Tuesday, September 30, 2008

NSFW if you actually have a job. Which you don't.

Wow really interesting stuff happening.

Tuesdays are fucking wiiiild!
(opposite meaning should be applied)

Right now in case you all need to know, I'm drinking a stella and eating one of those giant dutch cocoa cookies WHICH I got on sale. A dollar for a pack of eight!
Big things!
Whilst perusing my local grocery, I found a gnarly fucking plastic rat guarding the Ragu.


After two and a half days of working, tending to semi-sick babies, keeping up appearances, staying late, the whateverthefuck, I am always ready for a drink Tuesday afternoons.
i would never have the audacity to actually complain about my job because I'm not stupid.
I know working less than 30 hours a week and getting the rent paid is a lucky break no matter how you cut it.
Also, the food alone is totes worth is.
This customer?
Supes sats!
(abbreviation credit goes to Stephanie on that one)

Anyway, the weather is changing and I have nothing to wear except a couple flannels that I keep hanging in the closet for all seasons.
My ballstomping Frye boots are back in full effect, but they make me look like an angry lesbian I'm beginning to realize.

If I was a lesbian I would not be angry I don't think, I would just be annoyed because women are a handful.
They are so sensitive.
Everything is a big deal.
Your tone of voice may cause a six week break up at the very least.
God forbid you ditch her for your mans and them.
Oh, you are in deep deep dark shit my friend.

Very few notable things have happened in the past few days.
My apartment still looks like someone just moved out 2 days ago.
Waste of space Krissy cmon now.

I deposited some money in the now defunct Wachovia Bank.
I only deposited because I owe Cingular aka AT&T a couple hundy.
They absolutely RAPED me when I got the iphone.
Hi, thanks, thats great, cause the phone itself didn't cost quite enough, and the plan...yeah very affordable.
Look who fell for it.
PS my mom bought me my iphone so you can disregard all ranting about how expensive it is.
It didn;t come from my pocket but jesus christ thats not the point.
Horrifying side note: As we speak, the phone is frozen. Has been for about 10 minutes. No, no thats fine, I'm pleased.
I'll just use it as a card table.
Or I can put it under the side of my couch that droops a little.
Honestly, I really like the phone.
Thanks Mom.
But sometimes I feel like I have imprisoned myself willingly to the new frontier of NEVER SPEAKING TO ANYONE FACE TO FACE AGAIN.
Oh awesome you can just text me.
Excuse me total stranger don't look at me/try to converse can't you see I'm busy listening to Pandora/playing Bricks/notating things on my iCal/updating my facebook status/watching vintage internet porn??
Yes I do all of those things while walking around.
Including the porn part.
But only this video really...

Diesel SFW XXX - Watch more free videos

PS if you are my mom, or someone elses mom, or amazingly uptight, or someone I once worked for. I would rather you ignore that I posted this.
I'm a great nanny. And a loving daughter. Etc.
But I also like to watch sex acts on video.
Big deal get over it.

Here are some rust/decomposed ghosts at the Broadway/Lafayette stop on the F.
Downtown side.
I think they are pretty amazing.

Its like when those people see the Virgin Mary on toast.
You have to be there to feel the ill spirit vibes.
Go fuck yourself.

Back to meeeeee.
LA Annabelle (who i like to imagine as a super classy chola)

has suggested that the next Fuck that Guy be Justin Timberlake.
I think that is a good call.
There are a couple other options, but Porto and I have fallen off the last couple weeks.
Must be all the hard core partying mixed with successful ladder climbing we're into.
If you google us, you'll just get an image of a spinning supernova.
Ripping through space and time.
We have really got it like that.
Ask anyone.

Anyway the point is, fuck that guy resurfaces Thursday at the latest.
I'm so sure you're peeing your satin panties waiting.
That means you, secretly cross dressing men reading my blog.

Speaking of cross dressing men,
I dare someone to make sense of Posh's boots.

The monstrosity that is Posh is certainly not helped by whateverthefuck she melted her feet into.
I'm sorry, but your chances of not being an alien are now nil.
You're officially both retarded and totally unexplainable as a creature.
PS I sort of love you.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Young Black Men v. Old White Men

Oh, its a battle we've seen since the dawning of our glorious country!
Only difference now is, the revolution will be televiiiiiiiiised.

