Monday, December 31, 2007

Burned.

I love how people want to be the topic of blogs. There are liiiiike ehhhhhhhh 20 of you reading this?
Th most interesting thing in the world is finding out what other people think of you. Esp when it starts with....

Amelia is rad.

I just got really distracted. the orange penis-licking cat in the "yard" is fuckin howling and I can't think.


I'm back.
So. Amelia.
She's rad.
I don't remember us meeting back in the days of yore but I really think we did. Maybe at Home Sweet Home. Or some shithole in Brooknah. Likely.
Anyway, that being said, Sterp put me Amelia and Josh in a "chat" together (instant messenger fags unite)
The rest is very amusing history.
We talk about very new agey things, Miss Burns and I.

We both love tarot readings and making up character voices. Amelia does a great impression of lots of things. Sober. She's basically me. Sober. Imagine theeeat!
Did I mention she's sober? Rad. i usually hate sober people because I'm both bored by them and jealous of them. But tisnt the case here.
So anyway she was recently in the city before moving to L Gay (otherwise known as Los Angeles land of a thousand dbags)
Amelia wears raggedy white cowboy boots and fuzzy ponchos. With mad spandex underneath.
She has a distinct charm and an unmatchable ability to NOT be annoying when singing Summertime during a karaoke sesh.
She is overtly sexual yet able to come off exactly the opposite of skanky. Skillz.
She dances and smiles and brings cheer. If the Mickey Mouse Club wasn't so god awful I would say she could lead the troop.
Mrs. Burns takes pictures that are not that flattering but that just shows her fantastic humor. And she seriously sees the world in this super great way that I haven't managed to figure out just yet.
I would get on tappa her if I could.
But we're more like sisters so that would be incest.
I'm down with a lot of shit but ew. Nerp.
I asked her to send me pictures of us doing stuff together. It took her like....2 weeks. What a flake. A flake I want to rest on my shoulder. And never use dandruff shampoo.
I mean that.









not me and Ms Burns, but shouts to Sterp.

Ok, so basically I'm the flake and I don't want to post any other ones.
I'm having one of those days.
What days?
I don't know get off my case.

Here's a nice little snapshot Amelia took of my burning Josh's snow genitals with my cigarette.



In conclusion, tomorrow is New Years Eve and I wish Amelia was here with me.
But thats ok because she lives in a little fairy hut built into this thing under my rib cage. Called my heart.

Tap theat!

I'm really inspired by Ms. Burns and I wish we could do one of three things:
1. run a hippie commune together.
2. be a comedy team
3. start a conceptual band based on our love for eachothers spirits. When I say conceptual I mean over your heads. Suckers.

Do I love Amelia?
Yes.
Is it a little creepy?
Sure.
But the important thing is, it's mutual.
That's what its all about.
Feelings.
And when I am with her I feel like an ecstatic crack baby.


PS. New Years Update:
Sterp will be working the party at Studio B.
I think I hear something.
Oh.
It's just the sound of the angels crying. Joyous joyous tears.
Free booze becomes possible if you just believe. It's kindve like Peter Pan "I can fly" but for grown ups with issues of minor alcoholism.

Yay!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Fam II

Yo.
Fam is fun no shit yea?
My brother Sean is 18 years old. He has a Led Zep den filled with super late 60s shit. Samma shot some photos in there in front of the giant Jim Morrison poster. Nudes obv. I'm willing to bet Sean hates the idea of that.
Sean hates me because I'm his sister. No big deal I'm over it.
Sometimes my sister hates me because I'm not married and I'm a wackadoo.
It's crazy to be the wilin 20 something in NYC with nothing to show and a dumb nieve outlook.
Truth is, I love my people always.
This blog isn't that funny so don't be bummed.
It's just something that needs to be out there.
Tell your blood you love them as much as you can.
The whole "life is short" thing may be total propaganda but what isn't?
Love you fam.

