I would say that means you "enjoyed" it.

Too many things none are interesting.

Today was my first afternoon session with a new character in my life.
His name is Claude.
He is a doctor who reminds me of an actor.
I want to say hes like Willie Garson from Sex and the City.

But he's got something is in there as well to balance out the extreme gayness.
Plus, Claude has a wife.
Not that having a wife un-gays you, but whatever.
Not the point.
Claude is my new cognitive behavioral therapist, and he uses the word fuck randomly in discussion.
That is something I enjoy.
I hope he wasn't doing it because he wants to come off as 'relatable' to a young saucy bitch such as meself.
Anyway, I feel really good about seeing Claude every Monday afternoon, I think I will slowly but surely become less of an emotional extremist and more capable of non destructive behavior.
Talking about therapy on a blog may be TMI but NBD.
FU.

I have taken a lot of bad pictures in the last few weeks and have not cared to share them.
Because they are bad.

Speaking of bad.
I'm at my desk facing the window out to the courtyard where the scary stray cats rule.
Cinnamon just gently climbed in my lap and hissed quietly an her breath went directly up my nostril and it was disgusting.
She likes to hiss AT THE YARD whether or not she can see any other cats.
Thats because cats are stupid.
I mean, they are smart, but not smart like us.
At least they are not stupid like dogs.
Now everyone with a stupid dog is going to get pissed off but lets just face the facts, dogs are really dumb.
The end.

I was talking about bad pictures.
Here go.


Couple weeks ago we took a trip out to Rockaway.


Thanks for driving and making us lay in the back so cops wouldn't pull you over.



I have to dig a hole when I go to the beach.
Just the way it is.
I like the feeling.
I silently throw my self loathing inside.
Wahh.


We played frisbee.
Did some frisbahhh tricks.
Under the leg.
Behind the back.
Matthew McConaughey taught us.
Hes good at that shit.



Please find here an Ultimate Frisbee Slang dictionary.


Denise did this as usual.
Then she legally changed her name to Whatever, Man.

More beautiful than the beach are the sheets that hang from the 'shops' on Pike street come summer.
The chinamen use them to shade their little heads from the blazing sun.
Also to smoke behind and peek out from.
Mmmmkay.

I would ask to buy this one, but its been hanging there for 3 years.
Swine fru.

Then at some point it was Levin's birthday.
Him and Stephanie did things like this:

Being their third wheel is not that bad at all.
I'm not being sarcastic by the way.


Getting drunk on your birthday means wearing sunglasses inside of bars apparently.

Later that night I saw Alice and she did things like this.



I just tried to google what the racist term for Australian is, but the only one even moderately funny is Dingo Fucker.
Sorry to say Alice, but you are now Dingo Fucker in my mind maybe forever.
Yay!


Jen told me what she will miss the most when she leaves New York are the 10 dollar cigarettes.
Psht.
Fine, go to a tropical island and spend 3 dollars a pack instead.
Terrific.
Won't miss you.
Kthxbai.
(please also note the gear of the guy behind her. then tell me who exactly he thinks he is supposed to be)
Speaking of the kid, Thursday night Don Voyage:



Then this existed.

A week later this shirt happened:

Before.

After.

He cooked us chicken sausage and scrimp on the barbie for Memorial Day.
Then I dribbled a Spongebob Squarepants bouncy ball from 6th avenue over to ave A.
I suggest everyone take this as a challenge.
You will enjoy.


I bet whoever wrote this is a dickhole.

Then it was Kikis birthday the other day.
Cheap Shots plays a lot of Van Halen but at least she got to drink for free.



rarr rarr rarr


wait I need eyeliner.


Corrine Weiner came eventhough everyone hates her.


Audrey Hep or saaanthing.

They got me to Williamsburg for a party in a basement.
Really?

Mhm.


Molly and Raf did this for awhile.
Its called Pieeertah or something.
Art History.
I slept a lot.
Someone can google it and then correct me.


Latinos.
They do it better maybe.


People in Williamburg are so knee deep in their own shit, I mean ART, that they can hardly breathe.
Its amazing.

Now that I've insulted, generalized, and judged my work for today is done.
I have to watch the Bachelorette and eat noodles.
Sexy.

Don't even bother

Sew, the house i grew up in burned down recently.
Thats weird to me.
Goodbye childhood hello adulties.
Using the word adulties voids what I just said.

It was warmer today.
Who cares.

I went to Bergdorf with my mom the other day and stared at Zac Posen party dresses.
That was depressing and also awesome.
PS who doesn't love his knits?

Seeing this one on a hanger gave me a fashion boner.
Also, someone old and rich please buy me a Herve bandage dress in emerald or navy and I will wear it whenever you want me to and I will pretend to love you when we kiss passionately in public.
Some might call that prostitution, I call it street smartz.
Samantha just informed me that she feels they are played out, and I fully agree.
Doesn't defeat my desire for one.


