I'm really relaxed about things.

I feel like this is an example of exactly how horrible I am on my pain in the ass days:

(ps sorry Hoyt for blowing up your spot about how gay you are)

me: oh my god can i just say it
i fucking hate
coffee
i hate the smell
so much
jhoyt: coffee is slang for get a beverage
me: it smells rotten
jhoyt: of any kind when its too early to drink
well, I like it
so deal
me: what about the smell
jhoyt: Its different when you like it
me: when i smell coffee and im with someone else
i automatically dislike them

jhoyt: it forms a receptor that associates those molecules with heightened awareness
me: via association
jhoyt: even iced coffee? its not fragrant
me: i know what it smells like under the ice
jhoyt: well, sorry dude
just give me a mint, and I'll stay away from your nose until Im done
I love espresso
I used to hate it, but now, I LOVE IT
me: disgusting

me: when i dont like things
i really trul;y am grossed out
jhoyt: you can have soda
me: the trifecta is coffee, yogurt, and bananas
those three
i wanna throw up just seeing the words typed
jhoyt: like banana chopped up in the yogurt?
me: oh my god
fuck you
seriously
jhoyt: a parfait?
me: its disgusting
the worst part is kids love yogurt and bananas
but i cant touch or smell them
i get the willies
so i have to make them do it themselves which is really messy
jhoyt: is it a weird trauma thing?
me: i dont know
i just hate them
they smell like rotting corpse in my mind
jhoyt: when Im feeling lazy on weekends I get a stick of ostrich beef jerky and this really processed stiff creamy icelandic yogurt
SO GOOD
me: like decay
everything you say is so latent homo today
jhoyt: deal with it
you should bang the homo out of me
that would totally teach my coffee drinking yogurt loving ass a lesson
me: thats disgusting
talking like that with yogurt in the sentence
also ass
ass plus yogurt
plus coffee
plus the term bang
all of that was a nightmare


In conclusion, being friends with me obviously sucks.
Goodnight.

Hi, Hater, Bye Dater.

This is by far the most bloggable thing that has happened to me in months.
I seriously mean that.
It is so amazing, so absurd, so perfectly weird, that I can not bear to keep it to myself.

Every once in awhile someone I care for tells me that I can be a bit cruel. That sometimes my teasing hits too close to home and its hurtful for them.
When this happens, I typically don't even realize I have done it, and sincerely apologize for my insensitivity and bullying.

The following email was just sent to me an hour ago, by a guy I went on ONE DATE WITH.
He hardly knows me from a hole in the wall.
As I stated a few posts back, it was an ok date, there just weren't SPARKS! happening.
This my friends, is why I don't date 'nice guys.'

I would just also like to throw in, this is a TOTAL SHOCK TO ME, seeing as I did absolutely nothing to this guy.
I'm serious, I'm not just saying it.
The one thing I think he could have gotten his panties twisted up about would maybe be me telling him he reminded me of David Cross. Which, PS, not an insult!

I think this is simply a case of one man, no balls, playing way out of his league.

Enjoy!

*hey you mentioned not wanting the guy to buy all your drinks cause it might be bad Karma.
Well if you are worried about Karma you might want to try not to be the biggest fucking bitch you can be in a poor attempt to cover up the fact that you are a huge loser.
The booze must of caught my tongue cause you are easily the worst person I have ever been on a date with and I should left after the first of many insults and told you to go fuck yourself. Sorry for the delay this should of been seen after we first met.


LOL WAT!

YAY!!
I think he likes me!!





Here is my response:

Wow that was weird.
Good luck with everything in your future

Kindest regards
Krissy

Sent from my iPhone

* So, the thing about the drinks....um...how awesome of me?!?!
I never let men pay for everything because I don't ever want to be a gold digger, lead them on, or make them feel obligated.
Not only that, but this guy told me 10 minutes into our date that he was so glad to hang out together!
He stuck around for almost 3 hours! Never got sour, nothing!

Is it possible that this is what happens when you don't put out?
Hermmmmm.

Anyway, despite being totally over the catch phrase.....

Hi, Hater!!!!!


PPS If you would like a picture of this super happy lovable guy, please leave a comment with request and I will gladly show him to you.
Why?
Because I'm a bitch like that!
Just looking out for my fellow castraters of NYC.

Pon de cherry

The Burton/Depp version of Willy Wonka is on right now.
Watching it all I can think of is Michael Jackson and how he's becoming a Muslim and dying of some kind of secret lung disease.
Oooook.

