Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Jesus loves porn too.

Ugh I love Heineken.
I deserve it I walked 6.5 miles today. Lay off.

So yeah, good tale, good tale.
Yesterday I'm DEEEEAD asleep on the M15, really close to home by the time I wake up, I'm right around Grand and Allen.
OVER the sound of my ipod gently playing my nappy nap playlist, I hear extremely excited Chinese chatter. OK, nothing new, I live in CHINATOWN.
Not the point.
I can tell without even cracking an eyelid that one of the conversationalists is def a white girl. I don't know how I can tell, just can.
So yeah, abnormal to the maximum.
I am so disturbed by the volume of her voice. Shes talking to a crotchety old guy with a serious lost and found type get up on. I think he's wearing lady pants.
I am now in nosy mode.
I still look like a sleeping underground rodent though, I have rain hair and dark eye syndrome. I probably looked stoned. I wasn't.
Anyway, weird white girl is staring at me. Like gently. I assume shes just another lady lover, they are all super into me. I don't lie about this.
She looks at me with this fucking genuine smile and says, "You look like a princess! Your hair and your pretty face!!"
Exclamations necessary, this chick is amped.
She looks exactly like Topanga from Boy Meets World. And sounds like her. She is a robot sent to Earth to kiss babies and organize potlucks and when she frowns the angels weep.
OK so I def don't get it.
Then suddenly she reveals herself.
She sits down next to me, I'm literally rubbing the funk and death from my face guuhhhhhh and shes asking me what I do, where I live, how old I am. Um, duh, RELIGIOUS ZEALOT.
Now I'm onto her but I play along for blog material's sake. Jaja!
Yay play along time!
So I ask how she knows fluent Chinese. She tells me she just came to NYC from Hong Kong where she was a fucking missionary. She just "picked it up."
Now I ask where shes from.
You know the answer.
Hm ya don't say.
Now for the gold. Oh, so, whats your denomination?
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Now that the cats out of the bag, she gives me the Jesus speech. She looks so happy she could pee herself.
Then she asks for my phone number and gives me a Jesus card.
WOW. Amazing. I felt like I was talking to the Tom Cruise of Mormons. Recruit, recruit, come to the lord!!!!
It was amazing.

So yeah, I love the bus.

In related news, tomorrow is yet another celebration of cock, a Playgirl party!! Sex toys!

Yours truly will certainly be in attendance, and will of course give the deets.
Corrine, I love your job. And I love these parties. They are full of sassy bitches and bad dancers. And creepy decorations.
And once again, its a Happy Endings, I don't know why but its all so fitting.

I would like to share this with the universe. Little O has been wearing a superman shirt for days and I want to absorb his cuteness and swim in it like a pool of glorious magical unicorn peepee. Thats exactly how I feel about it.

The universe is simply a pile of sadness without people like him.
I think we should all get real jobs and hubbies and pump some of these out with a quickness.
Yay growing up!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Hit Me Up On My MuthaFuckin MahSpace.

The downfall of society is in young white women who hate themselves.
Imitation of ghetto speak does not make you an honorary black person, it makes you a bigot and a fool.
Racism at its very darkest is found in horrible imitation.
The assumption of young foolish white girls that black people are only violent angry and poorly spoken is a bit too widespread for my liking.
I have never been black, at least not in this life, but I will assume that people like this are absolutely the most disgusting annoying site. If I ever meet this girl I will first laugh, then cry, then throw her in a dumpster because that is the only place she could ever feel at rest. Amongst hot stinking garbage.
Her ignorance is sickening, especially due to the fact that we Americans are blessed with at least a decent education from the age of 5 years old. I would guess she is about 14 maybe 15, so despite nearly a decade of guidance in the English language, she can not seem to get out a single word without fucking it up. Good job.
Her meth face scares me and I think I should stop talking about her before she haunts my sweet sweet sleep with her agonizing voice and lazy eyelids.

That being said, I have known plenty of girls like this and I hope they all wake up at some point.
Yes, I get it, you obviously hate yourself. Congrats, we all hate you too.
And we are all laughing.

Fucking Matt Damon was not that funny.

This is.
Actually funny.

Side note: Brad Pitt will be hot until he dies. Then he will still be hot until he decomposes. We should probably put him in a clear glass human sized vile filled with formaldahyde when hes dead and we should display it in the center of Times Square.
Then we should all stand around it singing the Divynyls "I Touch Myself"

Monday, February 25, 2008

Information Buffet

This is all gonna taste like shit and you're gonna like it!

First of all, I have nearly made it to the end of my first month with my newest roommate. He is so Portland. I've never been there, so I'm just imagining really. He helped me clean the house the other day, and no, it didn't make his penis fall off. Boys take a mental note of that. The friendship was cemented in two ways:
1. He watched my PeeWee dvd by choice, I didn't have to talk him into thinking it is cinematic comedy gold.
2. He saw me drunk crying on Wednesday and didn't bat an eyelash. I imagine his insides crumbled a little with fear and disgust, but he has yet to call me on it. Success!

