Hi Waaaaayne.....Hiiiiiiii.

I just touched my cat's butt by accident and I'm really disgusted by it.

Something else I'm disgusted by is the state my legs are in.
I look like a teenage runaway who lives under a bridge and has a vitamin deficiency.
I have been tearing up South Street on my bike as well as having too many drinks and aggressively dragging said bike up and down stairs and such.
That explains the severely bruised ankles/calves/thighs.
I have this super irritated shredder cut that looks kind of like a tiger tried to climb up my limb. Its is a little swollen and still fairly dirty.
I fell. That's the whole story.


So today Claude, my cognitive behavioral therapist/new best friend told me in jest that I should tattoo 'I don't date losers' on the palm of my hand to serve as a personal reminder.
We talked for at least 20 minutes about the fact that I specifically chose to continue seeing men who I am FULLY AWARE are unavailable.
AKA substance abusers, cheaters, jobless drifters, emotionally invested in other women, depressed, etc etc etc.
To be totally honest, this is something I swear to God, I didn't know I was doing.
Heres a sample of how blind I am:

Claude: What exactly do you want from ____?
Me: I think I have no idea what I want. I think I wish things would just be happy and awesome. The men I like, they are actually good people, seriously Claude.
Claude: OK. Good. Are they available?
Me: No.
Claude: OK. So you have to stop seeing them. Cut it off. Its OK for things to just not work out. No one is a 'loser' we are just humans. You are not picking losers, you are just being *MALADAPTIVE.
Me: But that means I don't win.
(THAT IS VERBATIM. VERBATIM)
Claude: Riiiight. So you're winning right now? I mean... wouldn't winning be dating people who want to be with you? And respect you? And are ready?
Me: What? This is stupid. I win if I make it work.
Claude: Guess what. You just made my job easier. Repeat yourself outloud. See how it sounds.
Me: Oh shit.

Aaaaaand SCENE.
Tada!
Then he gave me some exercises to do and things to research and looked at me like a little gnome and wiggled his glasses and said, "Its all about the path. Thats all. Just the path."
That gave me a panic attack but I settled down and was fine.
Great Job.

*Maladaptive behaviors refer to types of behaviors that inhibit a person’s ability to adjust to particular situations. This type of behavior is often used to reduce one’s anxiety, but the result is dysfunctional and non-productive. For example, avoiding situations because you have unrealistic fears may initially reduce your anxiety, but it is non-productive in alleviating the actual problem in the long term.

Enough about that for now.
Here's some things me and Gob did together recently.

(not this Gob)




Gob and I looking at the river while weird Chinese people fish and set things on fire.


Gob and I looking out at machinery and dome as pictured below.




Awkward running father who did not understand that one would need wind in order to successfully fly a kite.
Men alone with children is interesting because of their completely sporadic fits of logic. Its there...then its not? Oh here eat this popsicle for breakfast. What? You refuse to now eat these eggs? Why???
Lets fly a kite! Shit, there is no wind. I guess I'll just walk around with you with no water and long sleeves on this very hot afternoon until your mother gets home.
Shrug.
I love men, I do. And the idea of a loving father, a fun father...its a Dream. Its special!
But.
Lets face it.
Theres a reason why kids think dads are fun and moms are pests.
Somebody has to be the pest or every kid in the world would have rotten teeth, dirty faces, infected fingies and weird brown bag lunches with little to no nutritional value.
I generalize because its funny.


Death is part of life.
But maggots eating squirrel eyes is still gross.
FDR is literally killing it.
(ba-dum CHHHH!)


Tank top balding sandals guy and his giant turtle, who may in fact be his romantic lover.
PS the turtle lives in a boat house.
Baller.

This has nothing to do with my bike rides, but please look at this man on the train.

His toupee was SO UNBEWEAVABLE in person.
It looks like a hair hat!
I have never seen anything like it.
It was so shiny and wiggish and his little remaining wiry gray hairs poked out all around its border.
He also had the weirdest kit I have even seen, dirty denim with elastic waist and cuffs?
One velcro shoe one with laces?
A fucking confetti party time pattern umbrella?
An expensive-ish watch?
I'm pretty sure hes one of those people who tries to sell you free things like copies of the Onion or 'appraisal on air conditioning unit installing' coupons he got in the mail. Super Saver!
He probably also eats people.

The opposite of scary train guy is this kid, who I met at Stephanies bday BBQ.


He was really good at scrounging our food and also tried to plant an avocado pit in the dirt so the park could have a fruit bearing tree.
I gave him bubbles and a pop ice.
Then I played ball with him.
His face makes me happy so I am going to go to bed before something ruins it.

Arr-vwar, creeps!

Claire Fisher marries Ted Fairwell in the end, don't forget that

FACT:
I have decided that women do not change.
Ever.
I was just IMing with a very beautiful special coy intelligent 13 year old I babysit for Wednesday afternoons.
Yes that sentence is 100 percent truth.