One time my sister threw a giant tape dispenser at my head. She has also dumped a pitcher of juice on my head. Wait, then again, she has also barred me from her life for telling her not to get married.
Another time my brother told me I'm a whore dyke and locked me out in the cold. He also yelled at me many a time for embarrassing him at his little high school swarees.
The rad thing is, I laugh and I know it's just talk. There is no way to say how amazing it is to sit in your mums kitchen drinking vodka and laughing about some old shit only yall know.
Like that time we __________________
and that time we ___________________
ahahahaha you wish that shit was public.
Nothing like an inside joke to make people feel peanut butter and jealz!
Any of you reading this now, you're my fam too thats the truth.
Heart balloons and drinks for evrybaaaady.
Gettin an tappa theeeat asap.


PS jerseys whack!
New Years Eve Slick Rick see you there suckas

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

This is my home.

My prayers have been answered and I am back in Chinatown where there is beautiful silence.
Except for Chinamen loogie hock sounds.
I love my home. I love my bed. I love this city. Wipe a tear from my eye.


Couple things.

I hate Christmas. Christians. And ham for dinner. Ew.

I am very excited for New Years Eve for once. I think I deserve a midnight makeout. If anyone does it's me. Slurp.
And I've got a couple candidates in mind WIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Don't tease the animals.

Sidenote time.
One of my best dear darling cuteness friends has returned from Mexico to save my life. Not really, to work for Reuters big timmmaaaahhhhh. So yay for that. Shes supposed to be my twin but lately when I say that people give me the youre a retard eyeball and go, "ummmmmm yeeeaaaahhh not really?"
You be the judge.


Hearts and balloons.
I can't wait for her to move in and do things that will make me laugh.
And bogart joints. Jaja!
Aherm KATIE ORLINSKY. Take a look at her website she is pretty genius. Yay!


So back to the issue at hand. the craziness is finally over and here is what I learned from the holiday season 2007:
1. Me. Plus my sister. Plus her husband. plus Scott. Equals mayhem? Apparently.
I think it was the Rex Harrison hat that set it off.




2. My sister drinks alot. still funny after all these years.
3. i need my own camera.
4. there is someone i secretly really want to see for the New Year. (blush)
5. I love seeing Nicole and Murph in all of their lesbionic glory.
6. Missing lexapro for 3+ days may kill you
7. I don't want a dog
8. Roommates are like musical chairs. More on that as it develops.
9. I still love vodka sodas.
10. My mother still has not learned how to read a Christmas list. It will not matter if I put that one desired gift in ALL CAPS LIKE THIS********** with arrows. In red. I still will not get it because god thinks those things are funny.

God loves jokes just like me.

Holy Spirit forev.

Most importantly, my niece is the cutest baby ever to live and I want to spend the rest of my life snuggling her fat head.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Rack. Ball.

Rack em rack rack em.

The Night Before Christmas

And all through the house, the fucking dog is freaking out and the behbeh is crying.
And my sister is reading that god damn book to herself outloud.
Awesome.
Thanks to my dear boy Professor Alger for that creepy post.
I realize it's very cryptic.
Tough break.

It's Christmas and though I am a scrooge, I think maybe blogs are to be put aside.
To be continued.
Clark Griswold forever.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

swamiwon

this is cool cool, i blog evey day...
where did you come from... over thier, calll ben @ piers@austin-ents.com
this is the other day...
http://www.scottalger.com/ezac_yale.html

summerdays and summer nights...

Courtesy of scott alger .com

Brule's Rules!



Why didn't you thinka that

Cray Cray.

Seriously.

I get these visions of myself when I wake up after a night out.
Why did you molest the "Ryan Gosling in 20 years" bartender? (because he was a piece)
Why did you annoy the shit out of that cop? (because you like trouble)
Why did you spent that money? (because it burns holes in my purse until I get rid of it)
Why did you say those things? (this question I ask myself more than fathomable)

Why. Exactly. don't know.

