I bet you can read the mania in my voice.

My niece thinks I'm am idiot.


I concur.

But.

At least I'm not this lady trying to peddle weird Paula-Abdul-in-her-heyday onesie organza pantsuits on Ebay:



just in case it wasn't horrifying enough, lets do a weird bloated abdomen bony Cruella knee cap detail shot:



Even Prince circa 89 would be like 'girl that shit is very flouncy if you ask me'

PS yes that is a real listing and I sort of considered bidding just so I can have a backup funny drunk costume.

Orrrrrgaaaaanzahhhhhh.
Peeeeearl button deeeeeeeetail.

Lets on get back on track with a picture of my boobs.


oliviamalone.com obvio.

Stephanie and I have mastered the dirty roll in the yard shot.
Also why do I always look like the ringleader of the local fight club?
Not really that into it.
There should be a dialogue bubble by my head saying "next motherfucker get greased and ready because I am tre-zero segundos away from ripping yer limbs off and beating your boyfriend with them"

Everybody just relax.

Tye-Dye Party tomorrow for one of my besties and also Crystal. I mean Crystals ok I guess too.



Technically Jeylan is spelled Ceylan, so lets call it C+C Hippie Factory.

I'm gonna tye-dye the shit out of my sling!

Adieu!

FYI I am supes hype to blog AC but first I need pics of my injury hint hint Olivia Denise Stephanie Nicki.

Propers/BigUps/Paying Dues/Enjoyable Moments:

1. Go see CAPTURED at Collective Hardware 169 Bowery at 8pm tomorrow.



Ben and Dan are very special people.
Though they are both amazingly annoying, they are certainly driven and talented and awesome and I love them.
So.
That is the reasoning behind going to see their movie.
Support them?
Yes.
Do it.
Or else pay the price of being left out.

2. Crystal Moselle is also a little elf of filmmaking.
appréciez svp:


Bijules 2009 from crystal moselle on Vimeo.

fly over the forest howl at the moon lets do this.

Now onto me.
I have some thoughts today.
Here goes.

Opinion.
It is not ok to wear a half pony tail ever.
Unless you are Kimmy Gibler.

Even then, it serves a very specific purpose which is to make your best friend appear way hotter than she actually is in comparison to you.
There is something so gross about the half pony.
Lets call it the centaur.

Opinion.
I think white americans drink a lot more coffee than black americans.
I am basing this on early morning subway rides to work as well as daily observations of patrons of Le Pain Quoditien/Starbucks/a number of delis on Broadway.
I feel as though I would have to do more research on this topic to have it hold any ground, but then I realized another piece of evidence to support my hypothesis...
black americans on tv don't even seem to drink coffee.
Think Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier etc etc. Coffee drinking. You see it. Plenty.
Now think Family Matters, Martin, Bernie Mac Show etc. Did Carl ever sit around drinking coffee? Tommy? Anyone? I feel like the answer is no.
I mean, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Which I am. Tons.
But this is something I've been thinking about for days.
Obviously I need a hobby.

Opinion.
Twitter is weird.
I never know if I am saying something worth reading or not.
About every 10-12 minutes during the working day, I refresh the Twitterific application on my phone. I apparently need to see what people I know are doing.
Mind you, most of the people who update constantly are people I don't know such as Shaq and Martha Stewart.
I am finding I experience on odd sense of terror when I don't check twitter.
Do I need to know that Martha Stewwies successfully washed her dogs an hour ago?
Yes.
Yes I do.
And that is the terrifying truth about our web obsessed society.

Opinion.
Seeing Morrissey in concert is absolutely not overrated.
Especially if its at Cargenie Hall.
Even if you are in the nosebleeds.
But I would suggest NOT trying to chug a 12 dollar drink in the hall just because you can't bring it to your seat. That is neither fun nor wise.

helloooooo doooown theeeeeeeruh.

Look at them all!
It felt like church is that bizarre?

Menacholy Moz.

Merry Moz!
Melange of emotion, I'm serious.

Not opinion, fact:
I should be wearing these shoes this spring.
So hopefully 800 dollars will drop from the sky.
Theeeinks!

Alexander Wang.
Alexander Boner more like it.
I would take these subs:





Also Fact:
I have retrieved an original Purple Rain Tour muscle tee of rare design.
That is the only thing that matters now.



Final thought of the day is that if Joanna Newsom does not put out a new album soon, I will start to get frustrated.
There are only so many times I can cry tears of joy listening to Cosmia in the middle of the night.

I am willing to bet you won;t watch this, you meaning everyone, but seeing her perform many times, she totally makes me love the magic of life!
I do not mean that even remotely sarcastically.
STALKER STATUS>
Jk I don't stalk her.
Anymore.
Jk I never did!



