First of all, I use my neti pot twice a day. Is that excessive? Could it totally backfire? I don't think so but then again I didn't think anything would happen when I became addicted to nasal spray either. I really think I have some obsession with shooting things up my nose. You can take that however you want, if you want to go the illegal white powdery drug way, fine. Whatever. No one is immune to that shit, its like if you could combine the sensation of eating 48 sour patch kids while watching a laser light show sitting on a vibrating chair after drinking 5 cups of coffee and laughing until you could not breathe. All at once. Then maybe add in getting slapped on the ass unexpectedly. Aside from that, I love the idea of IMPROVING my sinuses. They have been so so awful for so many years. Maybe saline will be the solution. A saline solution! Oh my god I'm the best.
Next thing. My two favorite actresses. Both named Kate. (Winslet and Blanchett) Lets talk about Winslet. She is starring in the film version of one of my favorite books, The Reader. Its basically Lolita flipped around. A cold hearted older woman starts a fucky fuck on the down low relash with a teenage boy. The best part is, about halfway thru the novel you find out she has....drumroll...a SECRET! I. Love. Secrets. Its really good, I advise you pick it up. You could actually borrow it from me if you have a good book to trade. Yay trades! Anyway, Katie Wins (we are friends in my mind) looks like my lesbian dream these days. I bet she smells amazingly comforting, like body sweat plus something floral plus a gentle breath mint. She is such a killer.
This woman is proof that I should definitely continue drawing in my eyebrows a lil bit too dark. And that I don't really have to get any thinner. And that being a teensy bit masculine is absurdly hot. Unless you are Madonna, in that case it is just terrifying.
Other things. Last night at the Powerhouse Book holiday party. I spent at least 30 minutes getting hit on by the security guard. Do you understand. In a huge space filled with authors, photographers, editors, etc. I get hit on by the 40 year old ex Navy guy whos working the door. He tried to pick me up by asking if I was on my way to grandmas house. Why? Because I was wearing a plaid wool coat and boots with red laces. Apparently I looked young and molestable. Anyway, how weird that Katie picked up a book and it was the Nerve book. Liv and Sam have both shot for them and looky here! One of Sams photos of Stephanie Portoooooooo! Mhm.
Later night things.
1. It is really hard to get a cab in windy ass Dumbo.
2. I love Raf and Chiara.
Sidenote: Raf was at the bar getting a beer and Chiara and I are wondering, who's that weird guy hes talking to? What are they talking about? Chiara says Oh actually I think that's Bill Murray's son. Um ok. Long story short, it is in fact Young Murray. He wears all black and is funny looking and left with a girl who definitely looked like she has a penis and testicles. The End!
I like how everytime I see Raf I call him a mulatto. Part of me knows full well hes a god damn Puerto Rican. I doubt he thinks its all that funny but he also doesn't seem to mind.
Fact: There is no worse time to have your photo taken than when you are eating a piece of pizza.
Fact: There was a pool shark at Max Fish last night. Fact number 3: After challenging Raf to a drinking contest, I got one drink at above pictured bar, and walked home. I am quickly becoming a total faggette.
I'm basically on bit of a downward spiral into the oblivion right now.
Its bizarre and cynical and almost repugnant.
I hate pretty much everything including ..... ME!
Well I don't hate my girlfriends they are the true saving grace. (TallyDeadDead counts as one of my girlfriends despite that pesky penis he is packing)
Here are some boring stories for you to read about what I did this weekend. My whole life is now one slightly lame weekend by the way.
Halloween, yet another holiday I do not like. Before the mane effect.
And after.
Tresses are still in recovery. Not happy about hairspray. I am not a product person. Hi, I wash my face with generic liquid soap. Low maints.
Stephanie and Liv looked amazing, as Palin and a Robert Palmer girl, respectively.