So I need to talk about this asap.
Not Willy Wonka and Jackson, something else.


THIS.

So here's the thing.
I get it that Terry Richardson is talented and loved.
I also get it that models are pretty and make people think about sex and hedonism and excess.
I get that Douchey Fuckerson the Chauvanist Shitbag is in SOME circles seen as a talented film maker.
OK that's great, I can understand exactly who is going to look at this ad and feel invigorated.
They will immediately taste the sting of cocaine dripping down their throat.
They will get a koolguy boner and they will walk out onto the street, long strides in their 250 dollar industrial jeans and second hand motorcycle jacket. They will envision commanding all the pussy of the city.
Come to meeee pussy.
I, like Terry and Vincent and red headed models, I will rule my universe with my balls.
My one of a kind, super prominent figurative balls.

This is where you say, oh hi hater.
Yes I am a total hater.
But on the other hand...

I love vodka.
I drink it in excess.
It makes me laugh and it makes me feel like hot shit and it makes me funnier.
It makes me more interesting and more importantly it makes you more interesting.
So lets say I wasn't a hater.
Lets say I was an icon.
Lets say I was Terry or Vincent or ten times thinner.
I might actually love to do an ad for Belvedere.



So that is what my life is about.
Hating on people and having a hard time admitting that I would do the exact same thing if given the chance to sell out and revel in self-obsession and trend.

We shouldn't kid ourselves.
Par example...
why does facebook or myspace exist?
Oh because we all want everyone else looking at us validating our existence.
I can admit to this because I have a blog. A blog that is strictly about me for the love of christ.
Me all day.
Me all night.
Pictures of me stories about me people who hang out with me things I'm thinking about, ads that bother me on the subway.

I can hardly think about it anymore because Cokey my cat is kneading my stomach with her stupid paws.
And staring in my right eye.

So to get to the point.

Here's a list of things I want more or less of in the new year:

More black nerds. Less white rappers.
*When I say black nerds I mean real nerds who love anime and sci-fi, not short pants/Buddy Holly glasses koolguys in hiding.

More fat chefs, less skinny jean djs.
*When I say fat chefs I literally mean fat chefs.
Thats that new shit.

More gay senior citizens, less Dominican teenage boys in bedazzled gear.
*When I say gay I mean bordering on queen status.

More Ed Koch steez, less Ed Hardy steez.
* When I say Koch steez I mean exactly this.

*and this is the opposite of that.


Its all in the mindset.

More Jewish talk show hosts, less Tyty Baby Banks hosting anything at all.

More Gatorade and antidepressants, less cocaine.

More cats wearing booties, less small dogs wearing mock turtlenecks.


More for real dancehall beats, less of anything off of this album.

*Yes, I was really feeling it for awhile.
No, I do not want to hear you play this shit one more time on your guest dj night at Lit.
*Nor do I want you to ever play A Millie again.
It was fun while it lasted.
Move on.

More airport karaoke, less delays out of Newark.

More Chinatown, less Williamsburg.

More 'bear attacks city", less "dog bites toddlers face"
*violence is never funny or acceptable, but try to tell me that a giant black bear tearing down Wall Street would not be an amazing situation.

More Cosby Couples, less open relationships.


I'm asking for a lot.
Actually thats not the tip of the iceberg really.
I also want my friends in LA to move to New York.
Then I want LA to become it's own country.

I want a good pair of snow boots, and I want those snow overalls for grown-ups that they sell in Kmart and Kmart only.

I want really white teeth, and I want the entire Scorcese history of the blues dvd set.
Along with every season of Six Feet Under. Playing on a projector on my wall at all times.

Last but not least I want some more art.
From you.
I'll buy it.
I won't sell it if you suddenly get hyped because I don't play like that.

And I want happy holidays for all and at least a million dollars so I can buy my apartment and fix the pipes.
I mean that literally, there's no "fixin the pipes" joke to follow.

Much love much hate much everything its yin yang you know.

Last but not least, more polaroids.

(this boy is the whipped cream of humans)

PS my entire Year In Review post will be polaroid heaven.
See you there cronies!

flesh ripping

This is an article about the worst television commercial ever made. It includes a youtube of the commercial in the body.
Please watch it and then dig your eyes out with a shrimp fork.
Then stick a screwdriver in your ear.