Went to see a band called Aloke in Greenpoint last night so Sam could shoot them some more. Ehhhhh. Car service. Brooklyn makes life harder.
This place they were performing at was super weird and I have no idea what it's even there for. There weren't many people there but no big, I was with Sam, and a girl Jess who dates one of the guys in the band. Girl time. Always a treat.
So this band is composed of four precious little bits of genetic success. They are all handsome. How does that work? I don't know or care. It just makes a girl feel fuzzy inside. If you don't get the whole "girls thinking guys in bands are cool" thing, then I just don't know what to say. It's a law of god. I didn't make this shit up.
Anyway, who doesn't love live music?
They were good. If you want to know yourself. aherm.
http://www.myspace.com/aloke
Hilar. Drummer. Face.

As usual, Sam took more pictures than imaginable and people like that.
We hung out, I drank too much (REALLY?! NO.)
Don't die of shock.
This is when I decided that I was in love with the bartender. I had to let him know this by telling him how much I hated his tattoos and by asking him how old he is. When he said 38 I said "Do you live with your mom?"
He totally liked it.
Provocation is sexahhhh.


I'm not even going to get into how obnoxious I was at this bar, it's embarrassing.

We went to some other bar etcetera etcetera. Nothing happened there. Isn't that the way it goes? You have to go to someones personal residence to have maximum funnage.
Went to Jess and Paul's apt which is super cute and spacious.
We took slumber party pictures just the ladies somewhere in there.

Then we did drug talk which consists of saying
"You're so awesome"
"We're totally friends"
"I'm having so much fun, seriously"
Like if you didn't throw in the seriously part, no one would believe you.
Girls are amazing that way.
Anyway, everyone was happy and it was retardedly fun.
Yay for friends.
I recall trying to teach Christian how to dance pepaw style, then Sam yelling at me for always having to lead.
That statement falls into so many truisms of my life.
Then she tried to lead me and kept shouting, "Put your HEAD. on my SHOULDER. Do it."

The Beautiful People. Then run the world we are just living in it.


Boys are fun and girls are fun.
Boys are girls together are the most fun.

Coming home at 5 am is horrible.
The End.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Andys!

I have few great fears.
One that I openly discuss is colossal squid. Another is walking to the bathroom to pee in the night and being attacked by a gigantic wolf in the hall.
Two very unnecessary phobias.
Another fear is boredom. Done and done, we all think being boring or being amidst the boring is horrific. Nuff said on that.
But seriously, when I go to get a haircut...i am AFRAID. I really honestly think the hairdresser will just forget that I said ONE INCH and go to town on my mermaid woodland creature mess. Then I will have to do two things:
1. berate the hairdresser until they look like they will cry.
2. start crying myself AS I berate them, then uncontrollably flee from said salon.

Point is, I want to be a girl-boy. People have been doing it for so long. i really wish I was free enough to know my hair doesn't make me. Nor does my lady ass (which is awesome, I have to say)
If I don't wear mascara to a bar, people will not throw up upon first sight of me.
If I want to, I should wear boys shoes because I like feeling like a horse clomping around.
Being sporty and hilarious and smart should not be words I am afraid to use when I describe myself.
Historically, humans have always been enamored with girl-boys and boy-girls.
Androgyny is by far the most beautiful thing in the universe.
I have always loved a man with long viking hair and twinkly eyes. Grr.
And girls with strong little boy bodies and fitted hats. Tssss!
It's in our blood for sure.
Alchemists, Christians, Kabbahlists, Hindus, Ancient Greeks, get real. They knew.




Ancient pepaw times aside, look at fucking pop culture. That horrid shit spewing fagbag Chris Crocker became famous just because he has frosted hair and wears mad lip gloss. Guhh. People just love looking at those things, it's amazing.And if you can bear to admit it, that bitch is hot. HeShe looks like a fucking retarded Skipper doll in only the best way.
And Crocker is like the margarine of the androgyny tasting tray.
Totally nasty cheap processed boring waste.
American culture has seen some godly andys traipsing around.
David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Mick Jagger, Prince, Grace Jones, etcetera etcetera.
Whatever, just look at this random kid. I have no idea what that is, but it is breaking my heart in 400 hundred pieces of cuteness fragments.


