Jesus loves porn too.

Ugh I love Heineken.
I deserve it I walked 6.5 miles today. Lay off.

So yeah, good tale, good tale.
Yesterday I'm DEEEEAD asleep on the M15, really close to home by the time I wake up, I'm right around Grand and Allen.
OVER the sound of my ipod gently playing my nappy nap playlist, I hear extremely excited Chinese chatter. OK, nothing new, I live in CHINATOWN.
Not the point.
I can tell without even cracking an eyelid that one of the conversationalists is def a white girl. I don't know how I can tell, just can.
So yeah, abnormal to the maximum.
I am so disturbed by the volume of her voice. Shes talking to a crotchety old guy with a serious lost and found type get up on. I think he's wearing lady pants.
I am now in nosy mode.
I still look like a sleeping underground rodent though, I have rain hair and dark eye syndrome. I probably looked stoned. I wasn't.
Anyway, weird white girl is staring at me. Like gently. I assume shes just another lady lover, they are all super into me. I don't lie about this.
No.
She looks at me with this fucking genuine smile and says, "You know...you look like a princess! Your hair and your pretty face!!"
Exclamations necessary, this chick is amped.
She looks exactly like Topanga from Boy Meets World. And sounds like her. She is a robot sent to Earth to kiss babies and organize potlucks and when she frowns the angels weep.
OK so I def don't get it.
Then suddenly she reveals herself.
She sits down next to me, I'm literally rubbing the funk and death from my face guuhhhhhh and shes asking me what I do, where I live, how old I am. Um, duh, RELIGIOUS ZEALOT.
Now I'm onto her but I play along for blog material's sake. Jaja!
Yay play along time!
So I ask how she knows fluent Chinese. She tells me she just came to NYC from Hong Kong where she was a fucking missionary. She just "picked it up."
Now I ask where shes from.
You know the answer.
UTAH.
Hm ya don't say.
Now for the gold. Oh, so, whats your denomination?
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Now that the cats out of the bag, she gives me the Jesus speech. She looks so happy she could pee herself.
Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she asks for my phone number and gives me a Jesus card.
WOW. Amazing. I felt like I was talking to the Tom Cruise of Mormons. Recruit, recruit, come to the lord!!!!
It was amazing.



So yeah, I love the bus.

In related news, tomorrow is yet another celebration of cock, a Playgirl party!! Sex toys!

Yours truly will certainly be in attendance, and will of course give the deets.
Corrine, I love your job. And I love these parties. They are full of sassy bitches and bad dancers. And creepy decorations.
And once again, its a Happy Endings, I don't know why but its all so fitting.

I would like to share this with the universe. Little O has been wearing a superman shirt for days and I want to absorb his cuteness and swim in it like a pool of glorious magical unicorn peepee. Thats exactly how I feel about it.

The universe is simply a pile of sadness without people like him.
I think we should all get real jobs and hubbies and pump some of these out with a quickness.
Yay growing up!

Happy Endings. Accurate.

So I just got home from Brooklyn and boy is my liver tired.
Super Stephanie put me up at her crib after a night of mayhem.
To begin, all parties should start at 7 pm sharp. It totally makes the night seem endless in a good way.
So....
I get to the Playgirl party at Happy Endings with wet boots and a shitty attitude. Typical.
There's a line. Already. At 7:20.
Just what I need, a girl in line behind me from Canada (of course) starts talking to me about sexy fiction novels having bad endings and "beefcakes". Ugh. What a Canadian.
Anyway, as soon as I walk in I see my gal Corrine looking banging as usual and the ever smiling Felicia. Thank God I don't find her zest for life irritating.
So Felicia is somehow drunk already which is hilar. I go to the bar and the only free shit is some weird Tennessee rum. OOOOOOOOK. Needless to say, pour me a glass lackey, my gullets dry.
So I'm getting drunk as quickly as possible and Corrine nearly passes out which was not cool. That vasovagal response shit is no joke. Poor booski. Whatever, she's fine. Love you.
So Sterp and Chiara and Denise and Jiwon appear and that was great. Good crowd ladies.
Some old smelly fat guy was dancing like a maniac for the whole 3 hour party. He sucked by the way. He seriously also smelled like shit. Then with Chiara as my wingman I stuck a poster of a naked dude with a xmas ball hanging from his dickhole on some guy's back. That made me laugh!
So all in all, it was a good sitch. By the way, I hate downstairs at Happy Endings. That shit makes me feel like I'm tripping. Those lights and the tiled wall rooms...so creepsville.
At the end of the swaree we got some goody bags and guess what I got?! A glittery pink vibe! Word.
I also decided to bring home a copy of the issue so when my heterosexual subletter comes here Jan. 1 I can make him slightly uncomfortable when he goes into the bathroom.
Yay Jokes!

So then we go to see Red Ed at Galapagos in BK. There was some misteltoe party. I never get smooched. I hate BK, but I love Stephanie so I let her boss me around sometimes. I missed the balls out of her these last couple months. True story.
Anyway theres a cover at Galapagays so Corrine and Chiara bounce. And Felicia the Shaderican doesn't pay she just asks to go to the bathroom and dude lets her slide I guess. Aw, Felicia so cute. I get a lot drunker, theres some asshole bands and Denise and Stephanie and I have much fun. We take some holiday pictures with the worst photog ev. I switch over to vodkas and I'm in the danger zone,but no big deal.
Denise makes me laugh. I try to guess everyones zodiac sign, which means I'm housed. I get most of them right except this white supremacist looking dude who bought me a drink. For some reason that annoyed me so I told him he had a receding hair line and that we all hate Sagitarius.
According to Stephanie the night ended with me laying on the wet sidewalk and Denise following suit. Then Mommy Porto put us in a cab and I snuggled up to her all night long. Yay!
I awoke to this at 730 am:




I'm excited for this homemade Chex Mix and brownies. And booze. Girlfriend throws a good holiday party. I wish Libby wasnt in gay Pareee (ahem Paris) because it won't be the same without her.

I think I should hurry up and marry Sterp before some idiot gets their hands on her.
Then she and I and Lucy can live happily ever after the end.