In order for us to think, we must drink.
And also smoke cigarettes while glaring smartly at the screen.
By the way, the Presidente six pack???
Totally subconscious purchase on my part.
The human brain is such a clever little thing!

Its important to document the first debate/which beer I chose to accompany such historical viewing.
Also, my hair looks GREAT.
So yeah, on those days, I take iphoto shots of myself.
I am unafraid of my tendencies toward a shallow nature.
We all have it, its awareness and humility that make it ok.

Do you hear that Pepaw McCain?
Awareness and Humility.
Take notes my man.
Because I'm sure you're reading this right now.
You may have passed over Letterman, but I'm big time we all know that.

I actually don't hate McCain at all.
I hate very few people.
And he's a super experienced guy.
I guess he would have to be considering hes been alive for 400 years.
I have to say, I'm peeing my panties with excitement to see Sarah "I'll get right backtaya" Palin try to speak anything other than nonsense for an hour and a half on live television.
It's going to be glorious.

I also want to mention that Fates rule the universe not people.
So bugging out about who the next figurehead/puppet for the American government will be is not at the top of my list of personal concerns.
It that naive?
Maybe it is.
Oh maybe its something to think about, yeah?

On a lighter note, how cute is my niece???
Ugh, wanna bite her face.
Bite it!

As for tonight, I am completely exhausted from sitting around with Sam, molesting my own hair (it feels so good after being wet braided and slept on for 12 hours, its like silken strands of sexual butterscotch)

It is very important to sit around eating Airheads drinking giant cans of Arizona and watching internet episodes of Arrested Development.

Bceause in the end this is what your face looks like and its the opposite of bummer face:

After that, your only option is to watch Fletch.

AKA Dr Rosenpenis

AKA Mr Spoon

How many times do I have to mention that Chevy was the hottest piece of ass EVER 25 years ago?

PS If you don't think The Chev is amazing in Fletch don't bother ever reading my blog again because we are just not on the same page.
In fact we are not in the same book.
Our libraries are in totally separate counties and your card will not work at my check out desk.

Goodnight internet.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Rest in Peace. And come back again.

A beautiful charitable talented admirable man died.
It blew my mind a little bit.
If you only know him as the old guy on the popcorn box in the organic aisle at the grocery, please do yourself a favor and read about his extraordinary life.
Paul Newman, you were always, and will always be, the man I wish all men could be.
Plainly put, goodbye Mr Newman, ultimate fox.

(Reuters) - Legendary film star Paul Newman, whose brilliant blue eyes, good looks, cool style and talent made him one of Hollywood's top actors over six decades has died at age 83 after a long battle with cancer.

Newman died on Friday night at his farmhouse near Westport, Connecticut, surrounded by his wife of 50 years, actress Joanne Woodward, and other family and friends.

"His death was as private and discreet as the way he had lived his life, a humble artist who never thought of himself as 'big,'" said a statement released by his family on Saturday.

Paul Leonard Newman, known as "PL" to his friends, appeared in more than 50 movies, including "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and "The Sting." He earned nine Oscar nominations for acting and won the best actor honor for 1986's "The Color of Money."

A director and race car driver as well as an actor, Newman was also known for his extensive philanthropy. He created Newman's Own food products, which funneled more than $250 million in profits to thousands of charities worldwide.

"He quietly succeeded beyond measure in impacting the lives of so many with his generosity," his five daughters said in a statement. "Always and to the end, Dad was incredibly grateful for his good fortune. In his own words: 'It's been a privilege to be here.'"

"There is a point where feelings go beyond words. I have lost a real friend. My life - and this country - is better for his being in it," said actor Robert Redford, Newman's friend and co-star in "Butch Cassidy" and "The Sting."

Former President Bill Clinton and U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton said in a statement that they will miss their "dear friend." California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called Newman the "ultimate cool guy" who was "one of a kind."


Born in a Cleveland suburb on January 26, 1925, Newman was a Navy radio man in the Pacific during World War Two. He went to Kenyon College in Ohio on a football scholarship, but took up acting after he was cut from the team over a barroom brawl.