I think I seriously fell off a little bit in terms of behaving myself. I got into a fantastic death match with Berel a few days ago, fueled by a mixture of vodka sodas and anger that a friend of his had answered his phone pretending he had been brutally attacked and was being taken to the hospital. People who think those things are funny are one of two things: an asshole or a fucking idiot. Upon seeing said friend who orchestrated the joke, I am willing to bet he is both. Needless to say, I think my body pumps RedBull, or one of those creepy hip-hop energy drinks, because I beat Berel's ass into submission for letting someone make a fool of me. I am no fool sir, no fool.

I don't know if that story makes sense.
But I eventually forgave, forgot, drank some beer, and and ran around the apartment in a purple silk nightie terrorizing the universe.

Speaking of drinking, I saw my favorite uncle last week, who Bianca has now labeled Druncle. Genius.
He is my favorite drinking partner because we both call the waitress over once the glass is half full. It's like a race to being beligerent.
I also don't want to talk about drinking anymore because it's pathetic.

I like to eat giant scramps with my vodka. It feels so waspy.

So Saturday was the 6 year anniversary of Lit aka Lit's funeral.

Sex in the USSR.

Denise of the Darkness.

Liv Denise and I sat around Liv's apartment talking about very important topics. We probably should have just stayed home because there is nothing to do at Lit except take drugs and sit downstairs chainsmoking. There was a guy sitting across from us at one point who I thought looked like Jack from Lost. Apparently I am just watching way too much Lost because I got told he had no resembalance whatsoever. This led to a breakdown of the sexiest men on Lost and I felt very middle America. Despite his black stubble and Keith Urban highlights, I still say Sawyer is ass and a half.
Also the Korean guy Jin is a total dreamboat.
Um....talking about other people time I guess...
Upstairs Pia took 8thousand pictures and that was cute. Blog it out Pia Pet. We saw Andrew Porter, hi Missing In Action good to see you again. I felt like I was in a time machine when he didn't remember who I was for a hot second. People always say I've changed my hair?? Um no not really, but a did dump a shitty boyfriend since you last saw me, so maybe its just that I'm not scowling and crying. That was my old look BTW. Grump.
Jiwon stood around being the coolest person in the room with some amazing nerd glasses. Her legs are the thinnest things I've ever seen. They look like sexy linguine.
There was a point where I'm pretty sure the dj played marching band music for a good 10 minutes and I would rather have plugged my ears with daggers covered in glass shards. Complainmania. Who cares.

Ah. Back to hot Koreans. There was some super tall, so I though attractive Korean guy talking to me and I guess I let him kiss me and walk me home. This is still gay Lit night we are covering. After walking me home which is literally one mile, he got mad at me for not "taking it to the next level"
Oh, I'm really sorry hot guy I don't know at all. I should have assumed that the payback for walking and conversation with a disgusting pig like me would be at the VERY LEAST a quality hand job. Hm. I think that I am turning over a new leaf. And this leaf is from the branches of the You're a Pig Don't Fucking Touch Me Tree.
Goodnight and good riddance. Have fun getting back to Queens, cause its Friday after midnight and the F train is out of commish pal. Go fuck yourself.
Some people are just totally assumptive and I think thats gross. The End.

Best news is, Katie just got home from Miami/Fort Lauderdale doing her New York Post duties and she brought me the social pages from some local mag covering a fabrege egg event. WHAT A DREAM.

enter piece of shit sex joke here.

Its my 69th post.
Wednesday I got a little crazy and went on a bender I guess so I have been out of commish.
Honestly, I've been watching back to back episodes of Lost on the internet, eating huge amounts of takeout and talking about boys on instant messenger.
But I talk about other things too so its officially not that sad.

For the first time this year, I sense spring coming in a totally palpable way. My hormones are actually what made me realize more than anything, but also all of this rustling around. Like the inhabitants of the city and yawning and stretching and poking their nappy heads out of the caves like, "Where can I get a burrito and a beer around here? I'm hungry bored and ready to procreate lets get a move on."

I have some rad stuff to talk about and a few awful pictures, some provocative in nature!
Now that you're actually reading this mom, it will all become more hilarious because embarrassing you is one of my greatest talents and most guilty pleasures.

Basically what I'm saying is don't give up on me. I will be back tonight with funny stories involving weird people, koreans, drugs, making out, fighting, druncles, etcetera.

eternally fuctioning,

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lunar things happening

Credit: NASA

In the late night hours of Feb. 20, 2008, a total lunar eclipse will dazzle the night sky. And this lunar eclipse may be worth staying up for, because it will be the last one until December 2010.