Or did I.


Heres another one!
This one literally breaks my heart and puts it back together.
I can't really stand it.


Video day!

Human helicopter

Sometimes (all the time) I'm around kids and I think, holy shit, I am definitely in the wrong era of life.
I've yet to see Benj Button, but I think I had a moment of envy about the whole aging backwards sitch.
Washington Square Park playground is one of my favorite locations downtown. Its such a soul pick-me-up.
I have thought to myself, what kind of crazy person would want to raise their child in a place like this?
At least 50 percent of this city smells weird.
There are about 400 molesters within every 10 block radius.
Bums can be scary and weird, and they seem to like talking to kids, so thats not really a good look.
There are very few flowers or trees or animals or anything like that.
Kids here don't get to grow up with friends with swimming pools down the block, or hammocks and big daddy grills in the backyard.
And forget Brooklyn, thats not even remotely appealing.

But then I see these kids and they are a whole different breed.
Maybe they grow up to be more jaded and see too much too fast, but they seem to carry themselves like wee grownups.
They are not street smart, they are street genius.

They also look hilarious.

Example of the typical parent set:


Please peep lady in the relaxo baggy pant tucked into absurd biker/pirate/art teacher boot.
PS shes not preggo she just really lazy.
I can say that if I want because I kept a closer watch on her just learning to walk one year old son than she did.

To compare, he are some radical kids who basically shit all over their parents steeeee:


Heres my number one.
This boy was tearing around owning the place on this tricycle.
He was absolutely filthy.
He also ate shit about ten times and never let out a whimper.
Loving him.
I really wish I had been able to capture the vintage patches on his school boy blazer.
It was some Baby AC/DC vibe.


This kid could have been his sidekick, but they were both very dolo.
In case any of you forgot, the sound of plastic wheels on playground paving is amazing.
The sound of freedom.


Theres always 2-3 ferocious screaming boys who yell thing at eachother like, "ARE YOU PLAYING STAR WARS GANG OR NOT???? NO? WELL THEN GET OUTTA HERE!"
Also, I can guarantee that their moms were not cool with the shoes off thing but they were like, "Psht...shoes BACK ON? I'd like to see you try it lady."
*also, please note that shoeless boy is actively choking himself.
He was not fucking around.


Little squaw on the other hand?
Just looking after the baby doll.
Get in there baby doll don't talk back to me.
It all formulates so early doesn't it.


Then girls get a little older and start wearing weird stripey leggings and vomiting color explosions all over themselves.
They continue to do it well into their 20s.
Betsey Johnson still does it and shes what, 92?


I guess this kid could one day be Lil Betseys boyfriend.
And by boyfriend I mean guy who throws sand in her face and sometimes shares his capri sun.

The following photos are about the face.
I wanna make more of these faces:


I purposefully left all that empty space to show that this little ginger snap is looking at nothing. Nothing. Shes just amazed period. I am willing to bet Santa Clause could ride by on a shimmering unicorn carrying a Dora backpack filled with cookies and this kid would still be zoned.


Commentary unnecessary.


Someone needs to write a novel about this kids future as a Bollywood star turned weirdo artsy socialite hermit.
Shes like the Indian Miss Havisham.


NBW.
This is where I chill.

Back to getups:


Baby sneaker game in New York is ridic.
Ps...the helmet? Just an accessory. No bike.


I don't care about anything except for the STREAK OF GREY.
Hes four years old tops, and already has grey hair.
Dapperrrrrrr.

If you made it this far, you are about to get a serious reward.
Because.
This kid.
Just posted up on the fence for about an hour.
When I told him I liked his suit, he said:
"Yeah. Sure you do."



I got sonned.

Don't even bother

Sew, the house i grew up in burned down recently.
Thats weird to me.
Goodbye childhood hello adulties.
Using the word adulties voids what I just said.

It was warmer today.
Who cares.

I went to Bergdorf with my mom the other day and stared at Zac Posen party dresses.
That was depressing and also awesome.
PS who doesn't love his knits?

Seeing this one on a hanger gave me a fashion boner.
Also, someone old and rich please buy me a Herve bandage dress in emerald or navy and I will wear it whenever you want me to and I will pretend to love you when we kiss passionately in public.
Some might call that prostitution, I call it street smartz.
Samantha just informed me that she feels they are played out, and I fully agree.
Doesn't defeat my desire for one.


Speaking of the streets, don't worry, I saw this guy last night.

The creepiest trend of the 90s is still alive and well.
Excuse me adult Mexican, but I think you could fit all of your children in your pants.
Racism!

