Monday, April 28, 2008


Quote of the century:

The Joy of Sex Original Edition, 1972
p 130

- in regards to the use of a feminine douche

"No one wants peach sauce, on say, scampi."


Footnote. September 2008 the new edition comes out. The male lovahh in the illustrations will no longer be a loose fleshed hippie with a loggers beard.
The bitch gets to keep her armpit hair though!

My birthday is September 5.

Friday, April 25, 2008

What everybody cool wears.

Blog neglecting.
So geigh.

I was doing very important things for my week off from work now I am sitting here in a bathrobe and Judge Judy is on.
Great job.
Hey loser, get dressed its 4 pm.

Anyway I was in Albany with Beebs and Sterp.
I will write an epic post about that later, my pictures from it are on another computahhh.
Its worth the wait.

Then I went to Jersey to see my sister and my niece and my baby fever is pretty extreme. Sometimes I want to cry into a cup, make a wish over it, pour it into a magical wishing well and have a little babe drop out of the sky like this , "Mama!"
Don;t be scared.
Speaking of scared, i'm fucking terrified of wells so maybe I should pour the cup of tears into something else like a wishing stream.
Maybe I should make a tshirt that says cup of tears like cup of soup. That would be retarded.

Anyway I was super happy to get back home to the city, I totally missed my bed.
I think I napped for about six hours when I got back in Wednesday because Im a lazy slob.
Then went for drinkies and food with Professor Alger at Les Enfants.
Do I love that place?
Ran over to Sweet Paradikes and saw Lori Balls Out Lolo in the street being weird.
She makes me laugh.
Came back to Market Street to dress Lori up like a sexy gal which was hilarious.
Best thing that has happened in weeks, Simon found the most genius thing to ever show up on youtube:

I think he was way more into the videos of people getting pantsed and soft porn in an office setting but I'm pretty into the crocs topic.
I also told Simon he would be blogged so there it is.
A shoutout about him being a perv.
Who doesnt love a pervert though.
He also loves baby horses so that makes up for it.

Speaking of youtube, and perverts, and horses, I watched a documentary yesterday called Animal Passions about creeps who do it to farm animals and dogs.
You know you want to watch it I won't tell anybody.
You don't see anything gross, its just a bunch of screwballs talking about how much they love their pet and how it feels great and the animals like it.
Oh yeah?
Kill yourself.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Riff Raff. Everywhere.

Two things I like doing.

Watching this video and dreaming about David and I with our legs under a gay chenille blankie in front of a fireplace making out.

*Keep in mind I do not condone singing songs about insecure people being fat failures.

And saying this out loud:

The Bob Loblaw Law Blog.

I have a sunburn and that brings me a strange joy.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dropped 4 lbs, took up sudoko. Natch.

I had a semi shitty weekend of feeling under the weather.
Weird sinus stuff so here I sit in my bedroom with a humidifier gurgling and peach tea no sugar.
I also have an excellent new Paulo Cuehlo book to crack.

Speaking of crack, yesterday i started drinking vodka and orange spritzers for brunch around 11am.
I stopped drinking around midnight.
I went to Good World for food items with Lil Ames and talked his poor ear off about my "problems."
I put problems in quotes because they are not actual problems I just like to hear myself talking. My voice is funny and satisfying to mine own earhole.
Then I scurried off to Jersey to hang out with my mom and my brother and Nicole and Murph.
They spent 2 grand on a fucking dog.
Greatjob guys next time why don't you just buy me a personal massuer to live in my closet and do as a say.
Better idea.

Anyway, his name is Carl. NBD.

People love dogs. I don't really get it.
Cold hearted I know.
I'm just not that into dogs.
Except street dogs. I like them because they have spunk.
And wolf dogs, because they are PART WOLF PART DOG.
Either eat my face or protect my kin, whatever tickles your tail.

Important news of the world:
My greatest fear is officially real.
No, not that the giant squid have began traveling on land and eating humans.
So my second greatest fear.

Little back story.

When I was a kid I had warts.
Shut up.
I think I had them from nerves??

I know what you're thinking. Dweeb.

Anyway, they weren't THAT BAD.
I got rid of them on my own after many visits to doctors who burned them and iced them and shit like that.
The truth is, if you pick at anything enough it really can't stick it out.
I showed those fuckin warts whats what.
So yeah, they were on my arms mostly, and little, like chicken pocks only less red.
Don't throw up, I'm nearly done.
Anyway, as I'm sure all of you noticed, I now have perfectly baby soft glorious glowing skin from head to toe. No prob.
But I still get this horrible creeping sensation when I think of BUMPS. Any bumps. Caused by anything. Bumpphobia.
I guess you could loosely call it Dermatophobia, which is basically a fear of yucky skin issues, but its bumps specifically. I researched online and found a group of people posting responses to someone with a similar issue to me. The bump drama.
The weird thing is, they all also seem to be scared of holes or clusters?
I don't see the connection but whatever, this is all making me sound more and more unattractive with every word I say.