He helped run the family sporting goods store, then headed to the Yale Drama School and ended up in New York, winning a Broadway role in "Picnic" in 1953. His first major movie role was as boxer Rocky Graziano in "Somebody Up There Likes Me."

In 1958, Newman starred in "The Long Hot Summer" with Woodward, whom he married that year shortly after divorcing his first wife, Jacqueline Witte.

He played an alcoholic loser in "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof," opposite Elizabeth Taylor, and pool shark Fast Eddie Felson in "The Hustler." Other hits were "Hud" and "Cool Hand Luke."

Newman was also recognized for work behind the camera, earning a best picture Oscar nomination and a Golden Globe award for best director for "Rachel, Rachel," starring Woodward, which he produced and directed.

Although his movie career slowed in later years, Newman picked up Oscar nominations in 1994 for "Nobody's Fool" and in 2002 for "Road to Perdition."

He returned to the stage the same year in "Our Town" at a Connecticut playhouse. The show moved to Broadway and Newman was nominated for a Tony award. He won an Emmy, U.S. television's highest honor, for its 2003 broadcast.

In 2005 he won another Emmy for best supporting actor in the mini-series "Empire Falls." His last film part was a voice-over role in the 2006 animated "Cars."


Newman resisted the glare of Hollywood's spotlight.

His long marriage to Woodward ran counter to Hollywood's tradition of fast weddings and quick divorces, and the pair lived in a 200-year-old Connecticut house, far from the heart of the entertainment industry.

Asked the secret of his marriage, Newman once said there was no reason to roam, asking: "I have steak at home. Why should I go out for a hamburger?"

He started auto racing because he said he was bored with acting, but won respect in that field, coming in second in the Le Mans 24-hour competition in 1975. In 1995 at age 70, he became the oldest driver on a winning team at the 24 hours of Daytona race.

Newman tried to advance many social causes, at times in the political arena. A supporter of liberal Democratic presidential nominee Eugene McCarthy in 1968, Newman ended up on President Richard Nixon's "enemies list," which he termed "the highest single honor I've ever received."

Still, Newman said his deepest satisfaction came from philanthropy.

Particularly close to his heart were his Hole-in-the-Wall Camps for seriously ill children. Today, there are eleven around the world that have helped over 135,000 kids, all free of charge.

Newman is survived by Woodward, five daughters, two grandsons, and his older brother, Arthur. Newman also had a son Scott, who died in 1978.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

the opposite of lets say the holocaust

I would like to make a disclaimer, which is a habit of mine but deal with it.

*The things I am about to say are super extraordinary mega hugely voraciously emo.
It is ok to use the dreaded E word in this situation because there really is no other word for it.

I need you to watch this video.
My friend Natasha blogged it first.
Fuck you Natasha!

Heres my point.
I am the most disgusting pile of brie cheese out on the table all afternoon.
So so very soft.

If you don't watch this video you will have to walk around in your fucky ass sourpuss mood knowing full well I GAVE you a remedy.

Whatever this shit made me cry.
It really did.
It makes me want to tell God he did a great job enabling this thing love.
I just have to stop talking.

Christ almighty people are so cute.
I want to use some kind of alchemy to chemically transform this video into liquid gold and pour it in my mouth.

We could always just run away. seriously.

I'm considering watching Americas Next Top Model (with a penis tuck) on youtube
and waiting for Sam to get here.
Waiting for Sam is like waiting for Jesus.
But I haven't accepted Christ as my savior meaning hes never coming, and Sam doesn't NEVER come, she just comes late.
So shes actually not like Jesus at all other than the fact that she's super nice!
She also likes wine and she wears the same sort of sandals.

It was birthday week.
Wavey Waverson one day and Liv the next.
Happy birthday to them, they are really special.
Both of them were smart enough to just have a dinner instead of a "rager."
When i typed rager it came out fager, I should have left it that way.
Fager is totes ack. Accurate.

Blogging is hard when you're watching a movie but I'm only half watching it because it has a voiceover.
That way I don't even need to watch the screen.
Sensory overload.

Its actually really good.
So I should watch fully.
What a hot bitch poster!

