In every wish and dream And happy home You will find the kingdom of The Gnomes

Everything comes in giant waves, no?

I woke up quite under the weather this morning completely unable to swallow coupled with aching eyeballs.
Not suitable for nannying.
I had to call out of work of course because little babes don't need my germs no siree. (Suri?)

It was an unpleasant day of not eating, not really drinking, not really moving... just rolling around in my bed having feverish dreams and intermittently feeling the disgusting tingle of the sunburn on my lower back rub against my sheets.

Then I dragged myself up around 230 this afternoon to get ready to go to therapy on the upper west side.
For some reason I thought today would be a really good day to delve into some ol stinky garbage issues I've had since I was a kid that possibly affect my current behaviours.
Might I remind you, this is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and is all about living in the moment mindfully. It is certainly not about having an hour long self absorbed cry fest.
Well...today I failed at mindfulness and self control.
I sweat all over Claude's nice Eames lounge chair and snot up about half his box of tissues.
I cried the entire time basically and I had that weird awful sobby choked voice that it just unbearable.

So that happened.

I came home to rest and take some pills and drink some tea which was nice but then I got shit on by someone who shall remain nameless.
I really dislike being disliked does that make sense?
I always feel this weird pity for people who berate those who care about them. It makes me think they are so beyond fucked inside that I have to figure it out and then assist them in some way.
Maybe they just don't like me and thats why they talk shit.
Either way, its essentially a lose-lose sitch.

So as of 7 minutes ago it became Tuesday and this horrible Monday ended and I am glad for it.
I embrace every moment I have with those I love but today was pretty loveless for the most part.
Thats why I'm going to think about all the happiness I had this holiday weekend.
I am so so thankful for the people in my life who give me positive thoughts and unconditional acceptance.
I hope these photos make you feel good.


On the train out to NJ to celebrate the 4th, it appeared as though Levin was not set to have a good time with the ladies. But I had faith in his ability to find enjoyment in all the vagina he was about to be stuck with for 48 hours.


Porto sits with me and is never embarrassed when I talk too loud or say "wet dick" in public.
Maybe she is embarrassed but she doesn't scold me which is nice.


Marshy like disease time.


Beer.
Meat.
Livy's salad.
Dinner in the yard.
It was an immediate killing it type of situation upon arrival.

We walked to the fireworks at the river and somehow ended up with the perfect seats despite a crowd of 125,000 people. Supposedly 125G, Nancy may have exaggerated.


Levin posted up Americana.


This is real.
Real emosh. (emotional? can i say emosh?)
Stephanie cried a few times and forced Levin to hold her hand dramatically.
I enjoyed that.
I mostly clapped furiously and wiggled with excitement.
Red Bank fireworks are by far the best I have ever seen in my life.
There were hearts and purple things and star showers and hibiscus shaped ones with red lanterns in the center that floated away as the explosion faded.
Steph and I now have a plan to be cremated and stuffed into a tube WITH fireworks so we can be shot into the sky and transcend time and space like magik.
I made up that last part about transcendence.


Levin caveman duties.


This is what drunk ghosts probably look like.



The next day, the actual July 4th, we had a plan to remain at the beach until the fireworks went off on the ocean around 9pm.
It is very hard to be at the beach for ten hours.
But Ilona and Werman showed up which was entertaining, especially because Ilona was wearing her mans underpants as a babin suit.


Werman is a good beach DJ.


Look at these butts!
Look at these mexican blankies from 7-11!


Stephanie's beach walk is so good, she does it a certain way 'so nothing shakes'
Shes my tiny pony.


If they have a baby I think they should just name it Jew.
No other moniker would really explain a creature from their combined beings.



Jey and BabyBows finally showed up late in the day.
They did not disappoint on Jersey costume prep.
Best part is they sort of always look like this.
I just never realized what I was looking at.
Glory.


I wish I had thought of this first.

I don't think it is possible to blog anything after the beginning of the sunset.
It was too good.
Dogs running on the beach.
So much color.
Music and swimming and all kinds of good things.
Heavenly is a good adjective in very few occasions but here it may apply.



















Olivia took photos of me with seashells over my boobies like a mermaid laying in the wet sand.
And me and Jey holding hands in the creek reflecting the pink from the sky.
And Stephanie dancing with a scarf like a bird.
And water dives and poodle chases and Micheal Jackson beach house blasting celebration.
All those parts are in my head where they belong and I wish I could share them but I just don't know about that.
I would have to be so much better of a writer...

We had one more little trip to the beach Sunday after I ate probably 3 entire bagels and drank 14 glasses of juice.
Then to Jeys to eat all the food at her house.
Also to show off my sunburn.


And sing this:


Then to the ferry to see another sunset and go back to the reals.



Out-feeeeit!








The moon!



This to that.


