Monday, March 10, 2008

Change Your Clocks.

Don't forget that!

Time is going by, things are happening.

I broke my phone long ago and it has been holding out for a couple months now, sometimes working, sometimes not. i basically bought it because I wanted 2MP camera and the radio capabilities. So i got the genius idea...maybe the next phone I get, I should buy it for CALLING PEOPLE.

Then I went on ebay and somehow ended up with this:

LG Shine!

Its called the Shine because its fucking shiny. The screen is literally a mirror. Sometimes when I buy things like this I realized I really truly am a girl and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is not a phone a man would buy.
Because in 5 minutes it will be covered in fingerprints and sour cream and onion chip dust.
Something will inevitably crack and I will be so pissed off I will want to kill myself.
Because when this phone stops being shiny, what is it?
Just another thing I bought that I hate.
I got it because its pretty, ok? So three months from now when I spill a beer on it or drop it in the bathtub while I'm gossiping with TallyDeadDead, don't feel bad for me at all.
I did this to myself.

I need phone numbers too, by the way. Which is a task I truly hate.
Who do you even ask for numbers from?
There is bound to be at least a few awkward moments trying to refill the phone book. Not only that, some people will really think that I want their number when I totally don't. And I'm a shit liar so I will probably just end up being like, nah I'm good. Really. Thanks though.

So lets get personal.
Then lets get physical.
Then lets get outta town.

I am a bit unfamiliar with the feeling, but I am almost embarrassed about my actions lately. (See most recent blog entry for reasons)
I go through these very absurd phases where I definitely drink too much and I stop being dependable and kind and I have one foot out the door of the acceptable behavior universe. I start to do things without thinking about how it effects the people around me and then when I get yelled at, I turn into a serious fucking jerk and fall back on the definitive Krissy statement, "Go fuck yourself i don't need your annoying ass anyway. Kick rocks pal."
You can interchange those words with other words, but its always the same idea which is: Yes I see youre mad, no I don't care, and in a way, its funny to me.
I usually don't mean it, but I am prettttay pretttay convincing when I am in the mood.

Unfortunately for the poor souls who I emotionally abuse at times, I do not believe in therapy. i don't want to be a Pavlovs dog, I don't want to be taught "new innovative ways" to shut the fuck up and be an adult. I don't want "external support without judgement" or an "impartial ear."
Because I see that as the great manipulation.
To be listened to by a stranger. And they give you that calm look. But behind that there are calculations going on, so clinical that you stop being a human and you become a problem for someone else to solve. I am not a Rubiks cube, I'm just an immature jerk. Thats really it.

So as I have said before, and will surely say again. I. am a work in progress.

And one day I won't just be a jokester. i will also be fully humbled and openminded and considerate. And I reeeeeeally reeeeeally think I can do that.

I promise.
But for now, give me a break.
(Insert Kit Kat bar reference here)

Deeper still.
If you have the patience time or desire, i suggest you read this. I suppose it is where my reflection stems from as of late. I know people HATE to read things on blogs that are not about sex/fun/parties/gossip/being hip but I still want to share it, because I have been reading it over for awhile now and its something I want to bring to the table.

Atyashrami, teacher, poet, self inquiry advocate

What is the path of inquiry for understanding the nature of the mind?

That which rises as 'I' in this body is the mind. If one inquires as to where in the body the thought 'I' rises first, one would discover that it rises in the heart. That is the place of the mind's origin. Even if one thinks constantly 'I' 'I', one will be led to that place. Of all the thoughts that arise in the mind, the 'I' thought is the first. It is only after the rise of this that the other thoughts arise. It is after the appearance of the first personal pronoun that the second and third personal pronouns appear; without the first personal pronoun there will not be the second and third.

How will the mind become quiescent?

By the inquiry 'Who am I?'. The thought 'who am I?' will destroy all other thoughts, and like the stick used for stirring the burning pyre, it will itself in the end get destroyed. Then, there will arise Self-realization.

What is the means for constantly holding on to the thought 'Who am I?'

When other thoughts arise, one should not pursue them, but should inquire: 'To whom do they arise?' It does not matter how many thoughts arise. As each thought arises, one should inquire with diligence, "To whom has this thought arisen?". The answer that would emerge would be "To me". Thereupon if one inquires "Who am I?", the mind will go back to its source; and the thought that arose will become quiescent. With repeated practice in this manner, the mind will develop the skill to stay in its source. When the mind that is subtle goes out through the brain and the sense-organs, the gross names and forms appear; when it stays in the heart, the names and forms disappear. Not letting the mind go out, but retaining it in the Heart is what is called "inwardness" (antar-mukha). Letting the mind go out of the Heart is known as "externalisation" (bahir-mukha). Thus, when the mind stays in the Heart, the 'I' which is the source of all thoughts will go, and the Self which ever exists will shine. Whatever one does, one should do without the egoity "I". If one acts in that way, all will appear as of the nature of Siva (God).

Are there no other means for making the mind quiescent?

Other than inquiry, there are no adequate means. If through other means it is sought to control the mind, the mind will appear to be controlled, but will again go forth. Through the control of breath also, the mind will become quiescent; but it will be quiescent only so long as the breath remains controlled, and when the breath resumes the mind also will again start moving and will wander as impelled by residual impressions. The source is the same for both mind and breath. Thought, indeed, is the nature of the mind. The thought "I" is the first thought of the mind; and that is egoity. It is from that whence egoity originates that breath also originates. Therefore, when the mind becomes quiescent, the breath is controlled, and when the breath is controlled the mind becomes quiescent. But in deep sleep, although the mind becomes quiescent, the breath does not stop. This is because of the will of God, so that the body may be preserved and other people may not be under the impression that it is dead. In the state of waking and in Samadhi, when the mind becomes quiescent the breath is controlled. Breath is the gross form of mind. Till the time of death, the mind keeps breath in the body; and when the body dies the mind takes the breath along with it. Therefore, the exercise of breath-control is only an aid for rendering the mind quiescent (manonigraha); it will not destroy the mind (manonasa).

Like the practice of breath-control, meditation on the forms of God, repetition of Mantras, restriction on food, etc., are but aids for rendering the mind quiescent.

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