I love you Dracula.

If you don't watch this I will bite your fingers off.

Guys with two earrings... Bi or just douchbags?

Past few days I am intermittently overjoyed and freaked out.
Mostly joy.
It is too fucking hot in the city and I would love to run off to some windy place or jump in the ocean.
The season is pretty glorious aside from the fact that I sweat like a pig.
In case you haven't seen me lately, I basically wear the same thing every day.
A tshirt with a little black spandex skirt and moccasins.
It is the best thing ever. That is what I am meant to look like.
Trashy. And happy.
The only problem is, spandex makes me drip. I feel like there is a little river drifting down my legs every time I walk greater than two blocks.
So needless to say, walking from my place to Whole Foods on E Houston Friday was not glorious.
I was meant to meet Wendita out front to go get some after work drinks.
Not that I worked Friday but she did.
It took us 48 phone calls from across the street to find each other.
But it was all well worth it.
We got the slushiest margaritas ever at Sweet and Vicious. De.Lish.



We shittalked for a couple hours mostly about boys and work. And clothes. And other girl things.
I like it when Wendy gets a little tipsy and her Harlem Dominican personality comes out blazing. The little hand waving neck snapping hip wiggling situation makes me SO HAPPY. Also the "you go girl casual high five." Priceless. Love you Dita.
What a nice little catch up to start the weekend.


Your smile lights up my life sistergirlfriend.


So we departed to the tune of her getting a call from a broker about some big fat commission she is getting and me heading off to Brooknah with Sammy.
Friends from the west coast (mehhh) Delta Spirit were playing late at Union Hall, and of course LA Amy was here to support her man, the talented bass guitarist Jon.
I hate how cute and pure they are. Now that Amy is blonde they appear even more innocent and sun kissed and lovable. Gross. Jon buys Amy white wines and they laugh at each others little jokeys and Amy stands right up front when they perform.
Yes, I'm jealous. Big deal. We all wanna loooooove somebaaaaaaaady.
Also people who live in California are way too blessed. They smile all day and tell lighthearted tales of what trick they are currently teaching their two dogs.
Fuck you.


This is what Sammy looked like after a Union Hall veggie burger, sweet potato fries, a couple drinks, and some painkillers. Babys got a bad back she deserves some treats. It was also really amazing to watch her walk around using an umbrella as a cane.

Anyway Delta Spirit was amazing duh.

http://www.myspace.com/deltaspirit

Soul searching people come on?

I did a little tequila swingin toe tappin NBD.
Sammy sings along to some of the songs which is so creepy because it just is, I'm not sure what the reason.
Also they are a HANDSOME MAN BAND.



Sigh.
What the hell is that about? I feel like I am always mentioning a band with cute boys in it. Probably because I am.
Also they have a friend who looks exactly like Tally Dead Dead and it made me miss him lots!
So yeah it was debauchery after the show, mild debauchery. I have a little baby crush on Kelly because hes fucking cute. Like a lazy version of Ryan Gosling plus a couple pointy dog teeth and a fantastic sense of humor. We talked about Tim and Eric Awesome Show for about an hour. Chester Chester Avenue! Saturday, California AKA Browntown! Wanna meet that dad!
What a catch. Those lucky little California sluts.


Fast forward to post performance, Sammy is now molesting cups of beer and telling Brendan that she's his pony if hes her salt lick.
What??
Samantha Westholme Sculley, you brazen bitch. I felt like I was in one of those dirty novellas you read in the back of the library, blushing. The ones that are super cheesy gross and dreamy at the same time.


Amy as a blonde is just really overwhelming my senses. In a good way. In a Playboy bunny way. She was also wearing a little black tube top jumper/shorts thing so basically it was spicy. Amy was spicy.


Anyway we all ended up in the DEPTHS of Brooklyn it was really not my style.
the only bar we could find for a "nightcap" was some place called Gingers. There were a couple wigger lesbians inside and a few old dudes. I had given up tequila at that point due to killer heartburn and had some Heineken. I got moderately teased by Brendan the drummer about how me and Kelly should be making out. This needs to be explained because I then realized I say funny things so I wont feel embarrassed. Instead of getting flustered i asked him if he knows he looks like Steve Guttenberg.
Thank you, I'll be here all night.

