Forgot to Mench

Shoutouts for today:

1.
Stupid Simon finally got his blog up, hes only been working on it since the dawn of the internet.
So I guess probably the year he turned...what? 32, 33?
I kid I kid.
He has some excellent content.
He should.
Considering he is the master of all youtube/porn/fake news/fetish sites/obscure band footage/pointless nightlife documentation/social networking on the interweb.
Also definitely the master of Muscle Milk, Energy supplements, and 25 cent toy machines outside of ghetto bodegas.

Enjoy!

2.
Katie Orlinsky my sort of family sort of life partner apartment sharer has once again outdone herself.

A giant piece in the New York Times Week In Review!

Her amazing study of the Muxe of Mexico got its deserved props with her beautiful photos (peep the slideshow) and quite the full bodied article to accompany.
PS Even if you hate learning, read this shit anyway because the Muxe are the sassy 'third sex' of the Zapotec people.
If you like Maury Povich you will love this you ignorant sluts.

3.
Shoutout to this blog Stephanie showed me this morning.
I'm jealous I didn't do it first.
And I'm willing to bet me and the person who writes the entries are possibly besties in some alternate universe.

Fuck You, Penguin!

I predict the return of mules.

Blistering cold.
I'm telling you.
I was out in Jersey for 24 hours or so, and taking the ferry back into the city was proof that eskimos/Alaskans/Yukon trail hikers/mountain people are all crazy.
Wind Chill is the bane of my existence right now.
For real, when you are on the water waiting for some rinky ass rusted boat to show up, 5 minutes feels like 5 hours.
My face hurts.
(This is where you say "killing me")


Can you feel the agony when you look at my chappy red hand?
Its mad dark out there at the end of the dock, it looks exactly like the town where the fisherman guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer kills those people.
Such a good movie!
Ew think about those people...Freddie PrinZe Jr, Phillippe the nanny fucker, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and LOVE?

What a disgusting clusterfuck of failure and annoyingness.
That was super mean of me and I meant it just so you know.
But there is something about Gellar, I have to admit. I would put money on the fact that she COULD be a total riot as a drunk.


Have I been neglecting my blog?
Part of that would be the stomach flu (food poisoning?) I came down with late in the week. I won't describe what went on with that.
Yall know.

Anyway, Jersey was just fine, I got my hair did, saw my BFF Nicole Alisha Simons and the ever accidentally comedic Murph.
Oh wait, Nicoles nephew Raymond is the cutest piece of child I've seen (not counting those related to me of course)


Tried to drink a couple of beers last night and found out I am not ready for that yet, post stomach trauma.
Tomorrow I shall rage as no holiday party goer has raged before.
Its going to make up for what a boring girl I've been all week long.
Stephanie's holiday party is pretty classic.
I usually don't remember how I got home.
Success!

I have nothing interesting to say right now that is anyones business.
Except please look at the addressee on this piece of mail.



Is it illegal to photograph mail?
I feel like maybe it is for some reason.
Does that make me a total pussy for even wondering?

Anyway did that guys parents loathe him?
Why didn't they just abort?
Or wait until he was born and tattoo 'we will never need or want you' on his head?
Mr Not Vital???
Is this a fucking snow job?

Mommy and daddy Vital are a couple of god damn wisecrackers.

GNR

Good Nights Rest.
Not Guns N Roses.

It is really cold.
Seriously.
My cats are darting from the heater to the window to the heater to the window super confused.
Like why is it that when we come over here and look out into the yard...we get frozen and uncomfortable.
They are cats so they don't realize the concept of the heat coming from the heater.
When they walk on me in bed, their frigid paws make me cringe.

Maybe I am overreacting.


The fucked up thing is, there are all kinds of parties coming up for the holidays I guess, so we all have to leave our apartments and put on 12 layers and shake uncontrollably when we have a cigarette break.
Its very stupid, this winter situation.

I went to Brooklyn last night because its really hard to get people who live OUT THERE to come to me.
I'm simply outnumbered.

Chiara's place feels kind of like mine.
It's too big to make much sense and there is stuff everywhere.
Voodoo looking stuff.
Stuff that does not really go with the other stuff that is near it.
But her place is not as falling-apart-war-zone as mine.
So I guess she wins.

