm sitting at my desk drinking a beer staring up the fireplace yelling at my cats whatever it is I do when I'm just out of ideas. I have been off of work for too long, nearly two weeks. I am losing my fiyah.
This New Years was by far the most low key I've ever seen, and on a truly grand scale.
Little parties in Brooklyn. Cover charges at bars no one wanted to pay. Stupid gatherings that looked alright on paper and turned out to be a total waste of cab fare getting over. Five of my dear friends were/are out of the country therefor no good to me so to speak.
Actually six friends out of the country now that I calculate correctly. No smooch at midnight. The Uj.
This is quickly spiraling into a sob story blog so I think I should just stop.

Wonder what these two did for NYE. Party hard? No doubt.


Jameson and makeup.
A girl must plan for adventure whether or not it ever actually surfaces.

Then I guess I dropped a snake in her pants.
That joke originated in the non sexual realm of my brain.


Me Sam and Jijo hit the streets.
Chinatown looks so glamorous.
And smells so glamorous.
I think glamour probably smells like lotion made of gold dust diamonds and tiger pee.


Peace 2008.
You've been lame!


This explains the party we were at when the ball dropped.
My balls dropped.
It stunk.


Went searching for Turkish Delight over on her block, but she was watching movies and drinking wine.
I think that, coupled with an empty bar at Lil F explains exactly how fucking twilight zone the last night of 08 was.
Geigh.
Very geigh.
Plus the bruschetta was totally not on point.
What?
It hurts to even say it but it is true.

This is the point where we gave up the search for the partytimes and got cake and pie and cookies and went dungeon apartment status.
Best idea ever?
Sure.

If you wanna know how cold it was between Dumbo and the LES, it was about this cold:

Eyyo Linus!

Back in Manahatta things were looking up a little, but not until we found these masks, thanks Liv and Hiyme for having creepy shit in your house.



If there are albino babies in hell, they look like this.
They also must have done something really bad because what kind of baby gets banished to hell?
This is a question I do not want to know the answer to.
Maybe its a rapin baby.
To quote a disgusting conversation I took part in the other day; maybe the scenario is that the baby killed a kitten and then used the kittens paw to molester someones crotch.
Imagine that!


The Twin Peaks DVD makes it that much creepier.


Surprise surprise look who takes it to another level.
Me and Sam did some nudie/stockings photos because what better way to start a year than with sexytime weirdo fetish fun?
Jijo watched Fear, the classic film detailing the love affair of a psychotic Wahlberg and a appleheaded Witherspoon mid 1990s.
Say hello to ya motha for me!


After that, me and Joaquin mainlined alcohol for a few hours and played chess against eachother in a giant bathtub filled with koi fish.
The whole thing was inspired by his hairdo.
Obv.

Barrettes for men. New shit.

Just kidding, the WaKeeeeen sitch only happened in my mind.
I like how I had to say just kidding like it was at all plausible.



But seriously look at this picture and tell me WahKeeeynuh wouldn't love to do shit like this together?
I wish I could see him in tights with his bloated flesh hanging over the waistband.
Ugh so amazing.
Glitter everywhere.

I should prob photo cred Sammy for all the radical shots she took/takes on a daily basis.
Her flickr is a good place to go see T&A in an artsy way.
That rhymes!
Hire me!

I imagine more shots from New Years will make it up there eventually.
But for now there's just one of my butt which as I have said before, is my best ASSet.
Basically I should just start walking around backwards.
Don't hate.
It would only be conceited if A. it wasn't true or B. I had pretty enough of a face to make people jealous which I don't.

In closing, I hope to spend the year of 2009 with the following people:

1. Mah Boo, fingers crossed
2. my gal pals
3. my cats
4. people who tell good stories
5. people who have good comic timing
6. obviously my fam, in small doses
7. your hot mom
8. HwaaahKeeenuh! (and his barrettes)
9. my own personal band of backup singers who follow me around singing the funny things I say after I say them (like a musical echo of sorts)
10. my own radical self

XO!
May you have all the nightmares you ever wished for...










