Martha Stewart Living on the edge

Re: title of this blog, I'm REALLY good at Wheel of Fortune 'Before and After' puzzles.
Constructing them and solving them.
Just another thing I'm good at that will never get me ahead in life.
Big Whoop.

OK.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS, THE MAN WHO SPEAKS TO MY SOUL EVERY DAY, MY HEART, MY TALL ONE, MY ITTLE JARN DOLL, MY DEAD DEAD.
I love you Jon Walter, you are 26 and alive as anyone could ever be.
Jon's self portrait



Sew.
I've been neglecting my blog obviously.
I want to be witty and talkative but I feel like I just can't.
I think being unemployed has made me less of a person.
The last week and a half has been brunches, beer, east village, LES, chinatown, puppets, happy hour, bikes, girls, boys, and ridiculously unstable weather conditions.
I also read a couple magazines, watched a lot of dvds, did extensive research on future film releases/trailers, and found out the following:
If I leave my windows open at night, my cats shriek absurdly loud at the strays in the courtyard.
At 5am.
Its.
Terrifying.

For now, here are some photographic memories.


Russians and pudgy Latinas def have the shitty shoe market on lock.


this ad gave me a boner everytime I saw it in the subway.
I watched an episode on youtube.
Was it exactly what I expected and wanted?
YES.
PS I watched it with a nine year old boy and it led to this kind of behaviour:



Had a night out on the sidewalk in the EVil with these weirdos.
Me and Jess talked about how the water in Jersey makes the bagels better.
Will shouted "ZOE!" at every woman that passed by.
They sort of act like a creepy married couple that everyone is scared to do dinner with. Except they aren't married. Or dating. Or attracted to eachother. NBW.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.


These two were being funny I think.
Liv is doing 'story hands'


We wound up at a hookah bar full of creepy Armenians.
Speakers blasting Cece Peniston.
Erman is Armenian but was completely out of his element.
We candle read his tattoos.

That was the first night of ill weather.
I got my butt grabbed by an old dirty lesbian dopehead.
I got epic blisters from wearing wedge heels for the first time this season.
Hiyme drank 48 Red Bulls.
It was such a good memory.
All of it.

***I JUST TOOK A 20 MINUTE BREAK FROM THIS BLOG TO SEND RESUMES. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB. THANK YOU KINDLY.***

Ok, I'm back.
Oh yeah, I went to a spa upstate with Nan, that was really relaxing and extremely boring.
My mom is so awesome because we go places together and do nothing really and have a great time.
The fullbody Swedish massages were godly.

No one ever cares about what other people vacations look like, so I'll make this short...


I'm always a little sad to say goodbye to New York
Even for just a few days.


As soon as we got to this place we immediately put on robes and spa-ed the fuck out.
When I say immediately I mean it.
Ps does anything smell better than a good spa room?
No.
Is the answer.


This sign expresses exactly the vibe at the Mohonk Mountain House.
QUIET PLEASE.
There were no tvs.
No bars so to speak.
Quaker balling.


My moms gear is always 1. sparkly 2. colorful 3. teenager-like








Water Therapy




Not planned.
I was ecstatic about this.
Nan on the other hand, not so much.
The room was unusually hot.
That is not a bad joke, its just an ironic truth.


Went shopping in a hippie town nearby, and when we returned to the mountain house it snowed.
So. Lame.
It was 4/20 by the way and here are two things that will illustrate how New Paltz, NY gets down:

advertisement for the local entertainment


novelty stoner item sadly discarded.

OK I'm over taking about the spa, I liked it, it was sleepy, my mom kicks your moms ass.
Non-literally speaking.
My mom wouldn't fight your mom, shes a peacemaker.

Moving on.


Sour Rocker


Babyface Bowman


Sean Connery's grandson, Steven James.

Its been getting hot so we are all doing this stuff:


Amazing brunch season.
LOOK AT THOSE PANCAKES.


Riding bikes past shitty yet epic graf downtown with my main girl.
(this photo dedicated to said main girl Jeylan, I really might not be able to smile without you. Pause)

Ride to a BBQ.


rooftops.


gnome offerings.


people who have their shit together live in this fashion.


Oh hai.


Sometimes I think Stephanie looks like someone who should be an agent for really obnoxious young actors.


Please note Wyatts hangover face. It is perfect.
PS the olive oil looks like Jagermeister.
Why are people in marketing so fucking retarded?


I look like I design bongs but I really design Prada sunglasses.
I also have the most infectious laugh known to man.
Also my name is Brock.
Win.