I had some fun, yes I did.
I wish everyone could stick around for a couple more days, Amy is never here and shes a pretty good gal. And the boys are quality fun time party blast off winner dollfaces.



So yeah, continued on down the road of a live music fiend and saw Aloke last night at Rehab again. I really like Rehab actually because people DANCE. Nice change.
Stephanie, Dop, Fan, Liv, Hiyme and I were all mightily overwhelmed by the volume which was out of control. My entire face ached basically.

Holy shit the sky just opened the rain is drowning my backyard.

Ok, yeah, so, the show was really good, a lot of gratuitous hair swinging and neck thrashing on the stage.

After the set Steph and I danced it out for awhile upstairs and I got molested by some sleazy dude and had to give him the old, "Excuse me but I'm dancing ALONE ok? This is my space right here, thanksverymuchhhah"

The crazy thing was, the whole night I had my eye on Dop who is going through a hard hard time right now. Some guy was trying get the ins with her and it scared me half to death.
She was like, "Hes a good listener, he bought me a beer, he looks like a firefighter."
To which I replied so wisely, "He wants to put things in your butthole Katie, and maybe hes a firefighter but he actually looks like he rescues the victims and then does sex to their burning bodies"

I think I hated all men last night except Paul, Alex I, Alex II, and Christian. Oh, and that little fox Ryan, Christians friend. His "bromancer." Steph and I had to go home and IMDB his ass like WHAT MOVIE WAS HE IN??? AND WAS HE LYING ABOUT BEING 27????
No he wasn't lying, he just LOOKS 12, and he was the guy who loved Marisa on the OC. Ughhh, we both had a JTT Teen Magazine moment, like WHAT A HANDSOME LITTLE FUCKFACE! Then we giggled a little and ate some pizza. And had sleepover time.



Dop was drinking herself into being hilarious. She noticed that the bus sign had fallen to the bottom of the pole, so she lifted it up where it belongs. Then dropped it again. It was very loud and obviously satisfying for her.


All pictures of Alex II in my camera phone look exactly like this. He truly has never looked at me and used a different expression. Maybe because I'm constantly saying things to him that push the acceptable conversation boundries. I think his smiley little face just makes me want to talk about cadavers and pedophelia and trannies and black magic.


Everytime I go out, these photo have the same style. Or lack of. Basically they are awful. Maybe because I have no idea how to stand still. Thats part of the problem.
But I maintain despite poor quality, Stephanie looks like a fox in this picture. Half a fox.


Great job with the half pony held with a butterfly clip.
You look like the Last Samurai only a fag version.
Alex I doesn't mind when I talk shit about him because his sense of humor is excellent. He is one of my favorite people to be Funny Krissy for.


Speking of funny. This is Dop speaking Chinese to Fan.
The only things she can say are:
Hello how are you?
I'm fine.
My father is a doctor.
My mother works at the university.

Mind you, Katies father? Not a doctor.
Ugh you can not make this shit up.



This is Fan trying to listen to Katies garbage Mandarin, and teaching us all how to say Fuck your mother.

I think that sums up the sitch nicely.

Also, I can stop wearing hats finally because I got my hair did.
Thanks Mom.
Wootwoot.
Sexy lady coming through step aside fools.




it looks like someone poured a bottle of white out into my eye sockets! amazing! i look at myself a lot lately i think its because for some reason my boobs are expanding at the age of 24. Right on time. Thanks.



No seriously though, stop judging me, all of you mother fuckers with iphoto sit there some days like how can i look cuter? Like this? This? Ah yes thats a good one, I think I'll put it on my myspace profile with the tag "soooo bored"

Fuck off!

7th grade forevs.

That is how I'm living.
Say that like a robot: That. Is. How. I'm. Liv. Ing.

Ok perfect.

What you think youre better than me?

I remember a specific instance last summer I went out with Liv, just me and her one night, doing the whole lets go have fun yada yada cool bar thing.
We differ on this one topic about "going out."
Liv is perfectly ok with waiting in a line and bullshitting with a doorman to get in somewhere.
I am amazed by her self control and ability to talk anyone into agreeing that SHE should be in THERE. Now-ish.
LA LA so LA! Yaaaaaaay! There are many thing about Liv I am baffled by but certainly admire.
Meanwhile I stand near the street with my ugly little scrunch face, chain smoking and rolling my eyes and muttering about fags with Napoleon complexes.
Then when I walk in, I always have to make a new bitchy face or say something quasi-rude for the doorman to remember me by. Great job.
Point is, last night I had to relive the thing I hate most about the scene.
Which is this: People overestimate their own importance.

