Fuck That Guy And Die!

No No I'm not talking about a hot bum with AIDS.

I'm talking about the guy no one loves.
Seriously no one.



Fuck You Grim Reaper.

Reaps...
I definitely give you your propers for guest starring on Family Guy sometimes.
I also think you were a great cast member of Bill and Ted's.

But seriously.
You're horrible.

(I also fell asleep watching you play chess for that soldiers life in The Seventh Seal)

Thanks for taking MomMom and PopPop. The two most angelic hilarious little Irish humans ever.
How could you take my MomMom after seeing her in those fucking ladybug leisure pants?
Her legs were maybe a total of 8 inches long which made it even more squishy cuddle lovey.
And PopPop? Only the nicest guy ever. His hair as white and soft as angel pubes.
His funny little hats and red cardigans??
Are you KIDDING?
Asshole!

Do you even have an asshole?
How do you poop?
What do you poop?
Heart valves and soul strings?
Baby teeth and pinkie toes?
You're so gross.
I am willing to bet that under the cloak is a shriv of rotty flesh and really bad acne.
Proactiv, son!

OK.
Some men who wear cloaks are foxy.
Example: I went to a D'Angelo concert a long time ago and he came out in a haze of smoke wearing a hooded floor legnth cloak.
What was under?
His sexah body cased in only black leather pants, no shirt atall.
Dreamy!
Also, I am willing to bet there are some dicklicious monks up there in the mountaintops, covering their hotness for the sake of eternal nirvana or whatever.

Not the point.
Death, you are definitely ugly.
You are like that super out of shape, block-headed, rank breathed jerkoff who makes boys cry by beating them up, and makes girls cry by yelling that they have itty bitty titties.
Yeah, I've met your type.
I've also kicked your type square in the nutsies so watch out.

Reaps better make sure that I'm struck down with something like terminal brain cancer or Lou Gehrigs because I will not go easy.
Don't fear the Reaper!!

I don't fear him.
Just fuck him.

Don't think we forgot about the Black Plague fool.

We all recall.



Did you have to take EVERYBODY?
Greedy.

You also ruin many romantic films.
Its totes classic for two people to fall in love, have tons of sex, look eachother in the eyes for hours on end, whsiper shit to eachother, and FINALLY feel like they have found joy.
Yes!
Yes!
The world is SO beautiful!
We could live like this forever!
Oh wait.
Shit.
Oh, right, now one of them is going to get amazingly ill in like point five seconds, end up panting in a hospital bed, and croak.
Then we all cry and decide that movie is too sad to watch ever again.
But then we doooo watch it again and its just as bad as the first time.
Gluttons for punishment.

It wouldn't be that bad if it was all fictional but its sadly true.
The reaps is gonna take your mom, your sibs, your best friend, your soulmate, AND your fucking dog.
And then you.

Actually, I will give you a break. There was this one time you didn't fuck up


May lightening strike me down walking on Broadway late night trying to hail a cab....

Fuck You Death.
I would murder you, but thats kind of your bag.

You're the ill dick.
(cheese)


(The only person I hate more than you is T Cruiser)

exit 109

Yes, yes I am!
I am taking requests always and forever, if you want to suggest a subject for Fuck that Guy, I'll do it!
As long as we never have to do a Fuck that Guy on Tom Cruise because my head would explode.
I hate him so much that the post would go on for infinity and time space would warp and implode on all of us.
Serio.
Cheerio.
Don't put Cheerios in milk because they are way better dry don't fuck with perfection.
Along the same lines, Brooke Hogan should never get surgery because she is so gorgeous and pure the way she was born.
I bet her dick is buttery soft.

Last night was fun funny fun like a French clown. Ew french clowns!
It was nothing like that actually.
Jeylan and Crystal celebrated their bdays together in the radical sublet Jeylan has scored over by the Williamsburg Bridge.
Heres the thing.
I have zero pictures of anything from the evening.
First of all I didn't get there til 1030 and it was too dark up in that shit.
Secondies I was too busy enjoying myself to worry about that.
Jeylan is very awesome despite the fact that we enjoy being horrible to each other in many circumstances.
In a way, I want to write a long boring blog about how we went to high school together and the funny things we did and how she was my first lady roommate ever (along with Dragonball Z Duffy) and how we like to dance together and laugh way too loud and be inside jokey. Also how she somehow pops up at every important time in my life. Pop! Oh hi JJ!



PfuckingS. Her name to me is JJ, this whole Jeylan thing still confuses me. But thats what the city of New York calls her so I must too I suppose.
I don't know how else to say it, but JJ I love you girl and don't believe me when I say you're a so-and-so bitchface whatever the fuck.
Which we have said about eachother.
A minimum of 8 trillion times.
Now thats the mark of girls who grew up together.
Hate and love, mostly love, all swirling in a pot of boiling friendship.
I should be a Wiccan.
I would get to wear velvet all the time and my long raggedy hair would make total sense.

I was very happy to bring my (newer) girlfriends to mesh with one of my oldest and dearest.
And I liked seeing Alex on mushrooms calling Stephanie a panther.
And I loved Crystals CryBaby styled outfit.
I loved seeing Mr Kimmel with his hilarious chest hair, and telling everyone about how he used to ask me to make out with him when he was like 14 and we would get stoned in his room. This story will never get old or die.
I loved seeing some weird drunk girl on the roof trying to sing accapella because there were boys standing around watching her. She also rapped and told sexist/racist jokes. Hi neediness, welcome to the party. Can you please shut the fuck up thanks.
How much validation can one woman need? I'm pretty sure I was rude to her, but you know, I try. I try to be nice and usually succeed until someone annoys me so so much that I have to either be a dick, or punch them in the head. I didn't want to punch her cause that bitch was tall.

Also a girl I didn't know at the party told me she loves my blog.
a) how does that happen?
b) should I pretend I don't think that is awesome? because I do.

I want to say more things about the party but I'm not sure what.
I feel grossly loving about everyone I saw except for TallNeedyGirl. My friends are really funny and cute and smart and great and sexy and amusing. Although it was annoying when Teddy made comments about my thick thighs and it was a little weird that there was no ice for the drinks because I love ice!
We should have all danced more but I was pretty happy with 5 minutes of teaching D to "dance dirtier" and throwing down with JJ at 2am to Lil Wayne. Imma millionaire Imma young money million-aire tougher than Nigerian hair?
Yes.
All the time.
No I mean I'm not.
At all.
But he is and I'm really feeeeeeeeling theeeat.

Also, this party was the most successful pot luck in history. There was so much yummy food!
Cheese and bread and fruit and dips and pita and fish and pasta and veggies and salads jesus christ.
Glorious.
I hardly ate but I appreciated the shit out of that shit.
According to Stephanie the fish was sublime.
I ate Kettle Chips mostly.
Cause I'm classy like that.
Um side note?
JERSEY WAS REPPING SO HARD.
I think there were at least 10 Jersey born and bred walking around (runningshit)
That makes me happy even though it is totally immature and weird.

The only thing that moderately sucks is that going to a party where you know and love 80% of the guests means no surprise makeout sesh at 4 am.
You look around at the end of the night like eeehhhhh nope not him I know his mom....no not him we hooked up when I was like 19.....nope not that guy hes whatsherfaces ex.... mehhhhhhh ok I need to catch a cab and go eat a sammich in my bed. The End!

As a final token of my love, I want to share this:



Krissy and Jeylan. Freshman year of high school.
This photograph, now belonging to the worldwide internet community. Shall haunts both of us. Forever.

Youre dead, Cruise

This is the reason i get on tappa yas.