Last time I checked this gets filed under the Shitstorm kitiguree

Oh Em Gee. So Henry was telling me about how horse dicks have to get cleaned because they get so much smegma so I google image searched smegma and it was disgusto.
Surprise?
Not really.
I hate viscosity.

Shit is so so fucked up right now I can't even think about it or I will wile out on everyone.
I'm not complaining by the way.
But if you see me on the streets don't think I don't know how creepy and manic I'm being, I totally know.
I'm pretty much cruising around 3 seconds away from sticking forks in my eyes and doing homeless person talky to selfie behavior.

Moving on from that fuckery.

Sam shot the look book for Bess (which is so fucking hot goth beeteedubs) and I went along to 'help her' meaning I did very very little.
But I sort of want to own every single thing in that showroom.

Who cares.
Heres some dumb ugly pictures.


The work/shooting space for Bess is in Keith Harings old joint. Gimme the Hi5!


Gravity Tank?
Sick.


Sicker=the hot gay porn selection in that place.
We observed many a bear daddy/whips up the butt/vintage hairiness.
It was a dream basically.
The only thing I saw that crossed the line was a dude with a candle stuck up his pee hole. Yes I know its called a urethra, relax nerds.


Stab all of these shits with studs and grommets and put it up for sale.
I'm buying.


Stevie did pretty makeup.


Look a model eating


So BTS
(behind the scenes dumdum)


Stevie liked dusting his nipples.
It was very sexual for all of us.


What a Fight Club bod.
I guess its good but I like boys a lil fatty.
Just my taste.


I want these clothes.
Pants that zip all the way crotch to booty are really next lev.
I don't know if I could pull it off.
But I would work that studded leather garter all night.
All day.
Always.


Also those are my fav boots.
Can I have a boif that wears this shit please?
Thanks.
I found out I have a slight Norwegian Death Metal Fetish.

So then I got tired of taking pictures of this shit and took a serious break.
I took zero pics of the female model who was super cute and sexah and the clothes were also amazing.
Whatever maybe I just like looking at boys more than girls.
Big deal.


The next time I took out my camera was to snap Stevie making up Doug, who is the AMAZING designer/owner/HBIC of Bess. He totally looks like Perry Farell. Hes a trip. In the best way.
I sort of want to hold him in my arms while we listen to Rolling Stones Lullabies.
Wesley in the back looking all like somebody farted.
I think we are kindred bitch spirits maybe.

Nothing else happened, it was a super long day, etc etc, I got gifted an amazing tee with the tarot card for Death on it. So official.

I did one of those weird things where I started this blog, left it for like 2 hours, and came back to it and now I'm over the whole thing.
Me and Molly went to Beauty Bar later and said hi to Jen.






iz dummiez


iz happiez

Late night.
Accidentally tipped the cab driver 20 dollars on the way home.
Stupid.
Had the worst phone conversation of my life when I got home.
Thank god Molly slept ova or else I would have had no one to wake up to and walk to Pho Bang with.
A bowl of beef pho could probably fix anything.
I dare you to test that shit and say I'm wrong.
Unless youre a vegetarian.
In that case youre a fagget anyway so who cares.

Google "Naked Ouiji' and you get nothing interesting.

Typically ambivalent about the photography of strangers, I found this on flickr and decided I love it for unknown reasons.
Maybe because the title is

Through Being Cool

*Molly says this model has roast beef, but I say Roast Beef For Everyone!
A vaginas a vaginas a vagina, right?

I believe the photographers name is Nathan Appel.
Kudos Natedog.

Also loving right now?
Google image searches for "erotic drawings".
Gets you results something like this:


I feel like my friends moms who read my blog (they exist) will soon start to hate me.

Important PS-
I miss Knuckle Sandwich.
Today especially.

Supersoak that ho

Air horn blasts!!!



This shit really got me.


All totally appropriate.

Nothings fair after that either dummy

I just thought right now of this awesome memory I have about being in a pool.

I think I was between 9 and 11 years old and me and my mom went to Florida to stay in a house, I think it was my great aunt and uncles house...John and Ellen? When my brother was a baby he put their names together and called them "Jellen"
Presh.

Maybe my parents were on their way to splitting up, or basically split up, I would imagine thats how I ended up somewhere alone with my mom.
I was reading this super dramatic young adult book about a fat girl who no one was nice to, and she gave some girls satchels of lavender she made, picked from her yard. Thats how she wooed them.
PS I was reading all kinds of things at that age, but this shit I would still read right now, its like reading OK Magazine.
Girls are 12 forever, that is a fact.