I like to be supportive and be a good listener because there is no greater relief at that age...

Anyway, we were talking about boys.
How when you are friends with a boy, he wants to kiss you.
And boys you want to kiss, don't really want anything from you at all.
In fact, they want to date your bestie.
What a shame.
(PS this is all a direct tale from said 13 year old, it is not just a worst-case-scenario nightmare as you may suspect)

That gives me anxiety. Right now. At 25 years old.

More accurately though, the whole thing makes me optimistic that nothing really changes.
If you have faith, there is a time when it just kind of works.
When you're a little older than you wanted to be.
Not fit to wear white anymore.
Sort of tired looking with something other than Prime Ass Shapeliness.
Then I think, if all goes according to girl dream formula, someone totally loves you to an absurd degree anyway.
And you do not get tired of them.
And it is not gross when you wake up and they are staring at you.

Basically what I'm saying is, we are in love.


How rad would it be if my name turned out to be Kristina Messina?
Admittedly not that rad but get real hes a fox.


(lets say thats me)
(its not a stretch)

Open Request:
If you are in fact a man hope you read none of this because it makes me look fairly psychotic.
Theeeinks!

Advance Issue, Yer Welcome Edition

Lets go places together whenever we can.

I like other people doing the work for me.

AKA this website listing shit to do by timeline/hood/category.

Its almost like there is too much to do and we are all spoiled rotten by stimulation.

Now point your fingie at yourself and hatefully mutter :::fuckin jerk::::
Now shake your head slowly and TSST.
Do all of this looking in the mirror you haven't windexed since you moved in 4 years ago.

Call me later bye!

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*permalink for this site will be under LETS GO DO THIS STUFF.

Don't say everyone is disappointing

Please remind me to hang a creaking park swing in my next apartment.
In the living room.
The living room may be small enough that when I swing back and forth, my toes will touch the wall behind me then the wall in front of me.


Also remind me to not do drugs.
Its for the kids.



Now I am going to remind you to see Away We Go.
Here are two screenshots that might make you feel intrigued as well as a bit fuzzy:





I want to see more movies and drink more cherry coke.
I want to take a very short vacation and bring someone to the beach who thinks they don't like the beach.


Tomorrow I want to be given the tooth thats coming out.
So if you are up at 830 am please remind me to take it home to make into a ring.

This Is Dedicated To The Ones I Love

tired.
too tired for capital letters.
i got a new tube in my back tire today so i rode around forever an ever with jeylan.
i had my first slurpee of the summer.
two complaints then no more:
1. my chest hurts from breathing all hard on my tiny ass trick bike (ps i forgot what a shitshow going over the manhattan bridge is on one of those little things)
2. i have a fucking throbbing rager of a toof and im scared


Now I can use capitals.
My soulmate/sewlmate Porto's birthday is right nyah.
I love you Stephanie, you make me want to cuddle.
You make me a better woman.
You had me at hello.
Also, you complete me.
Also, I do like the movie Jerry McGuire and I will quote it whenever I damn well please.
What I don't feel like doing yet is uploading the shitty pictures I took from her barbequebe today.
So I will do that tomorrow.

There are things I love other than Stephanie and her birthday:


I love Hiyme and Olive.
I love that they have a new apartment and are my neighbors now.
I love Hiyme staring at this rack thinking about how to make his home more efficient and snazzy.


I love rubber gloves.
I am going to put it right out there and say, I think they feel really sesssssual.
I would wear a rubber leotard.
If that is too much information for you, then my suggestion is this.
Scram.


I love penne, radicchio, baby spinach, pancetta, diced onion, garlic, good olive oil and a little stock.
And fresh grated parm.
And a glass of passionfruit carrot juice.
And pink Himalayan salt.







I 'love' dinner at Pink Pony with happy couples.
Tastes like bitter.
JK seriously I like eating dinner there.
With those people.
Also the 8 other people who were at the table.
It was a big table.
I love big tables?
Yes.
Also a truth, I just decided.


I love how JensRocker looked at her going away party.
I love the lighting on the roof deck thing at The Delancey.
I also love that she is going to go somewhere and try something new, which is brave and smart and free.


I love my niece when we lunch at B Bar.


I love giving her a purple turtle tail.


I love her guilty-ass Oreo ice cream bar face situation.


I love being the one to get her nudies in the fountain at my favorite park.
I also love how much she looks like her mom.
I also love that her mom is my sister and her stomach is hugely preggs again.


I love baby hair.
I love how shes eating.
Again.
For the 18th time.
In like 2 hours.


I love JJ being with my family.
Or being in my family.
Same diff.


I love Mega Beth and how she haggled a bum over long stem rose pricing.
$3?
NO.
2 FOR $5.
THANKS.
I love that I got the other one.
Because it made me feel pretty walking home with it.