A lunar eclipse occurs when the Earth lines up directly between the sun and the moon, casting a shadow over the moon's surface. The February 20, 2008 eclipse will last for nearly 3 and a half hours. For a full 50 minutes of that time the moon will be in totality - the period when the lunar surface is completely covered by the Earth's shadow.

During an eclipse the moon changes color, going from a light gray color to an orange or deep red shade. This is totality. The moon takes on this new color because indirect sunlight is still able to pass through the Earth's atmosphere and cast a glow on the moon.

* a video from lunar eclipse last year in Hawaii

Residents of the Americas, Europe and Africa will have the best view of this eclipse.

Here in the United States, the entire eclipse will be visible for the majority of the country. However, residents on the West Coast will miss out on watching the early stages of the eclipse, as it begins before moonrise.

This Wednesday night, hope for clear skies, try to stay awake and enjoy a spectacular lunar eclipse. Laura Motel
NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center

And now for the part I say is AWES. I am literally shaking with nerd excitement. This is a lunar eclipse in Virgo, my birth sign. I think I just peed in my pants.
Astrologically speaking TADAA:

7:31pm PST 1º 53’
Total Lunar Eclipse
7:26pm PST 1º 50’

This is the Full Moon of healing and service. Virgo understands that disease manifests itself in societies as well as in individuals. There is so much dis-ease in our world and we all need to awaken to our role as healers. This is especially true on this Full Moon in Virgo, with a total lunar eclipse. The soulful, peacemaking Pisces Sun opposes the scientific, nature-based healing Virgo Moon. What a perfect night to release your New Moon in Aquarius intentions for radical change (especially if they revolve around health issues) and celebrate the hard work you have done over the last two weeks toward these goals.

The first lunar eclipse of 2008 is perfectly placed for observers throughout most of the Americas as well as Western Europe. The entire event is visible from South America and most of North America. Western Europe and northwest Africa also see the entire eclipse. Go to NASA’s Eclipse page for more information

Eclipses co-mingle the energies of Moon and Sun, often creating disturbing or intensified effects. The Pisces Sun rules a spectrum of experience ranging from pure transcendence, selflessness, unconditional love, to addiction, co-dependency, denial and fantasy. These energies literally cover and hide the energy of the practical, analytical Virgo Moon; veiling this Moon’s clarity and grounded reality-based thinking.

On this Full Moon, the Sun in Pisces opposes the Moon/Saturn conjunction in Virgo. This opposition enlivens the integration of healing through transcendence and attending to bodily health. But it may also bring up more negative feelings of inertia/limitation due to the perfectionism of Virgo and the negations/denials of Pisces.

This year the Moon and Sun are joined respectively by the South Node in Leo and North Node in Aquarius. Along with Pluto in Capricorn (transformation through concrete action) and Mars in Gemini (swift diversified actions) these planets create a powerful mystic rectangle. This configuration requires us to walk the path of mindful inquiry, in a fully-embodied yet open-minded way, in order to realize our unbounded potential. The Venus/Mercury (heart/mind) conjunction and Chiron/Neptune (transcendent healing) in Aquarius provides the fuel for the mind to awaken to Buddha nature. On the other hand, if your agenda is wasting time partying with drugs and alcohol, Saturn in Virgo and Pluto/Jupiter in Capricorn will bring you right back to reality by showing you the true harmful and useless nature of substances.

So let’s talk a bit about Virgo, which most people consider perfectionistic, critical, analytical, organized, discriminating, scientific, empirical, and calculating. In truth, we all express our Virgo side when we strive to be our best. Virgo is the healer, the doctor, the nurse, the teacher, the therapist, the worker, the researcher, the scientist, and the engineer. Virgo is the true healer of the zodiac because in its mind, if it causes pain, it warrants attention and a cure. For Virgo, caring comes in the form of finding workable solutions to everyday problems.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

a Monster Sure to Scare You.

This morning around 7:30 I went into the bathroom to shower and I looked in the mirror and all I saw emblazoned in my mind was

"you catch more flies with honey"

Hence my morning post.
What in the holy hell would make that be my first sensical thought of the waking day?
I have been known to spout really long insane dream interpretations as a reflection of my slumber, but pepaw life lessons? Not oft.

Even stranger, I am not the nicest person around. I have never been one to say that being a peach gets you everywhere. I am much too brutally honest to spend time sugar coating. I would rather just tell it how it is and risk a good ol' punch in the head.
At the very least, it's a hilarious story for future use.

Who was the granny in the mirror this morning thats what I wanna know.

