Thursday, October 30, 2008

dreams are made of

A) this song is one of my top ten favorite songs ever.
B) this video ho is not a ho and I love her glasses.
C) Literal video is a sort of perfect concept.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Hi we went to high school together?


This is how I follow up on my blog about proving to myself I'm not a raging loser.

I started drinking these around dinner time.
Dinner for me was bread.
I'm not anorexic I'm just impatient.

Zack wore a drug rug and told us about some videos of a Obama/McCain dance off on youtube.
It was really good.
But its also really telling about our generation that a group of friends sat in an office in front of a big computer screen watching things happen to other people.
Fake things.
Its possible that in 50 years humans will not even have a voice box.
They will just text everything and look at screens all day.
They will have lightening fast fingers.

Jeylan got mad at me for asking her if she got her fingerless gloves at Hot Topic.
I would like to venture a guess as to why they are fingerless.
She has to be ready to text someone at any second.

Conrad spent most of his time pretending that we were ON AIR (I feel like those words together always have to be in caps) and touching his phone.
I don't understand you reckless people, you "I don't need a cover for my iPhone" people.
I'm sorry, I've dropped mine maybe 3 times and I gasped. Audibly. With a terrible fear in my heart.
And I have a cover. Engulfing the gadget entirely.

Oh Pam

Its fine to be drunk at 10pm on a Wednesday.
It is not fine to apologize to your friend about the Hot Topic comment by lady molesting her in the back of the fish.
I look like a turtle.
The black guy behind us looks like Teddy Becks.
Jeylan looks like she accepts my apology.

Lets use this phone to check our heart rates.
Oh great idea.
And super necessary.

How nice yellow roses on the bar.

Smells good.

Great job ruining the magic.

Somewhere around this time I say something the bartender doesn't like and he informs me that he has the right to refuse to serve me.
OK thanks.
Just one less tip for you my friend.
Also, Hi Hater!

Thank god Stephanie and Olivia and Dan came back so I would have someone to complain to.
And someone to go buy me a drink!

Then I bought a painting outside for 45 dollars.
I don't regret it.

This is not how I remember things but it looks cute and fun

Lil shuteye

I ate lentil soup and vegetarian buffalo wings at 1am.
I'm a really healthy late night eater.
Just another great thing about me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

hey get a life hag

Very Important Information:

New Moon in Scorpio
Tuesday, October 28, 4:14 pm PDT, 7:14 pm EDT

Powerful feelings are stirred by the New Moon in passionate Scorpio. But these intense emotions can be buried so deeply that their cause may not be immediately obvious. You may have desires that you are unwilling to express or fears you don't want to face. Perhaps you want to cut someone out of your life, leave a job or radically change yourself. Satisfaction will come from admitting what you want most and recognizing the price you have to pay to get it.

No this is not my personal guidance, I only trust the tip-off from the hilariously cliche astrological guru, Rick Levine.

On another note, I am falling into the nerd hole.
Last night I spent I don't know, maybe an hour looking at comic strips online.
Do you want to see my favorites??
They are from something called F-, which I did not know about until TallyDead showed me.
Literal LOL sesh

I mean...Really.
Something might be happening to me I don't know what but any shell of aloof coolness is dissipating.
If I become a cat lady, blogging and laughing to myself reading newspaper comics, mastering sudoku and experimenting on stews with my crock pot (yes I really have one)
you can all just forget about me.
I will sort of understand.
The best part will be if I switch from Marlboros to Virginia Slims.
Actually if I'm being totally honest I should admit I'm also spending a good amount of time on the Lolcats site.
Its where I found this little piece of heaven.

Coincidence or not that I went to Kmart today and saw this?

If anyone ever catches me in a long nightie shirt starring Tweety Bird as a rock star, shoot me in the face.
Its the final straw really.

To counteract this blog, I am going to have to do something amazingly hip and chichi tonight.
What that even means I have no idea.
But it will be the things legends are made of.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Credit to B

Thank you Bianca for bringing to my attention yet another reason to hope Rachel Ray dies.
Someone please set her on fire.




This woman.

