And then I took my shirt off! What!?!?

My plan over the holidays was to make some kind of year in review with photos then I realized it would be a lot of work so its just gonna have to wait until one of those days where I'm sitting at my desk drinking a beer staring up the fireplace yelling at my cats whatever it is I do when I'm just out of ideas. I have been off of work for too long, nearly two weeks. I am losing my fiyah.
This New Years was by far the most low key I've ever seen, and on a truly grand scale.
Little parties in Brooklyn. Cover charges at bars no one wanted to pay. Stupid gatherings that looked alright on paper and turned out to be a total waste of cab fare getting over. Five of my dear friends were/are out of the country therefor no good to me so to speak.
Actually six friends out of the country now that I calculate correctly. No smooch at midnight. The Uj.
This is quickly spiraling into a sob story blog so I think I should just stop.

Wonder what these two did for NYE. Party hard? No doubt.


Jameson and makeup.
A girl must plan for adventure whether or not it ever actually surfaces.

Then I guess I dropped a snake in her pants.
That joke originated in the non sexual realm of my brain.


Me Sam and Jijo hit the streets.
Chinatown looks so glamorous.
And smells so glamorous.
I think glamour probably smells like lotion made of gold dust diamonds and tiger pee.


Peace 2008.
You've been lame!


This explains the party we were at when the ball dropped.
My balls dropped.
It stunk.


Went searching for Turkish Delight over on her block, but she was watching movies and drinking wine.
I think that, coupled with an empty bar at Lil F explains exactly how fucking twilight zone the last night of 08 was.
Geigh.
Very geigh.
Plus the bruschetta was totally not on point.
What?
It hurts to even say it but it is true.

This is the point where we gave up the search for the partytimes and got cake and pie and cookies and went dungeon apartment status.
Best idea ever?
Sure.

If you wanna know how cold it was between Dumbo and the LES, it was about this cold:

Eyyo Linus!

Back in Manahatta things were looking up a little, but not until we found these masks, thanks Liv and Hiyme for having creepy shit in your house.



If there are albino babies in hell, they look like this.
They also must have done something really bad because what kind of baby gets banished to hell?
This is a question I do not want to know the answer to.
Maybe its a rapin baby.
To quote a disgusting conversation I took part in the other day; maybe the scenario is that the baby killed a kitten and then used the kittens paw to molester someones crotch.
Imagine that!


The Twin Peaks DVD makes it that much creepier.


Surprise surprise look who takes it to another level.
Me and Sam did some nudie/stockings photos because what better way to start a year than with sexytime weirdo fetish fun?
Jijo watched Fear, the classic film detailing the love affair of a psychotic Wahlberg and a appleheaded Witherspoon mid 1990s.
Say hello to ya motha for me!


After that, me and Joaquin mainlined alcohol for a few hours and played chess against eachother in a giant bathtub filled with koi fish.
The whole thing was inspired by his hairdo.
Obv.

Barrettes for men. New shit.

Just kidding, the WaKeeeeen sitch only happened in my mind.
I like how I had to say just kidding like it was at all plausible.



But seriously look at this picture and tell me WahKeeeynuh wouldn't love to do shit like this together?
I wish I could see him in tights with his bloated flesh hanging over the waistband.
Ugh so amazing.
Glitter everywhere.

I should prob photo cred Sammy for all the radical shots she took/takes on a daily basis.
Her flickr is a good place to go see T&A in an artsy way.
That rhymes!
Hire me!

I imagine more shots from New Years will make it up there eventually.
But for now there's just one of my butt which as I have said before, is my best ASSet.
Basically I should just start walking around backwards.
Don't hate.
It would only be conceited if A. it wasn't true or B. I had pretty enough of a face to make people jealous which I don't.

In closing, I hope to spend the year of 2009 with the following people:

1. Mah Boo, fingers crossed
2. my gal pals
3. my cats
4. people who tell good stories
5. people who have good comic timing
6. obviously my fam, in small doses
7. your hot mom
8. HwaaahKeeenuh! (and his barrettes)
9. my own personal band of backup singers who follow me around singing the funny things I say after I say them (like a musical echo of sorts)
10. my own radical self

XO!
May you have all the nightmares you ever wished for...










*BTdubbs, Liv Hiyme and Maudular:
We ended up in your apartment again because it was the closest and (wrongly) presumed to be the warmest.
Think of it as a compliment.
If would have been way greater if you were here with us, but you are just too good for your home aren't you?
Out there riding horses on the beach and eating burritos and laughing while you sun your smiley ass faces.
I love you very much, but its all just too much to think about.
By the way, your bed should be used as a lethal weapon to get terrorists to fall to sleepies instead of bombing shit.
It can not be resisted.

DAYMARE.