I was having a wretched day, once again I panicked on the train on the way home from work and almost threw up everywhere. I had that fucking hot neck and face syndrome where like, you are pretty sure at any moment you are going to actually die. And you think your sweating but you're actually not and your face turns gray and then you decide that god is a dick.
Anyway I get home and take a shower, awesome, good fix. Have a drink with Sam and Alex, and we take a car over to Harifs art thing at the Tribeca Grand.
The photo setup is total bullshit, that place is not good for displays.
Once again, this gathering fell into the "trust fund girls who are very skinny and over dressed" category. Lots of very high heels and expensive dresses paired with dirty fingerless lace gloves and ratty hair. Unappealing.
Whats with the whole "RichStreet" look?
I kind of hate it.
Just be rich and proud. I would be.

Anyway, the video in the screening room was pretty lovely I have to say, Harif did a really good job editing and filming and the overall feel was surprisingly gentle and sweet. What the fuck do I know, I was just pleasantly surprised.
Whatever, we drink some of this crazy gin/cassis/lemon concoction that was the tartest taste my buds have ever encountered and we head out to meet Jiwonji.
Chiara leaves which may have been smart of her.

So we go to eat at Lucky Strike and Bing! see Pia on a date with a dude from Las Vegas! I don't have anything funny to say about that, it was just a weird coincidence. Anyway, I had the best bruscetta I have maybe ever had and drank some vodka and scared Alex telling him about how much I love to be mean to nice people. Jiwonji is the only friend I have who agrees that the two of us should have to right to date assholes for as long as we want and no one should be ballsy enough to say, "Hey, bad idea."
No shit bad idea. Thanks for the priceless tip.
Whatever, Adrain and Fan came back after disappearing, Himes came to meet Liv and ate a burger faster than anyone in history ever has.
It was actually a lovely time and all, we got to do gossip time and eat and be squished in a tiny table.
The following sentence is written to make Liv happy and to remind everyone that I am not a bitch:
I HAD A VERY NICE TIME AT LUCKY STRIKE WITH MY FRIENDS. NOT EVERYTHING IS BAD OR BORING OR CRAPPY OR DOODOO OR PATHETIC OR ANNOYING. I LOVE MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY ARE VERY SPECIAL AND TIME WITH THEM IS BLESSED.


Needless to say, my idea of taking awkward pictures at the table came out perfectly awkward.


My gossip partner and I hate all the exact same people.


Alex is a darling. Literally.
I think we should talk about their CD soon. ALOKEALOKEALOKE.
Nice artwork supplied by the hands of Hannah Hooper.
Great job.


This is when I stopped taking pictures.





Sidenote: Liv and Sam went to dinner there once and there was an old dude fingering his trophy girlfriend at the table directly next to them and everyone could see what was going on and his arm was knocking the bread basket.
I am really jealous I wasn't there to tell the story first hand with super innapropriate detailing.

Whatever.
The point?
We are losing folks.
Liv and Hiyme go home to fucking snuggle like the happy shitbrains they are.
We walk over to the afterparty garbage at Antik.
This is where I ask that you pay attention.
I HATE ANTIK.
I hate the people going in.
I hate the door guy.
I hate the decor.
I hate the dancing downstairs.
I hate the idea of it being overcrowded because Aoki is DJing.
I hate that I heard a girl say, "Hey...we are 6 hot girls just going downstairs to get drinks...you better let us back up!!"
I hate that I met a super gay dude there who pretended to be straight for me and wants me to go thrifting with him. (PS he left because he got a text to come to Beatrice. Nuff said)
I hate that I felt like I was in a mysterious city where the Hamptons was mixed with LA mixed with pergatory. (Not hell because that would be way dramatic, there is no booze in hell I'm pretty sure of that)

Wait it gets better. I just looked it up on Nymag and THIS was the only reader review:

"This is what NYC has been waiting for. The upstairs is like your private VIP room. It's like going to one of VIP rooms in the hottest clubs. With 8-10 tables and a killer DJ its partying with your friends in a private location. I suggest table reservations. We tried to buy a table by walking up and they were sold out. So we came back with a reservation and rocked out until 4am."