Speaking of hot bitch.
I like how Liv wears shirts where you can see her bra.
I like how shes one of my best friends!
Sometimes I even love to hug her and I'm not hugmania.
I'm more wrestlemania.
Well known fact.

Livs mom looks about 30 years old.
And Lindsay always looks like she is modeling when shes obviously not.

Speaking of modeling I have had a number of people suggest I take it up.
Full time basis type thing.

She hate salam.

Commonly discussed amongst my social circle:
Denise's ultimate cuteness.

Stephanie looks like shes being a good listener.
I think shes waiting to talk.
And whatever it is she's about to say is probably some form of advice.
What an amusing character she is!
We like to put our faces close together.
Also there is Isabelle who just had a baby 6 months ago.
Why is that a big deal?
I don't know.
I'm just amazed by women in New York having kids before the age of 40.
Isabelle does not laugh and my jokes but she does tell me I should try out for Saturday Night Live.
Reasonable first step into the biz.
I wanna say LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT wearing a lion costume. Like a fuzzy lion jumpsuit with a mane thats a mix of my own hair and yellow and brown yarn.
I like how Jiji is hiding far far away on the couch.
Shes such a human secret.
I want to put her into a bjorn and carry her around and she can whisper gossip in my ear.
Actually she can just talk at normal volume.

This is as close as I got to documenting the craze backyard chat session after Livs dinner.
Wine plus wine plus circle of chairs plus too many people who like to tell stories.
Poor Jay and Himes two boys sitting there like how long could you all possibly discuss thigh thickness/birth control pills/what hats we have been wearing for 5 winters/how we met/the time we took that girl trip to that place.
Whatever they have to secretly love it.

Side Statement:
Hiyme there you are my old friend in the dark smoking your stinky cigarettes being wonderful. Its very living art if you ask me.
And me saying that is uncharacteristic/gay.
Mental hug for you.
PS great job on the sweet potato fries.
Its the little things.

I liked this gathering because it felt at some points like a little heart tickle.
I actually like being tickled but only under the Correct Circumstance.
Imagine if your heart got tickled?
It would be like the opposite of the heebie jeebies.

Sort of like that.
Real picture.
NASA forever.

New topic:

Cocoa is such a red light creature.
Shes sort of a tramp.
She is in love with the gross alley cat who creeps up into the yard.

Something else.

Why does this poster blow my mind?
Can you really learn to live a peaceful and just life from a 10 week course advertised on the train?

Can young hood Hispanic dudes stop wearing ultra gay embellished fitted denim?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

No Dumpling

It's hard to blog when I don't feel like telling my business. Have I ever said that before in my life?
Maybe a total of twice.
Thrice at most.

I am in a happy little cave.
That is the sum of all I want to say about that.

refer to slightly non related photo because thats the zone I'm in.

These are the only people I have seen in about a week and a half.

what a hot mouse.

I got really excited to see this faggette.

I asked to see your flower Dballs.

Oh staaap it

Have you ever gone to a bar and seen people that look tortured to be there?
Ok because this ladyman and her friend were having the worst time imaginable.
UGH foooood and driiiiinks and caaaaandles and daisies???
I'm also on the other side of the fence right now, I'm the person who looks all merry asshole.
I'm not sure if its becoming on me or just annoying.

Speaking of annoying.
This is the opposite of annoying.


Stephanie wants to meet the tiny man.
I think shes attracted to him.
I think he's way hotter than that lady with the worlds longest legs.
She is a beaster.
I'm willing to bet she speaks pidgin english and slips roofies to young rugby players.

How Boo Radley of you.

It appears as though Stephanie is showing Dan how to give sex favors to an invisible man.

Sensational retard alert

its a spirit kiss baby

This is what I want from Amazon.
How have I not read it yet?

Its harder to be funny when you're happy did you know that?

you can all blame mister "Don't Blog Me" Wavy Waverson for my lack of posts and or interesting stories.
I am literally blogging the fact that someone doesn't want to be blogged.
This just isn't going to work.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

We Can Talk All We Want To

But the world still goes around and round.

