Martha Stewart Living on the edge

Re: title of this blog, I'm REALLY good at Wheel of Fortune 'Before and After' puzzles.
Constructing them and solving them.
Just another thing I'm good at that will never get me ahead in life.
Big Whoop.

OK.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS, THE MAN WHO SPEAKS TO MY SOUL EVERY DAY, MY HEART, MY TALL ONE, MY ITTLE JARN DOLL, MY DEAD DEAD.
I love you Jon Walter, you are 26 and alive as anyone could ever be.
Jon's self portrait



Sew.
I've been neglecting my blog obviously.
I want to be witty and talkative but I feel like I just can't.
I think being unemployed has made me less of a person.
The last week and a half has been brunches, beer, east village, LES, chinatown, puppets, happy hour, bikes, girls, boys, and ridiculously unstable weather conditions.
I also read a couple magazines, watched a lot of dvds, did extensive research on future film releases/trailers, and found out the following:
If I leave my windows open at night, my cats shriek absurdly loud at the strays in the courtyard.
At 5am.
Its.
Terrifying.

For now, here are some photographic memories.


Russians and pudgy Latinas def have the shitty shoe market on lock.


this ad gave me a boner everytime I saw it in the subway.
I watched an episode on youtube.
Was it exactly what I expected and wanted?
YES.
PS I watched it with a nine year old boy and it led to this kind of behaviour:



Had a night out on the sidewalk in the EVil with these weirdos.
Me and Jess talked about how the water in Jersey makes the bagels better.
Will shouted "ZOE!" at every woman that passed by.
They sort of act like a creepy married couple that everyone is scared to do dinner with. Except they aren't married. Or dating. Or attracted to eachother. NBW.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.


These two were being funny I think.
Liv is doing 'story hands'


We wound up at a hookah bar full of creepy Armenians.
Speakers blasting Cece Peniston.
Erman is Armenian but was completely out of his element.
We candle read his tattoos.

That was the first night of ill weather.
I got my butt grabbed by an old dirty lesbian dopehead.
I got epic blisters from wearing wedge heels for the first time this season.
Hiyme drank 48 Red Bulls.
It was such a good memory.
All of it.

***I JUST TOOK A 20 MINUTE BREAK FROM THIS BLOG TO SEND RESUMES. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB. THANK YOU KINDLY.***

Ok, I'm back.
Oh yeah, I went to a spa upstate with Nan, that was really relaxing and extremely boring.
My mom is so awesome because we go places together and do nothing really and have a great time.
The fullbody Swedish massages were godly.

No one ever cares about what other people vacations look like, so I'll make this short...


I'm always a little sad to say goodbye to New York
Even for just a few days.


As soon as we got to this place we immediately put on robes and spa-ed the fuck out.
When I say immediately I mean it.
Ps does anything smell better than a good spa room?
No.
Is the answer.


This sign expresses exactly the vibe at the Mohonk Mountain House.
QUIET PLEASE.
There were no tvs.
No bars so to speak.
Quaker balling.


My moms gear is always 1. sparkly 2. colorful 3. teenager-like








Water Therapy




Not planned.
I was ecstatic about this.
Nan on the other hand, not so much.
The room was unusually hot.
That is not a bad joke, its just an ironic truth.


Went shopping in a hippie town nearby, and when we returned to the mountain house it snowed.
So. Lame.
It was 4/20 by the way and here are two things that will illustrate how New Paltz, NY gets down:

advertisement for the local entertainment


novelty stoner item sadly discarded.

OK I'm over taking about the spa, I liked it, it was sleepy, my mom kicks your moms ass.
Non-literally speaking.
My mom wouldn't fight your mom, shes a peacemaker.

Moving on.


Sour Rocker


Babyface Bowman


Sean Connery's grandson, Steven James.

Its been getting hot so we are all doing this stuff:


Amazing brunch season.
LOOK AT THOSE PANCAKES.


