I got anotha man but he ain't like ya

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Have you seen me?

I'm not laying low, I'm just doing things a little differently.
While I wait for my perfect Ninja Turtle pizza to get here to cure my booze belly, I will share the imagery I'm sure you've so tirelessly been awaiting.
I am in a love hate relash with my blog right now because its being really tempermental and wont let me upload things.
So all of this is stupid shit I have for the most part half forgotten about anyway.



I am obsessed with self sufficient kids.
No way could I get on a bus alone when I was that age.
I would have peed myself then cried then pretended I was crying about something else.
So not only was I a sissy, but also a fucking liar.


Your bike sucks.
Everyone in this city thinks their bike kicks every other bikes ass.
I propose the idea that weird Chinese people are the raddest.
The Jazzy.
Parked.
and Chained.
Outside.
Of a salon.
That paint job is sublime.
Summer of the Jazzy, dudes.
Lets all get fat lazy and dorked out.


This is what you do on a nice day when being the nanny for a 2 year old boy with subhuman strength.
Fill an Igloo with bricks from the garden.
Add charcoal ash from the grill.
Then water.
Voila.
A disgusting and strangely amusing hour wasted.
The subhuman strgnth part comes in when for fun, he drags it around the yard talking to himself about "doing the work"


Ok so I never blogged about Albany.
Maybe it was all too hilarious to share. Some things are left better as inside jokes so you have something to rub in the faces of your other friends.
Hahahahaha remember the Sidedoor Cafe beligerence kick out? Hahahahahaha remember our cave tourguide? Hahahahaha remember Jerome?
Oh thats right, you weren't theeeeeeerrrrrre. Buuuummer. Too bad.
Grow up Krissy.
Anyway, we went to this fucking craaaazy museum about the history of the state of New York. I seriously loved it. We set off an alarm by trying to get Steph in the wolf display, saw some creeped out wax humans, did a little museum dancing (ample space for large scale movement)
but the best thing I have ever seen.
Is contained in above photo.
A rock. That naturally glows. And its called (SCIENTIFICALLY NAMED).......
Cummingtonite.
Oh my gay god.
Jesus lord in all of your glory.
Why is that so great? Not sure. Nevertheless I screamed in the museum.


I hated that Pam went abroad.
I missed her a lot so when she came home, naturally we had to sit around eating pizza and ice cream.
The Life.
I don't think she will like this picture very much.


We went to the best Polish spot.
Male Model Adrian and his hot Lady Model girlfriend Yomi had a little get together at Polonia.
The borsht was to die for. So I died. I am dead right now. If I go back and get another bowl of it, I can cancel out the effect and I will be alive for eternity. Natch. The pierogies were also great.
The bottles of beer were gigantic and cheap.
So except for the fact that I was surrounded by a table of better looking better educated better employed friends, it was a success.
I feel like a cheeseburger amongst a table of kobe.
MMM cheeseburgers.


Another kobe.
What an asshole.
Christian is prettier than every girl I know.
And he sings.
Basically I want to undergo radical genital surgery, become a boy, have my voicebox removed and replaced, get rods stuck in my legs to be at least 6 feet tall, and tell everyone that I'm him.
That way I would be super sexy.
Thankfully pretty people are gross to me so none of that surgery will be happening.
I prefer the company of the uglyhots.


Alex is also pretty but you can't tell when he is stoner pouting.
I like these guys and their band is pretty good. (Aloke shout out)
I would like to be paid for promotion services in 6 packs of Heineken and hair shampooing. WITH scalp massage.


Mother of the year 2008 Katherine Jess Conley/Miller smokes Marlboros and flips off her sister for absolutely no reason.
What a Georgia Peach.
*EDIT: I just got a bitchy email about how rude it is to insult whether somoeone is a good mom or not. I wasn't being sarcastic shes a great mom.
So let me be really specific:
Sourpuss of the Year.
Acuraccy and intent in my blog is very important.
* end of edit
My moms backyard is heaven for people who like fairies windchimes and swing couches.
Open invitation to come check it out.



Her absurdly perfect spawn had her 1st birthday last week.
Hence my trip to ATL.
I hope Kayla lives forever. Only in my dreams.

Aunt Krissy is super fun.
Kayla has started talking and said , "MMM good" while biting a dirty lemon.
I have video proof of it but I won't torture you. Showing that video would be like when a boy you want to sleep with tickles you as a flirtation tactic.
Cuteness injection.
Like shooting cocaine up your asshole. Thats what Stevie Nicks does. (NIGHT OF 1000 STEVIES BLOG COMING SOON. SO BIG TIME)


I wish this picture came out.
I finally saw Z after months of little to no love.
We are both flaky about keeping plans. And we are old friends so it seems ok to just let 6 months go by without a face to face.
4 years ago I showed a cell phone picture of Z to Neckface and told him she was maybe the girl of his dreams and that she lived in Cali so he would have to wait to meet her.
A week ago they met. Drunk. At Sweet and Viscious.
It was not how I had always envisioned it.
He said goodbye to her by biting her. That was my suggestion.
I blame the booze.
Point is, I love Zara and seeing her was great. Jeylans loopy ass was there to. Original Gypsy Den reunion. Sentimental shit.


Earlier that same night I had dinner at Good World wth Professor Alger. I love our dinners. They are always really fun and relaxing.
Especially when he has taken 6 Xanax that day.
Bogdan was our waiter and I think he had a really hard time understanding the thigs coming out of Professor Chill Outs mouth.
We ate a steak and it was fabulous.


Of all the things to take a picture of in my apartment.
Quote:
"I like how your outlet looks really used. Like distressed."
So deep.
Must mean something right?
No probably not.
Weird weird guy.


