List.

1. My guts tingle every time I log on to myspace and see the Dark Knight background. Then I pee a little and dance in the pee puddle. Then I imagine the movie in my mind and pee more.

2. I went to the Natch History Museum. Oh big deal you say? I go all the time? Not totes excites?
Well fuck you, because I saw a movie there called SEA MONSTERS.



Dinosaurs. In the ocean. Eating eachother. Scenes of gore and discovery were interspersed with scenes over time of nerds digging holes to find the bones that explain the film.
Heaven?
Mabes.
Not mabes.
Defs.
I took Owen who ps. just turned 3. They didn't want to sell me a ticket for him, but I'm his Tony Danza, not them.
(Boss)
(I'm his boss.)

3. I hate it when you totally want to make out with someone who is one of these two things or both:
a) a loser
b) not into you.

I love losers who are not into me.
Enough said on the topic.
I would put a picture of at least one of the "men" I am referencing here but that would be super embarrassing and I'm really not prepared for that shit right now.
That would be somewhere on the shame scale between throwing a birthday party no one comes to, and making out with some dude right after you vom at the bar.

4. I just invented a fucked up version of the Rom Com (romantic comedy) called the Vom Com. Instead of cute people falling in love, then getting into hijinx, then living happily ever after, instead they puke everywhere randomly throughout the film.

5. Obviously I have puke on my mind.

6. Obviously not literally.

7. At this point I really take at least 20 pictures a day of cats.



And yes, I have a cat, a Freud dream book, a gemstone, a softball, and linen spray on the window by my bed.
How I became that person, it is a true true mystery.
I feel like I live in a fucking Cathy comic.



8. My olfactory sensitivity is at an all time high today. Everything I smelled made me sick. In fact, I happened to sit next to a bum on the train by accident. He was one of those bums who looks actually shiny because the natural oils of his body have had so much time to accumulate.
I am not an insensitive woman, I feel for bums.
But I actually had to get up and move halfway down the car. Then cover my face with my hand.
I could still smell him.
And my mind could not switch to anything else.
It was ME. and SHINY BUM.
All else vanished.
I had a panic attack somewhere around 14th street and realized my greatest wish was that someone could turn down the sensory dial in my nasal passage.

Also I smelled a banana at work and almost screamed.

The End.

Whats gods name I can't remember

Horses are the best.

YES HORSES.
Horses and people, horses in battle, horses in art, horses horses horses horses horses horses.
Baby horses, fat horses, tall horses, majestic horses, genius horses, stupid horses, tasty horses, French horses, pommel horses, gentle horses, prancing horses, sleeping horses, magic horses, hippie horses, concieted horses, indifferent horses, horses of another color, old horses, and hopefully no dead horses.



Meet me at the Museum of Natural History I have a membership whut whut exhibit open to the public aka ME and YOU in 4 days.

Not even fucking around, Thumbelina the miniature horsey will be there on Saturday just hanging out.
Oh you don't believe it?
Too good to be true?
Read and weep

http://www.amnh.org/exhibitions/horseprogram/

SHES ONLY AS TALL AS A DOG.

I peed in my pants while I wrote that so I have to go clean myself up and squeal into my pillow with excitement.

HORSEY.

Kyyy-oat. (thats how they say it in the southwest, yeah?)

Today I read an article in the Times about the recession.
How its not JUST a recession, its more.
For the first time in America, the cost of living is rising at a steady pace, yet the most recent Census has shown a decline in family income.
What the fuck is that?
I was just on IM with my mom (yes I said it, relax)
and she said this,


"oh yes. keep your money close to your belly!"

First of all, raise your hand if you have any idea what that is supposed to mean.
Second of all, my mother is the greatest woman I know. She is so fantastically maternal and somehow also my best friend.
Cheers to that.

So this week has turned so very positive. A few panic attacks, an awful "I can't pay the rent" scenario, a looming week off with no pay....
But I feel quite excellent in hindsight because its all resolved. It took about 48 hours but felt eternal.
I went to the Met, yesterday? Monday?
Doesn't matter.
With Le Petit Ryan and the boys.
Of course the one thing I felt I had to take a picture of, I got yelled at for.
The guard said its a special display.
Thats funny.
I thought the whole "I take up three city blocks" building was special displays.
My bad.
Go fuck yourself.
Whatever, here it is, officially the raddest thing to come out of any civilization through all time.



Bear in mind, those are real teeth. Snarling. Embedded in fur scraps and feathers. Made onto a mask. For creepy people to wear. Ceremonially.
If I am ever incarcerated for anything, know that it was to steal this monstrosity.
Lemme get on tappa theeat!


Walking down 5th Ave is just so fantastic this time of year.
Leaving the museum to go back down to the 70s I see 800 trees and they all look like this:



No, I have no desire to move uptown but I do in a way wish that the LES would get its gutter self ungutterized in some ways.
I want to smell hydrangeas and hyascinth sometimes, not just garbage and piss.

Side note:
Is it just me or is this a scary fucking edifice?



I was on my way home, post "lovely day at the Met/strolling the spring filled streets/sunning at the park on 84th"
Going down 2nd Ave on the bus, and this nightmare is looming to my left.
Ummmmm.
Remember that time you went to school for architecture?
Then you graduated?
Then you scored that rad job at that firm in Manhattan?
Then after years of ladder climbing you got to design your own jam?
That was so awesome!
UNTIL YOU CAME UP WITH THIS.
Great job. Really.

Observing and then criticizing is the one thing I will never ever stop doing.
This is why I am single.
Just a guess.

Most important information of the day. I have decided that this summer I want to go to New Mexico.
I need to get with the spirits, stat.
I hope I bring home a wolf dog and a bag of Indian blessed pebbles. And a new soul.

Challah atcha goil.

I met Le Petit Ryan today for a playdate so they call it. We brought the kiddies.
Went to the Museum of Natural History because I don't think I have the place committed completely to memory yet.

Notes:

Everyone who works in security is funny. Especially if they are black. That's why there are so many comedies written for black people with blue collar jobs. White people don't really know how to relax just yet and loosen up, it may take us a couple hundred more years. With evolution we will one day joke effectively.

Did dinosaurs have penises? Well this was the question of the day. Seems logical that they would....but they lay eggs....like birds. Birds in fact DO NOT have penises. Where do we go from here? Research. I will look into this.

Oy gevalt


We seriously considered sending the children off to make the penis inquiry.


Serious awe. AWWW.


Boys at the age of 25 are the same as they were at 2.
They like to create havoc and noise. They are horrible listeners and their balls just get bigger when you raise your voice. It's basically in their nature to be like , "Bitch who the fuck are you yelling at? Psht. I think I'm gonna go climb on that thing and see who I can piss off."


this artifact will make a fine seat for us poopypants children.


Andean art makes me emo to the max


yo I'm out. Meet me at the African Mammals suckas.

This guy has really bad taste. The photo gives less evidence than I would like. I followed him from the entrance to the elevator up to the 4th floor. It was totally called for.

So I had this idea for my hair. Young Frankenstein slash Jerry Lee Lewis? Yeah, I thought it was a fresh idea too. Someone punch me in the face.

Pygmies are hilarious.
Petit looks like one but does not qualify as she is slightly taller than 4'6.

Hm, says here I can't read. I'm 2.
Ryan could you please ask your people about their natural habitat?

The museum knows where to give up. There is a little glass window in the Asian People section reserved for JEWISH ASIA.
It is pitch black and empty.
Go see for yourself. No Josh and Judy Changs far as we know. (joke credit Ryan Taylor Eastman)

I want lots of rugrats.
Lemme get one please. BFT, I'm 24 going on 60.