Is it just me or is the girl with the bun looking in the mirror a little fox in the making?
Anyway I spend basically a whole day on a float in a pool inside a screened porch. Reading a book by a lady named Barthe.
The water was the temperature of the air.
Then my mom made tuna sandwiches and they were really good.
I wish I was there right now.

Also, I was a was "here" right now.

This is a picture of me peeing in an alley in like 2004.
Its probably the first time I hung out with Bianca and Stephanie and I don't remember who else because I was drunk.
It was really fun I think?
And it was one of the few times I remember during my relash with youknowwho that I didn't get yelled at for hanging out with girls.
He was a total hater when it came to me making my own friends.
C'est la vie.
Another fun fact about life circa 04...
I was really really good at peepeeing in bottles.
Now that you know everything about my urinating style, I think I can move on.
*Thanks Bianca for sending me all these weird fucking pictures where we were all at least 15 pounds thinner.
Great.
I love being 25.
Awes.


BeeTeeDubbs, what happened to this nigga?

Ugh he is so petite feet feminine step I can't bear it.
Hes like a baby bird.
He really sort of bites my man Prince with all that motorcycle riding and pruning though.

Lets discuss clothes now.
Ebay is currently amazing.
There is so much I want!
But I don't have any money.

Why are all the girls who model vintage dresses on ebay so ana?
I decided it needed a term, so I settled on FauxPosh.
Per examplaaaay-

You look more like Hungry Spice, bish.

Sorry, someone lit some hateration incense in the gyps den tonight.
Smells like Indian food and baby oil.

XO!

Bodor Alert

I had to go out last night because two nights ago I committed suicide aka watched The Brothers Solomon (negative funny)(how is that possible with Kristen Wiig and Will Arnett I don't know)
and counted change in bed.




Fact: Trannies do not wear deoderant.
Fact: Thats ok with me unless there is furious sweaty dancing involved.

Last night I went to Judy Judy Judy to meet Olivia and John and Hiyme.
Then Molly came and met us.
Denise was there for three seconds but did not stay to party.

Great Job Denise.
You missed a lot of Warren G and some 1950s rug cutter jams.

I was misinformed when I was told it was a booty bass type of night but the dj was really killing it anyway.
Until he threw in The Boy Is Mine.
But I guess thats what you get on queer night.


Oh great they're making out again.
Never stops.


John looked like a gay elf.


Some hot bitch gave me these glasses that double as a straw for yo drink.
I look like Al Franken.


So much more fun than staying home to watch eps of Intervention about diabetes.
The gays took a liking to Molly I think because she didn't wear a bra.


The bartender was not wearing underwear and you could see his crack to extreme but its fine because he was super hot homo status.
It that a Real Doll propped up in the back?


Hideous.

We left and walked around and it was cold and we went to Fish.
I always forget that its not that fun there.
Not Fun=Stay for about 10 minutes.

*The thing I just right now realized is that the issue with that place is the whole no dancing thing.
I am really not feeling bars where no one ever dances.
I feel like if someone danced in the Fish, they would get a bottle thrown at their head.


High Hater?
Really?


Typical we did this for about 3 hours.








Don't you ever forget to prune.




Then we did the Partys Over Terrified Fake Smile Go To Bed.



Today we ate at the Diner and got free juice and coffee and saw a Korean Pop Star/prostitot.
Molly used the adjective wicked about thrice per sentence.
Why you so Boston?

Ps.
I saw the Chinese broke ass Johnnny Depp a few days ago.

The fashion in chinatown is so next level.

I crawl they jog it out

I just cried about 6 times in the last 90 minutes.
Young @ Heart is one of the most touching inspiring life affirming films I've ever seen.
Old happy people singing rock songs.
Big deal.

Well try this 3 minutes on for size.

If that doesn't make you feel something somewhere in yourself, you deserve to die.
The man leading the chorus, Fred, has apparently passed away since the taping.
His voice reminds me of Johnny Cash.
You would think he could have been some legendary person, but he's just a guy who loved his wife for 54 years and did his thing.

The critics pretty unanimously adore this movie, and they rave about the scene where the Young @ Heart singers perform for the inmates at a prison.
There really are so few things you see in film and on television that have any relevance to humanity...
This movie kicks the shit out of 99% of the competish.
I am just blown away completely, so I have to go to bed and try to wake up tomorrow as thankful and joyous and alive as a bunch of 82 year olds.

And then I took my shirt off! What!?!?

