Thinking back on my final days in the first quarter of my life, I am quite depressed. I haven't done much in the way of leaving my apartment since Friday to be honest.
I smell a little bit like maple syrup, but its better than the smell of Chinatown in early September. In case you're not hip to it, it smells like farm animal vagina.
Plus hot garbage.
Anyway, My birthday party was a success in one way and one way only.
They are amazing.
They pooled together and bought me a beautiful little painting of what else, horses.
Its pretty dreamy.
I also received a few beautiful tenderly transported plants from B, cookies and wine, a hand woven top from Mexico, luxurious chocolates, and a keg of beer.
I would rather not discuss how the evening ended after 20 shots of tequila (all clearly tallied on the Tequila Terrorist Wall)
but it wasn't good.
I slept essentially on the floor, and my last thoughts were, 1. why am I eating cuban bread at 6 am? and 2. how am I going to change?
There is something I really want to change, its going to take time but I think I can do it.
Namely, i have to stop looking to others for redemption.
I'm not a bad person, I'm just a creature of habit.
I'm one of those people who you see in the back of the bus hitting themself on the side of the head mumbling. I really really don't have a whole lot of confidence in my ability to be "the best I can be."
So typically I find myself making sad sad phone calls around 5am essentially asking for answers.
Why not me?
Am I a bad person?
That is all more than I wanted to share, but after 3 days in bed I think it's time to wake up and smell the hot garbage, for real though.
Here is a recap of the final days.
The final days of the "early twenties"
I am now in my "late twenties" which gives me a shiver down my spine and a tickled gag reflex.
When I reread that I saw it as Egg Reflex which I think I will use from now to describe when chicks can't wait any longer to get preggie.
Hey pal don't blame me, its just my egg reflex.
This is a window display on the upper east side that makes me think of the past and the future at the exact same time.
Its so good and so bad.
Its just a total mess and a dream.
Sometimes I look at it and I think my brain will explode then the wave of calm rises and I say internally, "I wish I was a mannequin in a bathtub for eternity."
Then I pray that I never say that out loud by accident.
Location for precious kitten adoption: 71st and 2nd....
Don't sleep on this.
If you want a cat go get one, they are cuter than a 16 year old boy trying to grow a mustache.
* I literally just told Stephanie that we are all on the boat in the seas of discontent.
That is in fact how we talk to eachother.
Anyway, kitten day was Wednesday, and Wednesday night our friends Delta Spirit were in town to perform on Conan O Brien.
They are very nice boys, that is how you know they are not from New York.
You can also tell they are not from New York because they enjoy smiling.
Here is the link to their performance, too bad embedding was disabled but if you care you should click on it
Actually, before we went to say hello to the boys, we went to Good World for some reason and watched Bogdan eat the largest pile of mashed potatoes in history.
Drinks are getting very expensive, more than I can handle, so any bar where you know someone...thats the destination.
Do not front, because Good World may be cheesy but nothing is ever too cheesy to go drink at a discount.
Things get fuzzy after the potato pile.
Then I start doing shit like this outside of Hi Fi.
(Which, by the way, had strictly male patrons that night.
The testosterone mixed with casual boredom and pool table talk was absolutely unreal.)
This is what Jon and Sam look like when I tell them to think of kittens.
This is just about the last moment I remember.
Maybe 20 minutes later I went into sleuth mode, never to reappear.
Of course, being the retard I am, I covered my unfinished cocktail with my wallet so no one would drink it.
Then I told Sam I was going out for a cigarette and got into a cab alone.
For no reason.
This is why I am a total creep.
Also an idiot.
Who wants to deal with that?
I'll tell you, in due time, no one.
Wait, I also recall seeing this guy:
Here is TallJake.
If you want to feel like you are having the worst de ja vu of your life, scroll down to one of the pictures of TallJon, his spot-on doppleganger.
Universe collisions. Less unsettling than you would think.
This story sucks.
Thursday Bianca got here and I have missed her.
She has been driving cross country, buying vintage clothes to sell on ebay, which sounds super fun but apparently is hard?