And my personal favorite, the perfect contemporary hot bitch:
(getting. on. tappa. yas.)

Obv Sam West photography.
Shut up all of you, I know, it's getting old but she's seriously a piece and a half.

In conclusion, this was all very gay of me.
xo.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I'll be here all night.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray.
But I live in a black neighborhood so I guess I wear a lot of Ask body spray.

BA DUM CHHHH.


If you want to know what love sounds like listen here.

Monday, December 17, 2007

FAM.

My family is amazing.
I had dinner with my Uncle Brian. He is an actual leprechaun. He exists somewhere between life and death, gold and shit, real and unreal. It's pretty unfathomable.

He came in from Hotlanta for the day for work, and kindly put aside some time for me in the dirty dirty LES.
We always have such a lovely time just talking and laughing and wondering what will happen to us.
He's an earth sign too, a Capricorn, and I think thats what makes it all so excellent. He's a genius with booze in his blood just like me, and it makes life so utterly strange to think...am I bugging from the bottle, or is shit REALLY this intense??
He told me a story about when I was just a wee one and i sat on his lap and he knew we were buddies for life.
Thats what Im talkin bout.

He just published a book about the universe. It's called Small Things by Mr Brian Hoffman. He gave me the first copy as a gift. When I opened it, the first thing I thought was...oh my god....Electric Company comes alive. Also, I am not alone. Serio. Big time.









This shit is so epic, I'm not even sure how to describe it. This man is one of my greatest inspirations, and my confidant.
Anyway, we went to get some drink and dinner at Good World around the corner. Stoli for me, and red wine for my fav uncle.
We talked about the struggle of the intelligent. I was pleasantly surprised to find out next year we may very well be traveling to Reykjavik together for a delve into the new and undiscovered. What a doll.
PS I'll be begging for a place to stay, Jette and my baby girl AURORA xoxoxoxoxo
Life is about change and the comfort of the known all at the exact same time. Get used to it, it is quite unavoidable my friends.
Love you fam.
Gettin on tappa yas asap.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Put on your scuba gear.

Cause shits about to get deep.
So last night I met Pam at the bus stop so we could go get food and dvds for the night.
We ate some Crown Chicken and ice cream and left over Pakistani food and pink frosted sugar cookies. Well, I ate most of it.
Then we smoked a few "cigarettes" and watched Zodiac. That shit confused me. I have trouble making pasta after a "cigarette"or two, nevermind solving an epic cryptic modern crime.
Then Pam and I needed a lil break so we watched the bloopers from Anchorman.
The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Then we took some fantastic bath tub adventure photos which i'm sure are more toddleresque than sexy.
I rolled around for awhile and laughed at the fact that I'm scared to get water in my eyes. I hope Pam thought it was funny too, probably just annoying for her actually. She kept telling me to put my head under and have mermaid hair. Listen, i'm not your puppet, my hair definitely does its own thing. But it was great. All of it.



After that we watched Rescue Dawn. That shit is sad.



Christian Bale's mouth to me is like heaven. Just the way he talks is Krissy hypnosis. I definitely wish I was making out with him later today.
Or just put my fingers in his mouth?
Or watch him talk for a few hours.
All of the above is creepy.
But true story.
He's an Aquarius. Go figure.

So the point is, all that cigarette smoking got me to thinking. Aristotle was basically the first guy to use the medical term "cathartic" to describe emotions...not just in the medical sense of purging oneself.
He used the term to say "this or that is cathartic...I can be purged, cleansed, reborn" Basically.
I mean, the origin, use, and intent of the word itself would be impossible to really get into on some shitty little blog, but to sum up.
Mixing the mary-juana cigarettes, a big bathtub, and your best friend it pretty fucking cathartic if you ask me.