So I thought about it, more subconciously than anything.
I took the kiddies to the park and it was blustery. There were these families just hanging out, being alive, whatever families do. There were hip dads, which are the new hip moms, which are the new CEOs and secretary fuckers. I enjoyed observing. I twirled around on the tire swing for awhile, nothing much happened. Ate some lunch, drew a book with Susu that we titled Monsters Sure To Scare You. Watched some Curious George, took the bus home....nothin. I even listened to Annie Lennox on the bus home. Really? Yes. I could not get to my inner cupcake.
Not a fucking INKLING about why anyone should bother sweetening up for the sake of humanity. I love people, I really do, especially smart, funny, loyal, charming, sincere ones.

So I watched some episodes of Lost, started writing a blog about this art I really like, of cellular photography. What? No, that wasn't the point of today. The point was, why in the world did my heart tell me to catch more flies with honey? I am such a piece of shit, I don't get my own thoughts, no wonder people are flabbergasted by my crap theories and assumptions. Self loathing! Awes!
JK JK JK I'm golden, ask my mom.

Then it just came to me out of nowhere at all.

There are people I have grown to care for leaving the city. There are people who make me smile and laugh going away, and what is more awful than that?
But, its not awful. Its only awful if I try to hate them for going.
Its awful if I hurt them before I can boohoo boohoo about their departure.

Not to be all Terms of Endearment/Steel Magnolias/chick flick vomit town, but its true.
If I want to be happy, I have to take what I can get and be fucking sweet about it.

Bitterness tastes like shit.
Everybody knows that.


You catch more flies with honey.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Thats what she said

I got sick thank you very much a certain someone gave me germs.

So yeah I went out anyway for a quiet evening of kareOKAY at Chiaras.
I drank too much.
I say that once a week. Last night was the once. Bad sentence structure.

So yeah, Bianca is the kareokay gestapo, she has to control things probably because she is a good singer and wants it to be totes sers. (serious) I think that abbreviation sucks.
I am losing my voice so I sang male vocals. Yup. I also tried to sing Brick House because it is my moms cell phone ring and that fucking grosses me out.
Moving on.
Best part of kareokay was singing Proud Mary. During the instrumental bridge there is this little graphic on the screen of a guy playing guitar.
Chiara: Hey that guy looks like Conan O Brien
Steph: Hey lets sing Conan instead of rollin
Everyone: Good idea.

"Conan....Conan.....Conan O Briennnnnnnn"
(replacing rollin....rollin....rollin on a rivahhhhhh)
Good call guys.

i don't know what is going on here but Chiara's apartment is really pretty.

Raphael can not rap. Its really sad. He can't even really rap Because I Got High which is basically slow enough that STONED PEOPLE can sing it. But Raphael makes up for it with effort and charm.
Chiara does a mean Ludacris.
Some parts of DoWop(that thing) are really hard to sing when you are drinking.
Side note: The song Peaches and Cream is disgusting. They actually say something along the lines of "girls represent your clits." Um. Okay?

Blah Blah.

This is Bianca on the bus. This is the only face she ever makes at me. I mean it.

So we went to Supreme Trading for a minute for some Chief party and I hadnt been there in ages. I thought the dj was fucking AWWWWful for awhile but he redeemed himself by playing dancing drunk girl jams. I like dancing. I really really really do. I also hate the way most white people dance at bars. They overuse the Flail. Stop flailing.
Andy was there. I like to see Andy because he reminds me of someone who should be famous for something but isn't. And thats interesting to me. Point made.

We went to Union Pool for awhile to get unbored i think.
I really love my friends in brooklyn but why do men there dress like such assholes?
Biancas friend came over to say hello, I thought he was a stranger. He had a greasy old timey moustache like a prospector (yesss)
So natch, I say Hey go twist your fucking mustache and laugh HYSTERICALLY at myself. This is why I should be kept at home.
Then Steph and I imitated both Laura Dern and the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.
We did lots of jumping. Onto both Rapael and Bianca. Bianca does not like this. There is room outside for all of these thing at Union Pool. That is a plus.
I think Felicia tried to gently tell me that I drink too much.
Oh Felicia, thats cute.

I wish I had the pictures of this but I was too busy having fun to stop and document it. Take note people who need to photograph everything: you are a dbag and there is no way you are doing anything cool ifyou have the ability to photo it and look pretty. Just wanted to throw that out there.

So I made a hot mess of myself and Felicia and Chiara and Bianca and Ruffio and that guy Felicia hangs out with who looks like maybe hes a cool skydiver all left.

The night ended at some diner and I embarrassed Stephanie once again. We must play our roles.

I ate alot and talked to some hood fellas who looked about 16 but tried to get cute with me anyway. Nice try young buck. Get to class.Psht.
We called LA Jew Jash to tell him someone needs to get on tappa his cayck.

4 in the morning is a very funny time.

Raffie like butts.

My new roommate is going to hate me for being sick and blowing my nose way too audibly.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Are you there God? its me Krissy.

