Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Whens Lourdes gonna take over?

This video is so hot and this song is so right on and corny!
Madonna was such an idol to me mostly because she has this traditionally masculine element to her...was that some kind of weird defense mechanism? I don't know.
But Pre-kabbalah she was a beacon of sexuality and moxie and liberation.
Who cares? Christopher Walken plays the angel of death!

Sidenote: This song hits amazingly close to home at the moment. I am not scared to admit that. Never scared. Wahhh

Not a Secret!

So there is a website, whosdatedwho.com
This website is genius because everyone is interested in this topic.
On a small personal scale, look at New York.
Hi, its all we talk about. The best goss! Gasp-worthy!

Anyway, I'm watching Traffic tonight and obviously my love for Benicio is eternal.
He is such a squinty fox.
He is Mexican heaven.
He is old and weird and secretive looking.

How cute is it that there are STATS about him and his current tiny beautiful 20 year old girlfriend?

Ahem:

Ana De Armas Benicio Del Toro
Age 20 41
Height 5' 2" 6' 1"
Eyes Green Green
Hair Brown Black
Sign Taurus Aquarius
Natl Spanish American
Occ Actress Actor

What?
Can we make a website like this for non famous people?
Not actually lets never ever do that.


Big news.
One of my favorite people in the world came home today from being abroad.
Hearing her voice was good and seeing her face will be better.

Here is an illustration of why I miss her when she is gone

FagSnuggling


.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Propers/BigUps/Paying Dues/Enjoyable Moments:

1. Go see CAPTURED at Collective Hardware 169 Bowery at 8pm tomorrow.



Ben and Dan are very special people.
Though they are both amazingly annoying, they are certainly driven and talented and awesome and I love them.
So.
That is the reasoning behind going to see their movie.
Support them?
Yes.
Do it.
Or else pay the price of being left out.

2. Crystal Moselle is also a little elf of filmmaking.
appr├ęciez svp:


Bijules 2009 from crystal moselle on Vimeo.

fly over the forest howl at the moon lets do this.

Now onto me.
I have some thoughts today.
Here goes.

Opinion.
It is not ok to wear a half pony tail ever.
Unless you are Kimmy Gibler.

Even then, it serves a very specific purpose which is to make your best friend appear way hotter than she actually is in comparison to you.
There is something so gross about the half pony.
Lets call it the centaur.

Opinion.
I think white americans drink a lot more coffee than black americans.
I am basing this on early morning subway rides to work as well as daily observations of patrons of Le Pain Quoditien/Starbucks/a number of delis on Broadway.
I feel as though I would have to do more research on this topic to have it hold any ground, but then I realized another piece of evidence to support my hypothesis...
black americans on tv don't even seem to drink coffee.
Think Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier etc etc. Coffee drinking. You see it. Plenty.
Now think Family Matters, Martin, Bernie Mac Show etc. Did Carl ever sit around drinking coffee? Tommy? Anyone? I feel like the answer is no.
I mean, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Which I am. Tons.
But this is something I've been thinking about for days.
Obviously I need a hobby.

Opinion.
Twitter is weird.
I never know if I am saying something worth reading or not.
About every 10-12 minutes during the working day, I refresh the Twitterific application on my phone. I apparently need to see what people I know are doing.
Mind you, most of the people who update constantly are people I don't know such as Shaq and Martha Stewart.
I am finding I experience on odd sense of terror when I don't check twitter.
Do I need to know that Martha Stewwies successfully washed her dogs an hour ago?
Yes.
Yes I do.
And that is the terrifying truth about our web obsessed society.

Opinion.
Seeing Morrissey in concert is absolutely not overrated.
Especially if its at Cargenie Hall.
Even if you are in the nosebleeds.
But I would suggest NOT trying to chug a 12 dollar drink in the hall just because you can't bring it to your seat. That is neither fun nor wise.

helloooooo doooown theeeeeeeruh.

Look at them all!
It felt like church is that bizarre?

Menacholy Moz.

Merry Moz!
Melange of emotion, I'm serious.

Not opinion, fact:
I should be wearing these shoes this spring.
So hopefully 800 dollars will drop from the sky.
Theeeinks!

Alexander Wang.
Alexander Boner more like it.
I would take these subs:





Also Fact:
I have retrieved an original Purple Rain Tour muscle tee of rare design.
That is the only thing that matters now.



