Jesus loves porn too.

Ugh I love Heineken.
I deserve it I walked 6.5 miles today. Lay off.

So yeah, good tale, good tale.
Yesterday I'm DEEEEAD asleep on the M15, really close to home by the time I wake up, I'm right around Grand and Allen.
OVER the sound of my ipod gently playing my nappy nap playlist, I hear extremely excited Chinese chatter. OK, nothing new, I live in CHINATOWN.
Not the point.
I can tell without even cracking an eyelid that one of the conversationalists is def a white girl. I don't know how I can tell, just can.
So yeah, abnormal to the maximum.
I am so disturbed by the volume of her voice. Shes talking to a crotchety old guy with a serious lost and found type get up on. I think he's wearing lady pants.
I am now in nosy mode.
I still look like a sleeping underground rodent though, I have rain hair and dark eye syndrome. I probably looked stoned. I wasn't.
Anyway, weird white girl is staring at me. Like gently. I assume shes just another lady lover, they are all super into me. I don't lie about this.
No.
She looks at me with this fucking genuine smile and says, "You know...you look like a princess! Your hair and your pretty face!!"
Exclamations necessary, this chick is amped.
She looks exactly like Topanga from Boy Meets World. And sounds like her. She is a robot sent to Earth to kiss babies and organize potlucks and when she frowns the angels weep.
OK so I def don't get it.
Then suddenly she reveals herself.
She sits down next to me, I'm literally rubbing the funk and death from my face guuhhhhhh and shes asking me what I do, where I live, how old I am. Um, duh, RELIGIOUS ZEALOT.
Now I'm onto her but I play along for blog material's sake. Jaja!
Yay play along time!
So I ask how she knows fluent Chinese. She tells me she just came to NYC from Hong Kong where she was a fucking missionary. She just "picked it up."
Now I ask where shes from.
You know the answer.
UTAH.
Hm ya don't say.
Now for the gold. Oh, so, whats your denomination?
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Now that the cats out of the bag, she gives me the Jesus speech. She looks so happy she could pee herself.
Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she asks for my phone number and gives me a Jesus card.
WOW. Amazing. I felt like I was talking to the Tom Cruise of Mormons. Recruit, recruit, come to the lord!!!!
It was amazing.



So yeah, I love the bus.

In related news, tomorrow is yet another celebration of cock, a Playgirl party!! Sex toys!

Yours truly will certainly be in attendance, and will of course give the deets.
Corrine, I love your job. And I love these parties. They are full of sassy bitches and bad dancers. And creepy decorations.
And once again, its a Happy Endings, I don't know why but its all so fitting.

I would like to share this with the universe. Little O has been wearing a superman shirt for days and I want to absorb his cuteness and swim in it like a pool of glorious magical unicorn peepee. Thats exactly how I feel about it.

The universe is simply a pile of sadness without people like him.
I think we should all get real jobs and hubbies and pump some of these out with a quickness.
Yay growing up!

Ugh.

I'm officially dead to the world post New Years.
2008s gonna be sleepy y'all.
The two high points to my weekend thus far were eating my homemade lentil stew
(WIFE ME)



and watching Enchanted with a nine year old named Emily.
She was an extra in it. i know people for reals.

So yeah, you get fucked up on the final day of the year then you fall off for a few weeks. No big.

I just finished watching some webisodes of this show Quarterlife about a chick that video blogs. Its created by the guy who made My So Called Life so I was expecting it to be So Called Fantastic. it's just kinda predictable.
Speaking of predictions...aherm:

This year I will get just a little fatter. Thats just kinda been my thing since I turned about 20 I guess. Get a little fatter. Shrug it off. Take a walk. Eat some more. Eh. I was on my a-game the other night doing my typical "outside of a bar smoking impromptu stand up routine" to some fairly new acquaintances. It was based on the idea that all 17 year olds will wake up in 3 years with the ill thigh fat like "um, ok whats the joke? How did I get to be my mom since yesterday?" Tough shit. Rub them legs together, start a fire, and do a dance around it. Hopefully that will burn some of the new poundage. My legs at this point look kinda like a fat baby's. All soft and pale and pliable. Tasty. Anyway, me, Katie and Pam were surrounded by teens at this all ages music show last night in which there was Rock. Take note of the capital R. Hilar. Nothing else to say. ALL AGES ROCK SHOW. It's all about the bitter twentysomething mad jealz of the hot teens making out in the corner. Run on home kiddies, its dark outside. I hate you. I hate you and your flaming loins. I hate you and your rosy cheeks and your flat stomachs. I hate your zest for life and your secret energy reserves that kick in at opportune times.
Summary: I'm haggard and pissed about it.

Prediction number two is that I will become more and more skilled at wifely duties and will continue to have no one to bless them with. Not to be a bitch or anything but you dudes have really fallen off. Get a fuckin J-O and step up. I would really like some flowers, or a DATE god forbid. I know its not that attractive for me to be so brazen, but at least you know I'm on the look alive vibe. I am full of zest! You have NO IDEA the shit I will whip up for din din if I know I'm getting a foot rub before bed. I don't even need that much cuddling, I find it suffocating and gross at least half the time. But I'm just getting SO GOOD at cleaning and babying and petting and cooking and nesting. It needs to be put to use. Because my party skills are certainly falling off. I'm basically yawning into shot glasses and shuffling around in flats instead of grinding on the dance flo in stilettos.

Blogging just exhausted me.