Actually I lie.
I'll tell you who wins.
Raf, for looking like Black Nicholson.

PS that remote is out of control.
Oh my god remember that show Remote Control???
It was so good!



Side note: Colin Quinn was weird on that show, also he was weird that time he asked me on a date on the N train. I don't care if you think thats gross, he is still sort of hot and also funny.


What was that record I was looking foooooor.....?


Ah here it is


Elliot is hiding behind the behinds.
Hes probably secretly smelling the back cover.
Gross.
Sorry.
I'm sure hes not.



Or is he.



I want to submit this to Martha Stewart to top the alltime list of "Good Things."


Hi Naomi Newt.


May I have some of this lemon?
Yes but don't pierce it and pose in the doorway like that ever again.


I'm pretty sure that someone in the room makes this face every time I open my mouth.


I make a horrible magic mushroom.
But I got those Levis for 8 dollars.




I tried to get them to come back to the city with me but they basically laughed in my face.
The tables have turned haven't they.
Those tables and their turning.
I'm going to show those tables.

Anyway I got too drunk and spent 30 dollars total on car services, then 5 dollars on the BEST SANDWICH I HAVE EVER EATEN and 3 dollars on a bag of chips. I would like to go on record saying that a turkey sanwich with munster cheese shredded lettuce and tomato (light on the mayo) on a HOAGIE is possibly the cure for any and all drinking related maladies.

If I could kiss a turkey I would, as thanks for dying to make my tummy gratified.
But I will not kiss a turkey because they are ugly and disgusting. God must have made them delicious because he knew none of us could stand the sight of their grotesque/hideous faces.

big deal

Just sharing the wealth.
Drank specials!
Listings for bars in the les, east vill, west vill, wburg, midtown (kill yourself) or hells kitchen
go HERE

I don't even remember how I found this site, but you can text them and they will send you happy hour/drink special texts back.

Am I becoming that person?
Not really, I just need somewhere to go tonight and when all else fails, drown your sorrows in the river of hooch.

I feel like I'm trying to sell something.

change jar overfloweth

Few unrelated things.

First of all, I use my neti pot twice a day.
Is that excessive?
Could it totally backfire? I don't think so but then again I didn't think anything would happen when I became addicted to nasal spray either.
I really think I have some obsession with shooting things up my nose.
You can take that however you want, if you want to go the illegal white powdery drug way, fine. Whatever. No one is immune to that shit, its like if you could combine the sensation of eating 48 sour patch kids while watching a laser light show sitting on a vibrating chair after drinking 5 cups of coffee and laughing until you could not breathe. All at once. Then maybe add in getting slapped on the ass unexpectedly.
Aside from that, I love the idea of IMPROVING my sinuses.
They have been so so awful for so many years.
Maybe saline will be the solution.
A saline solution!
Oh my god I'm the best.

Next thing.
My two favorite actresses. Both named Kate. (Winslet and Blanchett)
Lets talk about Winslet.
She is starring in the film version of one of my favorite books, The Reader.
Its basically Lolita flipped around.
A cold hearted older woman starts a fucky fuck on the down low relash with a teenage boy. The best part is, about halfway thru the novel you find out she has....drumroll...a SECRET!
I. Love. Secrets.
Its really good, I advise you pick it up.
You could actually borrow it from me if you have a good book to trade.
Yay trades!
Anyway, Katie Wins (we are friends in my mind) looks like my lesbian dream these days.
I bet she smells amazingly comforting, like body sweat plus something floral plus a gentle breath mint.
She is such a killer.



This woman is proof that I should definitely continue drawing in my eyebrows a lil bit too dark.
And that I don't really have to get any thinner.
And that being a teensy bit masculine is absurdly hot.
Unless you are Madonna, in that case it is just terrifying.