Riding bikes past shitty yet epic graf downtown with my main girl.
(this photo dedicated to said main girl Jeylan, I really might not be able to smile without you. Pause)

Ride to a BBQ.


rooftops.


gnome offerings.


people who have their shit together live in this fashion.


Oh hai.


Sometimes I think Stephanie looks like someone who should be an agent for really obnoxious young actors.


Please note Wyatts hangover face. It is perfect.
PS the olive oil looks like Jagermeister.
Why are people in marketing so fucking retarded?


I look like I design bongs but I really design Prada sunglasses.
I also have the most infectious laugh known to man.
Also my name is Brock.
Win.

Sitting outside at bars is always a good look in the hot ass evening.


Is it just me or is this fucking cute?




My bike is suitable for anyone really.
25 year old girls with short legs.
Grown men.
Whatever.


Hey gurl.


ConRAD attempting to take his name to a very literal level.

Sunbathing in Bushwick with Marion healed all pain.








Saw this baller from the J train stairwell.
He inspired me with color.

Also inspiring.
Boxing Jew puppetry.







Is anyone tired of this blog post yet?
I am.
Truly.

This has gone on too long and my fingers hurt.

Thats what he said.

ZING!

Holler please.

Sew, I think I might go on a date tomorrow.
That means one of two things for you, blog reader/stalker.
A. It will go horrible and I will be able to tell you all the glorious details. Then none of us will know whether to laugh or cry.
B. It will be good, therefor I will share zero details and I will start writing his surname in cursive on little pieces of paper. JK I don't do that. JK I totally do that.

Anyway, wish me luck, even though luck doesn't exist dummies.
Its kind of perfect timing matter of fact because tomorrow Venus exits its long torturous existence in retrograde and goes direct.
For more information on this, please email me with the subject line "I'm a total faggot and I want to know more about astrology don't tell anyone"
And I promise to really not tell anyone.

PS.
My cats are so obsessed with me I can't handle it anymore. When people say animals don't feel love, I want to ask them to please come over for one hour and witness.
As I type, they are hovering around me smelling my eyelashes and nudging my hands and meowing. It is so precious and also I want to throw both of them out the window.

So I keep wanting to leave New York.
For Easter aka Disgusting Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham Day, I went to Jersey to see my mum and Olive came with.
I drank too much and ate a bag of Fritos and cried in the bathroom.
Needless to say it was awesome.
I woke up in the morning with 3 empty Capri Suns on the floor by the bed and a killer headache. I'm pretty sure it was off the scale galpal shit going on.


One of my oldest and most inappropriate friends.
Holler please.
PS she is the only person in the universe that I don't hate for having piercings in her face.
And if I did have a problem with it, she would rearrange all of my internal organs with her bare hands.
Then rip my vagina off with maniacal brute strength.


Sometimes it is weird to me that Jeylan and I grew up around the corner from eachother. And we still sort of live around the corner from each other, only in a different state.
Its because we are codependant. Fuck off.
Hi, these are the people I love.
Murphs face is the real.


Hi Bestie.
That ugly ass facial expression will never stop my deep deep love.
You know best friend loyalty when you decide its time to lay on the floor and ask them, "what will I do when I die and we're apart?"
and they respond, "Oh honey, that won't happen" then roll their eyes and hug you.
Strangely enough, I'm pretty sure that if there are two humans who can defeat the rules of death in order to not have to be separated, its me and Alisha.
No big whoop.

Enough of that.

Olive wanted to take pictures at the beach the next day so we drove to Deal Beach, which just so hapens to be where HER mom had a summer house as a kid.
Heres me documenting her documenting to send a picture text to her mom in Hollywood.
Complicated?
Pay attention and it won't be.


I took of my shoes for photo shoot time despite the fact that the sand was cold as Canadian balls.
The majesty of the ocean makes it all worthwhile.








As a general rule, fillins in affluent suburban communities are a stupid look.


Olive gazing at the sea for her Popeye.


Hopefully there will be one or two pictures of me not scowling in the 48 rolls of film Olive shot.


Look what I found!