I am never going to Spain.
Why?
Because anywhere that these kinds of things happen and are TAPED and are set to music fit for The Shining, and voice-overed by creeperson creepnuts; I want nothing to do with.

Without further adieu:


I may have to revise my list of the most terrifying predators on earth to include eagles in the top 3.
Previously it went like this:
1. squid
2. wolves
3. sharks

Now I think it should go like this:
1. squid
2. eagles
3. shark/wolf hybrid beast.
Oh my god imagine a fucking SHARKWOLF.
Someone please make a claymation short film called sharkwolf.
Why claymation I don't know.
I guess so I won't pee my pants in fear watching it.

PS if anyone has information about predators who are more efficient or terrifying, its a topic I love discussing.
PPS I already know about the whole violent human hating hippo theory so please don't try to school me like that.
I'm not scared of a fucking hippo.
A. because I doubt I'm going to Africa anytime soon.
and B. because look at this thing.

Oh hi, I'm just a hippo giving snugs to a tortoise.
I like to smile and have pink skin and waddle around looking for wet cool places to take super long naps.


Fact: Jessica the Hippo lives in a god damn house with these whitey white South African folks.
So take that one to the bank.
I know, hippos attack more than any other animal in Africa, but c'mon.
If you were by some dark dirty river and you saw a crocodile and a hippo to your left and to your right, staring at your juicy delicious limbs, which one would you innately run from?
Exactly.

Anyway, thats what I did this evening when I returned home from Jersey.
Went to see Sam and Alex and watched youtubes of scary animals.

Opposite of scary, I found my true spirit animal.
Fainting goats.
They are also called nervous goats, wooden leg goats, Tennessee goats, stiff goats, etc.
AMAZING.
I don't know what is better than goats flipping out and getting frozen leg from a stupid farmer opening an umbrella in their faces.


Oh hi, you startled me.

Have we had enough animals for today?
Great.

Gratuitous portrait time

Samantha gets a lot of profile shots in.
Bee Tee Dubs, I got a haircut.
I hate haircuts almost as much as I hate the smell of coffee.
Almost as much as I hate when kids get yogurt on their hands and then touch you.
EW.

Not Ew.

I like to come back home and see my bestie and eat biscuits and salad and vegetable samosas and have about 4 drinks and then go home and pass out with my cats. With all the lights on.
Then wake up and blog.

PPPS Hi Liv and Hiyme, yes I went to your house when you weren't there and had dinner.
Thats what you get for leaving me here while you go to Mexico.
Fags.

In conclusion, the holiday season is nearly over.
Thank the lord baby jesus for that.
I was over it before it started.
Alls we have left is New Years Eve which I'm already dreading.
Though I am sort of considering going out on the town.
If you would like to know where, I will tell you.
But not on this blog BECAUSE ITS TOP SECRET.
I'm dead serious about that.
Or just dead.

What was I talking about.
Oh so holidays.
I was gonna talk about that, making cookies and hanging out with cute babies and doing family things.
But no one ever cares and I don't think I want to go over it all.
I did meet my nephew Jack for the first time and he is a ham sandwich.


Also a ham sandwich, Nancy Conley.

Thanks mother for making us food and buying us things and for the first Christmas of my life, following directions as to what I actually need.
Frying pans, slippers, nightgowns, candles, and giant books about Prince.
I have returned to the life of an actual Cathy comic.
No doubt.

balmy with a chance of awesome

I miss wearing dresses with no tights.
I miss sitting outside to smoke and not wanting to cry about it.

But I will never miss you Samantha because that would mean we would have to be apart first.
IMpossible.









Dop I love you too.

Even when you burn all the kitchen implements.
Then buy a timer to remember to turn off the stove so you can stop burning things.
Then you leave the oven on and the timer melts on top of it anyway.
I do love you.







When I'm pissed off I remember days in particular.
Most of them involve feeling like everything is funny.
Everything is worthy.
Everything is fun because you're doing your everythings with your people.
And you get to choose them how amazing is that.

I think it was called the Shivers

Oh hi.

I like how the cold weather is giving me good hair.


Pam is back from her trip to LA/Mexico thank god.
It was getting unbearable, my couch missed her.
Last night she came over, then Mercy and Alex appeared as well, it was a nice little gathering.
We sat in the front room which is super weird because I'm so accustomed to hosting guests in the back.
Totally uninteresting topic!

Sors!
SARS.
Remember SARS yall?



Pam bought some nice little presents for us on the west non-best coast.
This book is a winner.
I think Mercy was slightly offended that it was chosen for her, but I'm a little jelly that I didn't get it.
Its really quotable.


I love the way they look.
Mercy is running away soon to Oregon and then Berlin or some wacky bullshit like that.
Sometime I wish that was my style, hitting the road like psht how about Germany?
But that's just not me.
I'm a gypsy in mind not in practice.