I walked South Street to my apartment and was greeted by a giant dead bird on the stoop.
It stared at me for a few minutes then whispered Welcome Home.

*PostScript thank you mom for taking care of us and loving us and feeding us and having a place for me always

Hi Waaaaayne.....Hiiiiiiii.

I just touched my cat's butt by accident and I'm really disgusted by it.

Something else I'm disgusted by is the state my legs are in.
I look like a teenage runaway who lives under a bridge and has a vitamin deficiency.
I have been tearing up South Street on my bike as well as having too many drinks and aggressively dragging said bike up and down stairs and such.
That explains the severely bruised ankles/calves/thighs.
I have this super irritated shredder cut that looks kind of like a tiger tried to climb up my limb. Its is a little swollen and still fairly dirty.
I fell. That's the whole story.


So today Claude, my cognitive behavioral therapist/new best friend told me in jest that I should tattoo 'I don't date losers' on the palm of my hand to serve as a personal reminder.
We talked for at least 20 minutes about the fact that I specifically chose to continue seeing men who I am FULLY AWARE are unavailable.
AKA substance abusers, cheaters, jobless drifters, emotionally invested in other women, depressed, etc etc etc.
To be totally honest, this is something I swear to God, I didn't know I was doing.
Heres a sample of how blind I am:

Claude: What exactly do you want from ____?
Me: I think I have no idea what I want. I think I wish things would just be happy and awesome. The men I like, they are actually good people, seriously Claude.
Claude: OK. Good. Are they available?
Me: No.
Claude: OK. So you have to stop seeing them. Cut it off. Its OK for things to just not work out. No one is a 'loser' we are just humans. You are not picking losers, you are just being *MALADAPTIVE.
Me: But that means I don't win.
(THAT IS VERBATIM. VERBATIM)
Claude: Riiiight. So you're winning right now? I mean... wouldn't winning be dating people who want to be with you? And respect you? And are ready?
Me: What? This is stupid. I win if I make it work.
Claude: Guess what. You just made my job easier. Repeat yourself outloud. See how it sounds.
Me: Oh shit.

Aaaaaand SCENE.
Tada!
Then he gave me some exercises to do and things to research and looked at me like a little gnome and wiggled his glasses and said, "Its all about the path. Thats all. Just the path."
That gave me a panic attack but I settled down and was fine.
Great Job.

*Maladaptive behaviors refer to types of behaviors that inhibit a person’s ability to adjust to particular situations. This type of behavior is often used to reduce one’s anxiety, but the result is dysfunctional and non-productive. For example, avoiding situations because you have unrealistic fears may initially reduce your anxiety, but it is non-productive in alleviating the actual problem in the long term.

Enough about that for now.
Here's some things me and Gob did together recently.

(not this Gob)




Gob and I looking at the river while weird Chinese people fish and set things on fire.


Gob and I looking out at machinery and dome as pictured below.




Awkward running father who did not understand that one would need wind in order to successfully fly a kite.
Men alone with children is interesting because of their completely sporadic fits of logic. Its there...then its not? Oh here eat this popsicle for breakfast. What? You refuse to now eat these eggs? Why???
Lets fly a kite! Shit, there is no wind. I guess I'll just walk around with you with no water and long sleeves on this very hot afternoon until your mother gets home.
Shrug.
I love men, I do. And the idea of a loving father, a fun father...its a Dream. Its special!
But.
Lets face it.
Theres a reason why kids think dads are fun and moms are pests.
Somebody has to be the pest or every kid in the world would have rotten teeth, dirty faces, infected fingies and weird brown bag lunches with little to no nutritional value.
I generalize because its funny.


Death is part of life.
But maggots eating squirrel eyes is still gross.
FDR is literally killing it.
(ba-dum CHHHH!)


Tank top balding sandals guy and his giant turtle, who may in fact be his romantic lover.
PS the turtle lives in a boat house.
Baller.

This has nothing to do with my bike rides, but please look at this man on the train.

His toupee was SO UNBEWEAVABLE in person.
It looks like a hair hat!
I have never seen anything like it.
It was so shiny and wiggish and his little remaining wiry gray hairs poked out all around its border.
He also had the weirdest kit I have even seen, dirty denim with elastic waist and cuffs?
One velcro shoe one with laces?
A fucking confetti party time pattern umbrella?
An expensive-ish watch?
I'm pretty sure hes one of those people who tries to sell you free things like copies of the Onion or 'appraisal on air conditioning unit installing' coupons he got in the mail. Super Saver!
He probably also eats people.

The opposite of scary train guy is this kid, who I met at Stephanies bday BBQ.


He was really good at scrounging our food and also tried to plant an avocado pit in the dirt so the park could have a fruit bearing tree.
I gave him bubbles and a pop ice.
Then I played ball with him.
His face makes me happy so I am going to go to bed before something ruins it.