Just so you don't commit suicide thinking about how rich this woman has become by being the most annoying person ever. hands down. please enjoy yet another picture of my niece, this time wearing pajamas with wellies.

Youre welcome.

I write the blog before the title

I remember long long ago, yesterday morning, when it was not freezing cold.
I swear NY1 used the word Nor'easter to describe todays weather.
Somewhere between 6am and 9am I realized a couple of things.
One: I was still sort of drunk and moderately pukey and there was no Orangina left in *my mug.

*which by the way is the greatest mug in history, and when I say MY mug I am lying because its not mine but I wish it was.

Two: The rain was super intense and the thunder was scaring me.

Anyway I did something a bit out of the ordinary last night, I went to a photo show and actually found myself really interested in all of the work.

I realize its been said before, but America is crazy. Really.
This was a photo slide show with some great music accompanying it.
I guess it was about 45 minutes long and it was captivating the whole time!
I don't know a lot about photographers, but I went with Katie and she told me that these people in this show are quite revered.
I was blown away, especially by the work of Eugene Richards and Brenda Ann Kenneally
Beautiful and devastating.
Not much else to say, the work speaks for itself.

Enough of that highfalutin; I know nothing about nothing in terms of this stuff

I am having a really hard time thinking and then typing and making sure it comes out it a way that makes sense.
I think I actually just need to eat pizza. Its like a brain bandaid for me.

So after the projection thing there was a bluegrass band playing, the singer is a friend of Katies and she has a lovely voice.
They sang some really fantastic covers. I liked when they did Jolene.
I did not like it when they sang the Thong Song.

dumps like a truck?
how weird

Anyway, the night found a way to become typically Krissy when I gave my ATM card to run a tab and there was no money on it. I thought I had like 30 dollars, but that was totally a lie to myself.

Heres Katie getting a beer on the tab which can not be paid for.
Don't worry frowny bartender, we won't be coming back.

Four or six drinks later I get the card with a bill, she says it didn't go through. I say I'm going to get another card to pay, take my drink outside to finish it, and disappear.
Great job asshole.
Thanks god my "its complicated" person was home like 3 blocks away.
Because I definitely didn't have money for a cab.
Then I tried to watch True Blood and wore these glasses which made my entire skull hurt.
Pepaw prescription.

I would like to mention, I, unlike my complicated one, am not hip enough to wear things like this.
It just doesn't have the same effect.
I sort of just look like a sad jewish rabbit. I say jewish only because at that angle I remind myself of a very jewwy person I know. I think its the overwhelming forehead and nose.
I'm not being anti-semite everyone knows I fucking love jews.
I feel like this whole thing is going somewhere I'm not comfortable.
I really am not ready for pictures of me in Complicated's room wearing Complicated's glasses talking about loving jews.
I feel like its a window into a world of secrecy.
Get out of my secrets.
(people with blogs don't really have the right to bitch about secrets and windows and privacy and hush hush but some things just have limits)
(this is one of those things)

Maybe I should just move on.

Here is something about graffiti I love.
Hi, why would someone write that??
First of all, I read it and had all these Feelings!!
I was like
how dare!?
Don't you say that about Jack he was a good Catholic boy and he was probably giving Marilyn that snuggly lovebird stuff.
I bet he sent her tons of flowers.
I bet that had lots of role play sex with costumes.
Is that taking it too far?
But I could see them getting absolutely shit housed on some vsop and having fantastic little romps.
But then again.
Who knows?
Maybe he did have her killed.
Maybe she was one of those women who knows the dude is married and not available. But she still called the White House private line at 4am like Jackie baby I miss you. Then she would start crying and threaten to take every pill in the medicine cabinet if he didn't come over right away.
That could be enough to make anybody wanna kill a bitch.
Perilous waters of love.
Ships at sea, such a churning unpredictable sea.
Stephanie and I have a habit of comparing love to water and calling people ships. Or boats. Or canoes. Whatever they happen to be more like.
Oh Jane. You have had your rowboat tied to this dock for so long now that the waters have eroded too too much of you. You need to cut that rope and float away from the lake of despair and paddle to a great river of truth and passion. Cmon now girlfriend.
(this is what you say to Jane when you don't want to say, hey your boyfriend is the ill dickhead. please stop fucking him immediately.