This is what happened last night.
It is by far the most revealing and intimate thing about myself I would/will ever put on some stupid blog. And that makes me feel very silly.
But I want my friends to feel how I feel, because it is wonderful.

kristycottonly (3:11:27 AM): i am crying!
kristycottonly (3:11:35 AM): i had a dream!
gosling83 (3:11:39 AM): WHY
gosling83 (3:11:41 AM): what?//
gosling83 (3:11:43 AM): what happened?
kristycottonly (3:11:57 AM): i could hear morrissey
kristycottonly (3:12:14 AM): and i saw a white egg frying but it had been two eggs
kristycottonly (3:12:19 AM): and it looked so lovely
gosling83 (3:12:24 AM): yes
kristycottonly (3:12:50 AM): and then the two eggs began to get cut apart lkike razored into two separate shapes
kristycottonly (3:13:07 AM): and a male voice from far away whispers
kristycottonly (3:13:18 AM): dont, im afraid!
kristycottonly (3:13:25 AM): becasuse they are separating
kristycottonly (3:13:33 AM): ad a female whispers
kristycottonly (3:13:41 AM): we have to it is ok
kristycottonly (3:13:48 AM): and the male whisper says no no
kristycottonly (3:13:51 AM): and is so afraid
gosling83 (3:13:56 AM): wow
kristycottonly (3:13:58 AM): and it keeps cutting
kristycottonly (3:14:14 AM): and suddendly it sparates an it in constaellatioins in the sky
kristycottonly (3:14:33 AM): and time in going slowly ro my eyes but its like years
kristycottonly (3:14:36 AM): but no time
kristycottonly (3:14:47 AM): ans then the two shapes collide and become a new thing
kristycottonly (3:14:57 AM): like a cluster
kristycottonly (3:15:11 AM): and the female whisper says i cxan feel you!
kristycottonly (3:15:30 AM): and they are happy and they are in and out of the screen in my head
gosling83 (3:15:40 AM): i odnt even know what to say
kristycottonly (3:15:41 AM): and then back and hit someone else and become another thing
gosling83 (3:15:45 AM): just save this concersation
kristycottonly (3:15:54 AM): but with some of their peices still togther
kristycottonly (3:15:57 AM): with some blue
kristycottonly (3:16:00 AM): and some animal
kristycottonly (3:16:08 AM): and some eactother
kristycottonly (3:16:25 AM): i can feel they happy and whole in their hearts!
kristycottonly (3:16:30 AM): and i work up crying!
gosling83 (3:16:39 AM): a bad cyring?
kristycottonly (3:16:42 AM): and i could still hear music that was in my head
gosling83 (3:16:43 AM): or a overwhlemed crying
kristycottonly (3:16:48 AM): overwhelmed
gosling83 (3:16:50 AM): with all of this?

gosling83 (3:16:52 AM): are you ok?

kristycottonly (3:16:59 AM): yes i just woke up tinking
kristycottonly (3:17:09 AM): i must have seen this somewhere
kristycottonly (3:17:09 AM): but where?
kristycottonly (3:17:11 AM): i dont know
kristycottonly (3:17:21 AM): i thought it ws a memory of something like a movie
kristycottonly (3:17:24 AM): but its not
gosling83 (3:17:44 AM): it sounds like a strange sceience film
kristycottonly (3:17:53 AM): it wasnt eggs like human in the begginning in was like a chicken egg with no yolk
kristycottonly (3:18:06 AM): i sw them crack and sizzle a little
kristycottonly (3:18:15 AM): just had to clarify that
gosling83 (3:18:32 AM): i asssumed it was chicken eggs
kristycottonly (3:18:36 AM): and i cant think of the morrissey song
kristycottonly (3:18:40 AM): i can hear it a little
kristycottonly (3:18:45 AM): its like the saddest song
kristycottonly (3:18:50 AM): but not
kristycottonly (3:18:53 AM): its sweet
gosling83 (3:19:49 AM): i just hope you are ok though
gosling83 (3:19:53 AM): not shaken to omuch or anything
kristycottonly (3:20:08 AM): im fine now
gosling83 (3:20:13 AM): ok
gosling83 (3:20:14 AM): good
kristycottonly (3:20:18 AM): i ws just so something
kristycottonly (3:20:24 AM): and i wanted to tell you
gosling83 (3:20:52 AM): thank you
gosling83 (3:20:54 AM): i am glad you did
gosling83 (3:20:56 AM): i felt the rush
gosling83 (3:20:59 AM): if that makes any sense
gosling83 (3:21:02 AM): i am glad you remembered it
kristycottonly (3:21:22 AM): yes
gosling83 (3:21:55 AM): are you going to go back to sleep
kristycottonly (3:22:02 AM): yes
gosling83 (3:22:10 AM): ok good
gosling83 (3:22:18 AM): go to sleep
gosling83 (3:22:21 AM): lets talk tomorrow
gosling83 (3:22:22 AM): love you
gosling83 (3:22:24 AM): thank you for sharing
gosling83 (3:22:25 AM): xxxx
kristycottonly (3:22:30 AM): love you xx

* so I went through and played a bunch of Smiths songs trying to see which one it was in my dream.
It was There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.