Sitting outside at bars is always a good look in the hot ass evening.


Is it just me or is this fucking cute?




My bike is suitable for anyone really.
25 year old girls with short legs.
Grown men.
Whatever.


Hey gurl.


ConRAD attempting to take his name to a very literal level.

Sunbathing in Bushwick with Marion healed all pain.








Saw this baller from the J train stairwell.
He inspired me with color.

Also inspiring.
Boxing Jew puppetry.







Is anyone tired of this blog post yet?
I am.
Truly.

This has gone on too long and my fingers hurt.

Thats what he said.

ZING!

Bonedigger Bonedigger Dogs in the Moonlight

Thinking back on my final days in the first quarter of my life, I am quite depressed. I haven't done much in the way of leaving my apartment since Friday to be honest.
I smell a little bit like maple syrup, but its better than the smell of Chinatown in early September. In case you're not hip to it, it smells like farm animal vagina.
Plus hot garbage.
Plus corpse.

Anyway, My birthday party was a success in one way and one way only.
My friends.
They are amazing.
They pooled together and bought me a beautiful little painting of what else, horses.
Its pretty dreamy.
I also received a few beautiful tenderly transported plants from B, cookies and wine, a hand woven top from Mexico, luxurious chocolates, and a keg of beer.
I would rather not discuss how the evening ended after 20 shots of tequila (all clearly tallied on the Tequila Terrorist Wall)
but it wasn't good.
I slept essentially on the floor, and my last thoughts were, 1. why am I eating cuban bread at 6 am? and 2. how am I going to change?
There is something I really want to change, its going to take time but I think I can do it.
Namely, i have to stop looking to others for redemption.
I'm not a bad person, I'm just a creature of habit.
I'm one of those people who you see in the back of the bus hitting themself on the side of the head mumbling. I really really don't have a whole lot of confidence in my ability to be "the best I can be."
So typically I find myself making sad sad phone calls around 5am essentially asking for answers.
Such as:
Why me?
Why not me?
Am I a bad person?
etc etc.

Gross!

That is all more than I wanted to share, but after 3 days in bed I think it's time to wake up and smell the hot garbage, for real though.

Here is a recap of the final days.
The final days of the "early twenties"
I am now in my "late twenties" which gives me a shiver down my spine and a tickled gag reflex.
When I reread that I saw it as Egg Reflex which I think I will use from now to describe when chicks can't wait any longer to get preggie.
Hey pal don't blame me, its just my egg reflex.
No doubt.


This is a window display on the upper east side that makes me think of the past and the future at the exact same time.
Its so good and so bad.
Its just a total mess and a dream.
Sometimes I look at it and I think my brain will explode then the wave of calm rises and I say internally, "I wish I was a mannequin in a bathtub for eternity."
Then I pray that I never say that out loud by accident.


Location for precious kitten adoption: 71st and 2nd....
Don't sleep on this.
If you want a cat go get one, they are cuter than a 16 year old boy trying to grow a mustache.


Cheddar Melt.

* I literally just told Stephanie that we are all on the boat in the seas of discontent.
That is in fact how we talk to eachother.


Anyway, kitten day was Wednesday, and Wednesday night our friends Delta Spirit were in town to perform on Conan O Brien.
They are very nice boys, that is how you know they are not from New York.
You can also tell they are not from New York because they enjoy smiling.

Here is the link to their performance, too bad embedding was disabled but if you care you should click on it

Great Job!

Actually, before we went to say hello to the boys, we went to Good World for some reason and watched Bogdan eat the largest pile of mashed potatoes in history.

Drinks are getting very expensive, more than I can handle, so any bar where you know someone...thats the destination.
Do not front, because Good World may be cheesy but nothing is ever too cheesy to go drink at a discount.

Things get fuzzy after the potato pile.

Then I start doing shit like this outside of Hi Fi.
(Which, by the way, had strictly male patrons that night.
The testosterone mixed with casual boredom and pool table talk was absolutely unreal.)




This is what Jon and Sam look like when I tell them to think of kittens.


This is just about the last moment I remember.

Maybe 20 minutes later I went into sleuth mode, never to reappear.
Of course, being the retard I am, I covered my unfinished cocktail with my wallet so no one would drink it.
Then I told Sam I was going out for a cigarette and got into a cab alone.
For no reason.
This is why I am a total creep.
Also an idiot.
Who wants to deal with that?
I'll tell you, in due time, no one.