I tried to absorb the powers of Fin Raziel.
I can't tell if it worked yet.
Hey nerd, stop talking about Willow all the time.
OK sorry.
Its just a really good movie on all fronts.

Moral of the story.
I don't feel like blogging anymore because Molly is here.
My friends are cute.
I like the ocean.
The ocean likes me back.
I hate wearing shoes.
I love Fritos.
I'm having a weird hair day.

Wish me luck on my crappy date.

Holler Please.

Open Letter

Dear Nick,

Lets be real, you are too cool to read blogs.
But I'm sure with our gossipy friends, this will get back to you anyway.
Remember when I hated you and then we sort of tried to fight at Sweet Paradise?
I told you good thing you wear glasses or else I would have to punch you.
Then you called me a bitch probably, which is pretty accurate.
But now I think you're great!
Why?
Because who cares.
Good times for all.
Werking it out thats the goal.
Best part is now we get to have booze fueled H2Hs (heart to hearts) whenever we see eachother. Win Win.
How did I not see your weirdo videos until right now? Not really sure.
But I'm really glad that around 3 minutes and 15 seconds (exactly) you work in a little footage of me fully displaying my underground disdain for all that you are.
JK you're the best.
(Fag)


Also this video held my attention for an entire 7 minutes.
Amazing.


TVTV 1 from TV TV on Vimeo.

the teachers

I loved Big Bird to an intense degree as a kid. I had this very large talking Big Bird doll that played tapes you loaded into his back. And I loved that movie, Follow That Bird.
Turns out the guy who made all the music for the film is Van Dyke Parks, who also worked on my favorite album of all time, Ys by Joanna Newsom. What a lovely coincidence.
I digress.
I used to cry at the end of the episodes of Sesame Street because they meant so much to me. There was a strange loneliness hearing the closing music and seeing... 'this episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by....'
James Taylor singing Jelly Man Kelly with the kids and the tuba singer?
Down, down baby I can do karate? Down down baby I can call my mommy?
The pinball machine cartoons?
My Name is You?
Patty Labelle singing "How I Miss My X?"

I mean really.
It goes down as the most inspiring element of my whole childhood.

Who we are and how we work through things has so much to do with the people we look to when we feel a new feeling. Its really simple maybe.


I'm hoping its not some terrible omen, but I came across this amazing clip that aired after Mr. Hooper died on Sesame Street.
Instead of avoiding the subject, replacing the actor, and brushing it under the rug, the adults on Sesame Street tell Big Bird.

The same way I felt 20 years ago, I feel now seeing this.

I don't think I've come across something this beautiful in a very long time.
I hope you watch it friends.

Damn girl your big toes the star of the show

1943, Tex Avery.
Legendary.
Some nights I just want to watch cartoons and eat chocolate pretzels.
Deal with it.




City Wolf loves them rural gurls in the end....

Very Gullible.

I haven't talked about my friends on here for awhile.
Did some stuff with them, it was great, they all looked fantastic, I talked too much, they let me. I spent money, they didn't stop me... thanks a lot assholes, and yes, you are my personal accountants/babysitters.

So since being FIRED a week ago, thats really all I've been doing.
Leaning on my friends.
So I don't lose my shit.
I have yet to freak out by the way.
It just hasn't hit me that I am one of the club.
The recession failure jobless deadbeat club.

In other news

Will and Olivia became radioactive.


Molly and Yoshi started a ghost story night at this bar.

Not really to both of those things.
These are the only pictures I have that came out from two separate visits to Home Sweet Home with master bartender/can't-control-the-volume-of-my-voice co-sufferer, Jen.
She and I screamed for a good 5 minutes the other night about both receiving identical lame severance packages when fired.
Thats the great thing, my friends are always willing to yell about things with me. TandemYell.