It feels very foolish to have faith until you remember why you do.

Get on tappa theeat.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

my penis only has a tip.

dopehead Thursday approaches!

I think some of you fiends out there will recognize the bootychemicals!
In honor of Valentines Day lets explore the three phases of THE disease (love)

* Information gathered from BBC News

The first phase of love is LUST.
Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women.

Ok, so if this is true, we should not be so uptight about the meet and snug.
You now what i mean.
Like "ohhhh we shouldn't mess around until we've reeeeally gotten to know eachother."
Because I'm pretty sure your chemmies say, "Hey kids, it's only natch!"

The second phase of love is ATTRACTION.
This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:

Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine

Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing

Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane

I think if i was a dj, I would be called DJ Seratonin Maximus.
I also think it's weird to associate coke and cigarettes to attraction.
Coke and cigarettes make me want to talk in a dim room and act like a hamster wearing eyeliner.
Meaning not attractive. nothing attractive about it. The hampster with eyeliner thing is nonsensical from the outside but in my mind it makes perfect sense. Like burrowed away with stimulants and dark holes for eyeballs.

Also, sex and sweating for me totally mix, but I don't know if that is something anyone else is into admitting.
Don't lie to yourself.

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn't possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they'd never get any work done!

Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments:

Oxytocin - This is released by the hypothalamus gland during child birth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes

Vasopressin - Another important chemical in the long-term commitment stage. It is an important controller of the kidney and the assists in the bond of the long term relationship

Is it just me, or does this seem to be all about sex?
I think maybe part of it has to do with the fact that it's gathered from BBC News and Europeans are weird hornballs.
So basically, if you are not having orgasms with someone, its not gonna work out. You can't spew oxycontin or whatever. Good LORD, imagine if we produced oxycontin from sexual peakage. The entire midwest would be doing it all day and night, jarring up their orgasm powers and tripping out. Junkies!!
But it's not oxycontin,its oxytocin and thats good enough for me.
I hope it really does release during childbirth because an orgasm would definitely help the sitch when youre trying to wedge a human out of a little hole like that.

Being in love is so lovely sometimes, I really want to be.

That was my serious self testing the waters to see if she can come out. But I think not.

Ew, Valentines.

Aw. Valentines.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I am watching your emotions.

Not sure why it's fiercely snowing right now, but it totally is.
Today has been super weird, so it works I guess.

Side note: Scott is officially the worst guest blogger in history. Also, laserbeams. Not lazerbeams. What a nut.
But sometimes I feel like two peas in a pod.

Here is the other pea, but he was not in the pod last night.
I guess we podded Thursday. Podded!
Hi Gary I heart you daily.

Wait, there is too much going on.
Corrine's 90s karaoke party was last night. First things first.
iBop is an awesome place.
I really wish i had pictures.
That's a hint, friends who did take pictures.
My favorite part was singing Mr. Big with Chiara.

I don't really have anything funny to say about it, it was just a nice party.
Until I went outside to smoke with Rafael and some drunk lady from Philly with horrendous eye makeup attacked my brain.
She started telling me about a fat lady yelling at her and how much she loves Peyton Manning and getting kicked out of the bar for sitting next to someones boyfriend. I said they probably kicked her out for getting into everyones face and she literally moved CLOSER to my face, breathed her fumes on me, and was like "NOOOOOOOO MAN. NOOOO WAY."
Then she hugged the shit out of me, told me she loved me, and went back into the bar.
She wore no coat.
Crazy keeps you super cozy warm in the winter.

So thats around the time I decided to go see Mr Alger. That was fun too.
Chatty chat chat.
Then Ari/Arlo/Arla/Aaron stopped by and he and Scott blew my mind with their weirdness for a few hours.
I think I made them listen to Radiohead for a long time. Ari put on some trance shit and I almost fell off of the cliff that doesn't exist. Trance? The word, not even the music, hurts my soul just knowing it exists. It's like crappy black magic for nerds or pillheads.
Striking fear into my heart!