Final thought of the day is that if Joanna Newsom does not put out a new album soon, I will start to get frustrated.
There are only so many times I can cry tears of joy listening to Cosmia in the middle of the night.

I am willing to bet you won;t watch this, you meaning everyone, but seeing her perform many times, she totally makes me love the magic of life!
I do not mean that even remotely sarcastically.
STALKER STATUS>
Jk I don't stalk her.
Anymore.
Jk I never did!



Or did I.


Heres another one!
This one literally breaks my heart and puts it back together.
I can't really stand it.


Video day!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Moderately astounded.

Not all of the advertising world is a barren shitty wasteland of demonic manipulation and trickery.
This made me cry!
Thanks Wyatt for bringing it to attention.
Totally inspiring.
Oh my god, life.

PS Robert Frost is still the man.

Hawt and Bahthud

Someone should become a serial rapist, and their criminal name should be Con Edison.
Why do these bastards fuck me directly up the ass every 30 days?
I seriously might have to start lighting my home with only the dollar store Jesus candles.
And I'll produce heat by devising some kind of cat powered machine. They will run on a little wheel all day long and it will set off sparks on some sort of generator.
I don't have it all sorted out, but it all starts with the idea, you know.

Thats how I feel today basically.
Full of great ideas provoked by exasperation.

I have an unexpected day off and I've spent it watching documentaries online, cleaning up, and food shopping.
I found myself walking around Pathmark fake smiling and gritting my teeth because it was one of the worst experiences I've had in weeks.
I swear to god, there were at least 6 or 7 of these common folk:

I understand that we all have bad days.
I understand that some mornings, we open our eyes, roll over, and just SIGH.
Like ok. I dunno if I wanna get up and out.
I don't think I can handle an hour in the supermarket uuuup and dooooown everyyyyyy aisle.
It will be torture!
Well guess what?
Thats called being human.
Laziness is best combated by FORCING yourself up and out and seizing the day. Grab yer food stamps and hit the pavement sister!
If you have to SCOOT your way to the frozen food section to stock up on Banquet microwave tv dinners on sale for $1.29, you might just want to give in commit suicide right now.
Because despite how cruel it sounds, I have always been a strong believer in Darwinism.
There is a reason why sharks have pointy teeth and giraffes have long necks and ants can carry like 10 times their body weight.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY TO SURVIVE OTHERWISE.
Humans being able to motor themselves from their bed to their over processed non-nutrient having saturated fat food sources... one day its just going to have to stop.
Or else I might have an aneurysm solely prompted by frustration.
You should be in a motorized scooter indoors under the following circumstances:
1. you are handicapped. Nuff said.
2. You can't use your legs for some sort of medical reason/recent surgery/exploding kneecaps/whatever the fuck
3. you have some sort of nervous system or musculature issue aka Lou Gherigs? Something like that.
4. You're super old. What qualifies as super old? 95. Thats old. 63? Not old pal. Not old.
5. You are playing some kind of joke for a hidden camera show.

If I see you stand up out of your Rascal to reach for the 2 liter America's Choice grape soda, you can walk. So walk.
Also, you're totally in the way of those of us who have places to be.
AKA me.
I just wanna go home and wash some dishes and dance with myself in my living room on my day off.

I think in order to make myself happy, and to uplift my readers who have now maybe had their day ruined with my negativity...
I would like to propose that a spring celebration be planned in my home within the coming month.
Stephanie my dear Stephanie will have returned from Italia.
Olivia my dear Olivia will be back from LA.
Jeylan will be back from stupid Texas.
Brooklyn girls my dear Brooklyn girls, I never get to see them any more for some horrible reason...
Therefor.
I would like to bless my revamped domicile with cakes and drinking and girls and boys and hopefully some lip glossy kisses.
My planning begins now I think.
Any and all proposals and schemes related to this feista are welcome.

Some inspiration:


(oliviamalone.com duh)
















PS I can't wait to wear shorts.
Please when you read that, say it like this, sort of fast and hysterical:
"I caaaynt wait ta wear sharts!!"
Then wiggle your steepled fingers.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

superfluous.

Amusing visual and social moments as of late:


The Better History Exhibition featuring many people we all know doing weird things and inviting their parents to come observe it.


Was this purposeful to coincide with the full moon?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who cares.


Looney Tunes art.


Always forgive the past.
Make friendship from bullshit.
All the hate in the world lives inside our blackened little hearts let it free mkay?
The ex hunny bunny sculpted a pretty amazing snake catching stick for the sake of art.
I want one.