Oh my god. Killyourself. Rock out til four am then thrust a knife into your head. I truly hate you Antik and Antik reviewer Brian_NYC.

So here we are, Thursday afternoon, I have a new thing to hate, its raining outside, and all I can think about is what in gods name will I eat for lunch on the way to work.

That reminds me, conversation of the night:

Krissy: Seriously I started making one of those lists in my head. You know, like, what you want in a boyfriend. I am thinking everything in greater than/less than terms. Like he must own greater than one leather jacket, but less than 3 blazers.

Sam: Wait, isn't that backwards?? Thats ridiculous Krissy.

Jiwonji: I just have two things (holds up fingers)
One, he has to be funny.
And two, he has to buy me food.

Krissy: Good call.

SPORTS LIGHTNING SCIENCE KENYANS

props to Steph for showing me the glory that is :



PS Jersey Beach Bitch Weekend was illustrious.
To say the very least.
Discussion coming soon I'm sure the 8 of you reading this can't fucking wait.

Bummer.

George Carlin, 71, `Seven Dirty Words' Comedian, Dies

By Patrick Donahue and Brian Lysaght

June 23 (Bloomberg) -- George Carlin, a Grammy award-winning comedian whose routine about ``The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television'' was the subject of a U.S. Supreme Court decision, died of heart failure in California yesterday. He was 71.

Carlin went to St. John's Hospital, Santa Monica, yesterday after complaining of chest pain and died at 5:55 p.m. local time, publicist Jeff Abraham told the Associated Press. Abraham didn't immediately respond to a call requesting confirmation.

Carlin was one of the country's best-known comedians in the 1970s, an anti-establishment icon who appeared on popular television programs such as ``The Tonight Show.'' He wore long hair and a beard when most comedians were clean cut, and combined a bug-eyed stare with irreverent observations on politics, religion and modern life.

He was arrested for violating obscenity laws in 1972 in Milwaukee and his ``seven words'' routine, in which Carlin describes at length the words that are banned on television and radio, found its way to the U.S. Supreme Court. In 1978, the justices ruled 5-4 that the Federal Communications Commission has a right to regulate spoken-word performances on public airwaves to prevent children from hearing profanities.

`Anti-Authoritarian'

``I've always been sort of anti-authoritarian and I really don't like arbitrary rules and regulations that are essentially designed to get people in the habit of conforming,'' Carlin said in a National Public Radio interview on Nov. 1, 2004.

Carlin was born May 12, 1937, and grew up in New York City. After serving in the Air Force in the 1950s, he began to work as a radio DJ before he developed his comedy act, initially a duo with partner Jack Burns. He first appeared on the Jack Paar- hosted ``The Tonight Show'' in October, 1960. He would appear on the show more than 130 times in his life.

He continued to hone his stand-up act in open-mike venues and folk clubs in New York as a clean-cut solo act. In 1968, he had a role in the film ``With Six You Get Eggroll'' with Brian Keith and Doris Day.

Carlin's image changed at the beginning of the 1970s when he grew a beard, joined the counterculture movement and started to use hard drugs, according to his Web site. In October 1975 he hosted the debut episode of ``Saturday Night Live'' while he was ``loaded on cocaine all week long,'' Carlin said.

Stand-Up Master

The comedian's main medium was the stand-up routine. He made 23 comedy albums and appeared in 14 HBO specials. Carlin also received four Grammy Awards and was nominated for five Emmys. He performed last week at the Las Vegas Orleans Casino and Hotel.

He combined a cynic's attitude with a street-wise New Yorker's love of verbal wordplay.

In his routine ``Baseball and Football,'' he compared the contrasting natures of two popular U.S. sports -- without a single swear word.

``Baseball is a 19th century pastoral game. Football is a 20th century technological struggle,'' he observed. ``Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park -- the baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.''

Born a Roman Catholic, Carlin regularly mocked organized religion, claiming he believed instead in the sun because ``unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun.''

Kennedy Center Honor

The comedian had health problems, suffering his first heart attack in 1978. He's survived by his daughter Kelly Carlin McCall and second wife, Sally Wade; his first wife, Brenda, died in 1997, AP reported.