We went to Pathmark for pastries and kosher meats. That is not a joke, its just one of the activities we partook in.
I wanted to watch Pride and Predjudice but I think that would have been too gay.
So I read Ar dogs cards instead. He was quizzical about it. I was drunk.
I think I had lots of fun yesterday in general.
But today my brain hurts.
Tried to do brunch at the diner and it didn't work so we just ate 2 bites and left. Then we stood by the statue in Ctown of that drug fighter chinese guy Lao Xe Zu or whatever. And watched the dragons come in the parade.
Then there were some drums which I liked, and a dude wearing normal clothes carrying a sign that said Happy New Year from your local assemblyman Mr Blah Blah.
Then 20 steps behind, Mr Blah Blah and his wife walked and waved like we know who they are. It was really old timey. I think they had corsages on. Cute alert.

Then I saw this sign. And it is now and always will be the greatest thing I have ever seen.

The End.

Saturday, February 9, 2008


fields of flowers blooming, i love liquid lazerbeams, eletricthiought stuff,,,

krissy says yeah miiiiiiiiyne lets do this.

My name is you

I stumbled across something pretty amazing this morning.
There is a bar called No Idea. Apparently they have a one legged bartender?
Not the point.
The point is they have a calendar for every month. On each day, there is a first name posted. If thats your name, you drink FREE for SIX HOURS. Yeah. 5-11 pm. Side Note: They make their mixed drinks in pint glasses.
Meaning you might end up tongue bathing old one leggy before you leave.

This month:

A few dear pals of my happen to have their names on there.
That means lets do this.

I am in Jers about to go buy wool socks and Target unneccesaries with my mum, so my tales of Thursday night at old haggard 205 will have to wait until later. Totes worth it.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


That chickenscratch says happy new year in Chinese!
Dragons that look like dogs (Falcor?) shitty parades and wet streamers in the gutter!
Who could ask for more?!

I would like to take a moment to say that I fucking love my neighborhood, despite all of the loogeying and nonsensical screaming. Chinese people are more hilarious than anyone else I know. They are so uncouth that they make me look like a virginal Victorian belle. I am never let down. There are 300 year old Chinese women wearing house slippers and polyester short sleeve tops in the dead of winter. There are stores on every corner selling 48 packs of sandpaper to wipe your ass with. They call it toilet tissue. It is hilarious and comforting to know that there is an alternate universe where you can get into street fights over heineken-fueled battles of mahjong. On a Monday night. In the street. Natch!

Matter of fact I am drinking one right now in honor. Cheers.

There are at least a hundred Dragonball Z! styled Asian teens in the "internet cafe" next door at all times. Seeing them chain smoke in front of their tricked out Hondas is something I come to look forward to. Bless you, anime.

Actually, that shit is Japanese, no?
It doesn't matter, it's all about the haircuts.
Gotta catchem allllll!!! Poke mon!

Another rad/gross phenomenon of the Chinese New Year is that it sends out some weird signal to the gods of the seagulls because they come SWARMING in like homing pidgies. I swear to bf G.D. this is what I saw when I got off the bus yes I take the bus lots of people take the bus get with it

This does absolutely no justice.

Aside from that, there are many things to discuss but absolutely no time in the day.
I have really important things to do like watch season 1 of Lost.
Sorry asshole, I don't watch enough tv to be caught up, I have never seen the shit before a few days ago, and its intense. I'm so with the theory that its purgatory or something.
That was very watercooler 2005 right there.

I'm just gonna sidle over there to talk to those culturally retarded folks about "electric cars" and "the information superhighway"

Year of the reeeat!
Can't tap theeeat!

rat gangs!

pictures to come after Sunday's dirt parade!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Align your shit!

The general concensus re: February is that it's awful.
All of my friends (I have so many that I can generalize the world population based on their feelings)
are very ho-hum about this month.
It's just not happening. It's the opposite of happening. This month is like 28 Tuesdays all in a row plus lost keys, constant gas, guilt trips, cry fests, losing a fist fight to a midget, and getting dumped every night by your lover. Awes. BFD.

Don't fret my little chicadees, I think it's going to get a little better.
Today is the new moon, thats always a good thing. Good time for making desicions because your logic is as tops as it's gonna get. Yay!

It's technically not a new moon til tonight rocket scientists.
We all still have a few hours to collect ourselves and get our shit in line.
I really hope the awes NYC weather united with cosmic hotness makes life into a pile of steaming butter pancakes with a side of sexual healing and peaceful mind.


New Moon in Aquarius
Wednesday, February 6, 7:45 pm PST, 10:45 pm EST

The innovative New Moon in Aquarius brings fresh ideas reminding us that we belong to a global community. Initiating friendships and group projects is a natural inclination now, but letting go of individuals and expectations may come first. That's because this Sun-Moon conjunction is a Solar Eclipse that draws the curtain on outdated ideals and illusions. Dreamy Neptune, mental Mercury and compassionate Chiron are closely conjunct this lunation, making it a rich moment to change your intellectual scenery and alter your place in the community. Release those people and causes that are more mouth than movement, and withdraw from organizations where you find yourself turning in circles. Newly direct Mars is harmoniously aligned with the Aquarian cluster opening fresh paths of inspiration and activity

Draw the curtain on outdated ideals and illusions!
Stop fronting on the cosmos.