I hate it.

It makes me want to kill myself.


I've seen it twice today because its Sunday and all I wanted to do was watch Family Guy.

Now I'm walking around the apartment bitching to my roommate and her friend from Guatemala about how I feel insane when I try to decipher what kind of advertising team allowed this to go into production.


Saaaaved Byyyyy Zeeeeerooooooo.



Fuck you Toyota.

The Art of Fuckery

No offense Glenn, but you are the reason why women despise their reflection in the mirror.
Every time you cash a check, a 14 year old girl begs her mom for breast implants and a rhinoplasty.

No, you know what?
...its not Glenns fault completely.
We are the ones who ask for it.
We are the ones who look at model/actresses on magazine covers and say all aghast, "UGH. What a fucking shame. That bitch looks like she could use a nap and a stint in rehab. How old is she now??? Cause she looks about 80. And who told her she can be photographed at that angle? she looks like a god damn wildebeest"

Society of haters.
All of us.

No wonder Glenn is in high demand.

Credit to B

Thank you Bianca for bringing to my attention yet another reason to hope Rachel Ray dies.
Someone please set her on fire.

THE DOG FOOD SHES PEDDLING IS CALLED.....


DRUMROLL PLEASE.


NUTRISH


Wow.
I.
Hate.
This woman.






Just so you don't commit suicide thinking about how rich this woman has become by being the most annoying person ever. hands down. please enjoy yet another picture of my niece, this time wearing pajamas with wellies.



Youre welcome.

I'll be in my office.

So whenever I don't feel like talking to someone or doing something, I'm just gonna say that.

I have an 'office' now.

Next to my bedroom.
What will a nanny do in an office you ask?
The same thing a bartender. Or a pet groomer. Or a landscaper would do in an office.
Ignore people, doodle on things with sharp pencils, write unnecessary emails, sing quietly, spin in a chair, and talk outloud about uninteresting things.
I may also read magazines, blog, take pictures of myself, and write some songs.
Speaking of, I think above the desk I don't have yet, I will frame the paper with Teen Horse Walks first song.
I will have to rig up some contraption that will be a double sided frame. Because we wrote on both side of the paper. It will be attached to the wall by a swingy hinge, so I can flip the frame back and forth to review all lyrics.
There will be a lot of pondering happening.

In that case, maybe I should say 'I'll be in my think tank'
But that is very fucky face sounding so maybe not.

So.
Onto what I really need to discuss.
Basically I think the matrix is real.
Evidence:

Why else would this woman be wearing these garments?
I don't know.
Luckily for your eyes and your genitals, what you do not see is her booty shorts.
Faux leather ones.
She had plenty of bottom butt showing.
Keep in mind this was like 2 days ago, when it was hmmmm I dunno 55 degrees tops?
Hi, you are stupid.
Please take the other pill.
Whichever one makes you go back to the pod thing.
Don't get all worked up nerds, I didn't memorize everything about that movie so just back off.
Also keep in mind I took this picture on Broadway and E4th (approximation)
Would you like to guess how many people were looking at her like she had 3 heads?
Tons.
Because that shit belongs in an S&M bar or MAYBE the East Village at the right time of night.
Guh.
Disgustahh.

Evidence number 2:

I don't know if this picture is evidence of matrix. Or evidence that I have severe severe paranoia.
But I felt like that bald sunglasses man was going to do something weird like open his briefcase and take out a future universe taser and stick it in my thigh.
God only knows what happens after that.
PS do bald guys have to wear sunglasses all the time?
It is their way of being tough without having rebel tresses?
I think so.

Anyway, I don't know what else is going on, people are just being weird and grumpy and I for one do not like it at all.

Speaking of weird and grumpy, how awful would it be to have to purchase both of these items on the same day from the drugstore?

Why are they next to eachother?
Hi, excuse me, Walgreens stock guy?.....I was just wondering, where is your shame aisle?
Because not that its your bees or anything but I have no idea who fathered my child and I'm preeeeetty sure my niece who I let move in with me is smoking crack. Either that or some super speed.
In any case... wheeeere would I get some stuff to take care of that?
Oh, good, hey look at that, right next to eachother. Two birds with one stone!