Wait, I also recall seeing this guy:

Here is TallJake.
If you want to feel like you are having the worst de ja vu of your life, scroll down to one of the pictures of TallJon, his spot-on doppleganger.
Universe collisions. Less unsettling than you would think.

This story sucks.
Thursday Bianca got here and I have missed her.
She has been driving cross country, buying vintage clothes to sell on ebay, which sounds super fun but apparently is hard?
I get it, because I think I have sold about 2 things on ebay and it was a nightmare.
Tons of time spent.

Of course we had to go do karaoke because what else would we do.
I would like to say that I am really good at singing Nothing Compares 2 U and really bad at singing Easy Lover.
I think I sang at least 3 Genesis songs.
It was kind of a dad fest.

So this place we went to on 17th is amazing because there is a wall phone in the private rooms where you pick up and say "Please bring me a vodka soda with two lemons and a little cup of ice, thanks."
Yeah and two seconds later here comes a really happy asian with just what you asked for.



The videos are so beautifully early 90210-esque.


The video for Heart 'Magic Man' was a total babefest.


Speaking of babefest, Chevy Chase anyone??
I am not even partially kidding.


This video makes no sense.
Big Chev is maybe 9 feet tall.
That would make Paul Simon about 3 and a half feet tall.
Tops.


Also a great one.
We all wanna be big big stars.



Thursday went along not that well post karaoke, Bianca and I did a lot of aimless wandering where we ran into people I didn't want to see and had no idea where we should get a drink.
Yes, this in a place where there are about 4 trillion bars.
Manhattan becomes very unsatisfying for me once in awhile so i just want to lay in my bed and watch internet television.
And eat takeout.
And after I eat takeout I look for things in my freezer like snicker ice cream bars and zucchini pancakes.
Then I drink about a liter of grape juice and sleep for a minimum of 10 hours.
Then that phase ends and i stop hating the Lower East Side and I rsvp to everything and anything and drag my friends around like a crackhead trying to smoke up every rock of life in sight.
All or nothing maybe.

That being said, Bianca being with me during this time of dodo-ness was the best thing in the world.
She has been through a lot of confusion and soul searching, and fuck you if you think thats funny.
Its not.
The people that are most inspiring are the ones that love you when you're not fun, when you're extremely flustered for no reason and panicking because you tried to make scrambled eggs and got yolk on the floor.

On with it.

Happy Birthday Baby.


Forefront: Raffi.
Backround: Ball Breath.


Olivia Malones Thumb showed up, thank god.


Alex bought me a keychain of a silver lobster that says I Love New York.
Makes sense to me.
Please See TallJon to the left and refer back to TallJake.
They are in no way related.
Wrap your brain around that.


Here is Denise laughing at WeinerDog, further proof that Denise will laugh at anything.


If there was an island where all people do is tell stories about shit that recently happened to them, Stephanie would be the unequivocal mayor of said island.


Lil Way-ner.
(like weiner. Anyone? Anyone?)


Your name is Butch.
Why do you look like you're crying?
Butches don't cry.
Not even if they get kicked off the football team or only catch one trout on the fishing trip.





Then this happened.
Berel you are the weirdest manchild I know.
Katie is just someone I have no comment about.
I think her name should be legally changed to Whoops.

*All jokes at the expense of friends are innocently posed.


Supposedly Alex was soon after mauled by the WWF version of my birthday self.


Sam was very very sober and looked like a porcelain doll from heaven.


Jiwonji appears for fairly short intervals then I say, Hey where is Jiwon?
Not where I last saw her.
Sounds like someone.
me.

Bianca passed out from too much cheap vodka and some benadryl I forced her to take for sneezing all fucking day.
Jeylan came home from work and wanted to kill whoever it was playing with my punching bag at 3 am.
Some teenage chicks appeared and that was the weirdest thing ever.
One of them looked like Suri Cruise, which Stephanie kindly pointed out right to her face.
The after hours arrivals are always the fucking weirdos that you're not even tight with, they just wander in all noisy and brazen, usually with nothing to drink or one shoe on. Some bullshit like that.
All in all, things ended quite horribly and once again there are tags on my walls and the smell of beer lingers.
That may also be because the keg is still in the living room half full.

But all clouds have a silver lining.
My silver lining arrived the following day, roundabout lunchtime, when I entered my room where Bianca and Sterp and Lucy had slept.
This is almost enough to force me to go on:





Its totally Sir Didymus and Ambrosious.


All of my love.

Except to you, you know who you are, fuck off.

xoxo!