Other things.
Last night at the Powerhouse Book holiday party.
I spent at least 30 minutes getting hit on by the security guard. Do you understand. In a huge space filled with authors, photographers, editors, etc.
I get hit on by the 40 year old ex Navy guy whos working the door.
He tried to pick me up by asking if I was on my way to grandmas house.
Why?
Because I was wearing a plaid wool coat and boots with red laces.
Apparently I looked young and molestable.
Anyway, how weird that Katie picked up a book and it was the Nerve book. Liv and Sam have both shot for them and looky here!
One of Sams photos of Stephanie Portoooooooo!
Mhm.


Later night things.

1. It is really hard to get a cab in windy ass Dumbo.

2. I love Raf and Chiara.






Sidenote:
Raf was at the bar getting a beer and Chiara and I are wondering, who's that weird guy hes talking to?
What are they talking about?
Chiara says Oh actually I think that's Bill Murray's son.
Um ok.
Long story short, it is in fact Young Murray.
He wears all black and is funny looking and left with a girl who definitely looked like she has a penis and testicles.
The End!


I like how everytime I see Raf I call him a mulatto.
Part of me knows full well hes a god damn Puerto Rican.
I doubt he thinks its all that funny but he also doesn't seem to mind.


Fact: There is no worse time to have your photo taken than when you are eating a piece of pizza.


Fact: There was a pool shark at Max Fish last night.
Fact number 3: After challenging Raf to a drinking contest, I got one drink at above pictured bar, and walked home.
I am quickly becoming a total faggette.

I love me some me (Terell Owens?)

Its been a long time I shunna left you

Colorado was weird.
Really?!
Yes.

It was a good time though, aside from the elevation sickness/hangover from the devil my final day.
There is a downside to cheap(er than New York) shots of Petron.
I'll give you a hint.
It has to do with vomit.
Try to work that out 10,000 feet above sea level.
Or whatever it is.


Strangely enough, I still use my very expired NJ State ID to travel.
And to get into bars.
It does not look like me which annoys official type people.
Please note the word Elite on my ticket.
I am only Elite because my mom is nice enough to fly us first class.
Shes a great person.
She is also balling sometimes.

So Seany and I had some whiskey and we arrived pretty much in no time.
Got to Denver and found out everyone there has half a brain because most of the people I saw were wearing flip flops.
Or in this case, slippers and pajamas with no jacket.


We had to drive way yonder to the hotel in Colorado Springs, the Broadmoor.
Wasps meet the mountains.
Seany was reading Hemingway on the plane so I made him post up for the perfect photo moment in the sitting room by the lobby.

Sometimes I look at him and I see him as 6 years old.
But never 19.
Time flies.
Flies dies.
When you swats them.
My PopPop used to walk around with a fly swatter pretty much all the time.
It was really cute.
He also wore a bucket type golfers hat.
He was a supporting-character-who-everyone-loves-in-a-comedic-film waiting to happen.

So yeah, The Broadmoor is a pretty place, its strangely gigantic for being out in whereverthefuck. Its just sitting on a lake and people seem to just go there to RELAX.
I'm a shitty relaxer but I really did try.
Also...there were about 400 dogs there. Everyone brought their dog!
I find that weird and not cute. But I'm a cat lady so there you have it.

Kayla makes an excellent alarm clock bright and early in the morning.

Please get used to photos of my niece.
You will see about 50 of them in this post alone.
She likes to do bossy things like open patio doors and move things around and hand things to my brother and say "Heeah Shann Heeah!" (here Sean, here)
Shes sort of totes perf.
I think she looks semi Chinese but when I say that to my sister she gets mad so I probably won't say it anymore.


TDay we just walked around the property and had afternoon cocktail time and saw rad things like horsey sculptures


The hall of fame was about a mile long.
I think famous people like the place.
James Brown is usually a sex machine.


The lake looks pretty magical.






Dressing for Thanksgiving dinner is fun!


It's easier for babies because someone else picks their outfit


Daddy don't look at me that way



Kayla always says 'peees" and 'tank tuuu" because she has awesome manners.
Aside from this moment of picking her nails at the dinner table with a butter knife.

The food was really delish.
We sat outside by the fire pit for awhile and got more drinks and it was Comforting Memories.

The next morning we ran a few errands then went to Pikes Peak, some place where you take a train up a mountain.


