Very Gullible.

I haven't talked about my friends on here for awhile.
Did some stuff with them, it was great, they all looked fantastic, I talked too much, they let me. I spent money, they didn't stop me... thanks a lot assholes, and yes, you are my personal accountants/babysitters.

So since being FIRED a week ago, thats really all I've been doing.
Leaning on my friends.
So I don't lose my shit.
I have yet to freak out by the way.
It just hasn't hit me that I am one of the club.
The recession failure jobless deadbeat club.

In other news

Will and Olivia became radioactive.


Molly and Yoshi started a ghost story night at this bar.

Not really to both of those things.
These are the only pictures I have that came out from two separate visits to Home Sweet Home with master bartender/can't-control-the-volume-of-my-voice co-sufferer, Jen.
She and I screamed for a good 5 minutes the other night about both receiving identical lame severance packages when fired.
Thats the great thing, my friends are always willing to yell about things with me. TandemYell.

One night I went to Brooklyn to see Corrine and Butch's new apt with Stephanie. I found out one very important thing. There is no place more boring in the universe than Park Slope.
Unless you have a husband and you're both strapped down with BabyBjorns and you have fucking given up on the possibility of titillation.
They should rename it Apathy Slope.
That place is so absurdly non threatening and boring, this is the scariest graffiti they could come up with:

"DOG"???
You can't even enforce your notification with an ACTUAL dog?
Just a hypothetical dog???
Hatechu.


No one has ever been better suited to have the surname Weiner.
The other other options for Corrine would be if she was named Corrine Faggetron or Corrine ShitShow.
PS, Corrine and Butch have excellent apartment design skills.

I don't know what else I did with my friends because I didn't take pictures of any of it.
I bought a bike.
I did brunches.
I drank some vodka at some places.
I had a couple sleepovahs.
The usual.

Then yesterday I went BACK to Brooklyn (thank god this time to Williamsburg, which, in comparison to Doldrum Slope is ELECTRIFYING)


Dollar mini pitchers? Yes, I will leave Manahatta for that.
Sidenote: Levin and I managed to find the worst cab driver ever to take us from Bowery and Delancey into Brooklyn.
That is not far.
This man bitched the ENTIRE ride asking for info such as "exactly how many blocks are we going?" "Is it very close?" "Can I take this all the way out to Long Island City?"
OHMYGAYGOD shut up.
Stephanie got in the cab and very aggressively requested that he stop asking so many questions at "3 oclock in the goddamn afternoon"
Don't worry, I calmed him down.
Alternate universe?
Yes maybe, but I really did.

Oh great, our destination.

The place was fuckin packed.

We saw a few people outside.
First we saw Sherlock Homeboy with a detective hat and beige trench coat.
Then we saw a Maury Povich couple. Meaning "opposites."
The girl was so tiny and the man was so tall, she only came up to his elbow.
Heres Raffi demonstrating what it looks like when she tries to hold his hand:



Mr Kiki thinks its ok to laugh at the expense of others.
I wholeheartedly agree.


I realized right after I took this picture that it almost perfectly explains these two people.
Stephanie agreed with me by shouting "YES. YES."
Dan agreed with me in the form of a creepy smile.


This is how I look when I'm content.
No, that is not depressed or disgusted.
It's CONTENT.
Please peep the large woman behind me at the bar.
She was sporting a ITALIA athletic ensemble and sunglasses.
Don't worry, I'm sure shes just a giant harmless lesbian with mafia ties and a gun in her 89 Cavalier.


Thumbs up for jewish holidays I guess.


Chiara being in awe of her best friend Raffi.
So gay.


I wish I had these first.
Oakleys are a good look when you have a certain shaped head.
Win.
I should definitely cop a pair of sexy glasses soon so I can use all of my lady swagger to pick up a man just like this:

Why is Kevin Federline's head posted up in a Brooklyn salon?
I don't know.


The icing on the cake was taking the train to Stephs later and seeing RasTrent.
Unfortunately I didn't get any closer so you can't fully experience the cheesiness of the White Guy Dreads Adorned With Woven Hat.

Then I ate almonds and fell asleep.
Then Stephanie yelled at me to get up and we went to a party.
Then I paid too much money for a drink and walked home with Molly.
Then I got Bahn Mi.
It make me feel smiley like this:


Tomorrow I go to New Jersey to see my family.
I hate both ham and deviled eggs, the traditional Easter food.
I will complain for a little while then make salads and roast chicken.
I will also eat tons of cheese and crackers and watch hours upon hours of VH1.
Then I will get drunk and sit in the backyard.
Basically its a dream.
Huzzah.

so dark. so beardy.

Is it weird that I think I just got a phantom boner?

my sound

I was walking with Nikki and Jeylan the other night in Chinatown and I heard something and I felt like I didn't know where I was all the sudden.
Someone had a windchime hanging on their fire escape and when I felt the wind and heard the sound, all I could see was my mom.
Me and her on the shore staying at a friends condo. Walking in this little cape town together going into these shops where I bought her a present, some little glass thing.
And she bought windchimes.

I suggest you close your eyes for a few minutes.

Eskimo Heart

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Inuit.

Whens Lourdes gonna take over?

This video is so hot and this song is so right on and corny!
Madonna was such an idol to me mostly because she has this traditionally masculine element to her...was that some kind of weird defense mechanism? I don't know.
But Pre-kabbalah she was a beacon of sexuality and moxie and liberation.
Who cares? Christopher Walken plays the angel of death!

Sidenote: This song hits amazingly close to home at the moment. I am not scared to admit that. Never scared. Wahhh

Not a Secret!

So there is a website, whosdatedwho.com
This website is genius because everyone is interested in this topic.
On a small personal scale, look at New York.
Hi, its all we talk about. The best goss! Gasp-worthy!

Anyway, I'm watching Traffic tonight and obviously my love for Benicio is eternal.
He is such a squinty fox.
He is Mexican heaven.
He is old and weird and secretive looking.

How cute is it that there are STATS about him and his current tiny beautiful 20 year old girlfriend?

Ahem:

Ana De Armas Benicio Del Toro
Age 20 41
Height 5' 2" 6' 1"
Eyes Green Green
Hair Brown Black
Sign Taurus Aquarius
Natl Spanish American
Occ Actress Actor

What?
Can we make a website like this for non famous people?
Not actually lets never ever do that.


Big news.
One of my favorite people in the world came home today from being abroad.
Hearing her voice was good and seeing her face will be better.

Here is an illustration of why I miss her when she is gone

FagSnuggling


.

Propers/BigUps/Paying Dues/Enjoyable Moments:

1. Go see CAPTURED at Collective Hardware 169 Bowery at 8pm tomorrow.



Ben and Dan are very special people.
Though they are both amazingly annoying, they are certainly driven and talented and awesome and I love them.
So.
That is the reasoning behind going to see their movie.
Support them?
Yes.
Do it.
Or else pay the price of being left out.

2. Crystal Moselle is also a little elf of filmmaking.
appréciez svp:


Bijules 2009 from crystal moselle on Vimeo.

fly over the forest howl at the moon lets do this.

Now onto me.
I have some thoughts today.
Here goes.

Opinion.
It is not ok to wear a half pony tail ever.
Unless you are Kimmy Gibler.

Even then, it serves a very specific purpose which is to make your best friend appear way hotter than she actually is in comparison to you.
There is something so gross about the half pony.
Lets call it the centaur.

Opinion.
I think white americans drink a lot more coffee than black americans.
I am basing this on early morning subway rides to work as well as daily observations of patrons of Le Pain Quoditien/Starbucks/a number of delis on Broadway.
I feel as though I would have to do more research on this topic to have it hold any ground, but then I realized another piece of evidence to support my hypothesis...
black americans on tv don't even seem to drink coffee.
Think Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier etc etc. Coffee drinking. You see it. Plenty.
Now think Family Matters, Martin, Bernie Mac Show etc. Did Carl ever sit around drinking coffee? Tommy? Anyone? I feel like the answer is no.
I mean, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Which I am. Tons.
But this is something I've been thinking about for days.
Obviously I need a hobby.

Opinion.
Twitter is weird.
I never know if I am saying something worth reading or not.
About every 10-12 minutes during the working day, I refresh the Twitterific application on my phone. I apparently need to see what people I know are doing.
Mind you, most of the people who update constantly are people I don't know such as Shaq and Martha Stewart.
I am finding I experience on odd sense of terror when I don't check twitter.
Do I need to know that Martha Stewwies successfully washed her dogs an hour ago?
Yes.
Yes I do.
And that is the terrifying truth about our web obsessed society.

Opinion.
Seeing Morrissey in concert is absolutely not overrated.
Especially if its at Cargenie Hall.
Even if you are in the nosebleeds.
But I would suggest NOT trying to chug a 12 dollar drink in the hall just because you can't bring it to your seat. That is neither fun nor wise.

helloooooo doooown theeeeeeeruh.

Look at them all!
It felt like church is that bizarre?

Menacholy Moz.

Merry Moz!
Melange of emotion, I'm serious.

Not opinion, fact:
I should be wearing these shoes this spring.
So hopefully 800 dollars will drop from the sky.
Theeeinks!

Alexander Wang.
Alexander Boner more like it.
I would take these subs:





Also Fact:
I have retrieved an original Purple Rain Tour muscle tee of rare design.
That is the only thing that matters now.



Final thought of the day is that if Joanna Newsom does not put out a new album soon, I will start to get frustrated.
There are only so many times I can cry tears of joy listening to Cosmia in the middle of the night.

I am willing to bet you won;t watch this, you meaning everyone, but seeing her perform many times, she totally makes me love the magic of life!
I do not mean that even remotely sarcastically.
STALKER STATUS>
Jk I don't stalk her.
Anymore.
Jk I never did!



Or did I.


Heres another one!
This one literally breaks my heart and puts it back together.
I can't really stand it.


Video day!

Moderately astounded.

Not all of the advertising world is a barren shitty wasteland of demonic manipulation and trickery.
This made me cry!
Thanks Wyatt for bringing it to attention.
Totally inspiring.
Oh my god, life.

PS Robert Frost is still the man.

Hawt and Bahthud

Someone should become a serial rapist, and their criminal name should be Con Edison.
Why do these bastards fuck me directly up the ass every 30 days?
I seriously might have to start lighting my home with only the dollar store Jesus candles.
And I'll produce heat by devising some kind of cat powered machine. They will run on a little wheel all day long and it will set off sparks on some sort of generator.
I don't have it all sorted out, but it all starts with the idea, you know.

Thats how I feel today basically.
Full of great ideas provoked by exasperation.

I have an unexpected day off and I've spent it watching documentaries online, cleaning up, and food shopping.
I found myself walking around Pathmark fake smiling and gritting my teeth because it was one of the worst experiences I've had in weeks.
I swear to god, there were at least 6 or 7 of these common folk:

I understand that we all have bad days.
I understand that some mornings, we open our eyes, roll over, and just SIGH.
Like ok. I dunno if I wanna get up and out.
I don't think I can handle an hour in the supermarket uuuup and dooooown everyyyyyy aisle.
It will be torture!
Well guess what?
Thats called being human.
Laziness is best combated by FORCING yourself up and out and seizing the day. Grab yer food stamps and hit the pavement sister!
If you have to SCOOT your way to the frozen food section to stock up on Banquet microwave tv dinners on sale for $1.29, you might just want to give in commit suicide right now.
Because despite how cruel it sounds, I have always been a strong believer in Darwinism.
There is a reason why sharks have pointy teeth and giraffes have long necks and ants can carry like 10 times their body weight.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY TO SURVIVE OTHERWISE.
Humans being able to motor themselves from their bed to their over processed non-nutrient having saturated fat food sources... one day its just going to have to stop.
Or else I might have an aneurysm solely prompted by frustration.
You should be in a motorized scooter indoors under the following circumstances:
1. you are handicapped. Nuff said.
2. You can't use your legs for some sort of medical reason/recent surgery/exploding kneecaps/whatever the fuck
3. you have some sort of nervous system or musculature issue aka Lou Gherigs? Something like that.
4. You're super old. What qualifies as super old? 95. Thats old. 63? Not old pal. Not old.
5. You are playing some kind of joke for a hidden camera show.

If I see you stand up out of your Rascal to reach for the 2 liter America's Choice grape soda, you can walk. So walk.
Also, you're totally in the way of those of us who have places to be.
AKA me.
I just wanna go home and wash some dishes and dance with myself in my living room on my day off.

I think in order to make myself happy, and to uplift my readers who have now maybe had their day ruined with my negativity...
I would like to propose that a spring celebration be planned in my home within the coming month.
Stephanie my dear Stephanie will have returned from Italia.
Olivia my dear Olivia will be back from LA.
Jeylan will be back from stupid Texas.
Brooklyn girls my dear Brooklyn girls, I never get to see them any more for some horrible reason...
Therefor.
I would like to bless my revamped domicile with cakes and drinking and girls and boys and hopefully some lip glossy kisses.
My planning begins now I think.
Any and all proposals and schemes related to this feista are welcome.

Some inspiration:


(oliviamalone.com duh)
















PS I can't wait to wear shorts.
Please when you read that, say it like this, sort of fast and hysterical:
"I caaaynt wait ta wear sharts!!"
Then wiggle your steepled fingers.

superfluous.

Amusing visual and social moments as of late:


The Better History Exhibition featuring many people we all know doing weird things and inviting their parents to come observe it.


Was this purposeful to coincide with the full moon?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who cares.


Looney Tunes art.


Always forgive the past.
Make friendship from bullshit.
All the hate in the world lives inside our blackened little hearts let it free mkay?
The ex hunny bunny sculpted a pretty amazing snake catching stick for the sake of art.
I want one.

Proud of him for sure.


Troy's art hurts Morry's feelings.


Consuption will be the death of us.
Conceptual living art.
Or just a bunch of slobs whove never heard of a garbage can.

Afterparty on Bowery was very loud.
But at least these guys were doing this:




Outerspace Morry


MegaBeth looking sweet


ARE increasing the noise level.
The metal tooth goblin is all you really need to observe here.


NO TOUCHING.

To sum up:
View art.
Talk.
Hug people.
Talk.
Walk.
Beer.
Talk more.
Smoke.
Itch new tattoo.
Catch cab.
Eat pizza/drink beer.
Argue about whether or not Lady Gaga is disgusting.
Catch cab.
Smoke.
Loud.
Talk.
Talk louder.
Drink.
Smoke.
Talk louder still.
Dance.
Pee.
Eyeroll.
Smoke.
Hug people.
Drink.
Eventually decide you are 'too old' which really just means your ears hurt.
Decide you want to watch a movie.
Catch cab.
Yell at molesters following you when you get home.


Yesterday my cat Cinnamon started drooling.
As in puddles.
That usually means your cat is poisoned and is going to die.
Great job!
So I cried and called my mom because I'm still the kind of person who calls their mom to cry.
Big deal.
But today she looks ok to me so I feel a little less insanely terrified.
If you wouldn't mind, say a prayer for her because shes cute and really spunky and shes too young to die.

Non pet related update:
This is a not that amazingly flattering picture of my butt. The top half of my body looks like bunny ears!



I enjoy Olivia Malone sessions.


It takes Olivia about a half hour and a number of beers to get me to stop scowling at her camera.
Even whilst donning lady lace and twirling, I somehow manage to look slightly pfft.
Or more accurately, TSSSST.


I'M SMILING ON THE INSIDE

This week alone, 4 different male friends have told me that if I continue to make these faces, no man will ever speak to me again.
I am attempting to remedy this problem.
But I'm not making any promises.
You have to weed out the pussies, nahmean?
If you can't hang with the ice grill, you should probably go take a peepee sitting down or something.

In closing, this is my new arm.

The handsome horse is obviously magik, check the completely unstaged beam of light shooting towards his chassis.
Also look how funny my arm hair is!
meeeepmerrppppp arm hair (say that part like a robot)

XO