On a sort of related note,

Katie bought this sexy book for me in Mexico.
I hope she stops "sort of" living there and decides to just live here.
I also hope someone buys me art supplies for Christmas so I can pump out some illustrations like this one.
Its pretty horrible and I love it.

Not horrible:

Being a nanny is amazing when the parent you work for gets their two year old son a guitar and he sits on Rody the blue horse and plays it.
They he throws it on the floor and walks away.
Because fuck guitars!

More not horrible:

My niece wearing an I LOVE HORSES shirt.
Thats funny, cause me too!

I would like to end with a prayer.

Dear Lord
Please stop stuffing my life with adorable babies.
I appreciate your efforts but its all too much right now.
Also thanks for inventing Italy because I love pizza.
I am going to order some right now and its going to be really delicious.
In closing, you are really funny and cool and I'm really excited that you created me in your image.
Love always,

Friday, October 24, 2008

Man Hand!

If I didn't know me I might think I had a Jamie Lee Curtis situation going on.

Todays IM Moments with the Classiest of Cholitas. Holler.

Hi Cholita!

Cholita: twisters so boring
Krissy: you better take that back
Cholita: i wont
Krissy: i love that horrible movie

Krissy: i think a man whos hotness is underrated is bill hader
Krissy: he is hot like a serial killer
Cholita: yeah hes pretty hot
Cholita: hes like the good looking version of jim breuer

Cholita: i stole diane keatons socks once

*in regards to Cholitas needs for her future apartment when she moves from LA to NY:
Krissy: who the fuck has a library in new york?
Krissy: you craze
Krissy: my blog is done
Krissy: its guh
Cholita: by library i mean a room for books
Krissy: yeah. i know
good luck with that

Krissy: are you watching the gay dance?!?!!?!
Krissy: its SO GOOOOOOD
Krissy: i cant deal with it
Cholita: I CANT DEAL
Cholita: hes REALLY good
Cholita: he should be in a musica
Krissy: he is like
Krissy: zoolander
Krissy: meets god
Cholita: meets "bruno"
Krissy: meets vaginas
Cholita: meets my friend walton
Krissy: meets magical feet
Krissy: i realize how cliche it is to listen to that song drunk with your girlfriends
Cholita: im gonna go tinkle

Totally Choreography

I am blogging so much!
I think it is because at the suggestion of Miss Porto, I need to keep myself busy.
Idle time is the devils plaything.
I think that is how it goes or maybe idle hands makes something something something.

PS I just told my "its complicated" person that because I found his phone charger and washed two of his shirts that I am a DREAM.
I made sure DREAM was just like that, in all caps.
This is the way I see myself in my mind, as basically a saint.

I am not sure whether I can leave that paragraph in this blog because its almost like I'm discussing him.

Moving on.

So last night was the clothing swap, suggested by Weinerdog.
Basically a bunch of girls in one apartment trading things instead of shopping.
It sort of works.
It's not a perfect system, I mean, there are probably a hundred items of clothing in my spare room right now.
I want to take them to salvation army or a shelter but I think my girlfriends are much more wee than your average human.
Its kind of like donating a kids meal to a hungry person.
This will tide me over for 8 to 10 minutes I think.

Wait actually, first I met up with Pam and Hiyme and TBones and Thornburg at horrendous Annex to see Chief.
I think that if you like a band you should go see them even if you have to pay 12 dollars. Because you should be active in your local talent scene, and also live music is GREAT.
Yes I meant every word of that.

OK so. Annex has a sound system that is absolute horseshit.
it is the balls.
That place can not get any worse.
The dj (why was there a dj there?) was wearing eyeliner.
The bartender (if you can call him that considering how I stood there staring at him needing a drink and he kept talking to his ugly friend instead of serving me) looked EXACTLY like the guy from Say Anything, the party scene...the one whos in the bathroom fixing his gross hair then gets crazy drunk and pukes. You know him.
I just googled him and imdb-ed him for the last 15 minutes.