I missed out on taking a picture of D, who was a Cool Breeze. She had wind chimes hanging from her sleeve, and a very non peaceful mini fan to create the actual wind effect. And she wore blue. And some glitter. It was one of those situations where the theory of the costume and the end result were not in tune completely. I have been in that boat, pretty much everytime I look in the mirror. I'm like hm I want a "90s Liv Tyler turned biker chic look" but I think I'm just creating a "bisexual preteen who plans on attending art school in the future" look. I Digress... I will say; D can do no wrong in my book because she is one of the great women of this rotten hellhole city. So she could be a toilet for Halloween and i would have thought it charming. Anyway I would talk about how we went to this party and it was crazy and fun and the free tequila kept me in reverie but I would be lying and I hate lying. I was a total sourpuss. But there was this huge horse thing, that was neat.
The four trillion people there were mostly dressed as dead versions of things, which is cute and fun I guess. Anyway I was a total faggot and ended up walking home around 1am. Down Canal Street. Alone. Worst idea ever. No offense to the great state I grew up in, but the streets were infected with horrendous bridge and tunnel boys yelling to me about being a sad lion and going "Rarrrrr!" Every car that drove by me and honked was either blaring TI (white men love him) or 103.5 KTU. Oh, KTU. You still have La Bouche on heavy rotation. Very. Unfortunate.
Also unfortunate. Bad movies. Pam and I rented The Invasion. This was the only good part. Bloody things and Nicole Kidman and a very weird child actor and alien spores and a lot of vomit. And Daniel Craig. Naturally. So yeah, movies in my apartment. Soon as Pam left I started to paint walls and furniture in my office. Then I took a partial wall down. Around midnight. Then I tried to clean out the fireplace. I am not kidding about any of these things. I am a total mess of a person currently.
To try to end my weirdo "I don't leave the house for more than 5 minutes" phase, I met D in that nightmare of a place they call Brooknah to go celebrate Day of the Dead. We drank margaritas for a few hours and were kindly pestered by this old Panamanian man. *note the wacky accordian player in the backround. Ill mariachi/jewish wedding/greek party/irish war song/latin dance off/johnny cash cover tunes. I swear to god they actually played all of those things.
Anyway, pepaw kept taking out money from his shirt pocket, and we kept accepting the drinks. I tried to get deep on him so I could destroy my negative vibes. I asked if he had any advice on being happy. He told me he doesn't know. That he married a Puerto Rican girl once and he loved her but thats all over now. He said he makes a lot of money and he's "super single" and likes to dance. All of this was said in nearly impossible to comprehend Spanglish. Who taught him the phrase super single" I have no clue. After awhile he got mad at me for not paying enough attention to him and he left. Denise didn't get marauded by Old Panama nearly as much as I did, but she had a very homely buzz cut lesbian trying to kick game to her for awhile.
Shrug it out
The shrines in this bar were basically hot to death.
Then Soner and Gary came and we had to switch locations because thats what you do when you're drinking I guess. You keep moving so you don't forget. It's like when your freezing to death in the woods. You had better not sit down to "take a little nap" because you will definitely die in your sleep. Hypothermia and social drinking? Yes I do see a connection. Fuck off.
Where do you go in BK when you don't know what to do. The dreaded Union Pool. That is the only answer. Denise had the bright idea of moving to Tequila Sunrises. They tasted exactly like hard candy. Soner looks like a walking advertisement for Williamsburg. If that sounds mean, its not supposed to be. I make that mistake, sounding like a horrible bitch when I'm just making an observation.
I am tired of this story about Brooknah.
Point is, I made it out there. So yeah, maybe I'll be back again in like 6 months. Sigh.
Today I saw B, who I've felt two emotions about since she left for her road trip so many moons ago... 1. I've missed her! 2. I've been annoyed that she has no idea what to do with her life and is slightly bummed about it some days. I have concluded that I find this annoying because I refuse to admit I am feeling the EXACT same way about my own sitch. When will the pieces come together, thats what I wanna know.
Anyway we chatted lots and went for a walk to 99 cent BJ *hollerrrrrrr best dollar store in the area*
Heres a taste of the exquisite merchandise
hey baby I like how when i look at your boobs I think of a cartoon for 5 year olds
superb packaging aesthetic
these are puffy plastic sleeves. you put on. when you're cleaning. as to not get your real sleeves dirty. anyone who can tell me WHY that phrase is on the package wins me. as a slave. for life.
two of everything thats what I always say.
B is Corey Haim
I wrote and rewrote about 5 things about this picture. I don't think any of them said what i want so I leave that to you.