Get on tappa that Aquarian cluster!
And no i don't mean those 4 strippers you met afterhours outside Lit waiting for the bus.

Monday, February 4, 2008


This person in considered attractive in the fashion community.

Meaning someone pays her money to wear their creations in hopes that other people will view it and think it is an appealing garment.
Just wanted to make sure we are all on the same page.

She looks like the shit i took after i was abducted by scientologists.

thanks Sam West for sending this monstrosity to me

Sunday, February 3, 2008


Shout out to all you faggots who don't watch the videos I post. DENISE.

If you don't watch this I am going to do something threatening to or around you.
Being nonspecific is way scary.

your pet will looook at it.


Ugh I hate you guys.
These are the things I apologize for regarding last night:

1. humpdancing on an disinterested Chiara.
2. trying to force Felicia to take her shirt off.
3. slapping Andy in the face.
4. harrassing two hot lesbians for cigarette after they clearly stated they don't smoke.
5. telling that fat guy in the bathroom that I'm allowed in the men's room because I don't like the ladies room line. It's long and slow. I yelled this through the stall door whilst peeing. He was such an asshole with his stupid fat guy hip blazer.
Whatever, I actually don't apologize to him.
5 and a half. embarrassing Steph by existing.
6. accidentally leaving Katie in BK alone after retardedly assuming she was with Bianca. Why would she be with Beebs? Dunno. Boozebrains.
7. telling Beebs not to worry about getting hit on by girls at Hugs,she looks too homely to be a lesbian.
I seriously didn't mean it like that.
8. i also apologize for wearing a tube dress with Mexican bling and motorcycle boots.

Your favorite Penis, Kristeenis

Totally superbowl.

Saturday, February 2, 2008


Saturday nights are so weird. I feel weird.

Yesterday Petit brought over a purple painting for the living room and it looks rad.

She also got drunk and told Katie she could have her shoes. Katie will remind her. Many times. Until she gets them.

Sam was in a special people mood and sang her own drunken inspired version of "Rehab" for about 15 minutes with no musical accompaniment.
Like this.

"Theyyy tryya meeeeahhh gooo ta rehhaybuh , I seh nooooooooo"

Sams deep ass voice and her disgusting one eyebrow raise made this a horrifying and hilarious experience for me.

Thankfully, someone else excelled in retardation level, letting Sam off the hook.
Some random guy was texting Katie about weird things and asking her shit and he was including emoticons. Mhm. This is her reaction.

I'm just as eyyo technology as the next person, but I really think men should get some strap on ballsacks and just call already. If you think a girl is spesh, you're going to have to actually talk to her at some point.
The 15-in-a-row text messages are A) fucking creepy and B) they will just get passed around for her girlfriends to look at and then you are a joke. A very stalkery joke. So get with the program.

It was then time to watch Let Me Borrow That Top.

We also had to watch Hideous Kinky. Because it's a fantastic movie. I want to go to Morocco.

Whatever, yes, I am cliche like that. A white girl who wants to revel in the culture of northern Africa. Sue me. I have nothing. Ugh the two kids in that movie are so amazing I want to be 5 and only wear underpants. And not sweat in the 110 degree Morocco weather.

OMG this movie is so seriouslahh.

Then I couch danced while we watched Purple Rain.
You gotta purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnotonka.
Girl, that ain't Lake Minnetonka.
Appolonia had great breasts.
Sometimes I love pot because it makes things funnier.

I made tater tots to a perfect crispness and I think I invented something called the eternal penis, but as expected, I have no recollection today what that meant. It meant something hilarious, but now it just sounds like a quirky alt rock band. Opening tonight for Rasputin in Suede, Eternal Penis!
(scattered clapping, singular woo from the girlfriend of the drummer. Cough.)

I'm listening to Karen Dalton and I don't even like her music. I think her voice is shit really. it's not sexy at all. It's grating.
Fuck that bitch.

I think the only way to force yourself to go out is to take a shower.
I refuse to shower.
Take that to the chicken coop.

I heard someone say that once and really what could that mean?

I may just be quoting someone wrong maybe it wasn't chicken coop but now that I've put it out there I'm going to run with it.

PS I saw a grown ass woman on Friday afternoon riding a Razor scooter. She was wearing the upper east side uniform of sordidly overpriced casual wear and totally uncalled for fancy shoes. She def had her face done, and she probably hadn't even hit 35 yet. Super blond hair, overwhelming amount of jingly accouterment.
She looked happy as a suburban Jap in Express just scooting past everyone.
I think that if I had the bloodlust at all, that is who I would choose to murder.

Heres a picture of my boyfriend getting into some charming tomfoolery. Aw.