I swear to my friend God, that if you dunk your head under enough times and you're really really really quiet, you can come up a baby again! And this time, you don't even have to cry because you've already got the face of a friend right there in front of you.
Those of you without tubs, you're welcome to come over and try it out in mine. I'm so seriouslah.

Factoid:

This is the funniest show that was ever made.

http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39216f700df0116f8ae17e300aa

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Booze.

I tried to stay away.
i had a killer hangover all day yesterday, it was all the sugar in rum and cokes. Nast.
So I got some pepto bis and sucked it up. I finally got to wear my boob dress, I'm super proud of myself for showing off my rack for once.
So off to BK again I was, Sam Nicole Murph and I got a driver who had no idea which way was up basically. first day on the job. it took seriously 25 minutes to get to Park Slope. Bullshit I tell you.
But Steph had laid out the goods for the holiday and I was super stoked on her brownies. YUM? Yeah.
So I got nicely shitty and hung out with fantastic people, I missed seeing ladies like Biancanater and Kaitlin AKA cutest person ever to live. Neckface was sick and blamed it on AIDS. I invented a new word, Sniffalis. (aherm syphillis)
Farmer needed a shower and Stephanie was bouncing off the goddamn walls. Nothing new.
There was a super hot Asian there who looked like Ruffio from Hook. That was rad. RU-FI-OOOOOOOOO!
Jiwon brought her very loud dog Frankie and Corrine the Jew had Merry XMas bling on. Isn't she racy?!
Rafael took a picture I would really like to get my hands on of all of us ladies with pipe cleaner mustaches. For some reason I had a brownie mustache. That sounds gross but it's totally not. I ate it and Bianca said I'm disgusting. Shut up Bianca.
Then Polish Thunder Supermodel Adrian and i took off to find a dance floor back on the island. I think our goal was 205 or something equally gayish but we ended up eating amazing Pakistani food with smelly cabbies on Crosby. YUM.
Adrian is THE perfect gentlemen, fellers take a lesson. Not only is he a total piece of ass, but he's super sweet and smart. And has fantastic manners.
We strolled and saw a very homo dance party going on in some giant loft with floor to ceiling windows. The door to the building was wide open so we crashed and danced like Europeans for awhile.
There were empty bottles everywhere but not a drop to drink. Bullshit. Who cares it was a dope spot and they played a few of my jams. Adrian loves dancing more than any dude I know. At one point he did a pick me up spin me around move which was totally 80s teen movie of him. What a fucking trip he is. Lub it.
Anyway we passed out at some point and all is well in the morning. I drank mad Gatorade. RIP my dude, I wanna get on tappa yas!
Dr Robert Cade foreva

Friday, December 14, 2007

Happy Endings. Accurate.

So I just got home from Brooklyn and boy is my liver tired.
Super Stephanie put me up at her crib after a night of mayhem.
To begin, all parties should start at 7 pm sharp. It totally makes the night seem endless in a good way.
So....
I get to the Playgirl party at Happy Endings with wet boots and a shitty attitude. Typical.
There's a line. Already. At 7:20.
Just what I need, a girl in line behind me from Canada (of course) starts talking to me about sexy fiction novels having bad endings and "beefcakes". Ugh. What a Canadian.
Anyway, as soon as I walk in I see my gal Corrine looking banging as usual and the ever smiling Felicia. Thank God I don't find her zest for life irritating.
So Felicia is somehow drunk already which is hilar. I go to the bar and the only free shit is some weird Tennessee rum. OOOOOOOOK. Needless to say, pour me a glass lackey, my gullets dry.
So I'm getting drunk as quickly as possible and Corrine nearly passes out which was not cool. That vasovagal response shit is no joke. Poor booski. Whatever, she's fine. Love you.
So Sterp and Chiara and Denise and Jiwon appear and that was great. Good crowd ladies.
Some old smelly fat guy was dancing like a maniac for the whole 3 hour party. He sucked by the way. He seriously also smelled like shit. Then with Chiara as my wingman I stuck a poster of a naked dude with a xmas ball hanging from his dickhole on some guy's back. That made me laugh!
So all in all, it was a good sitch. By the way, I hate downstairs at Happy Endings. That shit makes me feel like I'm tripping. Those lights and the tiled wall rooms...so creepsville.
At the end of the swaree we got some goody bags and guess what I got?! A glittery pink vibe! Word.
I also decided to bring home a copy of the issue so when my heterosexual subletter comes here Jan. 1 I can make him slightly uncomfortable when he goes into the bathroom.
Yay Jokes!