The Kennedy Center announced five days ago that Carlin was to be awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

``In his lengthy career as a comedian, writer, and actor, George Carlin has not only made us laugh, but he makes us think,'' Kennedy Center Chairman Stephen Schwarzmann said in the announcement of the award. ``His influence on the next generation of comics has been far-reaching.''

``Thank you Mr. Twain,'' Carlin responded, according to the release. ``Have your people call my people.''

The comedian said the origins of his comedy could be traced to being a teenaged class clown.

``I'm an imperfect student,'' Carlin said in an interview in March. ``I quit school in ninth grade...I still get to show off, like the little kid in fifth grade -- I still get to take these things I write and go out on stage with them and show off.''

List.

1. My guts tingle every time I log on to myspace and see the Dark Knight background. Then I pee a little and dance in the pee puddle. Then I imagine the movie in my mind and pee more.

2. I went to the Natch History Museum. Oh big deal you say? I go all the time? Not totes excites?
Well fuck you, because I saw a movie there called SEA MONSTERS.



Dinosaurs. In the ocean. Eating eachother. Scenes of gore and discovery were interspersed with scenes over time of nerds digging holes to find the bones that explain the film.
Heaven?
Mabes.
Not mabes.
Defs.
I took Owen who ps. just turned 3. They didn't want to sell me a ticket for him, but I'm his Tony Danza, not them.
(Boss)
(I'm his boss.)

3. I hate it when you totally want to make out with someone who is one of these two things or both:
a) a loser
b) not into you.

I love losers who are not into me.
Enough said on the topic.
I would put a picture of at least one of the "men" I am referencing here but that would be super embarrassing and I'm really not prepared for that shit right now.
That would be somewhere on the shame scale between throwing a birthday party no one comes to, and making out with some dude right after you vom at the bar.

4. I just invented a fucked up version of the Rom Com (romantic comedy) called the Vom Com. Instead of cute people falling in love, then getting into hijinx, then living happily ever after, instead they puke everywhere randomly throughout the film.

5. Obviously I have puke on my mind.

6. Obviously not literally.

7. At this point I really take at least 20 pictures a day of cats.



And yes, I have a cat, a Freud dream book, a gemstone, a softball, and linen spray on the window by my bed.
How I became that person, it is a true true mystery.
I feel like I live in a fucking Cathy comic.



8. My olfactory sensitivity is at an all time high today. Everything I smelled made me sick. In fact, I happened to sit next to a bum on the train by accident. He was one of those bums who looks actually shiny because the natural oils of his body have had so much time to accumulate.
I am not an insensitive woman, I feel for bums.
But I actually had to get up and move halfway down the car. Then cover my face with my hand.
I could still smell him.
And my mind could not switch to anything else.
It was ME. and SHINY BUM.
All else vanished.
I had a panic attack somewhere around 14th street and realized my greatest wish was that someone could turn down the sensory dial in my nasal passage.

Also I smelled a banana at work and almost screamed.

The End.

Do tell.

When you tell someone your dreams,
you are giving them a nonfiction report of fictional occurances.

Wrap your brains around that.

Biscuits and gravy and people you are no longer in love with. Topics galore.

I had one of those weekends where I ended up painting a wall and mopping the kitchen floor and watching at least 5 movies. In other words, not extremely awesome.
I also had a little get together with a certain ex who shall remain nameless, and that went swimmingly.
Its amazing what time does for people, I'm pretty sure if you give anything its chance to heal, you'll be fine. As opposed to "dying of heartbreak" which is what you would have heard me saying two years ago whilst laying on my moms couch crying taking xanex and not showering for a week at a time.
Ah the glory days.

But I feel like totally relieved that we can be friends in a way, and its bullshit to hate people for what they "did to you."
No one ever did shit to me, I just let things happen within my stupid little universe.
I think I would like to have a insult competition, followed by a slapfest with Dr Phil.
I could totally take him and his job, look how healthy my mind is.
I'm like a flower. Or like a bird. Or something else everybody likes.

JKJKJK tons of people don't like me and for good reason.

So I really miss New Jersey suddenly, out of nowhere I crave my mothers house, especially her fridge. And the hammock. And my horrible bipolar cat Dorothy Grace Parker.
My brother graduates from high school this Thursday, I'm super proud of him and hes one of the best people I know. Hes definitely cooler than me hands down. Whenever I get super drunk I tell my girlfriends that one of them should marry him then they tell me I'm gross because hes only 18.
Point is, I must go on Friday. I am basically peeing my pants with excitement at the idea of bringing my favorite gal pals out to the burbs to drink booze and play cards.

Next topic.

Little backtrack.
Dirty backpack.
Erykah Badu.
Nu Soul.
What the fuck.
OK.

So I didn't blog Stephs birthday which happened like 2 weeks ago, I just forget things.
But it was so great to meet her daddy because A) hes a really nice guy and B) she loves him so much that I felt like not ever meeting him would just be absurd.
Brunch in Brooklyn.
Beergarden.
Friends.
Pictures.


we lit that candle on the baby cheesecake at least 3 times for photo op.
Hey Stephanie you look fresh and flirty. Like a Neutrogena girl!
Great Job!


*courtesy of Father Porto
OK so lets talk about B. She is Stephanies old friend from Houston and basically she is the bomb. Yup. The bomb. Shes so good, that using the phrase "shes the bomb" came BACK into style just for the sake of describing her.
First of all, good boobs.
Second of all, shes totally endearing. She put a wet paper towel under her hat because she was hot.
Cute?
Um. Yes.
Lets also talk about how we all write funny/adorable cards.
Good card writing is key.
Stephanie obviously appreciates the art. The nose crinkle says it all right there.


What are you smiling about Tbones?
It was an estimated 4 trillion degrees when we got to the beergarden down the street. It was that weekend we had where like...you walked outside for 3 seconds and your armpits screamed and your toes perspired. If toe sweat happens, it happened that afternoon. Jesus.


Elliot was like, fuck this bullshit its nap time suckers.


This is the garbage I have to end up with when I try to take a picture of Chiara. Asshole.



Oh, candids? No problem, shes a gem.
This photo doesn't accurately display how strong Elliots dislike is for his own aunt.
Aw, tragic. He'll get over it when he realizes shes the cats pjs.


Shvitzing and boob displaying courtesy of JennyPack.
Booger digging, Stephanie Porto.
Not doing anything, TBones Despirito.
Being an alien dog, Lucy Goosey P-U-Ski.



Hey Kaitlin, why are you so dreamy?
Kaitlin was sporting my favorite outfit in history maybe.
A tshirt of many holes and a skin tight black stretch skirt.
Ugh.
I guess thats how you turn out when your born with the last name FREEWIND.


Andy and Ed and some of their duder friends showed up. Father Porto loved Ed which is cute.
Andy made gross faces like this and then dissapeared into the Brooklyn heathole.
He and Ed were wearing matching jean shorts. Cut off at knee length. Frayed.
Couldn't ask for more, could you? The answer is. No. You could not.


The day became dark and dreary as soon as Justin showed up.
no not really, we just ended up at a table that wasn't being raped by the rays of deadly sunlight.
On another note, you look like a serial killer.



Gratuitous cat picture.
Oh Cinnamon you furry phantom of my heart.

OK yeah.
The birthday was fun!
It was hot and I was drunk and Tbones ordered an awesome apple ale that I plan on hunting down and drinking very soon. It was like if you dropped green jolly rangers into champagne. Only not as vomit sounding.
So. Good.
I also invited this guy I'm "dating" to the beergarden and Stephanie kindly let me know I'm too mean for him. Well played Porto, I hear you loud and clear. I do love honesty.
What else? Lucy walked all over the table.
Our waitress had the most annoying man voice ever and got mad about the bill not being covered. Yeah I would be mad too but it was totally weird when she was like, "Look I'm 40 and I've been doing this since I was 18."
Ummm.
Keep that info to yourself sister.
It makes you sound like a 2/10 in life score terms.
Good times Good times nice Sunday all around.


In closing, I love Stephanie more than all the fishes in the ocean. I love her to eternity. I love her to Jupiter. But not back from Jupiter because that shit it far.

XO!

Creatures of the Night. Masters of the house.

So the other day I was at the school doing the nanny pick up thing and my favorite Jamaican Rosie was accidentally funny as per usual.
She never tries to be funny and when you laugh she looks at you like you're retarded.
So this lady walks up to her and is like, "Whoo girl. It is HOT. It is HOT today"
So Rosies all caj like "Tink about hell"
Touche Rosie, touche.