Same deli I saw Mexican Raver in boasts this sign:

I don't think thats very nice.

I played cards in New Jersey the other night.
It looked like this.

Hi Randi.
Nice seeing you once every 5 years.
Somehow someone created a whole deck of cards showcasing Irish football heroes.
How that works, I don't know.
Side note, playing football does not make you a hero, nor does being Irish.
My brother is the only person in the world who would own something such as said deck of cards.
I bet my dad gave it to him in his Christmas stocking.

Best quote of the week via a text convo I had with M***y...

"seriouslah, just mouth rape his ass"

I think I can end blogging on that note.

All people think about is making out.
Spring has sprung a lil early, my hot panty friends.

I never talk about fashion because its way stupid and I'm way smart.
But Truthies, every season I'm ask myself who/what I want to look like.
Friends, prepare yourself for me + spring.
Basically I will be the walking talking definition of windblown.
There will probably be things tied to me/on me/around my neck and or waist.
I will call them ladytools.
They will serve little to no function.

White is the new black.
Overalls are the new booty shorts.
Body con is the new everything.
Kids are the new models.
Acorns are the new skulls. (PS I NEVER participated in that trend. Not for a second. Ugh cornballish)
Crop tops are still hugely cheesy but you will catch me in them.
Bali cutwork? Still right up my alley.






























Attempting to make sense of anything I just said is futile.
I just google image searches for about two hours.
So just try to appreciate my efforts if you can, theeeeeinks!

Last time I checked this gets filed under the Shitstorm kitiguree

Oh Em Gee. So Henry was telling me about how horse dicks have to get cleaned because they get so much smegma so I google image searched smegma and it was disgusto.
Surprise?
Not really.
I hate viscosity.

Shit is so so fucked up right now I can't even think about it or I will wile out on everyone.
I'm not complaining by the way.
But if you see me on the streets don't think I don't know how creepy and manic I'm being, I totally know.
I'm pretty much cruising around 3 seconds away from sticking forks in my eyes and doing homeless person talky to selfie behavior.

Moving on from that fuckery.

Sam shot the look book for Bess (which is so fucking hot goth beeteedubs) and I went along to 'help her' meaning I did very very little.
But I sort of want to own every single thing in that showroom.

Who cares.
Heres some dumb ugly pictures.


The work/shooting space for Bess is in Keith Harings old joint. Gimme the Hi5!


Gravity Tank?
Sick.


Sicker=the hot gay porn selection in that place.
We observed many a bear daddy/whips up the butt/vintage hairiness.
It was a dream basically.
The only thing I saw that crossed the line was a dude with a candle stuck up his pee hole. Yes I know its called a urethra, relax nerds.


Stab all of these shits with studs and grommets and put it up for sale.
I'm buying.


Stevie did pretty makeup.


Look a model eating


So BTS
(behind the scenes dumdum)


Stevie liked dusting his nipples.
It was very sexual for all of us.


What a Fight Club bod.
I guess its good but I like boys a lil fatty.
Just my taste.


I want these clothes.
Pants that zip all the way crotch to booty are really next lev.
I don't know if I could pull it off.
But I would work that studded leather garter all night.
All day.
Always.


Also those are my fav boots.
Can I have a boif that wears this shit please?
Thanks.
I found out I have a slight Norwegian Death Metal Fetish.

So then I got tired of taking pictures of this shit and took a serious break.
I took zero pics of the female model who was super cute and sexah and the clothes were also amazing.
Whatever maybe I just like looking at boys more than girls.
Big deal.


The next time I took out my camera was to snap Stevie making up Doug, who is the AMAZING designer/owner/HBIC of Bess. He totally looks like Perry Farell. Hes a trip. In the best way.
I sort of want to hold him in my arms while we listen to Rolling Stones Lullabies.
Wesley in the back looking all like somebody farted.
I think we are kindred bitch spirits maybe.

Nothing else happened, it was a super long day, etc etc, I got gifted an amazing tee with the tarot card for Death on it. So official.

I did one of those weird things where I started this blog, left it for like 2 hours, and came back to it and now I'm over the whole thing.
Me and Molly went to Beauty Bar later and said hi to Jen.






iz dummiez


iz happiez

Late night.
Accidentally tipped the cab driver 20 dollars on the way home.
Stupid.
Had the worst phone conversation of my life when I got home.
Thank god Molly slept ova or else I would have had no one to wake up to and walk to Pho Bang with.
A bowl of beef pho could probably fix anything.
I dare you to test that shit and say I'm wrong.
Unless youre a vegetarian.
In that case youre a fagget anyway so who cares.