So then we go to see Red Ed at Galapagos in BK. There was some misteltoe party. I never get smooched. I hate BK, but I love Stephanie so I let her boss me around sometimes. I missed the balls out of her these last couple months. True story.
Anyway theres a cover at Galapagays so Corrine and Chiara bounce. And Felicia the Shaderican doesn't pay she just asks to go to the bathroom and dude lets her slide I guess. Aw, Felicia so cute. I get a lot drunker, theres some asshole bands and Denise and Stephanie and I have much fun. We take some holiday pictures with the worst photog ev. I switch over to vodkas and I'm in the danger zone,but no big deal.
Denise makes me laugh. I try to guess everyones zodiac sign, which means I'm housed. I get most of them right except this white supremacist looking dude who bought me a drink. For some reason that annoyed me so I told him he had a receding hair line and that we all hate Sagitarius.
According to Stephanie the night ended with me laying on the wet sidewalk and Denise following suit. Then Mommy Porto put us in a cab and I snuggled up to her all night long. Yay!
I awoke to this at 730 am:




I'm excited for this homemade Chex Mix and brownies. And booze. Girlfriend throws a good holiday party. I wish Libby wasnt in gay Pareee (ahem Paris) because it won't be the same without her.

I think I should hurry up and marry Sterp before some idiot gets their hands on her.
Then she and I and Lucy can live happily ever after the end.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Team Jew!

Frank and Tom's pizza, Heineken, and Ben and Jerry's.
Typical.
Wednesdays are tops.
La Petit Ryan came over with a super present midway between her native Hannakah (sp?) and my Christmas. Jews and Catholics togeth forev.


I'd say a good month ago I told her about how bewildered I am about this whole north south east west phenomenon. Alls I know is, north is uptown and east is homeward. Oh, and galleries are west. And umm.... Brooklyn eats shit?
Jk, Jk, Jk, not jk.
Anyway, Petit gave me the raddest compass so I can stop meandering around intersections trying to look like I know whats up.



I do that whole squint then cell phone check then pretend to be busy foot shuffle thing while I spy all of the street signs and pray I guess which way the partys at.
You all know the deal, I could live in C town til I die, and I will still call you 5o yards from your crib like, "Do I go left or right at the scaffolding?"
"Wait...shutup...I'm FACING Whole Foods...like looking at it...go what way?"
So Petit is basically saving my sanity at this point. She's a total doll. A doll in a Yankees fitted and ass baring boy Levis. And a shit eating Jew grin. Us gentiles don't know a thing about that happiness. We are too busy whipping our own backs around Christmas to be fucking merry like that.
Tis the season!



Now that I've got the holidays poisoning my thoughts, I have to say. Christmas. Movie. Recommendation. I've noticed this whole sexually appealing cornfed yokel thing with dudes in the city. You're not Will Oldham, and you shouldn't want to be, because cousins got about an 8head. He's like the white Tyra. Anyway, if you want the real deal good dirty old cuntry boy rent Bad Santa FORTHWITH. Yes. Forthwith.
BBT (Billy Bob Thornton ahem) is such a piece. I take back that whole Gosling thing, the BBT is the good stuff.

