Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Fuck That "Guy"

Yeah, guy is in quotes.
Because I don't this man would ever label himself as just a guy.
Why is that you ask?
Because there is no one in the universe who takes himself more seriously than this guy.
For me, this one is gonna be like the first time you took that pink medicine that tastes like bubble gum.
Totes eas-pease.
This is the man I hate, truly hate, that everyone else in the universe adores.
I mean it when I say it...
Fuck you Bob Dylan.

Nice try asshole.

Hey you know what?
I think I heard you retort...what was that?
I'm sorry what???
I have no idea what you're saying Robert.
Oh its because it sounds like you've got a dozen marbles and a giant dick in your mouth.
Yeah, its called annunciation.
I don't feel like deciphering your stoner code every time I wanna hear a song.

Right on.

By the way, speaking of your songs, I hate them.
(with the one singular exception of The Hurricane. That song, I will be honest, makes my eyes peepee)
Your writing skills are most certainly sub-par, I think any literature lover and or music lyric appreciator can admit that.
Hi, I was thinking of writing a Dylan-esque song.
I have an idea!
How about I just use my elementary education to garble out some shit about the man on the corner and the girl who loves such and such and how we all need to pay attention to the whats it called cause we are the people who can make a change in the whoosiemajigger.
Yeah I think I'm done.
Check please.

Also, I'm really sorry to bring it up because I can see its been hard for you, but your era is done dude.
You're basically old and stank and I'm not interested.
I think my parents were though, so yeah, give them a call.
I'm sure you have plenty of time between your commercials for Victoria's Secret and Cadillac Escalade.
You my friend.
Are the saddest.
Sell out.
Of your ENTIRE generation.
Thats like if Jim Morrison was still alive and he sang the hook for Target.
Yes, it would be amazing, and sure I love Target, but for real?
My vagina would collapse and I would probably have a seizure.
Those are unrelated ailments but I can project that both would probably happen.

Not only are you a sellout, but your stupid son started a stupid band that released a few songs that unrelentingly attacked top 40 radio for weeks.
They also made no sense.
No I think not.
Even your sperm is infected with crappy song writing.
6th Avenue Heartache? One Headlight?
Worst songs ever.
Puke soundtrack.

Back to the whole hero of the early 60s thing...
I am really glad I wasn't alive for that because you're boring and finger-pointy and I bet there were tons of squares at your lame hole-in-the-wall shows in the Village.
I wouldn't have gone there if you paid me.
Fucking smelly beatnik.
I bet people left your shows walking down the street smoking little joints discussing how they TOTALLY want to lighten their load at university so they can study the perils of the impoverished and open a small gallery for conceptual artists.
So thanks for feeding that retarded subculture Bob.
Now they are all in their later years, still smoking joints and bitching, only they are divorced bitter and they preach out in the suburbs instead of amongst the city folk.
Eat shit Bob.

Hey theres one other thing I just want to point out.
Remember when you said this?

"I think a poet is anybody who wouldn't call himself a poet."

Then that other time you were quoted saying this?

"I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I'll die like a poet"

Ah yes, how eloquent/non-contradictory of you.
If you're a genius and a visionary then I'm the fucking duke of earl.
I hate your face.

By the way as I'm writing this, I'm listening to Hollertronix.
If thats not a fuck you to Bob I don't know what is.
Fuck acoustic.
Fuck whining.
Fuck he fact that you suddenly look exactly like Vincent Price you creep.

Lighten up Grandpa Crotchety.
Or just die already.
'Preciate it!

*Post edit: If you would like to hear some folk from the Dylan era that actually has heart listen to Vashti Bunyan for Christsake


Kate said...

yes. dylan was just waiting to be the subject of a "fuck that 'guy.'"

the first FTG of september. where is the summer going?!

Krissy said...

i know shit!
where has it gone???
i know its over when my bday comes.
happy birthday krissy happy fuck you dylan

Kate said...

i would totally come to your bday party, but i will be in rhode island. i have a proper agent now though, so i'll be inviting you to a book party in like three years or something.

happy early bday. can't believe you are gonna be 25! that happened to me once, in like 1999.

p.s. dylan, UGH.