HERE, my friends, is the imagery and story which will be haunting my dreams for days to come.

(courtesy of the ever sickening Metro UK "weird news" section)

A man dubbed 'Tree Man of Java' is planning to get married after 4lb of bark were cut away.

Dede Koswara, 37, says he plans to get hitched now that he can use his hands and walk without pain.

Speaking from an Indonesian hospital, he told the Daily Telegraph website: "What I really want first is to get better and find a job. But then, one day, who knows? I might meet a girl and get married."

Dede's first wife left him and he lost his job because of his bizarre affliction.

At one point to feed his two children he joined a freak show with other victims of peculiar diseases.

But now, following a series of operations to cut away the tree-like growths, he can see the outline of his toes for the first time.

He has also become a sudoko addict now he can hold a pen.

He said he hopes that he will resume a normal life after two more operations to graft undamaged skin onto his hands, feet and face.

Since Dede cut his knee as a teenager, strange roots have been growing out of him.

A small wart developed on his lower leg and spread uncontrollably.

But last year US dermatology expert Dr Anthony Gaspari took up his case.

He concluded Dede's odd affliction was caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), a fairly common infection usually causing only small warts.

But in Dede's case he had an extremely rare immune system deficiency, leaving his body unable to contain the warts.

PS. Heres Dede AFTER 4 lbs of warts was ripped off.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Kyyy-oat. (thats how they say it in the southwest, yeah?)

Today I read an article in the Times about the recession.
How its not JUST a recession, its more.
For the first time in America, the cost of living is rising at a steady pace, yet the most recent Census has shown a decline in family income.
What the fuck is that?
I was just on IM with my mom (yes I said it, relax)
and she said this,

"oh yes. keep your money close to your belly!"

First of all, raise your hand if you have any idea what that is supposed to mean.
Second of all, my mother is the greatest woman I know. She is so fantastically maternal and somehow also my best friend.
Cheers to that.

So this week has turned so very positive. A few panic attacks, an awful "I can't pay the rent" scenario, a looming week off with no pay....
But I feel quite excellent in hindsight because its all resolved. It took about 48 hours but felt eternal.
I went to the Met, yesterday? Monday?
Doesn't matter.
With Le Petit Ryan and the boys.
Of course the one thing I felt I had to take a picture of, I got yelled at for.
The guard said its a special display.
Thats funny.
I thought the whole "I take up three city blocks" building was special displays.
My bad.
Go fuck yourself.
Whatever, here it is, officially the raddest thing to come out of any civilization through all time.

Bear in mind, those are real teeth. Snarling. Embedded in fur scraps and feathers. Made onto a mask. For creepy people to wear. Ceremonially.
If I am ever incarcerated for anything, know that it was to steal this monstrosity.
Lemme get on tappa theeat!

Walking down 5th Ave is just so fantastic this time of year.
Leaving the museum to go back down to the 70s I see 800 trees and they all look like this:

No, I have no desire to move uptown but I do in a way wish that the LES would get its gutter self ungutterized in some ways.
I want to smell hydrangeas and hyascinth sometimes, not just garbage and piss.

Side note:
Is it just me or is this a scary fucking edifice?

I was on my way home, post "lovely day at the Met/strolling the spring filled streets/sunning at the park on 84th"
Going down 2nd Ave on the bus, and this nightmare is looming to my left.
Remember that time you went to school for architecture?
Then you graduated?
Then you scored that rad job at that firm in Manhattan?
Then after years of ladder climbing you got to design your own jam?
That was so awesome!
Great job. Really.

Observing and then criticizing is the one thing I will never ever stop doing.
This is why I am single.
Just a guess.

Most important information of the day. I have decided that this summer I want to go to New Mexico.
I need to get with the spirits, stat.
I hope I bring home a wolf dog and a bag of Indian blessed pebbles. And a new soul.

totes LOL


There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Somebody play a little acoustic Jason Mraz

