Pretty sure I'm always having one of dem days

Hopefully I will return tomorrow after work with some interesting social commentary about my recent activities.
And I will share them with yall.

PS Gingerale is in my top three favorite beverages of all time.
Just a fact nonrelated to anything.

There is nothing funny about this one.

If my life is a drawing I'm making, using a pencil...

I need to go back and erase a whole bunch of shit.
Because I'm having a really hard time going along making something beautiful with this ugly mess behind me.

I literally wish you could smudge out the things that didn't turn out ok.

Theres no crying in baseball.

Good thing I hate baseball.


Crash and burn happened yesterday.
I was on a natural high after taking photos with Liv, I had so much fun trying to twirl around in lace undies and a fur coat without scowling.
Every girl should have a photo of herself in her 20s wearing just a short fur coat.
Animals are cute but sos my butt. Annnd I wanna remember it this way. Forever.

Went and met with some friends after that, good times, I was having a Kayne moment with myself.
Speaking in caps.
Telling Jeylans dog that I don't like him.
Playing Labi Siffre followed by Lil Kim followed by Big L.
There was no OFF button yesterday.

Pathetically enough, I realized I was just crazy sad and totally trying to avoid that.
So I just kept going and suddenly around midnight, I'm sitting with one of my best friends in the world at my bosses restaurant, thank god he wasn't there....
and I go into hysterics.
Cryfest.
What?
Got put into a cab in about 2 seconds flat, thank you Jeylan.
It was the opposite of great job.

That being said, the full moon comes tonight so I refuse to leave this apartment now that its dark out. I am willing to bet I would end up in the hospital/a wrestling match/an abandoned alleyway/a coven.

To make myself feel better I'm going to write a little letter to God now.

Dear God,

You are really cute sometimes the way you trick me.
You are like an Almighty Tom Green.
Such a off color sense of humor.
Now that I have finally stopped crying and moping around feeling bad for myself, I am starting to feel pretty ok-ish.
But if you could use your powerz to make my back stop hurting that would be holler worthy.
I might just take ibuprofen because it seems like you are really busy with all kinds of weird astrological flimflam right now.

Holding you down,
Scream atcher gurl,

Kristina

PS Happy Fun Birthdays for JensRockingChair (get it, because shes a year older? Old people like rocking chairs, not Rock Music? sorry I'm really short on wit today)


DJ MacBook Pro Team


I now realize how gay it is that Dan and Daniel styled this photograph.


Who are these people






Looking so sweet 16!


Dance partner

Shout out to my female lovers who took part in a lovely reunion with me a few days ago.
Its always those really good times where you take no pictures because you're so busy being ecstatic.
D Stephanie Liv Krissy Chiara equals happy.
Plus two Dans and a Will and cameos by Jiwon and Nikki and a dash of LA Erin and beers in my purse.
Plus this thing:

Plus rave music.

It's time for cookies and iced tea.

And maybe macaroni first.

Food and jokes are the best.
And TyTy Baby Banks' forehead.

Goodnight!

Human helicopter

Sometimes (all the time) I'm around kids and I think, holy shit, I am definitely in the wrong era of life.
I've yet to see Benj Button, but I think I had a moment of envy about the whole aging backwards sitch.
Washington Square Park playground is one of my favorite locations downtown. Its such a soul pick-me-up.
I have thought to myself, what kind of crazy person would want to raise their child in a place like this?
At least 50 percent of this city smells weird.
There are about 400 molesters within every 10 block radius.
Bums can be scary and weird, and they seem to like talking to kids, so thats not really a good look.
There are very few flowers or trees or animals or anything like that.
Kids here don't get to grow up with friends with swimming pools down the block, or hammocks and big daddy grills in the backyard.
And forget Brooklyn, thats not even remotely appealing.

But then I see these kids and they are a whole different breed.
Maybe they grow up to be more jaded and see too much too fast, but they seem to carry themselves like wee grownups.
They are not street smart, they are street genius.

They also look hilarious.