I love the way it feels when the x ray tech drapes you with a lead apron.
Weight.
You're like a rock sinking into a river.
It makes me lethargic in the most awesome way.
I've been thinking about it for days actually.
I am pretty sure that puts me at a new level of creepy bordering on serial killer status.
But I would never kill anyone because look at all this shit I love.
I am so full of love that it hurts a little bit.

In a good way.

It is officially time to stop talking.

(PS my other sewlmate. Prince Rogers Nelson. His birthday just ended 33 minutes ago. Holler atcher Jeyhovah Wit. XO)

I would say that means you "enjoyed" it.

Too many things none are interesting.

Today was my first afternoon session with a new character in my life.
His name is Claude.
He is a doctor who reminds me of an actor.
I want to say hes like Willie Garson from Sex and the City.

But he's got something is in there as well to balance out the extreme gayness.
Plus, Claude has a wife.
Not that having a wife un-gays you, but whatever.
Not the point.
Claude is my new cognitive behavioral therapist, and he uses the word fuck randomly in discussion.
That is something I enjoy.
I hope he wasn't doing it because he wants to come off as 'relatable' to a young saucy bitch such as meself.
Anyway, I feel really good about seeing Claude every Monday afternoon, I think I will slowly but surely become less of an emotional extremist and more capable of non destructive behavior.
Talking about therapy on a blog may be TMI but NBD.
FU.

I have taken a lot of bad pictures in the last few weeks and have not cared to share them.
Because they are bad.

Speaking of bad.
I'm at my desk facing the window out to the courtyard where the scary stray cats rule.
Cinnamon just gently climbed in my lap and hissed quietly an her breath went directly up my nostril and it was disgusting.
She likes to hiss AT THE YARD whether or not she can see any other cats.
Thats because cats are stupid.
I mean, they are smart, but not smart like us.
At least they are not stupid like dogs.
Now everyone with a stupid dog is going to get pissed off but lets just face the facts, dogs are really dumb.
The end.

I was talking about bad pictures.
Here go.


Couple weeks ago we took a trip out to Rockaway.


Thanks for driving and making us lay in the back so cops wouldn't pull you over.



I have to dig a hole when I go to the beach.
Just the way it is.
I like the feeling.
I silently throw my self loathing inside.
Wahh.


We played frisbee.
Did some frisbahhh tricks.
Under the leg.
Behind the back.
Matthew McConaughey taught us.
Hes good at that shit.



Please find here an Ultimate Frisbee Slang dictionary.


Denise did this as usual.
Then she legally changed her name to Whatever, Man.

More beautiful than the beach are the sheets that hang from the 'shops' on Pike street come summer.
The chinamen use them to shade their little heads from the blazing sun.
Also to smoke behind and peek out from.
Mmmmkay.

I would ask to buy this one, but its been hanging there for 3 years.
Swine fru.

Then at some point it was Levin's birthday.
Him and Stephanie did things like this:

Being their third wheel is not that bad at all.
I'm not being sarcastic by the way.


Getting drunk on your birthday means wearing sunglasses inside of bars apparently.

Later that night I saw Alice and she did things like this.



I just tried to google what the racist term for Australian is, but the only one even moderately funny is Dingo Fucker.
Sorry to say Alice, but you are now Dingo Fucker in my mind maybe forever.
Yay!


Jen told me what she will miss the most when she leaves New York are the 10 dollar cigarettes.
Psht.
Fine, go to a tropical island and spend 3 dollars a pack instead.
Terrific.
Won't miss you.
Kthxbai.
(please also note the gear of the guy behind her. then tell me who exactly he thinks he is supposed to be)
Speaking of the kid, Thursday night Don Voyage:



Then this existed.

A week later this shirt happened:

Before.

After.

He cooked us chicken sausage and scrimp on the barbie for Memorial Day.
Then I dribbled a Spongebob Squarepants bouncy ball from 6th avenue over to ave A.
I suggest everyone take this as a challenge.
You will enjoy.


I bet whoever wrote this is a dickhole.

Then it was Kikis birthday the other day.
Cheap Shots plays a lot of Van Halen but at least she got to drink for free.



rarr rarr rarr


wait I need eyeliner.


Corrine Weiner came eventhough everyone hates her.


Audrey Hep or saaanthing.

They got me to Williamsburg for a party in a basement.
Really?

Mhm.


Molly and Raf did this for awhile.
Its called Pieeertah or something.
Art History.
I slept a lot.
Someone can google it and then correct me.


Latinos.
They do it better maybe.


People in Williamburg are so knee deep in their own shit, I mean ART, that they can hardly breathe.
Its amazing.

Now that I've insulted, generalized, and judged my work for today is done.
I have to watch the Bachelorette and eat noodles.
Sexy.