I cannot stop eating. Its officially a problem.
I really think it started Friday night when I went for drinks at Les Enfants with our Fraaaaanch visitor, Adrien.
I had to get the Tassili Shephard, which is by far the most delicious plate of vegetables in history. Zucchini, spicy red saucy sauciness, soft tomato, mint goat cheese....ugh. Stop it.
I also watched Goonies in French later that night, which let me tell you. Is even funnier than when its in a language I understand.
I followed up French Friday with equally French Saturday when I babysat for two petit bebes for a few hours. So fun. I want 40 of them. Clones of them. Beautiful French people birth beautiful French offspring and I got paid to play with them.
I was totally not into going out after that, but Vaudville was calling.
Corrine kindly invited me to join her in Brooklyn for a little stripper/music/creepy folk fun time.
I fucking hate Galapagos as an entertainment venue because its very gay that just walking in always has a cover change. On top of that, the bartenders make sickly weak drinks. Its also always filled with European weirdo men.
For example, the musical act of the night was basically a Spanish lyrics-ska band with a lead singer who may have down syndrome. What. A. Ham. Dude was wearing a suit with short pants and running shoes. He looked like the older brother from 7th Heaven. Also, the drummer looked like Casey Affleck, and the guy playing the accordian (YES, accordian) looked like Jim Halpert from the Office.
This band was hilarious in not the best way. The singer actually ran out into the audience and jumped onto the bar to sing. Good Lord David Lee Roth, take it down a notch.
Then an MC came on stage and wiggled out of a straightjacket (strangely sexy), stuck a screwdriver up his nose, and introduced the most ridiculous stripper of all time. She dressed like Axl Rose and did a little number to Welcome to the Jungle. It was a little gross but she had serious jelly moves. Her breasts had a life of their own I really mean that.
After the laying on a bed of nails trick, I think Corrine and I had seen enough.
So we had a really great idea, which was to go to a house party on 34th and 1st. Doesn't that sound perfect!?
Note sarcasm.
I have so much fun with Corrine though because she is a huge bitch and its awesome.
Hanging out with cheesy dudes in a penthouse is not only amusing, but a chance to put our cruelest zingers to good use.
A guy named Tommy who is balding by the way, was the worst of them all.
He made apple vodka shots and I think he almost punched me in the face when I refused to drink it because it was too girly for me. I also suggested that he strap his bra on tighter and Corrine and I invented a great little label for him when he took the two shots we refused at one time.
Two Cups, One Girl.
I then wrote that on the wall.

Oh, is it weird that a bunch of straight dudes have a giant Johnny Depp on display? Not really, no.
Lick the jay jay, JD.

More evidence that we were in the den of tools.
Battery powered hip hop Santa atop a comically huge wine glass filled with corks.

this is around the time I got asked "hey want an espresso?" about 48 times.

Then we went on the roof with Owen, Corrines jock hippie guitar playing sex pal and did lots of nothing. I tried to pee over the edge but it was too cold up there.

This is called being the third wheel.
Maybe it looks like they are joking. Not really. They prepared to make out for the whole 4 hours I was there. NBD.

It was a little hellish to sit in a glorified frat pad listening to dudes play guitar together and talk about why rock is dead.
Corrine and I made up some songs while they played and they were all filthy and rude.
Good times, good times.

I think I kicked myself out at some point because there is only so long you can sit around being like, "well're definitely not making out with anyone here. time for bed, yeah?"
I actually for the fun of it walked home from 34th street to Chinatown at 4:30 am. It felt amazing. Spring air.

Side note: All of this was funny at the time, probably not so much now.
Aaaand goodnight.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Nonrelated material

Anthropomorphic Arousal

Primal Drival

Back in the saddle babies.
Three days of blogging in a row.
That could mean any number of things.
Most likely it means I am trying to get a grip and stay in this apartment so I don't go traipsing around throwing money into the gutters.
Because I might as well do that, considering what I buy. Dinner sometimes. Vodka. A car to pick me up AFTER the vodka. Its all a very slippery slope. Don't bend over for the soap.
Two good sayings, used for very varied situations.

I am excited about a couple of things currently.
One of them is the fact that I have a week off later this month.
Free time is one of those double edged sword thingies.
Oh, rad....FREE TIME!
On the other side, idle hands get into trubbies.
I'm not sure of the exact phrasing, but thats cause I don;t have a pepaw to call up and use as my reference. I have to rely on myself, and only old timers know that kind of stuff. Example: All pepaws know: "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Good call grandpa, lets beat our kids so they don't come out brats.
Better to make them violent future wife beaters. Excellent theory.

Back to week off.
I definitely have to go to Albany to see Beebs and I definitely have to disappear to Jersey for a couple of days.
I miss my friend who I have known for over ten years. Whenever I see her she makes me laugh so hard I usually hurt myself. Or pee myself. I feel no shame about that by the way. No one EVER admits to peeing in their pants or in a bed or between parked cars. But I'll be serious for a minute.
When I have to pee.
I consider doing it in LOTS of places I'm not supposed to.
That brings me right back around to my old dear friend I was mentioning. One night, probably about a year ago, I took her and her girlfriend to Home Sweet Home. We drank alot, and ended up walking home in the rain I think.
After a block or so of having to pee, she pulls her pants down and pees into a IRON WIRE GARBAGE CAN.
Like the kind you can see right through basically.
It was amazing.
This is the kind of shit you cannot make up.
Only making it more hilarious is the fact that there are other humans walking around, and she is singing a song she has made up on the spot.
Something about humping the rain as I recall.
The label immature does not apply, nor does uncouth.
She was simply existing freely like a animal would.
Don't hate because the release of fear of judgement would cause us to ALL relieve ourselves in public and sing all the while.

I don't remember what I was talking about.

Side note:

Jackies still got the touch.