Arr-vwar, creeps!

Claire Fisher marries Ted Fairwell in the end, don't forget that

FACT:
I have decided that women do not change.
Ever.
I was just IMing with a very beautiful special coy intelligent 13 year old I babysit for Wednesday afternoons.
Yes that sentence is 100 percent truth.

I like to be supportive and be a good listener because there is no greater relief at that age...

Anyway, we were talking about boys.
How when you are friends with a boy, he wants to kiss you.
And boys you want to kiss, don't really want anything from you at all.
In fact, they want to date your bestie.
What a shame.
(PS this is all a direct tale from said 13 year old, it is not just a worst-case-scenario nightmare as you may suspect)

That gives me anxiety. Right now. At 25 years old.

More accurately though, the whole thing makes me optimistic that nothing really changes.
If you have faith, there is a time when it just kind of works.
When you're a little older than you wanted to be.
Not fit to wear white anymore.
Sort of tired looking with something other than Prime Ass Shapeliness.
Then I think, if all goes according to girl dream formula, someone totally loves you to an absurd degree anyway.
And you do not get tired of them.
And it is not gross when you wake up and they are staring at you.

Basically what I'm saying is, we are in love.


How rad would it be if my name turned out to be Kristina Messina?
Admittedly not that rad but get real hes a fox.


(lets say thats me)
(its not a stretch)

Open Request:
If you are in fact a man hope you read none of this because it makes me look fairly psychotic.
Theeeinks!

Holler please.

Sew, I think I might go on a date tomorrow.
That means one of two things for you, blog reader/stalker.
A. It will go horrible and I will be able to tell you all the glorious details. Then none of us will know whether to laugh or cry.
B. It will be good, therefor I will share zero details and I will start writing his surname in cursive on little pieces of paper. JK I don't do that. JK I totally do that.

Anyway, wish me luck, even though luck doesn't exist dummies.
Its kind of perfect timing matter of fact because tomorrow Venus exits its long torturous existence in retrograde and goes direct.
For more information on this, please email me with the subject line "I'm a total faggot and I want to know more about astrology don't tell anyone"
And I promise to really not tell anyone.

PS.
My cats are so obsessed with me I can't handle it anymore. When people say animals don't feel love, I want to ask them to please come over for one hour and witness.
As I type, they are hovering around me smelling my eyelashes and nudging my hands and meowing. It is so precious and also I want to throw both of them out the window.

So I keep wanting to leave New York.
For Easter aka Disgusting Honey Baked Spiral Cut Ham Day, I went to Jersey to see my mum and Olive came with.
I drank too much and ate a bag of Fritos and cried in the bathroom.
Needless to say it was awesome.
I woke up in the morning with 3 empty Capri Suns on the floor by the bed and a killer headache. I'm pretty sure it was off the scale galpal shit going on.


One of my oldest and most inappropriate friends.
Holler please.
PS she is the only person in the universe that I don't hate for having piercings in her face.
And if I did have a problem with it, she would rearrange all of my internal organs with her bare hands.
Then rip my vagina off with maniacal brute strength.


Sometimes it is weird to me that Jeylan and I grew up around the corner from eachother. And we still sort of live around the corner from each other, only in a different state.
Its because we are codependant. Fuck off.
Hi, these are the people I love.
Murphs face is the real.


Hi Bestie.
That ugly ass facial expression will never stop my deep deep love.
You know best friend loyalty when you decide its time to lay on the floor and ask them, "what will I do when I die and we're apart?"
and they respond, "Oh honey, that won't happen" then roll their eyes and hug you.
Strangely enough, I'm pretty sure that if there are two humans who can defeat the rules of death in order to not have to be separated, its me and Alisha.
No big whoop.

Enough of that.

Olive wanted to take pictures at the beach the next day so we drove to Deal Beach, which just so hapens to be where HER mom had a summer house as a kid.
Heres me documenting her documenting to send a picture text to her mom in Hollywood.
Complicated?
Pay attention and it won't be.


I took of my shoes for photo shoot time despite the fact that the sand was cold as Canadian balls.
The majesty of the ocean makes it all worthwhile.








As a general rule, fillins in affluent suburban communities are a stupid look.


Olive gazing at the sea for her Popeye.


Hopefully there will be one or two pictures of me not scowling in the 48 rolls of film Olive shot.


Look what I found!


I tried to absorb the powers of Fin Raziel.
I can't tell if it worked yet.
Hey nerd, stop talking about Willow all the time.
OK sorry.
Its just a really good movie on all fronts.

Moral of the story.
I don't feel like blogging anymore because Molly is here.
My friends are cute.
I like the ocean.
The ocean likes me back.
I hate wearing shoes.
I love Fritos.
I'm having a weird hair day.

Wish me luck on my crappy date.

Holler Please.