One night I went to Brooklyn to see Corrine and Butch's new apt with Stephanie. I found out one very important thing. There is no place more boring in the universe than Park Slope.
Unless you have a husband and you're both strapped down with BabyBjorns and you have fucking given up on the possibility of titillation.
They should rename it Apathy Slope.
That place is so absurdly non threatening and boring, this is the scariest graffiti they could come up with:

"DOG"???
You can't even enforce your notification with an ACTUAL dog?
Just a hypothetical dog???
Hatechu.


No one has ever been better suited to have the surname Weiner.
The other other options for Corrine would be if she was named Corrine Faggetron or Corrine ShitShow.
PS, Corrine and Butch have excellent apartment design skills.

I don't know what else I did with my friends because I didn't take pictures of any of it.
I bought a bike.
I did brunches.
I drank some vodka at some places.
I had a couple sleepovahs.
The usual.

Then yesterday I went BACK to Brooklyn (thank god this time to Williamsburg, which, in comparison to Doldrum Slope is ELECTRIFYING)


Dollar mini pitchers? Yes, I will leave Manahatta for that.
Sidenote: Levin and I managed to find the worst cab driver ever to take us from Bowery and Delancey into Brooklyn.
That is not far.
This man bitched the ENTIRE ride asking for info such as "exactly how many blocks are we going?" "Is it very close?" "Can I take this all the way out to Long Island City?"
OHMYGAYGOD shut up.
Stephanie got in the cab and very aggressively requested that he stop asking so many questions at "3 oclock in the goddamn afternoon"
Don't worry, I calmed him down.
Alternate universe?
Yes maybe, but I really did.

Oh great, our destination.

The place was fuckin packed.

We saw a few people outside.
First we saw Sherlock Homeboy with a detective hat and beige trench coat.
Then we saw a Maury Povich couple. Meaning "opposites."
The girl was so tiny and the man was so tall, she only came up to his elbow.
Heres Raffi demonstrating what it looks like when she tries to hold his hand:



Mr Kiki thinks its ok to laugh at the expense of others.
I wholeheartedly agree.


I realized right after I took this picture that it almost perfectly explains these two people.
Stephanie agreed with me by shouting "YES. YES."
Dan agreed with me in the form of a creepy smile.


This is how I look when I'm content.
No, that is not depressed or disgusted.
It's CONTENT.
Please peep the large woman behind me at the bar.
She was sporting a ITALIA athletic ensemble and sunglasses.
Don't worry, I'm sure shes just a giant harmless lesbian with mafia ties and a gun in her 89 Cavalier.


Thumbs up for jewish holidays I guess.


Chiara being in awe of her best friend Raffi.
So gay.


I wish I had these first.
Oakleys are a good look when you have a certain shaped head.
Win.
I should definitely cop a pair of sexy glasses soon so I can use all of my lady swagger to pick up a man just like this:

Why is Kevin Federline's head posted up in a Brooklyn salon?
I don't know.


The icing on the cake was taking the train to Stephs later and seeing RasTrent.
Unfortunately I didn't get any closer so you can't fully experience the cheesiness of the White Guy Dreads Adorned With Woven Hat.

Then I ate almonds and fell asleep.
Then Stephanie yelled at me to get up and we went to a party.
Then I paid too much money for a drink and walked home with Molly.
Then I got Bahn Mi.
It make me feel smiley like this:


Tomorrow I go to New Jersey to see my family.
I hate both ham and deviled eggs, the traditional Easter food.
I will complain for a little while then make salads and roast chicken.
I will also eat tons of cheese and crackers and watch hours upon hours of VH1.
Then I will get drunk and sit in the backyard.
Basically its a dream.
Huzzah.

so dark. so beardy.

Is it weird that I think I just got a phantom boner?

my sound

I was walking with Nikki and Jeylan the other night in Chinatown and I heard something and I felt like I didn't know where I was all the sudden.
Someone had a windchime hanging on their fire escape and when I felt the wind and heard the sound, all I could see was my mom.
Me and her on the shore staying at a friends condo. Walking in this little cape town together going into these shops where I bought her a present, some little glass thing.
And she bought windchimes.

I suggest you close your eyes for a few minutes.

Eskimo Heart

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Inuit.