Monday, July 28, 2008

Fuck that guy

This is the first installment of Fuck that guy.
It is the brainchild of myself and Stephanie Porto in which we talk shit about a widely acclaimed man, mostly out of pure ignorance and or bitterness.
(Please refer to Stephanies blog as well to see her reasoning for fuckery)

I am proud to say, the first victim of Fuck that guy will be Mr. David Lynch.
This one is close to my heart because seriously; fuck that guy.
Smug bastard.

OK, Blue Velvet for starters.
Dennis Hopper is a great actor so how did you make him look so bad?
What is with the script?
What is with all the desexification of sexytime?
Great job making me NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING SEXY EVER AGAIN.
Its like the opposite of porn. They should show Blue Velvet in high schools to deter kids from gettin on tappa theat.

Rant number two.
I OWN the movie Dune but have never gotten all the way through it.
I was like Oh, a movie with Sting?
It will be like when Bowie was in the Labyrinth! Jareth part two.
No. Absolutely not Jareth part 2.
Dune is very very stupid.
I could see a 12 year old boy getting a little boner tingle from all the sword fighting and alien bullshit, but cmon now. It actually reminds me a little bit of the directorial style of Power Rangers.
PS, great job not being able to think of weaponry on your own. The glowy fighting sticks are a direct copy of Star Wars. Which I also hate, by the way.

Another movie I can't finish? Lost Highway.
Why does every single thing said in every single shot have to be campy?
I feel like I'm watching evil soap operas.
With slow mo bedroom scenes.
And Patricia Arquette looks terrified over nothing for the first 30 minutes of the movie.
None of it makes any sense, and maybe I'm just not arsty enough, but as I have clearly stated before, art is very gay.
That whole scene where the old vampire looking guy makes the other guy use his phone to call him like "Hey call me I'm in your house right now." But hes also standing right there? What? I can't even explain the scene correctly that how retarded it is.
Ok, David Lynch, you are either on drugs all the time or you just write nonsense down and kiss it and say , "This! Is! Fan! Fuckingtastic!"
Then we all watch it because you got a lifetime achievement award for your shitty shithole shit movies.
I think the very nature of labeling shit you make as your "art" is annoying.
Especially when your name is David Lynch.

Can I direct/produce/write films?
No.
Have I been nominated for a gay Oscar?
Absolutely not my friend.
But fuck that guy.

Fuck that he dated Isabella Rosselini. Then somehow lost hold of that. Great.
You know what, its for the best because he is old and grumpy and has bad hair.

The following video is of him ranting about watching movies on iphone.



UGH. SPIT IT OUT PEPAW! How long does it take to say "I hate technology???"

Why did he bother making this video?

Oh.
Because fuck him?
Yes exactly.
He is such a cranky grandpa and he is obviously pissed that if you watched HIS movies on iphone, you would throw up all over the screen and ruin it, or you would fall asleep from boredom, have a nightmare about the movie, wake up, and THEN throw up on said iphone.
In both scenarios, your awesome iphone is now garbage. Just like his movies.

Hey, master of the cinematic universe?
Just wondering why you do commercials for cars, video game systems, and fashion houses like Gucci.
Because you're an Oscar nominated genius?
Yes thats what I thought all along.
You're totally above commercialism.
"If you wanna catch the big fish, you've gotta go deeper."
Direct quote from David Lynch.
Really?
Wow because making PS2 commercials is so so so deep. So abstract. You didn't do a good job.
Because you are a hypocrite.
Fuuuuu-uck. you.

By the way, my favorite work you've ever done David Lynch?
This pregnancy test commercial



WOW.
What a genius.
I can see why everyone thinks you're tops.


Also, side note.
Your voice is very annoying to me.

In closing.



Fuck this guy.

5 comments:

tell me what's happening. said...

FUCK THAT GUY!

Annabelle ... n shit said...

That guy needs to get fucked... fuck him.

Samantha West said...

I love David Lynch.


no.
Really.

adrian said...

fuck him. grrrrrrrr!

Kate said...

two friends came to dinner the other night. the guy said to his girlfriend, in kind of an "intervention" way, "you know you say 'fuck that guy,' about lots of different guys, like 20 times a day."

she shrugged. "and?"