Friday, January 25, 2008

old guys!

So I saw Project Larry at the laundromat on Madison last night.

Project Larry is the typical project guy. He walks in with a brown bag beer with his snazzy little hat on. He has no laundry. Nope just stoppin by, the uj.
Wheel of Fortune is on, so we get to chatting about how attractive brains are. Larry informs me that nothing else matters at all.
I would guestimate that he is, I don't know, 400 years old.
But, like all other virile brothers of the projects, he appears to be between the ages of 28 and 45. Never a day older. It's one of the many natural phenomenons of being a black man. You simply do not age. Then you just die looking like a don.

Larry told me I looked like I was expecting. i hear this ALL of the time in my neighborhood. Everyone thinks I'm preggs. White girls dress like idiots. Big long shirts and leggings, of course they think I'm with child.

So yeah, somehow Larry ends up telling me this story about the gun he kept from Vietnam. He tell me family is the most wonderful thing in the world and that we have to protect eachother. One day he went to his sisters house and sat on the couch reading a magazine waiting for her man to come home. She was getting beat real bad, so Larry schooled the boyfriend and took out the gun shouting like "I was in Nam and I'm a good ass shot my man. You need to leave. i know you're gonna miss the pussy but just FORGET IT."
Then he laughed maniacally.
This was all re-enacted in front of terrified chinese women at 8 o clock at night.
We talked about when he used to be a social worker. He's a super smart old drunk. He got his Masters from Syracuse after he left Jers (whut whut)
He's pretty crazy to have gone through all of that stuff back in the olden times when a black man was just a Nword to most of the brainiacs of this great country. But Larry laughs at adversity. Then he spits in its face. Then he takes it out for a drink to apologize. then he takes back the apology. Then he fistfights adversity. Then he takes it home and has sex with it. jaja.

Larry likes to talk about how much his mom and pops loved eachother. they had 13 kids including him. they would fight like crazy, then pops would go for a walk to cool down. Then he would come home and his parents would "tear eachother up"
They would spank eachother in the bedroom. Thanks Larry, your kinky ass parents are exactly what I've been waiting to see in my mind all day. Rad.
But he just smiles and tells me that THATS LOVE. Thats reality, and family, and happiness, and he's totally right.

Other topics covered by Larry last night:

1. his sister's boobs streching his snazzy sweaters
2. the routes running through Jersey to get to Wildwood (what?)
3. being a farmer
4. why I should not go back to school
5. why i should get married
6. reasons he is not a "faggot"
7. pet ownership
8. why it's not pathetic that I still have roommates at 24
9. why men should not beat up women
10. menstration

He has a bunch of daughters, and I bet he a riot all day long calling them to tell them unrelated tidbits.
He has these foul dry hands, I'm telling you they look like tissue paper.
I am pretty sure he is Father Time's grandpa.

I hope Larry lives forever because he is my hero.

EW PS. remember this old guy from the Six Flags commercials?!
Grossest thing ever. I pray he does not return to basic cable come spring.
He's not even an old dude!
He's some limber homosexual dancer from an amateur "troupe" wearing creepy makeup.
Get this away from me.