Saturday, January 31, 2009

Hi, Hater, Bye Dater.

This is by far the most bloggable thing that has happened to me in months.
I seriously mean that.
It is so amazing, so absurd, so perfectly weird, that I can not bear to keep it to myself.

Every once in awhile someone I care for tells me that I can be a bit cruel. That sometimes my teasing hits too close to home and its hurtful for them.
When this happens, I typically don't even realize I have done it, and sincerely apologize for my insensitivity and bullying.

The following email was just sent to me an hour ago, by a guy I went on ONE DATE WITH.
He hardly knows me from a hole in the wall.
As I stated a few posts back, it was an ok date, there just weren't SPARKS! happening.
This my friends, is why I don't date 'nice guys.'

I would just also like to throw in, this is a TOTAL SHOCK TO ME, seeing as I did absolutely nothing to this guy.
I'm serious, I'm not just saying it.
The one thing I think he could have gotten his panties twisted up about would maybe be me telling him he reminded me of David Cross. Which, PS, not an insult!

I think this is simply a case of one man, no balls, playing way out of his league.


*hey you mentioned not wanting the guy to buy all your drinks cause it might be bad Karma.
Well if you are worried about Karma you might want to try not to be the biggest fucking bitch you can be in a poor attempt to cover up the fact that you are a huge loser.
The booze must of caught my tongue cause you are easily the worst person I have ever been on a date with and I should left after the first of many insults and told you to go fuck yourself. Sorry for the delay this should of been seen after we first met.


I think he likes me

Here is my response:

Wow that was weird.
Good luck with everything in your future

Kindest regards

Sent from my iPhone

* So, the thing about the awesome of me?!?!
I never let men pay for everything because I don't ever want to be a gold digger, lead them on, or make them feel obligated.
Not only that, but this guy told me 10 minutes into our date that he was so glad to hang out together!
He stuck around for almost 3 hours! Never got sour, nothing!

Is it possible that this is what happens when you don't put out?

Anyway, despite being totally over the catch phrase.....

Hi, Hater!!!!!

PPS If you would like a picture of this super happy lovable guy, please leave a comment with request and I will gladly show him to you.
Because I'm a bitch like that!
Just looking out for my fellow castraters of NYC.
I never talk about fashion because its way stupid and I'm way smart.
But Truthies, every season I'm ask myself who/what I want to look like.
Friends, prepare yourself for me + spring.
Basically I will be the walking talking definition of windblown.
There will probably be things tied to me/on me/around my neck and or waist.
I will call them ladytools.
They will serve little to no function.

White is the new black.
Overalls are the new booty shorts.
Body con is the new everything.
Kids are the new models.
Acorns are the new skulls. (PS I NEVER participated in that trend. Not for a second. Ugh cornballish)
Crop tops are still hugely cheesy but you will catch me in them.
Bali cutwork? Still right up my alley.

Attempting to make sense of anything I just said is futile.
I just google image searches for about two hours.
So just try to appreciate my efforts if you can, theeeeeinks!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

You are an asshole.

File this under completely idiotic

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Get some new ears and teeth

So just want everyone to take a look at this.
This was over Christmas at Adelvises' house. Adelvises' actual name is Adel, he's my mums boif.
Who cares anyway, notice how normal everyone looks. Oh just some moms with their babies, some holiday spirit...
why the FUCK am I making come hither face at a Christmas gathering??
Its not appropriate, it makes no sense, I look scary, who am I.
I have no idea who that person is walking around in tank tops and satin high waisted skirts in the dead of the winter.
Oh my god, grow up.

No one caaaaaaaaaaaares.
Sing that.

Basically I wanna talk about the fact that everyone thinks its some kind of 'dangerous' that Molly and I are hanging out all the time.
Direct Quotes:
Dan Levin : Its like TNT.
FreeCaype: I'm scared.
Sam Caroll: Someone should call social services on you guys for babysitting together.

Actually its only boys who think its scary. SCAWY.
Fuck you guys.
Dun be scared.
Whatever, I get it, I would be scared of some weird bishes who roll up in a bar looking like this

right: gully
Also, I'm wearing a hat ok, I don't have a bald top of head. Nice 6head, ugliness.
I don't actually think I'm ugly, I'm a babe.
Sidenote, I went on a date last night which is so weird because I don't really go on dates? But its sort of fun, I recommend it. But its a total bummer when theres no SPARK! which there wasn't.
After that I went to Brooklyn ewww and it was fun.
Hi friends! There were friends evrawhur.

I am not doing well telling stories or anything like that today.

Heres a picture in front of a stupid hippie belt/knife/hat store.

We stood there across from a school for about 15 minutes. It was molester looking.
There is no way anything I have to say today is amusing to anyone.
I just really hate that store.
Also, speaking of schools, when you are near a school there is a 50/50 chance of seeing a hot dad and I love that.
We saw a fucking banging dad with a superb mustache today.
I was moderately to highly excited about it.
I am such a mustache lover.

I'm also a Sam Sparro lover.
He is the hottest gay I've ever seen, I want to touch his bodeh.
If I had a genie, I would wish to be a really adorable twink for one day so I could go find Sam Sparro and make out with him!
It would be tasty delish glory glory hallelujah

I listen to this song way too much and it makes me have a 1990sesque dance party with myself. If you're a dj and you have never played this then get with the fucking program because it gets girls wet yo.
Sorry that was so gross.
Actually I'm not sorry at all, deal with it.

This may be the most sexually charged blog I've written in all of time.
Nom Nom Nom

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It was pretty team tattoo

So last night was D's birthday party, which I 'hosted' meaning buzzed people into my apartment.
Homegirl didn't show up til after midnight when it technically wasn't her birthday anymore so that was a good move.
There were so many women in my house I didn't really know what to do.
Where are the men? Oh hiding? Great fuck you guys.
The Japanese invaded somewhere around 2am I think. That was kind of amazing. I mean that super literally, I wish I had a picture. I opened the door to a good 10-12 Japanese kids I have never met. It was moderately surreal for a minute.
People drank a lot of beer and made a lot of noise and smoked 8 thousand cigarettes and then Thornberg challenged me to a wrestling match. Whatever else happened who cares that shit was really uncalled for and awesome.
When everyone left Liv helped me clean everything up because shes a good friend and I love her longtime.
I stopped taking pictures around the time my apartment became a smokey can of yelling sardine humans. Most disgusting sentence ever written?

Slash came over.

Hiyme acted cute I guess.

Stephanie ruthlessly defending her posish as Cutest.
Theres Corinne in the backround, probably being a total weiner.
She told me about 14 times that her camera was set to sports mode and thats why all the pictures she took stunk. Good excuse, Corinne.
Sports mode? I feel pretty wtf about that.

Putting the Al Franken drinkin glasses longstraw to use. In a flask. Gross? Sure.
I'll give peace signs to that.

Rafael says yes to both.
Denise is I guess being classically Denise. If anyone wants to decipher what that means, go ahead. Because I really don't know.

Naomi made an Aquarius cake.
It was vegan.
It tasted delish.
Naomi wins.

Also winning?
Crystals ensemble.
Puffy sleeves are rarely this attractive.

This nerdy bish.
I love her all the time.

Denise is a human wink.
I just decided that.
Oh hey look apparently boys eventually showed up.
And wore awkward sweaters? Sure.

A good edition to the stomp dance circle of Denise Krissy Stephanie and Olivia.
I think this wile out is about 3 minutes before she wrapped herself in toilet paper and threw me to the ground. I didn't even fight back for a minute because I was like, this bish is frail I don't wanna break her legs or something...
Turns out she is not frail and one must fight back to survive.

Then things happened then more things happened then I realized I was drunk while talking about Picasso with Soner and Proce.
Then a blogger who shant be named showed up and hunted for beer which was fucking weird, hi, you don't even know me, stop trying to scrounge around in my crib. Theeeeeeinks!

I feel like the only thing I talked about all night was my cats. People love my cats. They are charmers. I'm surprised no one stole the cats, thats what a fucking hit they are.

Who cares I want to take a nap.
Happy Birthday Denise!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Oh hai...

Its my favorite song right now!
Too bad every time they are performing in new york its sold out in 3 seconds and I don't get tickets.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Oh, I'm sorry Margaret.

Who wants to make out with Will Ferrell?
I love mustaches.


Tomorrow Night.
Happy Birthday TBones!

Triệu Thị Trinh

Its like a fairy tale, only it really happened, and its super violent!
Some historians challenge her existence, but fuck those guys.

Early years

Triệu Thị Trinh was born in Son Trung Village in the Trieu Son District of the Thanh Hoa Province (situated in today's northern Vietnam) on the 2 October AD 225. At this time, the area was under the control of the Eastern Wu Kingdom, one of China's Three Kingdoms. She was orphaned at a young age and lived with her brother Triệu Quốc Đạt (趙國達) and his wife until she was twenty years old. It was said[who?] that she was treated like a slave in their home.


When she was twenty, she could no longer stand by and watch Wu dominate her homeland. She fled into the jungle and set up her own military camp where she went on to amass an army of at least a thousand men and women soldiers. When her brother tried to persuade her from rebelling, she told him:

“I will not resign myself to the lot of women who bow their heads and become concubines. I wish to surf the rough waves, ride the strong winds, kill the whales of the East Sea, fight the Wu to gain independence. I have no desire to take abuse.”

Triệu Thị Trinh managed to successfully liberate an area of Vietnam which she claimed as her territory and from there set up her own administration. By the time Thị Trinh was 23 she had defeated Wu advances on thirty separate occasions. She managed to defend her territory for several months and it was said that she rode into battle on the back of an elephant, clad in golden armour carrying a sword in each hand.


However in AD 248, Wu managed to defeat Thị Trinh's forces and recaptured the territory which she had previously liberated from them. To protect her honour and to elude death at the hands of the Chinese, she committed suicide by drowning herself in a nearby river. There is another version of her suicide, saying that she was trampled to death by elephants.[citation needed]

Another version claims that Triệu Thị Trinh was a nine-foot tall giantess who rode into battle upon a massive elephant with her pendulous breasts slung over her shoulders and the Chinese at the times exclaimed: “It would be easier to fight a tiger, than to fight the Lady Queen.”. It was said that she could not stand even the tiniest bit of dirt so a Chinese general made his troops kick up lots of dust while they fought naked making her flee in disgust so her small army lost upon which she committed suicide.

Triệu Thị Trinh is a greatly celebrated Vietnamese heroine and many streets are named after her in Vietnamese cities (there are Đường Bà Triệu Streets in Huế, Hanoi, Saigon, and several other cities). She also has a national holiday dedicated to her.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

santo daime? eh.

I am really going to blow up my own spot right now so please do not be angsty when you get hit in the face with icky schrap(nel)

Seriously, I hate on tons of things about the universe right now.
Part of it is that my job is working with boogery kids, but i CANNOT for the life of me get rid of this 'cold'.
I am one of those cornballs who thinks its all mental like if I drink tea and envision white lights and cures from within I will just wake up healed.
I think the sting in my throat is less infection/germies more heartache/bad vibes.
And if you wanna talk about bad vibes, which I do, here it goes.

I am an idiot.
I have been walking around for years getting myself caught up in situations fully fully aware they are going to suck at some point.
Usually people use their foresight to avoid pain, I think I have accidentally been using it to collide with a shitstorm of dramz.
Then when things go exactly according to shitstorm plan, I'm like, "hey y'all! who feels like listening to me lose my composure? its time to cry and lay in bed feeling awful and hate my soft lil baby heart for being a total sucker."
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you are lucky because it means you haven't been privy to my most recent descent into "I totally love this person so I'm gonna make it work" territory.
The best part is, this has happened at least 5 times since I was like 16.
I have zero skills in self preservation.
I am that dumb kid who stands next to the stove.
If I touch it agggggain...theres no way its still going to be hot...I thiiiink I should probably check it out...oh whoops that burns! Bummer! I'll be back to take another look see in a few minutes....ok I'm back. Still hot? I think I should def find out....
Yeah, thats where this is going.
Hot stove = hot stove.
Make the correlation.
Stop touching it asshole.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I am a stove toucher to the max.
The realness part of me would absolutely love to just vomit a bunch of sadness and anger onto the internet, but A. blogging won't fix the problem and B. I absolutely love and respect the person whos ruining my life right now, so I really don't think our private matters should keep being bitched about 'publicly'
I really just think the one thing I need to get a handle on is the weird spontaneous break into tears thing on the train.
Its a behavior reserved for folks with terminal illnesses, totally batshit crazy ladies, and people who have just been dumped by like, the person they have lived with for 7 years.
Something along those lines.
I am not one of those people.
But I strangely enough find myself sitting there minding my own business, reading some book, listening to Lil Wayne (not good crying music) and jesus christ.
Whimper. Audible gasp/cry noise. Tears. Shame. Ew. WHATTTT THE FUUUUUCK.
Oh sorry everyone.
Didn't mean to bum you all out.
Great job!

And I always think I'm over it.
I really really do.
But instead of being happier and moving on I just get angry instead.
Secretly furious.
Coping tactics?
Killing it!

Suggestion to self?
OK, I'm going to throw something in the river today as a representation of letting go of my pain and agony.
New age!!!!!!
Super lame and ps I'm not kidding.
I also might have to start a fire somewhere and say a little prayer into it.
Hi healing power elements of the universe,
its me again.
lets do this shit.

Or I will just read this letter out loud:

Dear God,
Love is so awesome! I mean it!
For a couple weeks or days or months or years its really the best.
You can point and laugh at the lonely people because when you are lovingggg, you're in a special club, and who doesn't love special clubs?
Then something shitty happens and you remember its all cyclical. Fighting, sadness, giving in, making up, fucking, relief.
Then like a week later you do it again!
Until you decide you do NOT like love that much any more and you say "whatever suckers I'm riding dolo warrior status, being single is fun and awesome and loving is for cornballs"
So you do that for awhile until someone makes you laugh and you wanna hold their hand sometimes and do nice things for them. Oh whoops, not feeling very warrior.
Thats cool though, because remember last time, love was super fun, and actually you didn't fight or cry that much, it was mostly snuggling, right?
Oh yeah!
Then days or weeks or months later, oh bummer, actually there IS a lot of yucky stuff involved with loving, ew we have to have a talk??? That does not sound good. Then theres complaining and bitterness and just all new kinds of dramz!!
So actually God, I think when you came up with this whole concept you should have make human beings either insanely dumb, so they wouldn't think so much, or insanely smart so they could come up with an answer for how to 'make it weeerk'

(Tim Gunn shouts!)
So I have lots of love, but right now i think I should give it to meeee, and give some to you, also.
Because you are balling.

XOXO from Earth

PS I'm cold but Manhatta you so pretty

PS speaking of the roles of love, happy 32nd birthday to Lance, hunny bunny of the distant past, who I totally wish I never knew in tons of ways, but theres no way I could say anything about learning to make it werkkkk without him in my life.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

No humor involved

News Flashes:

Hwwwwahhhkeeenuh Pheonix plans to break into the rap game:

Juliette Lewis, despite Scientology, still awesome at life:

When girls dance without boys around, this is in fact what it looks like:

There is nothing going on, and I'll tell you why.
Because its too cold, thats why.

See you bishes in April.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Last time I checked this gets filed under the Shitstorm kitiguree

Oh Em Gee. So Henry was telling me about how horse dicks have to get cleaned because they get so much smegma so I google image searched smegma and it was disgusto.
Not really.
I hate viscosity.

Shit is so so fucked up right now I can't even think about it or I will wile out on everyone.
I'm not complaining by the way.
But if you see me on the streets don't think I don't know how creepy and manic I'm being, I totally know.
I'm pretty much cruising around 3 seconds away from sticking forks in my eyes and doing homeless person talky to selfie behavior.

Moving on from that fuckery.

Sam shot the look book for Bess (which is so fucking hot goth beeteedubs) and I went along to 'help her' meaning I did very very little.
But I sort of want to own every single thing in that showroom.

Who cares.
Heres some dumb ugly pictures.

The work/shooting space for Bess is in Keith Harings old joint. Gimme the Hi5!

Gravity Tank?

Sicker=the hot gay porn selection in that place.
We observed many a bear daddy/whips up the butt/vintage hairiness.
It was a dream basically.
The only thing I saw that crossed the line was a dude with a candle stuck up his pee hole. Yes I know its called a urethra, relax nerds.

Stab all of these shits with studs and grommets and put it up for sale.
I'm buying.

Stevie did pretty makeup.

Look a model eating

(behind the scenes dumdum)

Stevie liked dusting his nipples.
It was very sexual for all of us.

What a Fight Club bod.
I guess its good but I like boys a lil fatty.
Just my taste.

I want these clothes.
Pants that zip all the way crotch to booty are really next lev.
I don't know if I could pull it off.
But I would work that studded leather garter all night.
All day.

Also those are my fav boots.
Can I have a boif that wears this shit please?
I found out I have a slight Norwegian Death Metal Fetish.

So then I got tired of taking pictures of this shit and took a serious break.
I took zero pics of the female model who was super cute and sexah and the clothes were also amazing.
Whatever maybe I just like looking at boys more than girls.
Big deal.

The next time I took out my camera was to snap Stevie making up Doug, who is the AMAZING designer/owner/HBIC of Bess. He totally looks like Perry Farell. Hes a trip. In the best way.
I sort of want to hold him in my arms while we listen to Rolling Stones Lullabies.
Wesley in the back looking all like somebody farted.
I think we are kindred bitch spirits maybe.

Nothing else happened, it was a super long day, etc etc, I got gifted an amazing tee with the tarot card for Death on it. So official.

I did one of those weird things where I started this blog, left it for like 2 hours, and came back to it and now I'm over the whole thing.
Me and Molly went to Beauty Bar later and said hi to Jen.

iz dummiez

iz happiez

Late night.
Accidentally tipped the cab driver 20 dollars on the way home.
Had the worst phone conversation of my life when I got home.
Thank god Molly slept ova or else I would have had no one to wake up to and walk to Pho Bang with.
A bowl of beef pho could probably fix anything.
I dare you to test that shit and say I'm wrong.
Unless youre a vegetarian.
In that case youre a fagget anyway so who cares.