We purchased nothing.
Walked to the pharmacy for allergy pills. Saw Teen Spirit in the deoderant aisle.
I ended up inhaling a stick of men's Right Guard for about ten minutes. I considered buying it and taking it home to put somewhere along with other things I'm ashamed of. I was thinking maybe I would take it out and smell it once in awhile. That's how much I love the stink of a man! If that makes me sound like a complete lunatic, I will be that.
On final note.
I will be visiting this very creepy website daily, which has almost the same domain name as B's. If you have a vagina, too much spare time, and a sad sad existence, please also visit here to dress up baby emo dolls/manga tweens in corsets and tiny top hats. I am absolutely serious.
Heres me and Biancas I can't wait til all of you assholes are sitting at work, gripped by the desire to create these ridiculous things.
Ask me. Are you still sick? Lil bit, lil bit. Still having sinus dramatics, endless headache, etcetera. BUT. Good news hip hoppers. I found super penicillin mega cure in a drawer in my room. Oh, old prescriptions, how you shine light in the darkness.
So I've been in the CaveShip (the GypsyDen becomes the CaveShip starting in October, and sorta transitions into the DeadLogCabin by winter) I've been watching many movies, mostly with a certain someone who falls asleep before the opening credits have been completed. (its more cute/endearing then it sounds)
The most amazing re-discovery was this:
A) Mark Dubs is so gross in this movie. He whispers everything for the first hour, then starts the screaming so we all know hes a murderous freak. B) the above statement does not take away from the fact that he is a total piece of foxtail and I would hit it. BUT, I would probably be annoyed that he is sort of prettier than me and I would def make him wear a muzzle. His "lemme sweet talk you, guuurl" voice is horrifying. C) 1996 was a great year for music fashion and cheeseballness. D) this movie is way up there on the list of things I could watch weekly and conitnue to sweat a little bit. E) the fingering on the roller coaster scene? Totes classic. And weird. Hey, remember when we were 16??? It was so awesomely bad! Miss you, 16!
Also, I tried to watch Tropic of Thunder but ended up switching to this:
Some things about it were funny, such as the premise??? Also the cast is pretty dreamy. I don't recommend this movie unless you are under the influence of something, or you're really really open in terms of free time. But I will watch anything where Will Arnett makes an appearance, so there you go. I wish I could be the baby inside Amy Poehlers belly so I could spend my life with the two of them. But, the problem with that is, I want to make sweet love to Will Arnett. Can't really do that when you're literally his baby. So no. I maybe want to just die and be the ghost that haunts their house. Just watch them be funny and cute all day. Or the simplest thing we be if I just saw them eating dinner one day and was sitting at the table next t them and they were like "Hey that girl seems as UNBELIEVABLY amusing as we are, she should join us!" Then I would, and it would be hours and hours of pure golden laughter, then Poehls would be like "Hey, you know, I have a great idea. Would you mind making out with my husband for a few hours, I have to return some tapes. Theeeinks!" Then I would. It would be perfect!
Don't front I belong right there with them. Yes, i really do.
It's the Final Countdown.
I also watched Monster yesterday which is CRAZY because today is the anniversary of Aileen Wuournos being put to death. No I am not kidding, yes I am a psychic and totally in tune with the cosmos. Big deal.
I have hardly set foot in the streets this week, so right after this I think I have to go on a very long bike ride to cure myself. I need to breathe air that I don't share with my cats. They are really cramping my personal space right now.
Newsflash:
1. This guy is one of the tellers at the Chase bank nearby. His name tag says Jacky Chan. I like that a lot.
2. Jeylanjim and I have been doing this for awhile and are always too drunk to photograph it. Its our hair twisted together and its called Dark Chocolate and Butterscotch. Its very gay and you're also jealous. You should be.