Speaking of the streets, don't worry, I saw this guy last night.

The creepiest trend of the 90s is still alive and well.
Excuse me adult Mexican, but I think you could fit all of your children in your pants.
Racism!

Same deli I saw Mexican Raver in boasts this sign:

I don't think thats very nice.

I played cards in New Jersey the other night.
It looked like this.

Hi Randi.
Nice seeing you once every 5 years.
Somehow someone created a whole deck of cards showcasing Irish football heroes.
How that works, I don't know.
Side note, playing football does not make you a hero, nor does being Irish.
My brother is the only person in the world who would own something such as said deck of cards.
I bet my dad gave it to him in his Christmas stocking.

Best quote of the week via a text convo I had with M***y...

"seriouslah, just mouth rape his ass"

I think I can end blogging on that note.

All people think about is making out.
Spring has sprung a lil early, my hot panty friends.

the flower not the high school massacre

Then this happened:

AIM IM with turksey.
4:37 PM
Krissy: whats thenews
Jeylan: JUST AWESOME NEWS
AWESOME NEWS
it's the new call me
Krissy:oh great
my new thing is Oh hai.
surprised.
even when you arent surprised.
and also.
'last time i checked'
but not ever checking


Hi JJ I'm glad we're friends.
Also I think Conrad made up that whole awesome news thing.
So whatever.

Last night I went to that gallery on Broome to see Piece Process.
It was pretty intriguing.
There was the option of wheat beer or rye beer.
Samantha thinks the rye tasted like organic shampoo.
Right on.
Too bad I'm allergic to wheat because that beer was pretty yummies.

That is what Olivia looks like drinking it, in case you were wondering.
I think that picture might annoy Olivia but thats too bad because I think she looks like some hot bitch who once lived in France with an older successful man who speaks seven languages, has always had gray hair, and is only attracted to women with green eyes and toned calves.

If you want to imagine what some of the (worse) pieces on display looked like, reference this photograph:

This is some conceptual art installation I made with a 2 year old at work.
Take that as you will.
Katie and I walked really slowly around the gallery about 4 inches from the wall talking shit about 50 percent of the work. The other 50 percent we wanted to buy.
Then Katie looked like she was going to sleep.



This piece of dumb was on the wall with the Warhol and Basquiat and other famous shitty shit. I like it but don't want to admit it because that would be cliche of me.


Sammy saw this and said
That is the size of my future husband.
Please try to imagine that.
Look at his tiny useless legs.

We really didn't stay long.
We left to go 169 Bar which I hadnt been to in ages. Ages meaning literally years.
This is how far ahead Jiwon and Denise walked.

I think they were playing a game called 'how fast can we get there and how secretly'
Also looking at this I notice the absolute staggering amount of rubbish.
There is truly shit everywhere downtown.
It looks like we live in the Hoovervilles.
For those of you who slept through high school, those are the shantytowns built by travelers during the Depression.
Get a brain.

So 169 Bar has improved vastly.
Its bizarrely charming.
Is bizarrely a word I don't know.

We all sat in the back by a blue lamp with a homemade shade.
Then I had to experiment taking the shade off to see if girls look beautiful in blue.
Fact: They do.







Shade on works too.


Olivia gets my phone in her hands and suddenly taking good pictures is a piece of fucking cake.
Mmm cake.

I'm becoming that annoying person who sticks their iphone in everyones face trying to figure out how to make the pictures not look like shit.
It's hard and people don't like how invasive it is.
Too bad fools!
Actually the only person who truly hates when I do it is Denise.
Last night I think she came really close to punching me in the mouth.

This whole situation happened.





Sure.
Zack Teddy Quim and some other guy in a band.
Zack singing like a little angel.
Quim being a swaying keyboard player.
It was literally fascinating.
It was gripping.
I was expecting Teddy to go on stage and rap about dragging girls in the woods to kill them.
Instead, the universe imploded and they played a bunch of love songs.
So good.


I also talked Marty's ear off about how geigh it is to be single when all you want to do is sit home with someone you love and eat candy. And maybe watch Family Guy. And talk. And wear pajamas.
Gross.
Gross but everybody wants it.
Truthies.


Z was there surprisingly enough.
I kissed her maybe 400 times because she says she is moving to Tuscany.
What the fuck is that.
Anyway apparently she existed in a space and time where 169 Bar became a rave powered by the fuel of flannel wearing rainbow spirits.
Happens all the time.


Speaking of spirits, Crystal and JJ like to pretend they are sisters in some alternate life but when you see a picture of them side my side they have absolutely zero resemblance to eachother.
But they are both funny and cute and spunky as a couple of sexy kittens.
So I guess that settles that.


I like how this guy claimed to be Zacks manager and asked us if knew the real on how he was going to Blow Up.
Thats when Irealized I'm immature because my very defensive retort was:
YEAH WELL DID YOU KNOW HIM WHEN HE WAS LIKE 10 YEARS OLD? CAUSE I DID. SO. YEAH.