Saw these dogs.
They were filthy and happy.
Just as animals should be.

On the train going up the mountain.
Hi cute!

The conductor told horrible jokes.
We went up really high.
It was beautiful.
Not much else to say about that.








Are you there God?


Nancy having deep thoughts


So you get to the top...
and its basically antartica.
You can't really get pictures of anything because its all white.
White everywhere.
Scarface status.
So I took a picture of the red train.
There was serious gale wind force and it's not really that fun.
Nothing lives up there except for a few herds of little ram looking things who apparently eat lichen off rocks.
Yum.
This is boring me.

We did more things in the cold.
Then we went to bed I'll bet.
I was on some 7pm yawn and snuggle shit.

Saturday we rode horses.
Thats really all I care about.
It was really the spot. Look how cute.


Gay horses eat ha-eeey.
Buttermilk was my horse.
We bonded a little bit.
Butters looks a little ragged but is lovable.



Observe the side-eye ice grill courtesy of the horse on the right


Don't mind the entourage.



Oh Nancy.
I realize my mom is going to hate this but she is starting to resemble her father.
AKA Grandpa Howie.
This picture is very Howie-esque.


Fine yes I look 5 years old in photos.
But this is proof that my sister does as well.
I think its a genetic retardation.
Babyphotogenia.


Here are some elk creatures.

We had an amazing guide, by the way.
She was very into just taking off like the wind.
Up rocky mountainside trails.
On ten year old horses.
They really love to just open up and gallop off into the unknown.
It is horribly exhilerating.
I advise sitting on a horse holding on for your dear life.
As often as possible.
Such fun. They are like motorcycles that breathe and whinny.
Also they have souls.


Saying things like
"thats a nice breeze"
and
"whatta view!"
are annoying.
Until they are so true that you just find them flying out of your mouth.

Down the mountain again we dropped off our rides and went inside to put on hats and act like faggetron tourists.
I only do Stetson.



There are some occasions where you have to get super serious and stretch out.
It's just kind of a given.
I'm pretty sure you're wondering where I get my pose inspirations from.
The answer to that is TyTy baby and her endless barrage of tranny-esque mall rats from America's Next top Model.
So good.


As I was saying.
Best guide ever.
She is really doing her own thing if you can't tell.
If you're blind.
Whatever.

We got driven back into town and headed for Manitou Springs which is showcasing some serious graffiti, son!



This is what hippies build with their tax money.

We did some shopping.
All I bought was a little stone carving for my Complicated One.
If you're special to someone show them they are special to you too.
That right there is about as sentimental as I get.

We went to dinner at a fantastic tavern place.
This is their sign.


This is where it all goes to shit basically.
I am so amused by this stupid bar that I get wasted within about 2 hours.
I started with these.
Tequila sunrise in a pint glass.

Really?
There is a reason why I only drink out of short glasses.
Because it creates sort of version of control over my alcohol consumption.

Before passing out on a bench, the following things happened I think:


My niece played the bongos


I made nice with an old hobbit in a top hat named Jackson Brown


Chatted with a lawyer and a witch named Miss Hildy.


Asked a dirty backpack dishwasher to do something funny for me.
This is his version of funny.


Asked this guy a bunch of questions about Colorado and decided he looks like the guy from Sideways.

The whole thing was a blast until I realized I was fall over drunk.
We took a cab back to the hotel and that is the end of that.
Heading out for the airport the next morning we drove through a very gay blizzard.

It ruined everything and kept us in the car for nearly 5 hours.
I puked for 2 of those 5 hours.
Great job!

Finally in Denver, I realize how bad I wanna go home.


This is not really the place for me.

I missed my cats and my friends and my bed and Complicated One.
I missed Frank and Toms Pizza and Gil at the deli.
I missed everything basically.

It was a good trip.
My sister rolled over in the hotel bed one night and whispered, "do you wanna talk?"
I peed myself laughing remembering how we shared a bed by choice for years and years.
One of us would check if the other was going to sleep with that exact sentence. Memories!

Now that I've gotten all this shit out of the way I can go back to blogging about things that don't matter in other words shit about me.

xo Colorado
slightly more xo New York.