I get it, because I think I have sold about 2 things on ebay and it was a nightmare.
Tons of time spent.
Of course we had to go do karaoke because what else would we do.
I would like to say that I am really good at singing Nothing Compares 2 U and really bad at singing Easy Lover.
I think I sang at least 3 Genesis songs.
It was kind of a dad fest.
So this place we went to on 17th is amazing because there is a wall phone in the private rooms where you pick up and say "Please bring me a vodka soda with two lemons and a little cup of ice, thanks."
Yeah and two seconds later here comes a really happy asian with just what you asked for.
The videos are so beautifully early 90210-esque.
The video for Heart 'Magic Man' was a total babefest.
Speaking of babefest, Chevy Chase anyone??
I am not even partially kidding.
This video makes no sense.
Big Chev is maybe 9 feet tall.
That would make Paul Simon about 3 and a half feet tall.
Also a great one.
We all wanna be big big stars.
Thursday went along not that well post karaoke, Bianca and I did a lot of aimless wandering where we ran into people I didn't want to see and had no idea where we should get a drink.
Yes, this in a place where there are about 4 trillion bars.
Manhattan becomes very unsatisfying for me once in awhile so i just want to lay in my bed and watch internet television.
And eat takeout.
And after I eat takeout I look for things in my freezer like snicker ice cream bars and zucchini pancakes.
Then I drink about a liter of grape juice and sleep for a minimum of 10 hours.
Then that phase ends and i stop hating the Lower East Side and I rsvp to everything and anything and drag my friends around like a crackhead trying to smoke up every rock of life in sight.
All or nothing maybe.
That being said, Bianca being with me during this time of dodo-ness was the best thing in the world.
She has been through a lot of confusion and soul searching, and fuck you if you think thats funny.
The people that are most inspiring are the ones that love you when you're not fun, when you're extremely flustered for no reason and panicking because you tried to make scrambled eggs and got yolk on the floor.
On with it.
Happy Birthday Baby.
Backround: Ball Breath.
Olivia Malones Thumb showed up, thank god.
Alex bought me a keychain of a silver lobster that says I Love New York.
Makes sense to me.
Please See TallJon to the left and refer back to TallJake.
They are in no way related.
Wrap your brain around that.
Here is Denise laughing at WeinerDog, further proof that Denise will laugh at anything.
If there was an island where all people do is tell stories about shit that recently happened to them, Stephanie would be the unequivocal mayor of said island.
(like weiner. Anyone? Anyone?)
Your name is Butch.
Why do you look like you're crying?
Butches don't cry.
Not even if they get kicked off the football team or only catch one trout on the fishing trip.
Then this happened.
Berel you are the weirdest manchild I know.
Katie is just someone I have no comment about.
I think her name should be legally changed to Whoops.
*All jokes at the expense of friends are innocently posed.
Supposedly Alex was soon after mauled by the WWF version of my birthday self.
Sam was very very sober and looked like a porcelain doll from heaven.
Jiwonji appears for fairly short intervals then I say, Hey where is Jiwon?
Not where I last saw her.
Sounds like someone.
Bianca passed out from too much cheap vodka and some benadryl I forced her to take for sneezing all fucking day.
Jeylan came home from work and wanted to kill whoever it was playing with my punching bag at 3 am.
Some teenage chicks appeared and that was the weirdest thing ever.
One of them looked like Suri Cruise, which Stephanie kindly pointed out right to her face.
The after hours arrivals are always the fucking weirdos that you're not even tight with, they just wander in all noisy and brazen, usually with nothing to drink or one shoe on. Some bullshit like that.
All in all, things ended quite horribly and once again there are tags on my walls and the smell of beer lingers.
That may also be because the keg is still in the living room half full.
But all clouds have a silver lining.
My silver lining arrived the following day, roundabout lunchtime, when I entered my room where Bianca and Sterp and Lucy had slept.
This is almost enough to force me to go on:
Its totally Sir Didymus and Ambrosious.
All of my love.
Except to you, you know who you are, fuck off.