3. Lil Frankies is maybe the only place I've been out socially in weeks. That is weird to me. J has been in rare form. Those pictures were taken about 30 seconds apart. Wow your state of existence is so quickly altered. Good times all around. Its kind of a mixture between weirdest thing ever and most awesome thing ever to hang out with "co-workers" at your "bosses" bar. I feel like I live in a sitcom. That would obviously have to air on FX or something. Throw this one if for good measure: This nutbag made me a Grey Goose and soda when I asked for a Stoli and soda. When I told her I'm allergic to Grey Goose because its made from a different kind of wheat, she laughed in my face and basically told me to shut up and drink it. OK then barkeep, thanks for the concern. You get a pass simply for being awesome, no other reason. That and the free booze. xo!
I have to go ride my bike right this second. Goodbye for now blog.
Thinking back on my final days in the first quarter of my life, I am quite depressed. I haven't done much in the way of leaving my apartment since Friday to be honest. I smell a little bit like maple syrup, but its better than the smell of Chinatown in early September. In case you're not hip to it, it smells like farm animal vagina. Plus hot garbage. Plus corpse.
Anyway, My birthday party was a success in one way and one way only. My friends. They are amazing. They pooled together and bought me a beautiful little painting of what else, horses. Its pretty dreamy. I also received a few beautiful tenderly transported plants from B, cookies and wine, a hand woven top from Mexico, luxurious chocolates, and a keg of beer. I would rather not discuss how the evening ended after 20 shots of tequila (all clearly tallied on the Tequila Terrorist Wall) but it wasn't good. I slept essentially on the floor, and my last thoughts were, 1. why am I eating cuban bread at 6 am? and 2. how am I going to change? There is something I really want to change, its going to take time but I think I can do it. Namely, i have to stop looking to others for redemption. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a creature of habit. I'm one of those people who you see in the back of the bus hitting themself on the side of the head mumbling. I really really don't have a whole lot of confidence in my ability to be "the best I can be." So typically I find myself making sad sad phone calls around 5am essentially asking for answers. Such as: Why me? Why not me? Am I a bad person? etc etc.
Gross!
That is all more than I wanted to share, but after 3 days in bed I think it's time to wake up and smell the hot garbage, for real though.
Here is a recap of the final days. The final days of the "early twenties" I am now in my "late twenties" which gives me a shiver down my spine and a tickled gag reflex. When I reread that I saw it as Egg Reflex which I think I will use from now to describe when chicks can't wait any longer to get preggie. Hey pal don't blame me, its just my egg reflex. No doubt.
This is a window display on the upper east side that makes me think of the past and the future at the exact same time. Its so good and so bad. Its just a total mess and a dream. Sometimes I look at it and I think my brain will explode then the wave of calm rises and I say internally, "I wish I was a mannequin in a bathtub for eternity." Then I pray that I never say that out loud by accident.
Location for precious kitten adoption: 71st and 2nd.... Don't sleep on this. If you want a cat go get one, they are cuter than a 16 year old boy trying to grow a mustache.
Cheddar Melt.
* I literally just told Stephanie that we are all on the boat in the seas of discontent. That is in fact how we talk to eachother.
Anyway, kitten day was Wednesday, and Wednesday night our friends Delta Spirit were in town to perform on Conan O Brien. They are very nice boys, that is how you know they are not from New York. You can also tell they are not from New York because they enjoy smiling.
Here is the link to their performance, too bad embedding was disabled but if you care you should click on it
Actually, before we went to say hello to the boys, we went to Good World for some reason and watched Bogdan eat the largest pile of mashed potatoes in history. Drinks are getting very expensive, more than I can handle, so any bar where you know someone...thats the destination. Do not front, because Good World may be cheesy but nothing is ever too cheesy to go drink at a discount.
Things get fuzzy after the potato pile.
Then I start doing shit like this outside of Hi Fi. (Which, by the way, had strictly male patrons that night. The testosterone mixed with casual boredom and pool table talk was absolutely unreal.)
This is what Jon and Sam look like when I tell them to think of kittens.
This is just about the last moment I remember.
Maybe 20 minutes later I went into sleuth mode, never to reappear. Of course, being the retard I am, I covered my unfinished cocktail with my wallet so no one would drink it. Then I told Sam I was going out for a cigarette and got into a cab alone. For no reason. This is why I am a total creep. Also an idiot. Who wants to deal with that? I'll tell you, in due time, no one.