He's my Christmas crack.
AAAAAAND goodnight.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Poosday

So Tally Dead Dead and I were discussing what the weeks all about.
I think Sunday is like torturous early labor, Monday is like the birth, and Tuesday is the horrific pointless afterbirth. Gross, good God, why did you make Tuesdays. Or Ruby Tuesdays for that matter. Imagine being so bum that you are a notch below TGI Fridays in the chain restaraunt pecking order. Hi I'll have the goat cheese fiesta hotdog bites to start. And the shits for dessert.
I always have lame Tuesdays, it's like a universal rule.
Wednesdays are my astrologically in tune days. Never a prob.
Thursdays are why-can't-I-just-call-out-tomorrow days and Fridays are Fridays. Awes.

Tally is probably the best person to have this conversation with though because hes she a creep.
Originally his name was Twirl, but that kind of moniker wears off easily. Tally has been calling me Precious lately, or just Presh. I'm into it. He thinks I will hate it but he's wrong like always.
Tally used to tell the best stories about unloading trucks for a living. He lives in some podunk town in Pennsyltucky and is maybe the raddest thing to come out of the woods since Grendel.
Seriously.
He makes everyone laugh what with his slow mo winking and awkward joke delivery.
The first time he came to my mums in jersey we tried to start fires in the yard and we ate stir fry.
We also found out we speak in a similar retardo language and laughed about salt and pepper shakers the size of garden statues.
Tally looks like Holocaust Jesus but hes way less intense than the image projects. He's like a burst of dandelion scented wind passin through. He shows up in Chinatown eating raw chef Boyardee raviolis babbling about about making music out of old tape recorders, twigs and string.
Tally likes to drink rum and cokes and rubs it in my face that they are about 75 cents at these townie bars he frequents in PA. Sometimes I have to hear about him tripping balls and discovering the universe like a fucking mushroom yogi.

Tally annoys me so much sometimes I just want to break off his Olive Oil legs and beat him with them but then again he's the best thing to ever have found me on the internet. He is such a genius at being alive. Like not actually DOING anything, but having all this stuff to talk about anyway.

And ya can't tap thee-at.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Sidenote

Gift bags are rad. Especially at Playgirl parties apparently.
Thursday, I can't wait for you to come so I can get more things like this




Creepy doorhanger? Check.
Door? Nevs.

Fucking your dad? Jokes on everybody.

"First Item on the Docket"

One of my best friends is really cute, her name is Sam. Hi Sam.
One of my favorite things is hearing Sam laugh at me. Partly because her laugh is rad, and partly because she prompts me to be awesome naturally.
Sometimes we go places and do things, and 9 times out of 10 I embarrass her. But by the sound of the following video, she secretly loves it and her laugher rings in my ears like hells bells. Or heavens bells, whichever sounds more complimentary.

video

Finding this video amongst the shit overrunning my computer, I found it to be something I want to share. It was last spring, before my awesome niece Kayla Lilly Miller was birthed. Me and Sam aka Pam went on a little trip to ATL to visit fat preggo Kate. Whatever, she looked fucking cute. Note the tank top stating: "I can grow people"
The sour puss is probably because me and Sam drank giant Texas margaritas while Kate looked on longingly. Ugh pregnancy what a hassle.

Anyway, the video was from Babies R Us. That store has everything. Super rocking chairs, tiny furniture, slutty baby clothes, creepy toys, etcetera.
Now my booski Kiki Kayla is 6 months old and shes a doll and a half. She basically looks exactly like her dad who's a Good Ole Boy. They have the same hokey lazy eye. So weird and cute. She also looks just like Kate, let's hope she doesn't act like her cause my sister was an absolute tyrant. True story.
Point being....helloooooo? How did it get to be almost holiday-fam-get-together-time and how cute is that intensely magical hair tuft? Psht.
So as I previously eluded, actually outright said... here is some astrology info a la this Monday morning. I have to preempt by saying that I looooove Rick Levine, the head astrologer at tarot.com as well as stariq.com. If you don't know, now ya know. Pick up a book, hes got like 40 of them. No big deal. I swear to my best friend God, Ricky is the shit. Please google his image, I would post it on here but I would rather you look yourself because I'm not your personal photo assembler. Ok, so here's what sexy old Ricky says for all of us today: (its called an overview, do like Monica said and Don't Take It Personal) Damn who misses Monica? I do I do!