Get together with a friend and get truly down with sharing that old school garbage

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Touchy Toucherson

The last few days have been pleasantly hilarious.
Just got back from a Godlike bike ride down south street...the lights on the tour boats and the fucking maaaaajesty of the waterfalls are kind of exactly what I wanted to see after a couple days of debauchery.
Goodbye fashion week, I didn't go to any shows because there is almost nothing I care less about than some avant garde artsy fartsy shit regarding what I should be wearing in 6 months.
I'm pretty sure I'll still be wearing some Little House on the Prairie type shit because I'm suburban raised like that. I am definitely not cutting edge, but I don't want to be on the edge because I have absolutely no balance. I refuse to be a trend casualty. I will stick with a winter of hot boots white tees and booty accentuating jeans thank you very much.
Wait til y'all see my custom Victorian lace-up reproductions.
Walk with pride ladies, your boots are everything come October.

Anyway, few days back I decided that birthday depression had to go, so I got dressed and made plans with Sterp.
I am definitely a huge nerd though because first of all I got a nosebleed while I was trying to get ready, and then I IMed JiJi and Bianca for outfit approval.
Everyone gets insecure sometimes do not front.
I did one of these....hey can I wear motorcycle boots with this dress???

Yes you can, Krissy. Yes you can.
Bianca also told me that the expression on my face makes her think I'm going to eat her.

So I did the dreaded traveling over to the west side thing to go to Milk Gallery which was totally worth it despite the line down the block to get in.
Free booze plus hilarious D list celebs!?
Um hi, right up my alley.
The best part was seeing Andrew Keegan wearing a baby blue bandana Rambo-style.
Ten Things I Hate About You?
Number 1: the fact that you are a total dickbag!
Jut kidding I'm sure hes a great guy.


There were tons of male models who look like the most boring people to walk the earth, but thankfully the vibes were supes pleasant.
We decided to kick rocks after two drinks and go to MissBehave thing, which was also a good time.
Dancing is not dead yet, thank the lord.
Saw many friendly faces, the city was in a good place that night, nobody was putting out the doody vibes. Except for the extreme agro doorguys, they were really not happy.
They may have left their anal beads in too long the night before because they were shouting at everyone about lines and 5 minute waits and are we all a bunch of babies...
Um no, but did you forget you're a DOORGUY for a living?
Chill out, everyone hates lines.
This shit is not LA.
I have said before and will say again, I would rather not be somewhere at all if I have to stand around for a half hour feeling like an 8th grader in the high school parking lot.

Stephanie was wiling which is good because she had a rough week, everyone needs the joy of too many drinks once in awhile.
Apparently we all became rich recently because we were taking cabs like nobodys business.

First cab of the night and shes still a lady.

2-3 hours later; goblined out.

Over to Lit, which is never ever a good idea unless you feel like ODing or getting into a fight or peeing in the street.
Thats ok, it wasn't too gross, just mildly gross.

Also, not to blow up anyones spot, but boys in New York have what I think I will name Fall Fever right now.
They are like, on the prowl for girls to say nice things to and buy drinks for.
What universe is this?
I don't know.

Speaking of blowing up spots, I got a specific request "don't blog me" from a friend I was out with. So my apology will have to go out to him, but I would also like to say please get over it its a blog not a fucking tell all memoir here. Lynn Spears is the one for that.

The one beautiful almost pure thing I have ever seen there.

My job was to obnoxiously pop this balloon only moments after it was tagged.

Dungeon dragons

Sometimes it makes me sad that I don't take enough photos of my life but then I think what do I need that for anyway?
To share it with you?
Because A) I don't think you care all that much about who I saw where and how greeeeeeeeat of friends we are. look heres the proof! We took a picture together in a bar!
and B) because although I am a huge advocate of telling life stories (it is my most favoritest hobby) I don't think that they ever come out the same when I try to incorporate too many visual aspects.
You know?
Also iphones have no flash.
My iphone could basically fly me to outer space but it can't light up something 2 feet away from me.
Ugh maybe I should do fuck that guy Steve Jobs.
What a jerk.

So just as a documentation that I can look back on, I am on a happiness scale, about as happy as I have been in months.
Isn't it lovely how that works?
Its like a light switch, only its your whole life.
Flick. Happy.
Flick. Not so much.
Is that some freshman in college pysch 101 after class stoner session observation?
I think it might be.
But I'll be that.