Proud of him for sure.


Troy's art hurts Morry's feelings.


Consuption will be the death of us.
Conceptual living art.
Or just a bunch of slobs whove never heard of a garbage can.

Afterparty on Bowery was very loud.
But at least these guys were doing this:




Outerspace Morry


MegaBeth looking sweet


ARE increasing the noise level.
The metal tooth goblin is all you really need to observe here.


NO TOUCHING.

To sum up:
View art.
Talk.
Hug people.
Talk.
Walk.
Beer.
Talk more.
Smoke.
Itch new tattoo.
Catch cab.
Eat pizza/drink beer.
Argue about whether or not Lady Gaga is disgusting.
Catch cab.
Smoke.
Loud.
Talk.
Talk louder.
Drink.
Smoke.
Talk louder still.
Dance.
Pee.
Eyeroll.
Smoke.
Hug people.
Drink.
Eventually decide you are 'too old' which really just means your ears hurt.
Decide you want to watch a movie.
Catch cab.
Yell at molesters following you when you get home.


Yesterday my cat Cinnamon started drooling.
As in puddles.
That usually means your cat is poisoned and is going to die.
Great job!
So I cried and called my mom because I'm still the kind of person who calls their mom to cry.
Big deal.
But today she looks ok to me so I feel a little less insanely terrified.
If you wouldn't mind, say a prayer for her because shes cute and really spunky and shes too young to die.

Non pet related update:
This is a not that amazingly flattering picture of my butt. The top half of my body looks like bunny ears!



I enjoy Olivia Malone sessions.


It takes Olivia about a half hour and a number of beers to get me to stop scowling at her camera.
Even whilst donning lady lace and twirling, I somehow manage to look slightly pfft.
Or more accurately, TSSSST.


I'M SMILING ON THE INSIDE

This week alone, 4 different male friends have told me that if I continue to make these faces, no man will ever speak to me again.
I am attempting to remedy this problem.
But I'm not making any promises.
You have to weed out the pussies, nahmean?
If you can't hang with the ice grill, you should probably go take a peepee sitting down or something.

In closing, this is my new arm.

The handsome horse is obviously magik, check the completely unstaged beam of light shooting towards his chassis.
Also look how funny my arm hair is!
meeeepmerrppppp arm hair (say that part like a robot)

XO

Pretty sure I'm always having one of dem days



Hopefully I will return tomorrow after work with some interesting social commentary about my recent activities.
And I will share them with yall.

PS Gingerale is in my top three favorite beverages of all time.
Just a fact nonrelated to anything.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There is nothing funny about this one.

If my life is a drawing I'm making, using a pencil...

I need to go back and erase a whole bunch of shit.
Because I'm having a really hard time going along making something beautiful with this ugly mess behind me.

I literally wish you could smudge out the things that didn't turn out ok.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Theres no crying in baseball.

Good thing I hate baseball.


Crash and burn happened yesterday.
I was on a natural high after taking photos with Liv, I had so much fun trying to twirl around in lace undies and a fur coat without scowling.
Every girl should have a photo of herself in her 20s wearing just a short fur coat.
Animals are cute but sos my butt. Annnd I wanna remember it this way. Forever.

Went and met with some friends after that, good times, I was having a Kayne moment with myself.
Speaking in caps.
Telling Jeylans dog that I don't like him.
Playing Labi Siffre followed by Lil Kim followed by Big L.
There was no OFF button yesterday.

Pathetically enough, I realized I was just crazy sad and totally trying to avoid that.
So I just kept going and suddenly around midnight, I'm sitting with one of my best friends in the world at my bosses restaurant, thank god he wasn't there....
and I go into hysterics.
Cryfest.
What?
Got put into a cab in about 2 seconds flat, thank you Jeylan.
It was the opposite of great job.

That being said, the full moon comes tonight so I refuse to leave this apartment now that its dark out. I am willing to bet I would end up in the hospital/a wrestling match/an abandoned alleyway/a coven.

To make myself feel better I'm going to write a little letter to God now.

Dear God,

You are really cute sometimes the way you trick me.
You are like an Almighty Tom Green.
Such a off color sense of humor.
Now that I have finally stopped crying and moping around feeling bad for myself, I am starting to feel pretty ok-ish.
But if you could use your powerz to make my back stop hurting that would be holler worthy.
I might just take ibuprofen because it seems like you are really busy with all kinds of weird astrological flimflam right now.