On a less suicidal note, its CMJ time in New York which I think I like.
I lub music!
Whenever people say they love music do you want to punch them in the face because I do.
Its like saying ''so I've been doing this thing its pretty good, i think the kids nowadays call it laughing. I like it."
Really?
Because everyone likes music.
Everyone likes laughing.
Everyone likes finding 20 dollars in the pants they haven't worn in like 2 weeks.
Big deal.
Last night I went to Tribeca Grand aka 12 dollar vodka soda rip off bastard bar.
The whole point was to hear some bands, in particular Lykke Li.
She was amazing.
She likes to dance a lot.
Me too!
She looks like a more interesting non-fetus version of the Olsens.



Not that you can tell, but Liv and I were kind of standing in the perfect spot.
It was fantastique.
Unfortunately there was a very very annoying girl standing behind me who I might have been capable of murdering.
She was one of those women who is quite pretty with a full lady body and non attention whore clothes, like a white button down all disheveled and proper jeans and boots with personality.
Like put together and not put together.
Like before she left her apartment she drank 4 glasses of wine and smoked a joint and is just too beyond.
TOO.
BEYOND.
Very pretentious without having to say or do much.
Call me a hater if you will, but she was so amazingly self aware and puffed up on the attention her homosexual accomplice gave her that she probably would not notice if the ceiling fell in.
I am not sure I can even get across the annoyance factor but thinking about her is making me feel a hulk out coming on.

Who is not annoying?
This person.



From here til March I predict that I will not be able to photograph a single persons face.
We are all walking around acting like its the fucking Yukon covering our nose and mouths.
Ugh I fear for January.

Oh wait, something else annoying.
Liv and I had a little dinner at Bread before going to that horseshit V party.
Please guess what we had to ASK out waiter to bring.
You got it.
Bread.
Hi, we're at Bread.
Can we get some fucking bread?
False advertising my friends.

I am over myself right now.
Negative negative.
All day.
This is not negative.

Hi new boots!
Hi kitty!
She likes my taste in footwear.
Now I just need to find a new pair of shoelaces for sassy accent appeal.
I realize in the dim dungeon lighting of my home, they may look like hooker shoes.
Bless your heart, they are certainly NOT.

Oh wait, I almost forgot, the best part of my day, I'm in the grocery with my mother buying New Jersey cigarettes (hee-eey 6.50 a pack)
and I see a People magazine issue devoted to Paul Newms.
It cost 12 dollars so like a cheap scumbag I opened it up and started taking pictures of the pictures.
Presh sesh.





Its like Paul and Joanna live inside of a rainbow in heaven and they play board games all day and dance to old timey tunes and everytime they kiss is like the fiiiiirst tiiiiiiiiime!
(in my mind i sang that with extra excitement voice on the 'first time' part)

If I don't get a Paul Newman for myself I will not die happy.
I will feel super ripped off.
I will hate on so much of the universe.
hi, hater!
Please refer to the Hi, Hater! blog expertly written by Annabelch, Classy Cholita.
Hi, Hater link also to your right.
I'm sure she will have something to say about my black black soul after this one.

Good night.

UM PS again.
How many times a day from here out will we all have to hear "ew I'm cold."
Ew so am I pal.

Fuck That Guy And Die!

No No I'm not talking about a hot bum with AIDS.

I'm talking about the guy no one loves.
Seriously no one.



Fuck You Grim Reaper.

Reaps...
I definitely give you your propers for guest starring on Family Guy sometimes.
I also think you were a great cast member of Bill and Ted's.

But seriously.
You're horrible.

(I also fell asleep watching you play chess for that soldiers life in The Seventh Seal)

Thanks for taking MomMom and PopPop. The two most angelic hilarious little Irish humans ever.
How could you take my MomMom after seeing her in those fucking ladybug leisure pants?
Her legs were maybe a total of 8 inches long which made it even more squishy cuddle lovey.
And PopPop? Only the nicest guy ever. His hair as white and soft as angel pubes.
His funny little hats and red cardigans??
Are you KIDDING?
Asshole!

Do you even have an asshole?
How do you poop?
What do you poop?
Heart valves and soul strings?
Baby teeth and pinkie toes?
You're so gross.
I am willing to bet that under the cloak is a shriv of rotty flesh and really bad acne.
Proactiv, son!

OK.
Some men who wear cloaks are foxy.
Example: I went to a D'Angelo concert a long time ago and he came out in a haze of smoke wearing a hooded floor legnth cloak.
What was under?
His sexah body cased in only black leather pants, no shirt atall.
Dreamy!
Also, I am willing to bet there are some dicklicious monks up there in the mountaintops, covering their hotness for the sake of eternal nirvana or whatever.