12/10/07—This intense day begins with the Moon joining optimistic Jupiter and passionate Pluto the day prior to an intense conjunction between these two powerhouses. We want to be responsible when the Moon enters ambitious Capricorn at 1:50 pm EST, but it may be impossible to settle down and follow through with our commitments as mental Mercury tensely squares erratic Uranus. Although we are restless, self-discipline may help prevent unexpected consequences.

Ok, so I guess being restless is pretty uncool so be on the lookout. When I think restless, I think of the time I went on this nightmare date, and dude took me to the most cliche "I'm edgy" bars and was straight up wearing the La Lohan head band. He looked like a doughy Egyptian Michael Jackson. He had the quasi fat guy walk. Where like, he sways and sticks out his butt like a baseball player. Forget the money, I would NEVER get on the MLB action simply because of their great big asses. Not gettin on tappa yas? Check.

Alls I know is, let's show discipline. After lunch, get on your fuckin bike and ride like you've got the wings of a pheonix basically. Go get a damn job. If you have one, awes. Lets do dinner.
Either that or go make something cool and artsy for me to hang in my opium den of a dining room. I doubt there will ever be a dine situation at that crackhead looking table.

Re: the NEW MOON.
I've got some questions for Rick....aren't new moons supposed to be cleared air and better vibes? Because I have had the doody vibes for about a week now. I think my friends hate me because I have flaked on every plan I had. Public apology: I was a jerk.


So new moon goes like this here:
This New Moon in Sagittarius marks a break from tradition as the desire for change overcomes the desire to stick with comfortable old habits. Finding small ways to experiment reduces the pressure to make radical moves or get locked down in a futile pattern of resistance to the unfolding future. We are entering unfamiliar territory and the rewards of moving through uncharted waters are excitement, freedom and discovery.

Arthur Loureiro, New Moon Spirit 1888

If you usually have eggs benedict, get the omelette. If you usually use Durex, get Rough Riders. At the very least your man will get a laugh out of it, seeing how skank you are. Opportunities for laughter, thats where its at. Let's all throw in and get an old timey clipper ship and sail the seas of Mystery. Aha perfect segue, it was meant to be. I definitely have to chat on this book I am juuuuust about done reading about pick up artists, in particular the one, the only MYSTERY of VH1 "fame." This guy wears heeled biker boots and faux fur cheetah print floppy hats.These guys are the ill homo nerds but they are getting more clam than diggers. True story.

OK, I'm distracted by the rad jazz music my two year old buster is playing on the other side of the room. This kid is a trip. He just said "Listen Krissy it's like Monsters Inc!"
He's definitely holding down the new moon. Thats where its all swirling around in there.
Freedom and discovery.
Genius.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

LAST SUPPAHHHHH

Um yeah, forgot to mention why it is i'm so not impressed by this weekend . Because last weekend included a re-enactment of The Last Supper a la Olive Garden.
No witty phrasing needed to explain, this was obviously a golden moment for everyone in attendance.Including the weird people sitting nearby who pretended they werent into it but totally were. Obnoxious funny is my forte. As for everyone else at the table, the same could easily be said. Buncha jerks. Awesome jerks.
I should also throw in the fact that I brought a flask to the garden to mix vodka and sprite.
If thats not class, please. Tell me. What is.





Speaking of class, I also got the jpegs of the nudey shots that will be in some Chinese magazine, courtesy of the ever sexy and talented Samantha West.
Hi mom!