Example of the typical parent set:


Please peep lady in the relaxo baggy pant tucked into absurd biker/pirate/art teacher boot.
PS shes not preggo she just really lazy.
I can say that if I want because I kept a closer watch on her just learning to walk one year old son than she did.

To compare, he are some radical kids who basically shit all over their parents steeeee:


Heres my number one.
This boy was tearing around owning the place on this tricycle.
He was absolutely filthy.
He also ate shit about ten times and never let out a whimper.
Loving him.
I really wish I had been able to capture the vintage patches on his school boy blazer.
It was some Baby AC/DC vibe.


This kid could have been his sidekick, but they were both very dolo.
In case any of you forgot, the sound of plastic wheels on playground paving is amazing.
The sound of freedom.


Theres always 2-3 ferocious screaming boys who yell thing at eachother like, "ARE YOU PLAYING STAR WARS GANG OR NOT???? NO? WELL THEN GET OUTTA HERE!"
Also, I can guarantee that their moms were not cool with the shoes off thing but they were like, "Psht...shoes BACK ON? I'd like to see you try it lady."
*also, please note that shoeless boy is actively choking himself.
He was not fucking around.


Little squaw on the other hand?
Just looking after the baby doll.
Get in there baby doll don't talk back to me.
It all formulates so early doesn't it.


Then girls get a little older and start wearing weird stripey leggings and vomiting color explosions all over themselves.
They continue to do it well into their 20s.
Betsey Johnson still does it and shes what, 92?


I guess this kid could one day be Lil Betseys boyfriend.
And by boyfriend I mean guy who throws sand in her face and sometimes shares his capri sun.

The following photos are about the face.
I wanna make more of these faces:


I purposefully left all that empty space to show that this little ginger snap is looking at nothing. Nothing. Shes just amazed period. I am willing to bet Santa Clause could ride by on a shimmering unicorn carrying a Dora backpack filled with cookies and this kid would still be zoned.


Commentary unnecessary.


Someone needs to write a novel about this kids future as a Bollywood star turned weirdo artsy socialite hermit.
Shes like the Indian Miss Havisham.


NBW.
This is where I chill.

Back to getups:


Baby sneaker game in New York is ridic.
Ps...the helmet? Just an accessory. No bike.


I don't care about anything except for the STREAK OF GREY.
Hes four years old tops, and already has grey hair.
Dapperrrrrrr.

If you made it this far, you are about to get a serious reward.
Because.
This kid.
Just posted up on the fence for about an hour.
When I told him I liked his suit, he said:
"Yeah. Sure you do."



I got sonned.

Everyone knows complaining is attractive get with the program

I'd like to take this opportunity to send out a big fuck you to Waves of Panic.
No, thats not a Brooklyn based band made up of bicurious flannel wearing dudes.
Its just anxiety.
I get it frequently enough that I now report to people while out on the town "having fun"
Like waiting by the bathroom in a bar, and someone I know says "heeey" and my response is "I don't actually have to pee I'm just having a slight panic attack and I'm feeling better in thisssss aaaaarea over heeeere...."

Anyway.
Sometimes I think to myself, wow I really don't want to go out tonight.
I don't want people looking at me, I don't want to look at them either.
I don't want to smell like smoke, I don't want to drink vodka sodas, I don't want to have that couple of hours where you just sort of exist wherever you are waiting for something 'better' to start happening.
Because guess what?
Sometimes, most of the time, nothing better is going to happen.
Thats when I go into my mind and start imagining something along any of these lines:

1. a slightly chilled by not anywhere near cold bottle of orange gatorade
2. an aggressive and pleasurable hair wash at a decent salon.
3. a killer make out sesh with a boy who wears glasses. actually the glasses are a take-it-or-leave-it thing but your imagination works better when you're mad specific.
4. animals dancing like humans, non computer generated
5. a good toe pulling*
6. cheeseburgers
7. funny accents on children
8. warm pool night swimming
9. sitting in the blazing sun on top of that giant stone pyramid thing at the playground by the Met.
10. rolling on furry rugs
*I realize the phrase toe pulling sounds disgusting, but if you've never had someone pull your toes and twirl them around, you're an idiot. Its basically like getting laid but you don't have to shave anything or waste precious energy.