Wait, I also recall seeing this guy: Here is TallJake. If you want to feel like you are having the worst de ja vu of your life, scroll down to one of the pictures of TallJon, his spot-on doppleganger. Universe collisions. Less unsettling than you would think.
This story sucks. Thursday Bianca got here and I have missed her. She has been driving cross country, buying vintage clothes to sell on ebay, which sounds super fun but apparently is hard? I get it, because I think I have sold about 2 things on ebay and it was a nightmare. Tons of time spent.
Of course we had to go do karaoke because what else would we do. I would like to say that I am really good at singing Nothing Compares 2 U and really bad at singing Easy Lover. I think I sang at least 3 Genesis songs. It was kind of a dad fest.
So this place we went to on 17th is amazing because there is a wall phone in the private rooms where you pick up and say "Please bring me a vodka soda with two lemons and a little cup of ice, thanks." Yeah and two seconds later here comes a really happy asian with just what you asked for.
The videos are so beautifully early 90210-esque.
The video for Heart 'Magic Man' was a total babefest.
Speaking of babefest, Chevy Chase anyone?? I am not even partially kidding.
This video makes no sense. Big Chev is maybe 9 feet tall. That would make Paul Simon about 3 and a half feet tall. Tops.
Also a great one. We all wanna be big big stars.
Thursday went along not that well post karaoke, Bianca and I did a lot of aimless wandering where we ran into people I didn't want to see and had no idea where we should get a drink. Yes, this in a place where there are about 4 trillion bars. Manhattan becomes very unsatisfying for me once in awhile so i just want to lay in my bed and watch internet television. And eat takeout. And after I eat takeout I look for things in my freezer like snicker ice cream bars and zucchini pancakes. Then I drink about a liter of grape juice and sleep for a minimum of 10 hours. Then that phase ends and i stop hating the Lower East Side and I rsvp to everything and anything and drag my friends around like a crackhead trying to smoke up every rock of life in sight. All or nothing maybe.
That being said, Bianca being with me during this time of dodo-ness was the best thing in the world. She has been through a lot of confusion and soul searching, and fuck you if you think thats funny. Its not. The people that are most inspiring are the ones that love you when you're not fun, when you're extremely flustered for no reason and panicking because you tried to make scrambled eggs and got yolk on the floor.
On with it.
Happy Birthday Baby.
Forefront: Raffi. Backround: Ball Breath.
Olivia Malones Thumb showed up, thank god.
Alex bought me a keychain of a silver lobster that says I Love New York. Makes sense to me. Please See TallJon to the left and refer back to TallJake. They are in no way related. Wrap your brain around that.
Here is Denise laughing at WeinerDog, further proof that Denise will laugh at anything.
If there was an island where all people do is tell stories about shit that recently happened to them, Stephanie would be the unequivocal mayor of said island.
Lil Way-ner. (like weiner. Anyone? Anyone?)
Your name is Butch. Why do you look like you're crying? Butches don't cry. Not even if they get kicked off the football team or only catch one trout on the fishing trip.
Then this happened. Berel you are the weirdest manchild I know. Katie is just someone I have no comment about. I think her name should be legally changed to Whoops.
*All jokes at the expense of friends are innocently posed.
Supposedly Alex was soon after mauled by the WWF version of my birthday self.
Sam was very very sober and looked like a porcelain doll from heaven.
Jiwonji appears for fairly short intervals then I say, Hey where is Jiwon? Not where I last saw her. Sounds like someone. me.
Bianca passed out from too much cheap vodka and some benadryl I forced her to take for sneezing all fucking day. Jeylan came home from work and wanted to kill whoever it was playing with my punching bag at 3 am. Some teenage chicks appeared and that was the weirdest thing ever. One of them looked like Suri Cruise, which Stephanie kindly pointed out right to her face. The after hours arrivals are always the fucking weirdos that you're not even tight with, they just wander in all noisy and brazen, usually with nothing to drink or one shoe on. Some bullshit like that. All in all, things ended quite horribly and once again there are tags on my walls and the smell of beer lingers. That may also be because the keg is still in the living room half full.
But all clouds have a silver lining. My silver lining arrived the following day, roundabout lunchtime, when I entered my room where Bianca and Sterp and Lucy had slept. This is almost enough to force me to go on:
