Tuesday, January 20, 2009

santo daime? eh.

I am really going to blow up my own spot right now so please do not be angsty when you get hit in the face with icky schrap(nel)

Seriously, I hate on tons of things about the universe right now.
Part of it is that my job is working with boogery kids, but i CANNOT for the life of me get rid of this 'cold'.
I am one of those cornballs who thinks its all mental like if I drink tea and envision white lights and cures from within I will just wake up healed.
I think the sting in my throat is less infection/germies more heartache/bad vibes.
And if you wanna talk about bad vibes, which I do, here it goes.

I am an idiot.
I have been walking around for years getting myself caught up in situations fully fully aware they are going to suck at some point.
Usually people use their foresight to avoid pain, I think I have accidentally been using it to collide with a shitstorm of dramz.
Then when things go exactly according to shitstorm plan, I'm like, "hey y'all! who feels like listening to me lose my composure? its time to cry and lay in bed feeling awful and hate my soft lil baby heart for being a total sucker."
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you are lucky because it means you haven't been privy to my most recent descent into "I totally love this person so I'm gonna make it work" territory.
The best part is, this has happened at least 5 times since I was like 16.
I have zero skills in self preservation.
I am that dumb kid who stands next to the stove.
If I touch it agggggain...theres no way its still going to be hot...I thiiiink I should probably check it out...oh whoops that burns! Bummer! I'll be back to take another look see in a few minutes....ok I'm back. Still hot? I think I should def find out....
Yeah, thats where this is going.
Hot stove = hot stove.
Make the correlation.
Stop touching it asshole.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I am a stove toucher to the max.
The realness part of me would absolutely love to just vomit a bunch of sadness and anger onto the internet, but A. blogging won't fix the problem and B. I absolutely love and respect the person whos ruining my life right now, so I really don't think our private matters should keep being bitched about 'publicly'
I really just think the one thing I need to get a handle on is the weird spontaneous break into tears thing on the train.
Its a behavior reserved for folks with terminal illnesses, totally batshit crazy ladies, and people who have just been dumped by like, the person they have lived with for 7 years.
Something along those lines.
I am not one of those people.
But I strangely enough find myself sitting there minding my own business, reading some book, listening to Lil Wayne (not good crying music) and jesus christ.
Whimper. Audible gasp/cry noise. Tears. Shame. Ew. WHATTTT THE FUUUUUCK.
Oh sorry everyone.
Didn't mean to bum you all out.
Great job!

And I always think I'm over it.
I really really do.
But instead of being happier and moving on I just get angry instead.
Secretly furious.
Coping tactics?
Killing it!

Suggestion to self?
OK, I'm going to throw something in the river today as a representation of letting go of my pain and agony.
New age!!!!!!
Super lame and ps I'm not kidding.
I also might have to start a fire somewhere and say a little prayer into it.
Hi healing power elements of the universe,
its me again.
lets do this shit.

Or I will just read this letter out loud:

Dear God,
Love is so awesome! I mean it!
For a couple weeks or days or months or years its really the best.
You can point and laugh at the lonely people because when you are lovingggg, you're in a special club, and who doesn't love special clubs?
Then something shitty happens and you remember its all cyclical. Fighting, sadness, giving in, making up, fucking, relief.
Then like a week later you do it again!
Until you decide you do NOT like love that much any more and you say "whatever suckers I'm riding dolo warrior status, being single is fun and awesome and loving is for cornballs"
So you do that for awhile until someone makes you laugh and you wanna hold their hand sometimes and do nice things for them. Oh whoops, not feeling very warrior.
Thats cool though, because remember last time, love was super fun, and actually you didn't fight or cry that much, it was mostly snuggling, right?
Oh yeah!
Then days or weeks or months later, oh bummer, actually there IS a lot of yucky stuff involved with loving, ew we have to have a talk??? That does not sound good. Then theres complaining and bitterness and just all new kinds of dramz!!
So actually God, I think when you came up with this whole concept you should have make human beings either insanely dumb, so they wouldn't think so much, or insanely smart so they could come up with an answer for how to 'make it weeerk'

(Tim Gunn shouts!)
So I have lots of love, but right now i think I should give it to meeee, and give some to you, also.
Because you are balling.

XOXO from Earth

PS I'm cold but Manhatta you so pretty

PS speaking of the roles of love, happy 32nd birthday to Lance, hunny bunny of the distant past, who I totally wish I never knew in tons of ways, but theres no way I could say anything about learning to make it werkkkk without him in my life.


Anonymous said...

gurl you dun made me sad.

hmmmmmm, let those feelings out!

my word was pirtes, like "Girl, you look very pirtes today." haha


hotdog water said...

I really like your blog and I think you have really pretty hair.

Feel better!

hi? said...

you're a total teen horse walk. (my word is ->) PATESTI! (sort of like whadata??? or like a new kind of punctuation??? like...those questions that you ask when you're mad at someone and you repeat back their apology to them but in question form but totally don't intend for them to be answering any sort of question, you're just trying to make them feel like an idiot? a patesti would end that sentence.)