But when I don't see humans I start to feel like my body is going to explode, so duh, I continue to get dressed, have a couple beers, and drag myself out into the cold.


Heres someone I like to see.
Its fun when we get along really well, but somehow I always end up getting drunk and telling everyone this same anecdote, "ONE TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL ME AND JJ GOT IN A FIGHT IN THE HALL AND WE GOT DETENTION BUT BY THE TIME WE HAD THE DETENTION WE WERE PASSING NOTES, BESTIES ALL OVER AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!"
And I say it just like that, one long spastic sentence, Kanye caps speak.
Then people fake smile and pretend the story is cute, even though we all know no one gives a shit.





Making idiotic faces is sometimes an indication of insecurity but the way these people love themselves borders on masturbatory.
So its just a lil bit of corn.
A lil corn cobby.
A lil summer salad with corn niblets.
A lil cracking of corn, and no one caring.


Something Conrad cares about?
Playdoh sculpting.
An entire table of adults making playdoh penises and whatnot with a container of this stuff the size of teacandle.
I didn't even know one could produce such a small container of playdoh.
Side note: when I say 'we' were making penises, I mean me. I'm pretty sure everyone else was less of a cliche 14 year old boy in art class during pottery semester.




Then this one showed up and this picture could possibly be the perfect representation of her whole aura.
Bugging.
Piscean women and their deep endless seas of emotion!

Went out again last night, rarr rarr rarr, things happened the way you would expect them to.

Interesting point I would like to make though.

I think hipster 'men' right now are trying to hype the hippie look. Because. I saw a lot of dudes with hair way to close to being dreads. (And I'm not talking Jamaicans I'm talking white boys with pleasantly handsome faces)
Also, they all looked very purposefully haphazard, like they have been traveling across country in a van, picking up random items of attire and bits of appearance flair wherever they stop off.
Well.
I would like to say to these guys.
I hope you drop this trend.
Because it already stinks, and I can't even say its blown up yet.
Please stick to good sneakers and proper fitting jeans.
And if you must wear a hat, please do not specifically chose the goofiest one you can find.
You are not a grandpa yet, so no, you will not be excused and adored for your ridiculousness.
And finally, please take off one accesory before you leave the house.
Coco Chanel knew what she was talking about.
You are not doing a great job.
Also saw a few guys trying to bring this kind of shit back:


New York boys, please stop being Ds.
Stop acting cheesy and rude.
Stop primping like ladies.
Stop acting like women owe you a beej just because you exist.

I'm not that bitter I would just really love to see a social change. I have high hopes, sue me.

So it was a bunch of those dudes, some other guys I've known so long they still call me Hunny Bunny, and weirdo asian guys who were falling asleep literally at the bar.

Sooooo I think I have the right to feel underwhelmed.

But I still love my bishes.

And I love pizza.

And dancing.

At least all of that is always here.

Holler.

If birds could talk theyd talk about yer mom

So you know the little Notes application in iPhone?
Well, I make notes on the subway about things I want to blog.
Then I get home and realize brainfarts like these don't really flesh out the way I intend:

1. Guys who can braid their beards - where are they cause I wanna date them.
(In reality, all I wrote was BRAIDED BEARDS!?!)
2. The phrase "Gib me spashe" - too annoying to say out loud or hilarious?
3. Mo Willems is amazing.

Wait so actually, I kind of feel like I can use these examples right now.

Seriously about the braided beards, I don't need to explain do I?
Its like if you could take all the extras from Braveheart; dump them into Manhattan; and invite them to a bar around the corner from me, I could literally die happy.
Actually, I might want to change it to braided mustache.
I don't know it doesn't matter either way.
Braid your facial hair.
It works.

"Gib me spashe"...also explains itself.
Is it the right kind of annoying?
I'm not sure yet.
For some reason it reminds me of Martin Short


Ps upon googling Martin Short, I found this gem.