Holding you down,
Scream atcher gurl,

Kristina


PS Happy Fun Birthdays for JensRockingChair (get it, because shes a year older? Old people like rocking chairs, not Rock Music? sorry I'm really short on wit today)


DJ MacBook Pro Team


I now realize how gay it is that Dan and Daniel styled this photograph.


Who are these people






Looking so sweet 16!


Dance partner

Shout out to my female lovers who took part in a lovely reunion with me a few days ago.
Its always those really good times where you take no pictures because you're so busy being ecstatic.
D Stephanie Liv Krissy Chiara equals happy.
Plus two Dans and a Will and cameos by Jiwon and Nikki and a dash of LA Erin and beers in my purse.
Plus this thing:

Plus rave music.

It's time for cookies and iced tea.

And maybe macaroni first.

Food and jokes are the best.
And TyTy Baby Banks' forehead.

Goodnight!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Human helicopter

Sometimes (all the time) I'm around kids and I think, holy shit, I am definitely in the wrong era of life.
I've yet to see Benj Button, but I think I had a moment of envy about the whole aging backwards sitch.
Washington Square Park playground is one of my favorite locations downtown. Its such a soul pick-me-up.
I have thought to myself, what kind of crazy person would want to raise their child in a place like this?
At least 50 percent of this city smells weird.
There are about 400 molesters within every 10 block radius.
Bums can be scary and weird, and they seem to like talking to kids, so thats not really a good look.
There are very few flowers or trees or animals or anything like that.
Kids here don't get to grow up with friends with swimming pools down the block, or hammocks and big daddy grills in the backyard.
And forget Brooklyn, thats not even remotely appealing.

But then I see these kids and they are a whole different breed.
Maybe they grow up to be more jaded and see too much too fast, but they seem to carry themselves like wee grownups.
They are not street smart, they are street genius.

They also look hilarious.

Example of the typical parent set:


Please peep lady in the relaxo baggy pant tucked into absurd biker/pirate/art teacher boot.
PS shes not preggo she just really lazy.
I can say that if I want because I kept a closer watch on her just learning to walk one year old son than she did.

To compare, he are some radical kids who basically shit all over their parents steeeee:


Heres my number one.
This boy was tearing around owning the place on this tricycle.
He was absolutely filthy.
He also ate shit about ten times and never let out a whimper.
Loving him.
I really wish I had been able to capture the vintage patches on his school boy blazer.
It was some Baby AC/DC vibe.


This kid could have been his sidekick, but they were both very dolo.
In case any of you forgot, the sound of plastic wheels on playground paving is amazing.
The sound of freedom.


Theres always 2-3 ferocious screaming boys who yell thing at eachother like, "ARE YOU PLAYING STAR WARS GANG OR NOT???? NO? WELL THEN GET OUTTA HERE!"
Also, I can guarantee that their moms were not cool with the shoes off thing but they were like, "Psht...shoes BACK ON? I'd like to see you try it lady."
*also, please note that shoeless boy is actively choking himself.
He was not fucking around.


Little squaw on the other hand?
Just looking after the baby doll.
Get in there baby doll don't talk back to me.
It all formulates so early doesn't it.


Then girls get a little older and start wearing weird stripey leggings and vomiting color explosions all over themselves.
They continue to do it well into their 20s.
Betsey Johnson still does it and shes what, 92?


I guess this kid could one day be Lil Betseys boyfriend.
And by boyfriend I mean guy who throws sand in her face and sometimes shares his capri sun.

The following photos are about the face.
I wanna make more of these faces:


I purposefully left all that empty space to show that this little ginger snap is looking at nothing. Nothing. Shes just amazed period. I am willing to bet Santa Clause could ride by on a shimmering unicorn carrying a Dora backpack filled with cookies and this kid would still be zoned.


Commentary unnecessary.


Someone needs to write a novel about this kids future as a Bollywood star turned weirdo artsy socialite hermit.
Shes like the Indian Miss Havisham.


NBW.
This is where I chill.

Back to getups:


Baby sneaker game in New York is ridic.
Ps...the helmet? Just an accessory. No bike.


I don't care about anything except for the STREAK OF GREY.
Hes four years old tops, and already has grey hair.
Dapperrrrrrr.

If you made it this far, you are about to get a serious reward.
Because.
This kid.
Just posted up on the fence for about an hour.
When I told him I liked his suit, he said:
"Yeah. Sure you do."



I got sonned.