Well yeah so Annex sucks.
The lead singer of Chief looks like a more annoying version of Seth Rogen.

Great yeah I'm sure you can tell by the picture.
iPhone next generation. Get a zoom. Thanks.

Yeah so I spent 16 dollars on tiny drinks in a matter of 45 minutes.
Then we met up with Stephanie at TBones studio and walked to the Den.
There was a lot of complaining about heavy bags and needing to pee and how far away Chinatown is.
Its not.

Corinne and Chiara and Shaderican came over too with some swap things.
I made a table for it all out of a door.
I was feeling super handy yesterday!
Even after sifting through everything, this is what was left, like babies in a dumpster.
So unloved.

I came away with some good stuff I would say.

Then we drank and the room exploded with estrogen.
If you were a man and you walked in, the hanging fog of ladyvibes would have immediately crippled you.

Apparently Thornburg and her lover have reached some kind of anniversary which means, obviously, going through her ipod to put on Morrissey.
Am I blowing up spots?
I don't know, but it was super cute if you ask me.

This is what it looks like when Stephanie decides to tell a story.
It could be about anything really, judging by the array of hand gestures.
They are so fast that it can not be captured in photo without blur of motion.

Is she talking about playing a piano?? Checking her watch?? Is it a story about a super scary haunted house?? A terrible smell?? Does it have something to do with rolling dough??
I have no idea.

I think this is Chiara's listening face.

I think this is Weinerdogs surprised jewish bubbeh face.

If you guessed that Weiner is the one flipping off the camera for absolutely no reason you guess correct.
Look at her petite finger!
(She also has petite feet. feminine step)

Denise tells Thornburg about plans to drive across Mexico.
Thornburg looks at her like this and then laughs and basically says, impossible.
You. Dummies.
Except she said it nicer than that.
Actually come to think of it. No. She didn't.
But honesty is the best policy!
Then Thornburg and I talked about the danger of driving across Mexico without speaking fluent Spanish and being total gringas. We did this in the kitchen where we though no one was listening.
Turns out, little sleuth Stephanie was within earshot.
She argued her and Tbones side through the bathroom wall.
That is how much she loves arguing, and in the end, convincing people that she is right.
She will tell you why she is right, from the bathroom, through the wall, to the kitchen.
No prob.

This is some kind of vulgar demonstration that I would rather not explain.
Getting a laugh is top priority. Always.

I win.

Speaking of vulgar, I think this is where we all got really excited thinking Chiara was going to tell a dirty story.
I'm sorry but it didn't happen last night, and I don't think it will ever happen.
if it does happen, everything in the room will turn into little golden coins, with little legs, and little shoes. They will run around and if you catch them, they sing you a song and then you take them to the bank and the bank teller gives you a wheelbarrow of money in exchange and everyone in that bank branch screams YOU WIN! then they give you a tiger to ride home on, and the tiger wears a velveteen saddle just your size.
if you're wondering what happened to the wheelbarrow of money you got, its being pushed alongside you by Hoggle, the grumpy sidekick from The Labyrinth.

Don't mind me, just reading my invisible newspaper.
Don't want to fall behind on the pretend news.

Sometimes when I tell a story I have to stand up while everyone else remains seated.
Its mostly because I like to be watched like this:

TBones likes it!

Pam is one of those people who finds a way to disappear within an apartment.
Typically, this is what you would call impossible unless you like hiding in ovens.
But she is very good at being mysterious.

I told Thornburg that the reason why shes never been sent a text message with a picture of a penis is because shes too pretty and men would not do that because they would be too scared.
Thats the thing about being a model I think maybe it makes men really terrified.

In the end, the song in the video below is what you end up listening to, shaking your sloppy ass, even though you do NOT want to get married, and you do NOT necessarily love Beyonce.
You just have to blame the booze.

It is like something between Silence of the Lambs and podunk town dance/fashion show!

** it is important that I mention that Olivia Jiwonji and Kaitlin, who we all wanted to participate in swap night, were sorely missed. I am so sore from missing them that I should probably go get some kind of salve to relieve it.