Love that kid.
Really.

Then we went to Sweet P and I was getting sleepy so I went home.
Rephrase:
Then we went to Sweet P and I stayed for one drink then slunk (slinked?) off without saying my adieus to anyone.

Classic jerk status.

If you cared about none of that, let me try to be fair and leave you with some hilarity.
Please check the white lady's grill.



Good night my lil waynes.

Creatures of the Night. Masters of the house.

So the other day I was at the school doing the nanny pick up thing and my favorite Jamaican Rosie was accidentally funny as per usual.
She never tries to be funny and when you laugh she looks at you like you're retarded.
So this lady walks up to her and is like, "Whoo girl. It is HOT. It is HOT today"
So Rosies all caj like "Tink about hell"
Touche Rosie, touche.


So yeah its hot. Big whoop.
Saying big whoop is so fucky fuckface but I like the way it sounds in my mind, like the way I totally wanted to sound when I was 8.
Like, "Oh yeah Jennifer. Great. You have two American Girl dolls. Big whoop I don't even really care anyways."
I had one. The one named Molly. The nerdy one with the glasses. I thought it was cool that she was the doll from the World War II time period.

So the week was super long and geigh and not really that good because I basically banned myself from using deoderant, is that weird?
I kinda like it. The freedom. But I'll be honest, I don't reach up in the subway anymore out of fear someone will be like duderbou. you stink. Obvs I'm in a subway car with someone I know because duderbou isn't like, the new thing. OR IS IT.

OK so last night I don't really know what happened to me but somehow I passed out all early but only after a bunch of mistakes.
First mistake was deciding to leave my apartment.
So Liv and I went around the corner from her place to Proces store for the Mirf toy thing.
Saw some peeps, it felt like, I dunno, the exact same thing I was doing four years ago.

Stole a couple pictures from Jasons flickr. Coat of Arms looks good. I don't get the "toy" thing but more power fellas.


Look, humans. Lots of them looking at things and eating red caviar and wearing boldly colored tshirts.


Me and some girl had the same hat on.
Sometimes things like that make me want to die. Because I'm dramatic that way.
I love seeing Mrs. Proce because shes so sweet. We are even standing the same way. Presh to death.






Where you been Tina?


Mr Kiki you sly fucking fox.
I wanna be Mr Kiki too.
I think I'm just the right candidate.


I had a flask in my purse duh and made tons of trouble for myself that way.
I don't know, some black dude with a mohawk kept molestering me and I think he was like can I get your number. And totally kidding I was like, "catch me on facebook wooowooooooo last name Conley. C-O-N-L-E-Y"
This motherfucker repeated the spelling back to me and was like ok talk to you then.
Um.
What?
He didn't catch the jokey part, but maybe its because my jokes are a pile of shit.

So then me Liv Jiwon Denise some other people JennyPack and I dunno who else went to get food.


Hey ladies.

Jiwon had a BLDeath aka a bacon lettuce and tomato.
I gchatted her today to tell her she fucked up.
Then she relayed to me that I had spaghetti fries.
That means I put alot of ketchup on.
Good joke Jiwon. Very good.


Jiwons face in the abyss.

Needless to say I made myself ill and didn't even finish my drink which is basically unheard of.

I took a cab home only to find Sam Mercy and Katie, probably stoned.
Sam reported to me that I came in shouting about alcoholism, Gatorade, having to work in the morning, and being awesome. Then told them to fuck off for NOT having to work in the morning.
Great job!
Apparently before I came in, they had convinced Katie to fit her entire body into a tiny round Mexican hamper.
How I miss this shit, I don't know.
I think Mercy and Sam bring out the weird catlady librarian in us all.
Per example, two nights ago the three of us played cats cradle with twine for about an hour then walked from room to room listening to Atlas Sound, trying to figure out where it sounds like white noise.
Needless to say, we had to wikipedia cats cradle because smoking them funky cigarettes make simple tasks seem like boundless deserts of confusion.

Ugh this ones so hard, its the pinkie one, cross over and use your pincher fingers come on this is serious right now



In closing, tonight I found a live cockroach in the kitchen trash can.
I screamed and asked Ames to get rid of it. I think he is drunk because after about 5 minutes of deep thought he was like YOOOO LETS GO BURN THIS SHIT. PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.
Really Ames?
Or you could just tie up the garbage bag and put that shit at the curb.


But its true, the people here do burn shit directly outside of their buildings.
For no reason.
Like these three old Chinese hags.

Perfect.

Speaking of old Chinese ladies.
Why do some of them look like wrinkled baby prostitutes?
I swear to god, the lucite heels with the weird zipper pants and the tee that says SWEETHEART in bedazzled glory.
I have nothing but love.
A little hate, but only when they leave there fucking garbage and ball tea on my stoop.