My plan over the holidays was to make some kind of year in review with photos then I realized it would be a lot of work so its just gonna have to wait until one of those days where I'm sitting at my desk drinking a beer staring up the fireplace yelling at my cats whatever it is I do when I'm just out of ideas. I have been off of work for too long, nearly two weeks. I am losing my fiyah.
This New Years was by far the most low key I've ever seen, and on a truly grand scale.
Little parties in Brooklyn. Cover charges at bars no one wanted to pay. Stupid gatherings that looked alright on paper and turned out to be a total waste of cab fare getting over. Five of my dear friends were/are out of the country therefor no good to me so to speak.
Actually six friends out of the country now that I calculate correctly. No smooch at midnight. The Uj.
This is quickly spiraling into a sob story blog so I think I should just stop.

Wonder what these two did for NYE. Party hard? No doubt.


Jameson and makeup.
A girl must plan for adventure whether or not it ever actually surfaces.

Then I guess I dropped a snake in her pants.
That joke originated in the non sexual realm of my brain.


Me Sam and Jijo hit the streets.
Chinatown looks so glamorous.
And smells so glamorous.
I think glamour probably smells like lotion made of gold dust diamonds and tiger pee.


Peace 2008.
You've been lame!


This explains the party we were at when the ball dropped.
My balls dropped.
It stunk.


Went searching for Turkish Delight over on her block, but she was watching movies and drinking wine.
I think that, coupled with an empty bar at Lil F explains exactly how fucking twilight zone the last night of 08 was.
Geigh.
Very geigh.
Plus the bruschetta was totally not on point.
What?
It hurts to even say it but it is true.

This is the point where we gave up the search for the partytimes and got cake and pie and cookies and went dungeon apartment status.
Best idea ever?
Sure.

If you wanna know how cold it was between Dumbo and the LES, it was about this cold:

Eyyo Linus!

Back in Manahatta things were looking up a little, but not until we found these masks, thanks Liv and Hiyme for having creepy shit in your house.



If there are albino babies in hell, they look like this.
They also must have done something really bad because what kind of baby gets banished to hell?
This is a question I do not want to know the answer to.
Maybe its a rapin baby.
To quote a disgusting conversation I took part in the other day; maybe the scenario is that the baby killed a kitten and then used the kittens paw to molester someones crotch.
Imagine that!


The Twin Peaks DVD makes it that much creepier.


Surprise surprise look who takes it to another level.
Me and Sam did some nudie/stockings photos because what better way to start a year than with sexytime weirdo fetish fun?
Jijo watched Fear, the classic film detailing the love affair of a psychotic Wahlberg and a appleheaded Witherspoon mid 1990s.
Say hello to ya motha for me!


After that, me and Joaquin mainlined alcohol for a few hours and played chess against eachother in a giant bathtub filled with koi fish.
The whole thing was inspired by his hairdo.
Obv.

Barrettes for men. New shit.

Just kidding, the WaKeeeeen sitch only happened in my mind.
I like how I had to say just kidding like it was at all plausible.



But seriously look at this picture and tell me WahKeeeynuh wouldn't love to do shit like this together?
I wish I could see him in tights with his bloated flesh hanging over the waistband.
Ugh so amazing.
Glitter everywhere.

I should prob photo cred Sammy for all the radical shots she took/takes on a daily basis.
Her flickr is a good place to go see T&A in an artsy way.
That rhymes!
Hire me!

I imagine more shots from New Years will make it up there eventually.
But for now there's just one of my butt which as I have said before, is my best ASSet.
Basically I should just start walking around backwards.
Don't hate.
It would only be conceited if A. it wasn't true or B. I had pretty enough of a face to make people jealous which I don't.

In closing, I hope to spend the year of 2009 with the following people:

1. Mah Boo, fingers crossed
2. my gal pals
3. my cats
4. people who tell good stories
5. people who have good comic timing
6. obviously my fam, in small doses
7. your hot mom
8. HwaaahKeeenuh! (and his barrettes)
9. my own personal band of backup singers who follow me around singing the funny things I say after I say them (like a musical echo of sorts)
10. my own radical self

XO!
May you have all the nightmares you ever wished for...










*BTdubbs, Liv Hiyme and Maudular:
We ended up in your apartment again because it was the closest and (wrongly) presumed to be the warmest.
Think of it as a compliment.
If would have been way greater if you were here with us, but you are just too good for your home aren't you?
Out there riding horses on the beach and eating burritos and laughing while you sun your smiley ass faces.
I love you very much, but its all just too much to think about.
By the way, your bed should be used as a lethal weapon to get terrorists to fall to sleepies instead of bombing shit.
It can not be resisted.

This whole nap sitch

Never napping at night again.
NNNNNNNNNNN.

TER-giiit lady!!!!!!