Martin Short. Steve Martin. Play fighting in the tropical sea?
My gayness meter just exploded fairy cum sprinkles everywhere.
And it smells like Drakkar, old lady face lotion and BubbleYum.

So onto Mo Willems.
This guy is the author/illustrator of a lot of really great childrens books that I have read to tons of babes.
They are good for doing voices.
They are funny.
They have little to no creepy sugar coating, which almost all media directed at the young uns have.

My favorite character of his is Pigeon.
Pigeon doesn't wanna share his hot dogs.
He wants to stay up mad late.
He wants to drive the bus around New York.
He's super manipulative and hes a total liar.
Hes an asshole just like actual pigeons.
If you're a parent or a nanny or just a retard who can't read chapter books, get on Mo.
Such a treat.





Abrupt blog end.

That Lady

Hey guys can I be her?

Because I only wanna wear stretch pants and old tees.
Plus snow boots.
Whether or not a chance of snow is projected.



Lets take a look at my surroundings shall we

I think this is apt is reverting back to the days when it was inhabited by a old nutball named Marjorie. Candle wax all over everything. The smell of cats. Half an avocado and two slices of ham going bad in the warm(ish) fridge.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

Afterthought: I may regret joining twitter.

I also may regret ever agreeing to work weekends.

Jung/mammal/new york city/bill clintonesque

I'm watching The PickUp Artist on VH1.
I don't need to explain how maddening it is.

At the very least, it's prompted some brain activity re: what humans want.
Herd mentality/collective unconscious is something I find to be pretty radical.
You do things because other people do them.
You wear things and say things and demean things for reasons seemingly unbeknownst to you.
But its not that complicated, we just do as we see. If we see something is accepted amongst our peers, we continue on with the confidence that we won't be shunned.

Maybe there are some of us who have greater power against the crowd:

CHARISMA...
Though very difficult or even impossible to define accurately (due to a lack of widely accepted criteria in regard to the trait), charisma is often used to describe an elusive, even undefinable personality trait that often includes the seemingly 'supernatural' or uncanny ability to lead, charm, persuade, inspire, and/or influence people. It refers especially to a quality in certain people who easily draw the attention and admiration (or even hatred if the application of such charisma is perceived to be negative) of others due to a 'magnetic' quality of personality and/or appearance. Related terms and phrases include: grace, exuberance, equanimity, mystique, positive energy, joie de vivre, extreme charm, personal magnetism, personal appeal, "electricity," and allure, among many others[1]. Usually many of these specific qualities must be present within a single individual for the person to be considered highly charismatic by the public and their peers.

Despite the strong emotions they so often induce in others, charismatic individuals generally project unusual calmness, confidence, assertiveness, dominance, authenticity, and focus, and almost always possess superb communication and/or oratorical skills. Although the etymology of the word ("divine gift") might suggest that charisma can't be acquired, and despite the persistent inability to accurately define or even fully understand the concept, it is believed that charisma can be taught and/or learned




I wouldn't call it vanity, but I think a lot of people in my life would definitively state that they possess high amounts of charisma.
The crowd you find yourself in is often somewhat a reflection or yourself, so in turn, I would have to say I myself, might be pretty fucking charismatic.

I feel like this whole topic comes down to "good on paper" vs a literal "human powerhouse of joie de vivre"

Its not where you got your shoes.
Its not who you're dating.
Its not how your hair smells or when you got yer nails did.
Its not how many drinks you can get for free/consume at which party.
Its not even really where you work or who knows your name.
Its not the street you grew up on.
Its not how many times you graced the pages of culture mags.

All that shit helps maybe?

But you're either at the back of the herd or the front.

Or just ride dolo?
I currently endorse that option.

Fer pizzazz?

Fridays never were all that dope

Warning:

If you talk to me today tomorrow or anytime soon, I will probably say something I don't mean.

I have thrown my cats numerous times today.

I have maybe never been this randomly angry in my whole life.


So at least the Beware is on the table.