Little taste of whats to come.
This was my favorite performer from NOTS last night.
I think hes taking hormones because he has these weird boobs sprouting under that frock.
He stripped down to gold booty shorts and bit whole oranges a spit the peices everywhere. He also doused himself in red wine and danced/lipsynched Desert Angel.
While strobe lights flashed.
It was fucking frantic and gross and my wet dream.
To be continued.

He looks pregnant in a sexy way though

I have been feeling super uninspired to blog so I sort of feel like I'm doing laundry or something. You can only go so many days before you have to wash your jeans or make humorous commentary about your activities.

I have been complaining a lot about the same shit. Mostly that I'm drinking too much and I am totally over being single.
I think the saddest part is, drunk girls are NOT attractive. They are loud and confusing and sometimes floozies.

I honestly don't think blogs are the place for an exploration of the deep deep dark stinky self, so instead of bitching I would rather talk about things I have been up to.

Thursday I drank some beer and youtube video traded with Andy. He sent me this horrible shit about how swords are dangerous, and yes, sometimes they kill asians. I felt like I was watching trailer trash nazi propoganda leftovers.
The guy in the video, I can garauntee he eats Hungry Man every single night.
And he does it old school, no microwave, it goes in a filthy oven with holes poked in the plastic. Ugh. I fear other people in ways I can't tell.

After that I forced myself out of bed to go to Mr. Alger's gallery showing waaaaaay over on the west side.
When will there be a train that goes further west than 8th? Ever? For the love of god it is a TREK.
I spent 40 minutes getting over there and had to pee the whole time. It was absolute torture.
But it was nice when I got there, everything looked really lovely, I was proud.
Sometimes I love gallery thingies because there are always super insane people walking around in just the right element.
Like the 70 year old man with the weird glasses and the mooseknuckle ball grab pants. He always has annoying items attached to his lapel, or is using some kind of walking stick, or shows up eating something you don't really eat in public, like some kind of fritter or a complicated fruit.
There was a hot bald Scottish guy there wearing a kilt. I obviously had to ask him what was under it and he said these magical words, "On a good night, honey....just lipstick."
Ummmm. awesome? I'd get on tappa theat.
I chatted lots with Staten Island Frank about how great Luther Vandross is and then I cut out of there and went home to see Sam and buddy up with my roommate and his friend Scott.
Good times.
Scott asks my advice about girls and I am the last person you should ever ask about anything. Not only am I totally full of shit, but I have no idea what actual girls are like. I don't follow the girl rules because they are a complex smattering of nonsense.

We took some pictures praying to god and I somehow ended up with black spray paint all over my wall.
Nightmare.












I then waited patiently all through Friday and Saturday for Burrito Party at Kaitlins.

I like to arrive places early because I am an anxious nerd.
Corrine Sterp and I "helped" my cutting things up and stirring things and I more or less diced one pepper then walked around with a vodka soda getting in the way.
I brought glazed donuts.
Nonsensical. Yet delish.

Lots of good people, chatty chat chat.
Then we all sat around with gluttonous piles of ingredient atop little wraps. Glory.
The only words said were, "I cannot close my burrito" and "this is the best burrito of all time"

Nothing else.



Seriously though, I do think my burrito was the best of all time.
Nonfiction.

Kaitlin is a really amazing hostess and everything was pretty and perfect and yummy.
Except the weird smell dish which had garlic and change in it.
I think that was a mistake.


Look I am in a delicious dish induced coma.

I revealed to Louie and Ambular that yes they do in fact hold the best couple title for being attractive and being good at telling tales together.
Then I wanted to throw up because Louie started telling stories about cute children and Ambular got twinkly eyed and told me the romantic origins of how they met and I wanted to tell them they will fail in love just like the rest of us.
Just kidding.
Not really.
But they are cute. The End.

Sterp got very drunk and that is very funny to me lately because shes not really the type. She sort of turns into a Krissyesque drunk by saying rude things that make people uncomfortable. Then she just stares at you.



We had a fantastic discussion at one point about how sortof fat guys are totally hot.
Sortof fat guys have gut protrusion and love handles. They do not call them love handles for nothing.
They are not so fat that you see them as comical, but they are not so thin that you see them as little faggers.
Perfection.

I talked to Corrine and Dballs forever about I don't know what.
The important things are as follows:

1. Corrine invented a word that is perfect to say in the Katherine Hepburn old lady shake voice. It is a combination of owl and pineapple.
Say it out loud now:
Pineowple.
Very good Corrine, very good.


on another note, Corrine is gay.

2. I gave Dballs a new name which I don't know if I like yet. Dballs is not funny anymore so it has to be changed to TBones. But Tbones sounds like TBoz and there is absolutely nothing funny about that.

3. We discussed my excellent tarot card reader, Miss Flo Higgins, and I think there will have to be a trip to Jersey so we can all go talk to her and watch her run her uncomfortably long fingernails through her silvery hair.
Yessss.

All of the girls at Kaitlins were wearing pretty dresses and I have to say the 5 whole boys that were there were very lucky. I lied maybe there were 10 boys at one point.
Speaking of boys, I think I realized I was drinking too much when I told Farmer that we have the exact same boots but neither of us were wearing them, and I didn't wear MINE because I hated the idea of matching him.
Why. Do. I. Talk. At. All.
I have been saying it a lot lately, sometimes you just find yourself acting SO WEIRD around people and then you walk away and you're like, what in holy hell was I just saying?
Another case.
I spent the whole night addressing Kaitlins sister as "Small Kaitlin"
That is weird and not ok.
It is very stupid and probably annoying for her.

I would like to say the most important thing on my mind right now it not burritos. Or small kaitlins. or pineowples.
But that I really miss someone right now and it makes me feel like talking about fun things is a little bitty white lie.
Someone put a pacie in my mouth and rock me to sleepies.