DAYMARE.

I am never going to Spain.
Why?
Because anywhere that these kinds of things happen and are TAPED and are set to music fit for The Shining, and voice-overed by creeperson creepnuts; I want nothing to do with.

Without further adieu:


I may have to revise my list of the most terrifying predators on earth to include eagles in the top 3.
Previously it went like this:
1. squid
2. wolves
3. sharks

Now I think it should go like this:
1. squid
2. eagles
3. shark/wolf hybrid beast.
Oh my god imagine a fucking SHARKWOLF.
Someone please make a claymation short film called sharkwolf.
Why claymation I don't know.
I guess so I won't pee my pants in fear watching it.

PS if anyone has information about predators who are more efficient or terrifying, its a topic I love discussing.
PPS I already know about the whole violent human hating hippo theory so please don't try to school me like that.
I'm not scared of a fucking hippo.
A. because I doubt I'm going to Africa anytime soon.
and B. because look at this thing.

Oh hi, I'm just a hippo giving snugs to a tortoise.
I like to smile and have pink skin and waddle around looking for wet cool places to take super long naps.


Fact: Jessica the Hippo lives in a god damn house with these whitey white South African folks.
So take that one to the bank.
I know, hippos attack more than any other animal in Africa, but c'mon.
If you were by some dark dirty river and you saw a crocodile and a hippo to your left and to your right, staring at your juicy delicious limbs, which one would you innately run from?
Exactly.

Anyway, thats what I did this evening when I returned home from Jersey.
Went to see Sam and Alex and watched youtubes of scary animals.

Opposite of scary, I found my true spirit animal.
Fainting goats.
They are also called nervous goats, wooden leg goats, Tennessee goats, stiff goats, etc.
AMAZING.
I don't know what is better than goats flipping out and getting frozen leg from a stupid farmer opening an umbrella in their faces.


Oh hi, you startled me.

Have we had enough animals for today?
Great.

Gratuitous portrait time

Samantha gets a lot of profile shots in.
Bee Tee Dubs, I got a haircut.
I hate haircuts almost as much as I hate the smell of coffee.
Almost as much as I hate when kids get yogurt on their hands and then touch you.
EW.

Not Ew.

I like to come back home and see my bestie and eat biscuits and salad and vegetable samosas and have about 4 drinks and then go home and pass out with my cats. With all the lights on.
Then wake up and blog.

PPPS Hi Liv and Hiyme, yes I went to your house when you weren't there and had dinner.
Thats what you get for leaving me here while you go to Mexico.
Fags.

In conclusion, the holiday season is nearly over.
Thank the lord baby jesus for that.
I was over it before it started.
Alls we have left is New Years Eve which I'm already dreading.
Though I am sort of considering going out on the town.
If you would like to know where, I will tell you.
But not on this blog BECAUSE ITS TOP SECRET.
I'm dead serious about that.
Or just dead.

What was I talking about.
Oh so holidays.
I was gonna talk about that, making cookies and hanging out with cute babies and doing family things.
But no one ever cares and I don't think I want to go over it all.
I did meet my nephew Jack for the first time and he is a ham sandwich.


Also a ham sandwich, Nancy Conley.

Thanks mother for making us food and buying us things and for the first Christmas of my life, following directions as to what I actually need.
Frying pans, slippers, nightgowns, candles, and giant books about Prince.
I have returned to the life of an actual Cathy comic.
No doubt.

This is my home.

My prayers have been answered and I am back in Chinatown where there is beautiful silence.
Except for Chinamen loogie hock sounds.
I love my home. I love my bed. I love this city. Wipe a tear from my eye.


Couple things.

I hate Christmas. Christians. And ham for dinner. Ew.

I am very excited for New Years Eve for once. I think I deserve a midnight makeout. If anyone does it's me. Slurp.
And I've got a couple candidates in mind WIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Don't tease the animals.

Sidenote time.
One of my best dear darling cuteness friends has returned from Mexico to save my life. Not really, to work for Reuters big timmmaaaahhhhh. So yay for that. Shes supposed to be my twin but lately when I say that people give me the youre a retard eyeball and go, "ummmmmm yeeeaaaahhh not really?"
You be the judge.


Hearts and balloons.
I can't wait for her to move in and do things that will make me laugh.
And bogart joints. Jaja!
Aherm KATIE ORLINSKY. Take a look at her website she is pretty genius. Yay!


So back to the issue at hand. the craziness is finally over and here is what I learned from the holiday season 2007:
1. Me. Plus my sister. Plus her husband. plus Scott. Equals mayhem? Apparently.
I think it was the Rex Harrison hat that set it off.




2. My sister drinks alot. still funny after all these years.
3. i need my own camera.
4. there is someone i secretly really want to see for the New Year. (blush)
5. I love seeing Nicole and Murph in all of their lesbionic glory.
6. Missing lexapro for 3+ days may kill you
7. I don't want a dog
8. Roommates are like musical chairs. More on that as it develops.
9. I still love vodka sodas.
10. My mother still has not learned how to read a Christmas list. It will not matter if I put that one desired gift in ALL CAPS LIKE THIS********** with arrows. In red. I still will not get it because god thinks those things are funny.

God loves jokes just like me.

Holy Spirit forev.

Most importantly, my niece is the cutest baby ever to live and I want to spend the rest of my life snuggling her fat head.

Team Jew!

Frank and Tom's pizza, Heineken, and Ben and Jerry's.
Typical.
Wednesdays are tops.
La Petit Ryan came over with a super present midway between her native Hannakah (sp?) and my Christmas. Jews and Catholics togeth forev.


I'd say a good month ago I told her about how bewildered I am about this whole north south east west phenomenon. Alls I know is, north is uptown and east is homeward. Oh, and galleries are west. And umm.... Brooklyn eats shit?
Jk, Jk, Jk, not jk.
Anyway, Petit gave me the raddest compass so I can stop meandering around intersections trying to look like I know whats up.



I do that whole squint then cell phone check then pretend to be busy foot shuffle thing while I spy all of the street signs and pray I guess which way the partys at.
You all know the deal, I could live in C town til I die, and I will still call you 5o yards from your crib like, "Do I go left or right at the scaffolding?"
"Wait...shutup...I'm FACING Whole Foods...like looking at it...go what way?"
So Petit is basically saving my sanity at this point. She's a total doll. A doll in a Yankees fitted and ass baring boy Levis. And a shit eating Jew grin. Us gentiles don't know a thing about that happiness. We are too busy whipping our own backs around Christmas to be fucking merry like that.
Tis the season!



Now that I've got the holidays poisoning my thoughts, I have to say. Christmas. Movie. Recommendation. I've noticed this whole sexually appealing cornfed yokel thing with dudes in the city. You're not Will Oldham, and you shouldn't want to be, because cousins got about an 8head. He's like the white Tyra. Anyway, if you want the real deal good dirty old cuntry boy rent Bad Santa FORTHWITH. Yes. Forthwith.
BBT (Billy Bob Thornton ahem) is such a piece. I take back that whole Gosling thing, the BBT is the good stuff.

He's my Christmas crack.
AAAAAAND goodnight.