Whats the big deal?
So I fell on a fence and broke the fall using my eyeball.
Typical day.
When?
Oh just a few weeks ago.
Why did I fall?
I was tired and hot from drumming. I guess I just got too excited!
I'm telling you.
All musicians are cracked.
His eye is totally fine by the way.
After a little surgery to reattach his tear duct or some horrendous thing like that.
Alex has pet birds flying free in his apartment and he keeps their food in an open pizza box on the floor.
I rest my case.


Whenever anyone is looking at me I make ugly faces as a punishment to myself so I will never been seen as a pretty girl.
That's my theory.
Take it or leave it.
PS I don't care who you are, if you wear a ballerina dress anytime anywhere, you will feel magic happen.
Its practically the same thing as walking around with a dove in your pants.


My ass entered the Best in Show contest.
It was up against Jesus, some biracial babies, a couple of puppies, Helen Mirren's face, Beyonce's fierceness, and that cat that opens jars of peanuts.
My ass won.
We celebrated for hours.


Here's the LIFE magazine Katie got published in.
GREAT JOB!
You're a successful photojournalist and you will be remembered for all of time!
I think its pretty amazing, she has a two page spread of her photo of Barack, its HUGE!
Sometimes I look at her and I think, wow, I really haven't done shit!
Shes working for the Times, getting herself out there, really succeeding by doing the thing she loves.
Check her out sometime
I'm passionate about very little except gentle make out seshes in my room and telling funny jokes.
How do I make that a career?


Soon as I got good and sauced, I decided it was djembe drum time.
Not me djembe, Alex djembe.
I don't really know what it is thats so amazing about drums, they are just so right.
Peep the amazing boy on the wall, art by Hiyme Brummett
I was a patron of the arts yesterday and ran by his studio to make my investment.
I'm really happy with the boy, it shall inspire me in many ways when I'm sitting in my office pretending to be busy.
Last time I sat in there I sang the Hot Pockets theme song to myself for like 20 minutes.
Then I remixed it.


Look I made art too
I'm done talking about yesterday because yesterday isn't here anymore!

I'm tired and I feel especially lonely right now thinking about missing someone a little bit.
That's the thing about being a girl.
You get to dress like a ballerina or a sexy hobo or a teenage princess in hiding, but you also have to be totally soft inside.
And when you admit what it is you want, then you have to own up to how hard its going to be to find.
Then once you find it you have to work to hold onto it without coming across as needy, psychotic and lame.

Love is like having to pee but knowing there is no bathroom anywhere near.
At some point you will let go and it will feel awesome, but you will probably spend a lot of time running around trying to hold everything in on the verge of exploding.
And pee explosions are gross and people will point and laugh at you.
And you will be cold and wet and feel betrayed by your own dummy bladder.


Goodnight!

Hi we went to high school together?

Unsuccessful.


This is how I follow up on my blog about proving to myself I'm not a raging loser.

I started drinking these around dinner time.
Dinner for me was bread.
I'm not anorexic I'm just impatient.


Zack wore a drug rug and told us about some videos of a Obama/McCain dance off on youtube.
It was really good.
But its also really telling about our generation that a group of friends sat in an office in front of a big computer screen watching things happen to other people.
Fake things.
Its possible that in 50 years humans will not even have a voice box.
They will just text everything and look at screens all day.
They will have lightening fast fingers.


Jeylan got mad at me for asking her if she got her fingerless gloves at Hot Topic.
I would like to venture a guess as to why they are fingerless.
She has to be ready to text someone at any second.





Conrad spent most of his time pretending that we were ON AIR (I feel like those words together always have to be in caps) and touching his phone.
I don't understand you reckless people, you "I don't need a cover for my iPhone" people.
I'm sorry, I've dropped mine maybe 3 times and I gasped. Audibly. With a terrible fear in my heart.
And I have a cover. Engulfing the gadget entirely.



Oh Pam


Its fine to be drunk at 10pm on a Wednesday.
It is not fine to apologize to your friend about the Hot Topic comment by lady molesting her in the back of the fish.
I look like a turtle.
The black guy behind us looks like Teddy Becks.
Jeylan looks like she accepts my apology.


Lets use this phone to check our heart rates.
Oh great idea.
And super necessary.



How nice yellow roses on the bar.


Smells good.


Great job ruining the magic.


Somewhere around this time I say something the bartender doesn't like and he informs me that he has the right to refuse to serve me.
OK thanks.
Just one less tip for you my friend.
Also, Hi Hater!

Thank god Stephanie and Olivia and Dan came back so I would have someone to complain to.
And someone to go buy me a drink!

Then I bought a painting outside for 45 dollars.
I don't regret it.


This is not how I remember things but it looks cute and fun


Lil shuteye

I ate lentil soup and vegetarian buffalo wings at 1am.
I'm a really healthy late night eater.
Just another great thing about me.
NBD.