*BTdubbs, Liv Hiyme and Maudular:
We ended up in your apartment again because it was the closest and (wrongly) presumed to be the warmest.
Think of it as a compliment.
If would have been way greater if you were here with us, but you are just too good for your home aren't you?
Out there riding horses on the beach and eating burritos and laughing while you sun your smiley ass faces.
I love you very much, but its all just too much to think about.
By the way, your bed should be used as a lethal weapon to get terrorists to fall to sleepies instead of bombing shit.
It can not be resisted.

This whole nap sitch

Never napping at night again.
NNNNNNNNNNN.

TER-giiit lady!!!!!!

your boy is back

I love this man.
I also love his wife.
Big deal.

REALLY. STOP IT.

I am on one today.

STOP PLAYIN

blues.
really?
yes these are them.

GNR

Good Nights Rest.
Not Guns N Roses.

It is really cold.
Seriously.
My cats are darting from the heater to the window to the heater to the window super confused.
Like why is it that when we come over here and look out into the yard...we get frozen and uncomfortable.
They are cats so they don't realize the concept of the heat coming from the heater.
When they walk on me in bed, their frigid paws make me cringe.

Maybe I am overreacting.


The fucked up thing is, there are all kinds of parties coming up for the holidays I guess, so we all have to leave our apartments and put on 12 layers and shake uncontrollably when we have a cigarette break.
Its very stupid, this winter situation.

I went to Brooklyn last night because its really hard to get people who live OUT THERE to come to me.
I'm simply outnumbered.

Chiara's place feels kind of like mine.
It's too big to make much sense and there is stuff everywhere.
Voodoo looking stuff.
Stuff that does not really go with the other stuff that is near it.
But her place is not as falling-apart-war-zone as mine.
So I guess she wins.

Actually I lie.
I'll tell you who wins.
Raf, for looking like Black Nicholson.

PS that remote is out of control.
Oh my god remember that show Remote Control???
It was so good!



Side note: Colin Quinn was weird on that show, also he was weird that time he asked me on a date on the N train. I don't care if you think thats gross, he is still sort of hot and also funny.


What was that record I was looking foooooor.....?


Ah here it is


Elliot is hiding behind the behinds.
Hes probably secretly smelling the back cover.
Gross.
Sorry.
I'm sure hes not.



Or is he.



I want to submit this to Martha Stewart to top the alltime list of "Good Things."


Hi Naomi Newt.


May I have some of this lemon?
Yes but don't pierce it and pose in the doorway like that ever again.


I'm pretty sure that someone in the room makes this face every time I open my mouth.


I make a horrible magic mushroom.
But I got those Levis for 8 dollars.




I tried to get them to come back to the city with me but they basically laughed in my face.
The tables have turned haven't they.
Those tables and their turning.
I'm going to show those tables.

Anyway I got too drunk and spent 30 dollars total on car services, then 5 dollars on the BEST SANDWICH I HAVE EVER EATEN and 3 dollars on a bag of chips. I would like to go on record saying that a turkey sanwich with munster cheese shredded lettuce and tomato (light on the mayo) on a HOAGIE is possibly the cure for any and all drinking related maladies.

If I could kiss a turkey I would, as thanks for dying to make my tummy gratified.
But I will not kiss a turkey because they are ugly and disgusting. God must have made them delicious because he knew none of us could stand the sight of their grotesque/hideous faces.

Bee Town

ICYDKNYK (in case you didn't know now you know)

I love everything about this stupid asshole song, especially the dancing in the video.
With the addition of Andy Samburg and JTimbergay and some small round guy (non Horatio Sanz)
its even bettahhh than evahhhhh.

Secret #1: I love laughing.
Secret #2: You're dead.
Secret #3: Sasha Fierce all day/all night/forever/until she gets fat like Tyra. AKA TyTyBaby.

SuhGuh.

Bee skit @ (Nov 15 2008)
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