So yeah its hot. Big whoop.
Saying big whoop is so fucky fuckface but I like the way it sounds in my mind, like the way I totally wanted to sound when I was 8.
Like, "Oh yeah Jennifer. Great. You have two American Girl dolls. Big whoop I don't even really care anyways."
I had one. The one named Molly. The nerdy one with the glasses. I thought it was cool that she was the doll from the World War II time period.

So the week was super long and geigh and not really that good because I basically banned myself from using deoderant, is that weird?
I kinda like it. The freedom. But I'll be honest, I don't reach up in the subway anymore out of fear someone will be like duderbou. you stink. Obvs I'm in a subway car with someone I know because duderbou isn't like, the new thing. OR IS IT.

OK so last night I don't really know what happened to me but somehow I passed out all early but only after a bunch of mistakes.
First mistake was deciding to leave my apartment.
So Liv and I went around the corner from her place to Proces store for the Mirf toy thing.
Saw some peeps, it felt like, I dunno, the exact same thing I was doing four years ago.

Stole a couple pictures from Jasons flickr. Coat of Arms looks good. I don't get the "toy" thing but more power fellas.


Look, humans. Lots of them looking at things and eating red caviar and wearing boldly colored tshirts.


Me and some girl had the same hat on.
Sometimes things like that make me want to die. Because I'm dramatic that way.
I love seeing Mrs. Proce because shes so sweet. We are even standing the same way. Presh to death.






Where you been Tina?


Mr Kiki you sly fucking fox.
I wanna be Mr Kiki too.
I think I'm just the right candidate.


I had a flask in my purse duh and made tons of trouble for myself that way.
I don't know, some black dude with a mohawk kept molestering me and I think he was like can I get your number. And totally kidding I was like, "catch me on facebook wooowooooooo last name Conley. C-O-N-L-E-Y"
This motherfucker repeated the spelling back to me and was like ok talk to you then.
Um.
What?
He didn't catch the jokey part, but maybe its because my jokes are a pile of shit.

So then me Liv Jiwon Denise some other people JennyPack and I dunno who else went to get food.


Hey ladies.

Jiwon had a BLDeath aka a bacon lettuce and tomato.
I gchatted her today to tell her she fucked up.
Then she relayed to me that I had spaghetti fries.
That means I put alot of ketchup on.
Good joke Jiwon. Very good.


Jiwons face in the abyss.

Needless to say I made myself ill and didn't even finish my drink which is basically unheard of.

I took a cab home only to find Sam Mercy and Katie, probably stoned.
Sam reported to me that I came in shouting about alcoholism, Gatorade, having to work in the morning, and being awesome. Then told them to fuck off for NOT having to work in the morning.
Great job!
Apparently before I came in, they had convinced Katie to fit her entire body into a tiny round Mexican hamper.
How I miss this shit, I don't know.
I think Mercy and Sam bring out the weird catlady librarian in us all.
Per example, two nights ago the three of us played cats cradle with twine for about an hour then walked from room to room listening to Atlas Sound, trying to figure out where it sounds like white noise.
Needless to say, we had to wikipedia cats cradle because smoking them funky cigarettes make simple tasks seem like boundless deserts of confusion.

Ugh this ones so hard, its the pinkie one, cross over and use your pincher fingers come on this is serious right now



In closing, tonight I found a live cockroach in the kitchen trash can.
I screamed and asked Ames to get rid of it. I think he is drunk because after about 5 minutes of deep thought he was like YOOOO LETS GO BURN THIS SHIT. PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.
Really Ames?
Or you could just tie up the garbage bag and put that shit at the curb.


But its true, the people here do burn shit directly outside of their buildings.
For no reason.
Like these three old Chinese hags.

Perfect.

Speaking of old Chinese ladies.
Why do some of them look like wrinkled baby prostitutes?
I swear to god, the lucite heels with the weird zipper pants and the tee that says SWEETHEART in bedazzled glory.
I have nothing but love.
A little hate, but only when they leave there fucking garbage and ball tea on my stoop.

The Kid

He can Kick, Streeeetch, and Kick!
Hes Fifty!

My greatest inspiration was born 50 years ago today and he has brought huge amounts of joy to my life.
He has also aroused me sexually on many occasions.

The one and only Prince Rogers Nelson.
Sir you have my heart.
















Still fly



"People say I'm wearing heels because I'm short. I wear heels because the women like 'em."