I can't talk so I may as well blog.
I have the worst case of party voice is history.
I sound like Kathleen Turner after eight packs of cigarettes.
It actual gives me a headache to do anything other than whisper.
Thursday night I went to the Sephora ten year party which was complete shit if you want to know.
There was some red carpet claptrap going on and the poor paps were shitting themselves waiting for La Lohan to show up and support her hot gayelle Ronson. Yes, as I'm sure you can guess, I would totally beard out for Ronson. Shes fucking cute. Ask any girl who has a little affinity for the butches and they will admit... she is a tasty little one.
That being said, Pam, Katie and I waited around in line with a bunch of oldish hag women who want to feel fresh again. We were in it for the gift bags and the booze, and I am pretty sure everyone else was feeling the same way.
We got denied, yes we did, I am not scared to admit it.
The PR people were total birdbrains.
Try to contain your shock.
Whatever, Katie used her Post press pass and we went in after some mild frustration.
Nothing interesting happened inside but they had good cocktails and all the important people were upstairs probably doing coke and practicing their "I'm not amused" face.
We remained in the pit drinking for free and staring at the product piled up on shelves waiting to be ransacked.
Its like being a pirate only you're wearing high heels and you're not drinking from a jug with XXX on the label, you're drinking some shit called a Lipstick Lover in a martini glass.
Right up my alley.
Katie wore a blue ballerine dress with tiny white polka dots and got very drunk and she is officially the cutest person alive. And she's back in Mexico again which makes me want to cry a little. Home ain't home without my little gringa.
Also every man there was either gay or annoying. Or a middle eastern molester.
The above photo is simply to display that there was a man there in metallic truly metallic silver dress shoes.
Maybe I just hate fashion but give me a break already. You look like a dick.
I pretended I loved them so he would let me close enough to photo them.
I also chose to once again introduce myself to strangers as Jen and decided I should tell them I'm an actress so they won't want to talk to me.
Pam strolled around looking flawless which is annoying.
So thats all that happened.
We waited and waited then propelled ourselves into the little roped off goodie section.
Then we ran away.
And went to Max Fish.
Wearing dress up clothes and carrying giant train boxes full of girl things we can't afford.
It looked absolutely retarded.
But D was there so thats great.
Then we ran into this dude who once had a thing with my friend blah blah blah hi great to see you. It was totesfun.
He was with another dude who looks like the guy from Entourage and also looks like he wears eyeliner but hes still a good looking feller if you ask me. He totally doesn't wear makeup I think its just because hes the foxy ethnic type. You know those.
Some guy at the bar was rocking his neon work out wear and rollerblades, he gave us some raspberries he picked in White Plains.
You know you're drunk when you take berries from this guy:
I recall taking a cab home which further proves I was drunk, then myself and my many friends made lots of noise in my apartment. There was a wrestling match which led to a broken table. I threw a 6 foot tall man into it. I really love that table so its more sad than it is funny. Then I spun danced for awhile and tried to learn how to do handstand, very unsuccessful I was.
This story is getting very dumb and I don't feel like going any further into it.
Also last week I went to FAO Shwartz for some retarded reason and saw what i assume to be an actual goblin working in the stuffed bear section.
He is very small yet his head is gigantic.
I think his life is probably sad and I'll bet he plays the tuba alone.
Sidenote about FAO: the big piano?? That shit costs 25 grand. Not lying. It's all because of Tom Fucking Hanks.
This was the greatest moment in that godforsaken store.
If 5 year old girls could have sex with anything, I'll bet they would pick this wall o' pony.
Speaking of sexy things, I will have to follow up later on lady weekend in Atlantic City and give all the deets except the awesome juicy fruit ones because those are top secret.
Lick your figurative chops.