Not the point.
Death, you are definitely ugly.
You are like that super out of shape, block-headed, rank breathed jerkoff who makes boys cry by beating them up, and makes girls cry by yelling that they have itty bitty titties.
Yeah, I've met your type.
I've also kicked your type square in the nutsies so watch out.

Reaps better make sure that I'm struck down with something like terminal brain cancer or Lou Gehrigs because I will not go easy.
Don't fear the Reaper!!

I don't fear him.
Just fuck him.

Don't think we forgot about the Black Plague fool.

We all recall.



Did you have to take EVERYBODY?
Greedy.

You also ruin many romantic films.
Its totes classic for two people to fall in love, have tons of sex, look eachother in the eyes for hours on end, whsiper shit to eachother, and FINALLY feel like they have found joy.
Yes!
Yes!
The world is SO beautiful!
We could live like this forever!
Oh wait.
Shit.
Oh, right, now one of them is going to get amazingly ill in like point five seconds, end up panting in a hospital bed, and croak.
Then we all cry and decide that movie is too sad to watch ever again.
But then we doooo watch it again and its just as bad as the first time.
Gluttons for punishment.

It wouldn't be that bad if it was all fictional but its sadly true.
The reaps is gonna take your mom, your sibs, your best friend, your soulmate, AND your fucking dog.
And then you.

Actually, I will give you a break. There was this one time you didn't fuck up


May lightening strike me down walking on Broadway late night trying to hail a cab....

Fuck You Death.
I would murder you, but thats kind of your bag.

You're the ill dick.
(cheese)


(The only person I hate more than you is T Cruiser)

*Don't waste the hot years

My computer is useless.
I went to the apple store this morning and there were europeans with stupid glasses and sneakers without laces EVERYWHERE.
They also love stripes. On all clothing items.
And they love talking about the exchange rate and how awesome it is that our economy eats shit.
Ugh go away.

So the guy who tried to fix my stupid rotten Apple was named Bobel.
For peepsake.
He was very annoying and had to erase every single thing in my computer to get it working at all.
I decided that I hate everything and I'm glad I have almost nothing.
Poor people are free people.
I am just trying to talk myself out of the fact that I am an ignorant selfish consumer just like the rest of modern society.
The altitude up here on my high horse is making it hard to breathe.
i have asthma.

I have a super super long day of work and I have a rotten soul right now.
I think its from traveling this weekend.
Going to Atlanta, which is a place I happen to not like much, and getting delayed at the airport yesterday for awhile has made me a fucking monster today.
I only comprehend two types of people:
assholes and people from New York/New Jersey.
Usually if you are from here you are also an asshole so it works out really well for me.
People in Atlanta do EVERYTHING at half speed.
Thinking.
Eating.
Talking.
Walking.

They also have the most disgusting food I have ever eaten.
Bad mexican, no delis, no SELTZER. What?? Not kidding. They dont HAVE seltzer. My mom and I realized its because theres no jews there. It all makes sense now.
The only thing they do right is fried chicken.
Period.

Aside from my family, which is obviously awesome, there is not much I like about the entire region. Being judgemental is shitty but give me a break already. There are some places i just don't belong.
Hateblog!

One day in the fututre I will stop talking shit and just put up pictures of all these things, which is the only reason people look at blogs in the first place.

On a more fantastic note, i watched the end of The Outsiders yesterday with my sister.
How much hot bitch boyman action can you stuff into 90 minutes?
The answer.
Tons.
Personally I have a soft spot for Dally.
He wears a shirt for about ten whole minutes of the movie and says things that are meant to be deep but come out hilarious.
"Do it for Johnny!"
Wipe away a tear, smoke a cigarrette and punch something! Yeah!
Fucking soches.

As I've said many times, I hate Tom Cruise and i want him to die.
Thank god hes only in it for a few scenes.
Also Ralph Maccio is absolutely horrible looking.
Aside from them, I wish I found a magic lamp with a genie in it and I would say my first wish would be take me to a universe where teenage Matt Dillon and Rob Lowe get into fights and them i get to make out with them behind a dumpster somewhere.
Then Patrick Swayze gives us hugs and tells us not to worry because as long as we stick together they'll never take us down.
Then I would carve a heart and DIE SOCH in a tree with my switch blade.







*blog title courtesy of Bianca.