Monday, August 18, 2008

You Fishy Fuck.

Fuck that guy is back on schedule!
Keep the hoorays on lock because the guy we are fucking this week is totally accustomed to being applauded.
He is totally not an asshole at all.
Hes way too ugly to be an asshole.
Ugly guys tend to be bit nicer generally speaking.
That explains nothing because its bullshit.
Most ugly dudes I know are bitter fuckfaces with mother issues and angsty rejection hang ups.
So I lied. Great.
I'm a liar.

Fuck you Michael Phelps.

Fuck that.
This week should be fuck Phelps teeth.
His mouth makes me literally sick.
Your parents raised you to become one of the greatest athletes of our time.
How many thousands of dollars went into your little swimmy fish hobby?
Why the fuck could they not shell out a measly 3 grand for some orthodontics??
Thinking about kissing the black hole that is the gaping mouth of Phelps makes me imagine kissing a humpback whale.
Coincidence they are both excellent swimmers?

OK fine.
MP is a perfectly fit male specimen.
But I hate that!
Beer guts?
Slight man ass?
Quasi cut arm muscles that don't exactly impress ladies but are a half assed attempt of a "weight lifting" habit?

It's funny when dudes DON'T work out, but like twice a month they use the free weights in someones basement and feel like HeMan.
That is right up my dirty stinking alley.

I really don't want anything to do with the Adonises of the world.
So you work out.
So you never wheeze.
So you don't smoke cigarettes or drink 14 beers in one night.
So you don't cry when someone kicks you in the ankle bone.
Fuck off!

You think you're better than me?
You're not.
You're just a slave Phelps, a slave to the system.
If this was ancient Greece, you would be reaming 15 year old sporty boys and teaching them how to read in Latin and how to get their "stroke" just right.
What I'm trying to say is.
You're totally gay.

Speaking of gay, what is the gayelle deal with your sisters?

Your parents were totally nuts and also genius to toss all three of you right into the pool.
Maybe they hoped you would drown!
Just kidding!
You're awesome!
That's why I hate you so much.

Hey, remember the other night when I was watching you win 8 gold medals?
Oh yeah.
Cause NBC did a little piece on you.
Saying how you're 6'3 but your WINGSPAN is 6'7....
OK yeah that was great.
Then they said your heart pumps twice as much blood as everyone elses.
Why don't we all just go find some broken fence stakes...
Say a prayer to you, god Phelps...
And plunge ourselves onto the wooden shards?
It would be like all of US are Vlad the Impaler.
Me might as well take it there because, hey, what are you if you're not breaking world records every hour?
That's what.

This FTG is super violent and I'll tell you why.
Because that's precisely what sports do to people.
Sports make people all wound up and retarded like their heads are stuffed with illegal firecrackers from the outskirts of Ocala, Florida.

Hey werewolf.
Why don't you just go on TRL and flirt with Vanessa Manilla Folders and show everyone your gross body?
You already did that?
Fantastic I wish I had it on tape.
When I say tape I mean full on VHS.
I still do that shit because I'm afraid of the passage of time.
I could probably blame that fear on you Phelps.
Everything is your fault.
All of the stupid redneck Americana loving shitbrains running around gloating are thanks to you.
"Yeeeeewhoooo! Ameeeericuh!!! Fuuuuck youuuuuu Chinamen! Fuuuuck youuuu Russia! Fuuuuuuuck you France!"

Fuck Michael Phelps because he is just another undeserved feather in the hat of the already fat lazy bastardly nation of the U S of A.
Someone call Susan Powter so we can stop the insanity


Kate said...

no finer way to start a day than with a fine FTG. i particularly enjoyed the humpback-whale/kissing moment and the point about parents throwing kids into the pool.

quality stuff.

stephanie said...

fucking hysterical.

kate c. said...

more stories, please.

help a brother out.

Annabelle ... n shit said...

my bff kristen and i literally cried laughing...
i'm talkin gen-ew-ine-TEARS!

fuck you vanessa manilla folders too!

good thing i'm not a stoner right now because then i'd never captcha this captcha... OHHHH! Para PSH!